From the Brain of Tricia

I has just finished crossing the street, with my four little boys. We were walking towards the Provo Temple, to go through the tour as a my family. My parents were with me, and my brother's family would meet us there. Then we saw a man, holding a flyer telling us to go to the website "josephlied.com". I have seen this guy before. I usually give no never mind to him. He neither angers me, nor speaks of something I agree with. He's just a man who has formed a different belief, and feels he needs to spread the truth, as he knows it. But I know my truth, I am firm in my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and I trust where he leads me. This man simply has another perspective, and I don't need to fear it. I was just planning on carrying on my way. But I then watched my Mom. She paused for a moment and simply asked the man, "How are you doing today?"

When I went to the Payson Temple tour I watched members hand this man bottles of water as they walked by. I was deeply touched by this, just as I was touched by the reaction my Mom chose to have. They both reminded me that differing beliefs don't have to be feared or ignored. And showing them kindness and understanding does not mean you have betrayed your God. This reminder is something I continue to strive to include in my life, and I am thankful for these examples that help to remind me of the many ways I can do so.

I was thinking the last few days about how much I have changed over my life. How much I have learned, and how many different perspectives I have come to incorporate. I thought I'd just jot down some of these things here to try and better keep track of them, and better explain them to myself. Hopefully I can keep it simple.

The beginning of a long list of crazy thoughts, and philosophies from the brain of Tricia

-Online dating taught me how meaningless being told you're beautiful can be. Men would just be so taken with my pretty face, and red hair, that they would jump all in. When they got to know me, however, they usually walked away. Being told you're beautiful is nice, but being told you're beautiful for everything you are is where the true compliment lies. When a man told me it right away it meant nothing to me. And all I could think was, "I am more than just red hair! Do you really think you can handle all I am?"

-On that same note, I can handle a man simply finding me attractive, and understand that that doesn't mean they are looking for a relationship, or that they like my personality. But it feels weird when a guy does get to know me, but still seems to have blinders on. When this happens I tend to think to myself, "I realize I have a decent figure, and my butt does look pretty good in these pants-- why thank you, I have been working out-- but underneath all these clothes is the body of a woman who carried four babies, two of them at the same time. I'm no swimsuit model. Not to mention I'm kind of weird. Are you sure you can handle it?" I had a guy completely obsessed with the fact that I like superheroes and Star Wars, and he kept trying to plan a hook up because of it-- any guys that may read this, if you're thinking it's you, it's not you. Its just a weird feeling when someone tries to make you into their special someone. There are plenty of fish in the sea. No one should try and convince themselves they care for someone out of fear that they may not find anyone else. Even if we don't find anyone, it's better than trying to convince ourselves we could be happy with whoever happens to be around. Trust me! I have learned from experience.

-I'm quite weird. No really, I am. I dance as a form of meditation and to fix the bad energy in my home. I burn sage and use Mediterranean Sea Salt to cleanse my house of negative energy. I am an emotional sponge and I can get very overwhelmed because of it. I am not great at socializing. In fact I'm so terrible at it that it can be a real challenge for me to convince myself to get out. I have weird thoughts, philosophies and theories. And if you really got to know all of me, you would agree, I'm just weird.

Me and my gorgeous friend catching a cheap flick. We looked much hotter in reality

-I work out to instrumental, and classical music. In fact music plays a huge role in my emotional well being. It's hard for me to waste one second of the beautiful gift of hearing on anything but amazingly fantastic music. I want all my music listening experiences to be filled to the max with the best music I can possibly find.

-I like my body. I really do. I mean, I'm not going to lie. When I see a girl who is built differently, naturally thin and slender, with a different frame than mine, I feel like a mammoth. But then I reach down and feel the strength in my calf muscles. I look at my biceps, that are getting a little more shape. And I remember what my body is. I'm not built slender and small. There's nothing I can do about that. My body is what it is. And to me it is strong.

-Challenge Accepted! Actually not really. I've come to realize that someone having a different viewpoint than mine, is not them challenging my beliefs. People come to different conclusions and different philosophies because of their different experiences. And if you take a minute to learn about those experiences, you'll understand their reasons better. It doesn't mean I have to argue, and say they're wrong, to prove I'm right. It doesn't mean I need to get defensive. It just means I need to sit back and listen, and enjoy having the opportunity to, step outside my box, and learn about a different perspective. If I feel like my beliefs are being challenged, than I need to go home, meditate and pray, and find my answers again.

