I've come to the conclusion, yet again, that there is just no one out there for me.
I know what everyone will say about the negative juju I'm putting out into the universe. I know people will comment on how this attitude is not going to attract a good guy into my life. But I really just don't think this story will have that ending.
Yes, I know that sounds negative and awful. But I really think I have done well to show myself that I have become a much healthier and better of myself. I feel I have learned what I needed to learn about me, which is: I have the skills to be healthy and happy in a relationship, and be part of creating a healthy and happy relationship. And that is what I needed to know. I've made my attempts. I am working through something right now-- its a weird situation. But over all I'm happy with myself and how far I've come. I feel I have done well to mend my broken pieces and be a person who is worthy of love, who was always worthy of love but now knows better how to see it.
Believe you me, I would love to believe there's someone for everyone. I would love to believe someone could actually love and accept me for who I am. I would love to believe in so many things. But the dating world is just not right people.
I haven't really been looking for a good while, and the few that have managed to enter my circle just don't seem to last. I have met some great guys, but they just aren't ready. And chances are when they are ready it won't be me they decide to date.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just the relationship triage nurse. They come to me with their wounds still fresh, and their bruised egos. They need someone to make life feel a little less lonely. And as awesome as I am-- because I am freaking awesome-- they just aren't ready to commit.
But oh well, it's OK. So many great and awesome people are just struggling out there. I shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that I struggle too. I just think the world of dating is too messed up.
The odds of me attracting this certain type, this type that just works so well for me, are very low. But despite the way things have turned out, I did learn some valuable things. And I have learned to spot negative behaviors, and understand better why they are negative for me.
Maybe one day we can fix what we have broken. Maybe one day we'll decide we want to have a different dating experience and try to be better for each other. But the damage is done. It's messed up out there. And in the mean time we are all getting so used to just being alone, that I think we start to try less and less.
There aren't plenty of fish out there. I don't know about you. But I don't have a long line of great options to chose from. I'm so tired of hearing, "There's lots of good guys out there." I'm so tired of people assuming I will actually manage to attract these "good guys". I think I am an awesome person, with great qualities, that would work well for building a healthy relationship. But I just don't think these guys will ever really care for me. There's just something about me. I'm just not what they are looking for. I just don't think it's going to happen.
I hope we can all decide to drink our bitter cup and be done with it. I hope we can let go of the past hurts. I hope we can stop calling each other names, and lumping each other together in negative stereotypes. I hope we can start to just be the person we would want to date. I hope we can chose to commit to being better for ourselves and each other. Lets stop being bitter and angry. We're all in this together people! Lets join forces instead of holding shit against each other. Lets give that new person the chance they deserve instead of killing the relationship with the hurts and heartaches of our last relationship. Lets just be open and honest with each other about our needs and wants. I hope we can all try to be better and do better. I hope we can fix the dating life.
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