Maybe You Don't Lie, But Are You Honest?

These past few weeks I have noticed a shift in myself. I attended a Christian Concert with a friend, and came to some realizations about myself. It was so great to feed my spiritual side. I have been so afraid to explore spirituality lately because of the roads I have gone down.

When you come to a point in your life where you say, "OK God, I will follow you. Not the church. Not the people. I will follow you. Lead me to where I need to go. Bring a good man into my life. I will listen to you and do what you ask." And then what follows is a string of disastrous relationships, it makes following God a little hard. Sure, those experiences helped you to grow and become better. Sure, they took you down paths that led you to other paths that have helped you become more who you are. But Still, when someone says, "After a string of bad relationships, I finally sat down and asked God to lead me to a good partner. And shortly after that I met my spouse." You start to wonder why your faith was not met with the same enthusiasm. So I decided to stop trying to define God. I decided to just sit back and observe. But I struggled with that because I wanted God to play a role in my life, and this way it felt like he was too absent.


I think we all need direction in life. I think we need a form of spirituality. Whatever form you choose is up to you. I choose God to be my center, my focus. But I think what is more important is that you take time every night to do a meditative practice. Quiet your brain and speak to your center and reaffirm what it is you are truly working towards in life. The world can get so noisy, and our other emotions can tempt us to stray. Keep in touch with your center, and I feel you will find more peace.

I had put off seeking that spirituality until I got my life back together. I was just too stressed and life was too chaotic. I kept saying, "Let me just get here, and then I will work on myself again."

Well this concert taught me that this was a dangerous rhetoric to have in my life. Like so many times, through being raised in the Mormon church and dealing with a certain culture, I had been taught to think I was never good enough. If something is going wrong in my life it's because I am not paying the piper right.

• Are you paying your tithes? 
• Are you going to church? 
• Are you studying your scriptures? 

Yes, yes and yes. Well then you must not be doing it in the right way or with the right amount of faith. Hmm. . . I guess I am just a person who lacks the faith and I will never have the faith I need to be worthy of God's blessings. 

I had now taken this thought process and applied it to my dating life.

• Are you working on yourself? 
• Are you focusing on you and your kids? 
• Do you truly love yourself? 

Yes, yes and yes. . . I mean. . . I think so. I try really hard. Hmm. . .well there must still be something you're doing that is causing you to attract these types. Why don't you try to keep working on yourself more?

These types of processes always lead me to the same place: giving up. And give up I had. If I wasn't good enough for a relationship than fuck that!!! I didn't give a shit anymore. If I'm not good enough I'm not ever going to be good enough so I'm done!!!! This same thing happened years ago with God. And that is when I started to let grace in. Now I needed to let grace in again.

You see, God was enough. Jesus was enough. I didn't need to do all these things to earn their love. They gave of their love freely. They were giving it to me, and I was too busy saying I didn't deserve it to just accept it. And this is what I am doing with relationships as well. So I dropped that rhetoric. And I just said, "I deserve love. I am worthy of love." And now everyday, when I wake up. . .when I am struggling. . . when I feel weak. . . or just when it comes to mind, I say, "Jesus give me love because I am worthy of love." It's cheesy I know, and remember God is MY center. This same process can be applied in your life however you feel comfortable applying it. But it has helped. Oh how it has helped.

I have dropped all those relationship words of advice. I have shed the criticisms and the hurts. And I have just moved on and been happy and in love with me and my life. The rain is still pouring down, but I am just smiling and carrying on.

The group I went to see was Adam's Road. I really appreciated their testimonies and their mission. If you want to check them out just google it. They are pretty awesome!

Now if you want to keep reading you are welcome to. I know this post is already long, but I'm going to share some things I have learned since I turned back to God.

This is where the title of the post comes into play. I have learned that all this advice people gave me, only caused confusion because I had already learned what I needed to learn. I think their advice was meant to be the same as what I was already applying to my life, but I felt it was different so I went back to my old habits and ways, thinking I was following the new advice. Make sense? Not really? That's OK it's not extremely important.

So I have long since been intrigued by attraction. What is attraction? Why do people seem to not acknowledge that we need attraction? Why don't people understand that my attraction for a romantic partner is different than my attraction for a friend? Why don't people understand that I want and need this attraction?

I ran into an old friend who also was interested in exploring attraction. And his theory was that we have needs we need to be met by a romantic partner, and we're attracted to certain people because we feel they have that something we need.

I had a pattern in my life of wanting a certain guy, but that guy not wanting me. I would loose that relationship and along would come some other guy. Usually a sweet friend, or someone I had an adoration for, but did not find attractive romantically. They confessed their love, so to speak, and their desire to fulfill my needs. And I started to feel attracted.
Did I? I don't know. Yeah I think they're cute. Maybe? Hmm. . . I need to see them again. Yeah, yeah I'm pretty sure I think they are attractive. Their voice kind of bugs me though. Not a big deal, not a big deal at all. We can't be picky right? No one is perfect Tricia. 
So I would date these guys, and I would go through a pattern of emotions myself. These relationships were usually marked as my longest, most successful relationships. But not my healthiest. But there was an issue. I did not like who I was in these relationships. My self esteem was low, everything was a fight and there was no way this could actually lead to happiness. Let me break down what I learned by highlighting the negative traits in myself and the things I think that caused them.