-God goes with me everywhere and he's a part of every conversation. I don't think God would be afraid to go with me anywhere. He's seen it all and heard it all. I don't need to check God at the door just because I want to laugh at a dirty joke with the guys in the shop. To me, every thing relates to God, and I talk to him about every thing I enjoy and like to do.

-It can be so easy to objectify people. And I have worked really hard to try and make sure that I don't. It's hard, and I mess up a lot. But it's really important to me to remember to see the person behind every weird comment, rude gesture or odd traffic violation.

-I want to do my best to respect everyone, even if they are not respecting me. It's a challenge for sure, but I want to make sure I am respectful of everyone's thoughts, feelings and beliefs. It can be hard because I think we all feel our own feelings matter more. But I constantly remind myself that this is how I want to be.

-I think there is a difference between gossiping and discussing and relating. I just do.

-Sometimes I want to try and keep someone from having to endure the hardships I have had to endure. But then I realize I should not rob them of their experiences. It's my job to put my story out there. What people learn from it, and when, is not up to me.

-Relationships are hard. Just when I think I have things pretty figured out I am sent another challenge. At times I think there is really no reason to fight over anything, but then I a situation arises, and I struggle to find a way to handle things gracefully. I am still trying to figure out how to simply have relationships with friends and acquaintances. I am not certain if I am up for the challenge of another romance anytime soon.

-I gave a friend a book to read, with a warning that it could be triggering. She simply said she would be fine, and if it triggered something it simply gave her the opportunity to work on herself. A trigger lets us know of a part of ourselves that needs healing. Having a trigger allows us to realize this so we can heal it. What a wonderful perspective. I have tried to remember this.

-When I let someone make me mad, sad, angry, unhappy I give them power over me to do so. When I realize I can take back that power I find a new source of strength and power. Taking control of myself and my own emotions is the hardest, most stressful, most liberating and powerful thing I have learned to do.

-I don't feel I can judge anyone past, present or future. I don't believe I could ever fully understand anyone and why they made the choices they made. Nor do I believe that I am immune from being tempted to make similar choices if I were in their shoes.

-If I find myself asking "How could they do that?" or "Why would they choose that and not this?" I am usually moments away from learning a very humbling lesson of just exactly how and why.

-When people make the choice to do horrible things it is usually through a long line of justifications that make total and complete sense to them. To them they aren't choosing to do something wrong. In their minds they are doing right. And crossing that line of good and evil, right and wrong, could be easier than I believe it to be.

-I need to love myself fully, and enjoy every inch of my personality.

-I will not shame myself. Denying certain parts of who I am because I perceived them to be a sin only led me to being unhappy and bitter. Instead of shaming myself I just needed to learn how to live with those parts of myself in a healthy way. Embracing them, and finding out what those parts of me needed to feel to be fulfilled has led to great happiness.

-I believe the greatest way to make the world a better place is to take care for those in your circle. I can't take care of everyone. I can't end world hunger. But I can take my neighbor cookies when they are having a bad day. And I need to let that be enough.

-I am only as limited as I allow myself to be.

-Men and Woman are different, and play by different rules. Assuming one should be like the other is a mistake. Shaming one for not being like the other is a mistake. And assuming one plays by the same rules as the other is a mistake. I have simply learned to respect the other for what they are.


-I am not the teacher, God is. I could never fully comprehend all that a person is, what their mission in this life is and what lessons they need to learn. Some people may be teachers, but not me. My job is to love and to learn from others. Sometimes I forget this and I get angry with how someone has treated me, or I get upset about something that they said. I convince myself I'm just going to tell them how I feel, and that they need to learn this perspective, or take this into account. No, it never turns out good. I'll leave what someone else needs to learn up to God, and I will just continue to learn what I need to learn for myself.

-It is not up to me to determine what another person should be doing. One of the greatest analogies I ever heard was this: Imagine that whole human race is a body, with Christ as the head. Only the head knows what everyone should be doing. It is not up to the hand to tell the foot that what it is doing is wrong. Only the head knows. That really opened my eyes. I used to think people had to be taking a certain path in order to be doing the "right" thing. But now I realize that the right path can go off in many different directions.

