So this is a different post. I'm mostly writing it to get my thoughts out because they need to go somewhere. I can't think straight anymore.
Most may know that life has been rough. I have had one disaster after another from expensive home repairs to just flat bad luck. When it rains it pours, and my attempts to try and stick it out and wait for the storm to pass were futile. The storm did not pass, it got worse. . .and worse. . .and worse. It was as though life was trying to kill any hope or self worth I had left. I lost my job, and I did my best to stay focused. I was planning to join the Army, and soon life would come back together. This was just temporary. Then the Army told me I didn't get the medic slot, and I was done. I slipped into a depression unlike anything I had experienced before. Life just felt hopeless. I called my friend crying saying I just couldn't take it anymore. People tried to present me with career paths but I couldn't bring myself to care about anything else. I had just lost an option that would help me get to a career I have wanted to do since I was in Jr High. I struggled everyday. I felt like there wasn't anything worth looking forward to. Lets face it, things were never going to get better. Where was the motivation to go on? I even tried convincing myself that my kids would be better off without me. But that was a lie even I couldn't believe.
In situations like these I would usually give up, so I forced myself to keep trying. I turned to other branches of the military. I tried to find medic slots in the National Guard, but it just wasn't working. I was so tired and strung out I just couldn't think about going to basic training anymore, or being away for six months. I had been in survival mode for a while. I still am in survival mode. How could I deal with the stress of the military on top of all this? I had been powering through every single day. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I did little to upkeep my mental health. And in the midst of this chaotic mess of tiredness and stress I met a guy.
He was a friend I had met before at one of those rucking events I'm always going on about-- yeah I'm annoying. And we got together so I could ask him more questions about the military. We seemed to hit it off, and for once something happened that hasn't happened in a long time: a guy seemed as motivated to spend time with my as I was to spend time with him. It all seemed too good. There wasn't a leap to take here. It wasn't a risk. It seemed practically guaranteed. He said things that led me to believe he was planning on us being together for the long foreseeable future. So I had to stop and decide if I was ready for this too. I decided it seemed worth pursuing and jumped on board. The only issue was. . .well. . .there were issues. . .and he wasn't ready to commit. But he talked about wanting to do things together, even things that were a year out. So I decided to still give it a shot. He seemed to be a sweet, honest and good guy. And honestly he is those things. I had not met someone like this in a while. I didn't even think it was possible to meet someone like this. But I fear, with the inability to commit on his part, this may have been a mistake.
See my life was too stressful. As long as the relationship seemed to relieve that stress it seemed great. But when it became a stress too. . . it got hard.
My self worth was low. I had recovered maybe some of it, but everyday was a different story. Who knew when life would throw another failure in my face? They were coming at me like crazy lately. And because of this his inability to commit became a breeding ground for insecurities. I wasn't ready to be treated like a girlfriend one minute, and then reminded, yet again, he couldn't offer commitment the next. I wasn't ready to be held under the light and examined, picked and prodded at, brushed over with fine toothed comb to make sure I don't have traits like his ex wife. I wasn't ready to have my flaws highlighted as red flags that gave him concerns about pursuing things with me. He had his reasons to fear, and be insecure, and not trust. We all are broken. I just wasn't in a state to deal with these things. I did my best to understand him, and his point of view. I knew where he was coming from, and we communicated about things a lot. Please do not look at this as though he is a monster. We're all train wrecks, and under different circumstances I could have handled his train wreck better. I was just still stuck in my own train wreck.
Since I have not been mentally strong I have simply turned to old coping mechanisms and bad habits. I started to feel more anxious and stressed. Codependency reared its ugly head. Going out and doing things alone became depressing and sad. I didn't want to do anything anymore. It was so nice to have someone to do stuff with again. I just wanted to get back to spending time with him. I became the person I hate, relationship me, old relationship me. A relationship that had just started, that was new and fun, went straight to not fun way too fast. And he was stressed too, so it only added to it. This relationship was not mature enough to handle that stress. We needed more of the fun.
There was eventually a talk and an agreement to pick up things later. But right now, I'm just trying to turn the focus back onto me, and not hold out, or hope for, anything. I'm trying to finally work on myself like I should have been doing all a long. Honestly there was a sense of relief felt when it ended. Suddenly having to do things alone wasn't sad and depressing. I was actually getting excited about getting back to my life where doing stuff alone wasn't hard.
So moral of the story is this. In the single world you will hear this all the time: Hurt people hurt. Why do I mention all this? Because we're BROKEN!!! Be aware of your broken. Be honest with yourself. Make sure you are really ready to date because this thing was supposed to be something fun and amazing, but it ended up adding stress to my already stressful life. I didn't need to deal with all this on top of everything else, and I should have recognized that myself. But I didn't. And you know what it's OK. We have all been that broken person who probably hurt someone by moving on to fast. I knew I was broken and have done my best to stay away from the dating world. I have tried to work on things myself and discuss things about dating to get ideas and theories, so a lot of people keep suggesting forms of dating I should try. Men seem to not take me seriously when I tell them I don't want to date. I mean, you're single, of course you're interested in dating right? No!!! No I really am not in a good place to date. I decided to take a chance on something because it seemed like a guarantee that it would be great. I did my best to be a healthy person in the relationship. But soon it just became something that highlighted the insecurities I already had. And it really set me back.
Just make sure you're ready. Hurt people really do hurt. That doesn't mean you need to be 100%. It means you need to recognize that you are not 100% and just be honest with yourself and the other person about your wants and needs.
Relationships are bull shit people!!! I'm in a sinking ship with loads of dating advice pulling me down. My head is spinning and I can't do it anymore. I need to clear my head and get rid of all this advice garbage. I'm just doing my best to focus on me now.
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