-I am grateful I read Thomas Payne's theories on religion. It was extremely frustrating, but it helped me take a step back and really look at my beliefs through different eyes. It helped me see that what I believe is no more real than what another believes. I firmly believe the things that I believe, and I believe that they are true. But that doesn't mean everyone else's beliefs have to be false. We could all be wrong. We could all be right. We could all have some truths, and we could all have some lies. If I hear something that is different from what I believe I simply just take it into consideration, ponder it and pray about it. I don't have to simply dismiss it. In fact I usually find opening up to different ideas, opens up new doors and helps you explore even more of God's world.

Life is full of lessons. I have learned a great many more than this. But I should probably stop there. I have come so very far from the person that I once was. And yet the person I once was was key to helping me get to where I am. To those who actually read this, thanks! It was good for me to get all these thoughts written down. It helps me to see the world better, and hopefully be a better person.

Happy Valentine's Day

It seems kind of crazy. I am here facing Valentine's Day without a special someone on my arm. A thought that used to depress me. A thought that used to lead to me facing this day with bitterness and cookie dough. But this year I feel none of that-- though I did still enjoy some cookie dough ;)

It seems a little funny to be writing this now, after the morning I have had. I spent the day trying to convince myself to get out of bed, and get on with it. But every attempt to do so led to conflicts and confrontations with my children. Me, feeling more under the weather than I had realized, did not handle this well. After my second attempt to try and pull things together, I threw in the towel and called my mom for help.

However even with this bumpy morning I still felt like I should write this post.

I actually find myself happy with where I am, and who I am, right now. I'm quite content with my life. I'm enjoying going out with friends, laughing at inappropriate jokes and watching movies I probably never would have seen on my own. I'm also enjoying my nights at home, working on my book, trying to fit in exercise and putting order back into our lives-- as best as I can at least.

There are times I am in wanting. There are times I wish I had this or that. But for the most part I just feel happy and content. I feel God's love for me, and feel him helping me fill in any emotional gaps that may exist in my life.

I actually am enjoying being on my own. I'm enjoying learning how to be alone. It gives me a chance to learn about myself, to straighten things out and to further figure things out. I think I actually have quite a few things to learn before I embark on romantic relationships again. So I'm happy for the opportunity to do so. I wish I had learned how to enjoy being single before I got married, but I am glad for the circumstances that have brought me to where I am. I think without them I wouldn't have been able to have found this place of peace, as I have now.

This Valentine's Day was indeed different. I wish I could have taken more joy in my kids this morning, instead of being sick and tired. But, even so, I was delighted to find I wasn't jealous or depressed as I watched other's celebrate with their special someone's. I was glad to find I didn't spend this weekend wallowing in self pity, thinking the only way to end the sadness is for my secret admirer to show up with a flower on my doorstep. I didn't get lost in a fantasy. I was just happy to be celebrating Valentine's Day, here and now, just as I am.

So that is my Valentine's Day post. I had a wonderful weekend watching the "Deadpool" movie with friends, getting a mani-pedi with my parents and even getting a new swimsuit. It was quite wonderful, not depressing in the least. I think I have enjoyed this Valentine's Day more than many other's in the past, including some of those where I did have a special someone in my life.

You Are My Miracle

I remember when I was 20 something. I would sit up in my bed, look out my window, play this song, sing along and hope that one day I would be led to the love of my life. Don't ask me why I chose this song. Don't ask me why I sang it while staring out my window. These silly little questions have no real, logical answer. All I knew is I felt my Heavenly Father would bring that special someone into my life, and I was supposed to just be patient, and focus on me and my own life while I waited.



I sit here now, a 30 year old, single once again and focusing on my Heavenly Father's guidance, and doing my best to follow. This time I don't want to let doubts in. This time I don't want to question my little quirks, and my intuition. I know what Heavenly Father has asked of me. I have asked and asked and asked again. I have begged him to just let me do this, or just let me do that. And when I do those things I get burned, my life goes to chaos and I have to get up and put the pieces back together again.



Logic can't explain it. It doesn't make sense. But I've betrayed my quirky, intuitive, spiritual, hopeless romantic side before. I tried to force myself to use logic in my relationship choices. And it just didn't work. And it just doesn't work now.



I know how crazy I sound, but when I try to walk down the path, that other's say is "less" crazy, my life starts to fall apart, depression seeps in and I start to become an atom bomb exploding in all relationships around me-- friends, family, etc.



Then I have to pull myself back to my Heavenly Father, ragged and worn out. I have to hope I'll finally reach a breaking point where I can just bawl my eyes out, and let my tears slowly carry out the depressant that has built up in my body. And I have to ask once again what he would have me do.



Wait. That's what he says. He simply says wait. Wait for what? I don't know. But I rebuild my spiritual connections. I focus on the things Heavenly Father has told me to focus on. I get rid of connections I thought would bring me happiness, but really just bring in more agitation. And I listen to my Heavenly Father, and ask his forgiveness for doubting once again.



So, no, it doesn't make sense. I know. I can't explain it. People have told me my whole life I am wrong. But time and time again this is where I am brought back to. I have to be true to myself. I have to do the things that lead to my happiness. Even if other's insist that's not where happiness lies.



I guess in someways that's the "miracle" I sang about, out my window, every night. The path I choose doesn't seem like it will bring order and stability to my life, but it really does.

I Can Not Find My Way

I'm listening to my Christmas music tonight, yes I'm listening to Christmas music already, and a thought occurs to me.



It's occurred to me before. This time of year comes around and I just ponder how much I love it. I think I have posted about this before. In fact I'm almost certain I have. Yup I have. In fact its right here. But maybe I can make this post a little different.


I love a lot of things about winter. I love the cold. I love the early nights. I love the snow. I love the glow that come from everything being covered in white. I know I'm crazy! I need this time of year. I need the winter. I need this season. I appreciate every season, and every time of the year. They all give me something different, and they all allow me to focus on different things. And I decided to  sit down and think about what this time of year really lets me focus on.



So as I jammed out to my music I began to ponder my thoughts. Christmas music stirs me with excitement and joy. It give me that wonderful, energetic, "something exciting is going to happen" feeling. That's the mark of a wonderful song for me, and a good majority of Christmas music is full of these things. Along with this excited feeling I also feel peace. I mean a majority of what I listen to is songs about Christ. And so I feel His peace surround me. I absolutely love it!



This made me realize why I must love listening to Christmas music so early on in the season. I think I like beginning the journey. I like playing the music, feeling the excitement, and pondering his peace. The story of Christ's birth is beautiful in many ways, but one of the ways it is beautiful to me is because it is so peaceful. So many in that story are in search of something, a sign, a blessing, a safe place to stay. And in this story they all find it, and for a moment they all relish in he peace that fills their heart. And we get to spend the season focusing on that. The fact that they found it. That they all found, and shared in peace, for a moment in time.



So I gladly put on my Christmas music, and enjoy starting my journey to finding that peace. The music excites me to begin my journey, and reminds me of the peace I seek. I get a whole season to find it. Why not start the journey as soon as I can?

This Is Me

This is me, on my 30th birthday. Yup just me, a crazy woman, who does her best to follow what she feels is right in her heart, but sometimes struggles to do so.

I vowed to listen to my Heavenly Father, and follow his counsel, as I ventured into the unknown and filed for divorce. He has led me to only good places, and has always helped me to find peace. And yet I still struggle at times to follow what he says. I have gotten full and complete confirmation on the answers I have received about my guy. Sometimes I wish the answer was different. Sometimes I think I can change it. I know that a lot of people probably think I'm crazy to follow it. After all, I sometimes think I am. But no matter what it is the answer. So then I try to lawyer my way out of. I try to find some sort of clause in our agreement. Well if you take this feeling her, and this desire here and combine it with these fact here then I could technically. . .technically open an account on a dating website.

So what do I do? I open an account. I ask Heavenly Father if this is OK. His answer? I already know it. Please, please just let me have this! Well I do it anyway. I message guys, they message me. I look at this guy here and that guy there. It seems fun. It seems to fill a void. But then I feel it. The reality of it all. This isn't what I want. This isn't fun at all. Where do I expect this go? What do I expect to happen? He told me no, and any guy I meet on there is going to just be a dead end. And I can start to feel it in myself. I'm not ready for this, and if I just go out and start dating just anyone I'm going to make a poor decision. I'm not strong enough to date like this. And slowly those little chats, winks and flirts just become empty. They give me 5 seconds of fun, and then it fades.

So I talk to my Father again. He tells me what He desires. I decide to listen this time. I mean really listen. And what happens. I deactivate my account even though I'm afraid it will make that void in my life fill like The Grand Canyon once again. But instead I find peace. And I find a more fulfilling joy in filling that void the way He counsels me to. Yes I'm crazy. Yes people won't always understand. But I know I must listen to my Heavenly Father. Even if it doesn't make sense to me. Even if it's hard to explain. This is what I must do. I can't wiggle my way out of it, or get the same results a different way. Deep down I know this is best for me.

Going to Comic-Con (Han) Solo

So I got this crazy idea to go to Comic-Con this year. It was a great excuse for me to take advantage of my short red hair, and buy a black widow costume. I wasn't all too sure if I was a Black Widow fan, but I have to say putting on that costume kind of converted me.

I took my little boy with me on Thursday. You want to know what's weird? Stepping into a bathroom on a train in normal street clothes, and then stepping out dressed in a cat suit with knee high boots. I almost didn't want to open that door because how do you not draw attention? At least I had little Iron Man by my side.

 On the first day I went right after work. I tried to pull off the Winter Soldier look with the straight hair parted down the middle. A look I didn't find attractive on Scarlet Johanson in the movie, and a look I don't find attractive on myself either. But it worked for that quick run to the convention that day. Plus some guys asked to get a pic with me that day and as I walked away they said, "Dude, that was the hottest one so far." Why thank you! ;)

We had some fun times at the convention. A lot of people complimented our costumes. Someone even said nice Cosplay. I couldn't believe my costume passed for cosplay.

I bought my little guy a light saber and he had an epic battle on the train platform after the con.

Then came the big day. . .Saturday. I planned on going all by myself. And even though my introverted self sort of wanted to stay in, I put on my costume, curled my hair, pulled out the fake eyelashes and headed to Comic-Con. I had some decent motivation. . .

That's right! I got to meet Chris Evans. Though he's not the real Captain America, he's as close as one can get right? And if you read my post about Captain America, you'll understand the significance of this meeting. That movie, and that superhero, have come to be really special to me. By the way, Chris Evan's is quite thin. I was shocked when I put my arm around him. I think my thigh is as big as his waist.

Well up until I met up with my friend and took a pic with Chris Evans. I wandered around, held some snakes, took a picture with some pirates, you know pretty normal everyday stuff ;)

Then I hung out with my friend for a little bit after that. I'm so grateful to my friend that got me in for the pic. I haven't seen her since Jr. High. She is seriously an awesome person! And I had so much fun hanging out with her, and catching up.

And that was my Comic-Con experience. It was quite fun, and I really liked dressing up as Black Widow. That totally rocked! I felt awesome!

Sometimes being alone is doable. Sometimes I force myself to get out and enjoy things even though I don't have someone with me right now-- he's a little preoccupied at the moment. Then there are days when you just want a conversation. You just want someone there with you to help you finish painting your room, or to enjoy a convention with.

It's crazy! I try to just seek happiness in myself. I know that a change of circumstance won't bring true happiness. It just brings on different joys and different trials. But there's still a drive, you just can't ignore, to be with someone, to have a partner. And no one can take the place of that partner. I have wonderful friends and family, but even surrounded by them can't fill that void.

Not to mention there's just nothing like talking with my guy. The focus and attention he gave me can't be matched. Not to mention how fulfilling it was to discuss things with him. I miss that the most. I miss having a conversation with him. I know he's not in a place to have one of those conversations right now. He truly has a lot to deal with. But I'm just working on being patient, at peace, and listening to the Lord and following his guidance. He finds ways to ease that burden of loneliness, and I am grateful for those times when he has blessed me in that way.

Have a lovely night everyone!

If These Walls Could Talk

As I paint the room that was once my master bedroom, and is now a room for two little boys, I can't help but ponder the feelings that come upon me.

I plaster dents and dings. For every little thing I did to try and improve my home I also slowly watched it get torn a part around me. Part of that was my doing. And now I pay the price. For all the rage and anger taken out on these walls I have to set out on my own to patch up their scars. I can feel the energy they hold. I can feel the sadness. I can hear the stories that they tell. The stories I know all too well.

But perhaps, with a fresh coat of paint and some putty for the dings, these walls can start to tell a new story. Perhaps we can all begin fresh. We can forgive each other, and ourselves. We can continue to invite peace into our lives. And we can promise ourselves we will not destroy our hard work this time, whether it be the work on our own selves or the work we have done on the house.

To making repairs and moving forward :)

P.S. This room truly has terrible lighting, so don't judge the paint job by these photos alone. Plus I'm not completely done yet.