1. Codependency Mixed with My Partner Feeling Feeling a Lack- After looking back I think I figured out what caused most of the codependency. And it is the title of this post. This one is of the utmost importance because seemingly small things lead to big huge problems. Those small things are not being honest with yourself or your partner. When you withhold information, even the smallest bit of information, it can lead to that partner now being dependent on you. Say you make a decision. But to make that decision you pushed aside your own needs in the name of meeting your partners needs. Say you kept info from your partner that would allow them to be a part of making that decision- ie: Yes we could buy that, but it would have to go on the credit card. Instead of trusting your partner with the information needed to make a well informed decision you withheld information and, in a way, made a decision for them. It happens all the time. Not lying is one thing, but a harder one to recognize is not being open and honest. The simplest moments of open honesty can lead to a way more secure relationship. For example: Your partner says, "I need someone to talk to." Instead of pushing aside your needs at the time, or talking to them even though it is stressed, you honestly express your needs. "I can't talk right now because of *insert reason here*. Could I make some time to talk to you later?" Trust me it makes a world of difference. Be honest with yourself. Be honest about your needs. Then be honest with your partner. Trust them to take the info and make a mature and reasonable decision. Not to mention when you keep shoving your needs aside to meet their needs, needs that may not even matter that much if they understand the cost, a resentment starts to build up. And believe me when I say, you do not want to go down that road. That resentment leads to some very dark places. A more honest relationship with well established communication will create a return of a less codependent and much healthier relationship. 
2. Codependency Mixed with Anxious Stress- This one also ties into codependency. So these guys that I end up with usually expressed a desire to meet the basic, obvious needs in a relationship. They want to spend time with me. They make time for me. They offer to go places with me. And they are available and they pay attention to the things I like. Great right? So it would seem. But these were actually not my needs. It sounds nice, so nice. But in reality letting myself rely on the guys for these things, instead of maintaining my independence in those areas, killed my self esteem and my ability to stand on my own. Them meeting those needs soon becomes like a band aid. It doesn't actually help me, it just seems to help. And I become dependent on it and addicted like a drug. Soon I am consumed by anxious, excited stress. What they give is never enough. It could never be enough. I gave up my ability to provide what I needed for myself when I relied on them for it. And now I am putting a strain on this relationship that is not fair in the slightest. What are my actual needs? Who knows? I can tell you I don't mind going places by myself, I actually kind of like it. If you can come great! But if I put off doing something because I now don't want to go alone, not great. Having someone to talk to is nice, but if it comes at the price of that persons own mental health I don't need it. In reality I need is what was mentioned above, to be treated like a reasonable, mature and logical adult. An equal partner. Give me communication. Show me you trust me. Don't make me ask for information, give it to me freely. Establish a relationship of trust by doing the smallest of things, it can be done right at the beginning. And that is replying to messages. Not instantly. Not constantly. But show me that you will always reply eventually. Not lying guys. Its amazing how well this works. Don't leave me on "read" forever. And also offer info freely. Tell me why you can't reply right away, instead of leaving me to ask which causes me to feel like I'm an insecure jealous person. And once again establishes that you trust me to understand why you can't always reply. It does wonders!!!
3. Feelings of Worthlessness- This one  is rooted in the guys needs. Their needs are not adequately expressed. They usually express a basic need like the need for touch or cuddling, or the need to be desired. Needs aren't hard for me to meet, but usually I become incapable because I summed up their needs too simply. I had not been told otherwise what they needed, and now, even though I am meeting those basic needs, I am not enough. And then what happens to me? My self worth goes down the toilet. I start to feel like I will never be enough and I begin to stress and obsess about it. This also comes from another place. Most the time these guys have checklists. A list of items they want in a partner. And they are also trying to avoid the traits of their ex, so you are under the microscope for those things as well. Now you're constantly stressed about the fact that you like this guy, but that you may not meet all the qualifications outlined for the job. Even though you feel super willing to care for this person, and be there for them, you may not perform this one thing just right and then you will be shown the exit door. It is a stressful way to date, and a guy with a checklist is now not a guy for me. I am not mentally putting myself through that anymore. If you like me, if you enjoy my company and if I like you and I enjoy your company, lets spend time together. Simple as that. Lets have fun!!! Take the damn fear out of it, and lets just have fun please!
4. I'm Kind of a Bitch- To put it simply. . . yes, yes I am. When I go for these guys I often feel like I settled, and I become a brat. I feel that because I agreed to date them they should really appreciate me and how amazing I am. And when they don't I get kind of upset. I want to feel special. I want to feel like someone is grateful to have me in their life. And when I don't I'm left with a bitter taste. In an effort to avoid this negative trait of mine I try to turn things around. I try to notice what I appreciate about them. I try to be super grateful for them. I try to focus on their good traits that I feel lucky to have. And then this seems to create some sort of weird power play. They become the alpha, they still don't express their appreciation for me, and now they assume I am the "luck one" who should be so grateful they are dating me. I feel like I need a guy that I am grateful for at the beginning. Someone I am willing to humble myself for, and try to be better for. And hopefully this feeling is returned.

So this is where the attraction thing comes back into play. After my first marriage I set to stick with the guys I originally sought after, instead of settling for the one that comes along when I have lost what I wanted. I think this is why my needs were never actually being met, and I was having such negative responses to what should have been such a positive relationship. If my friends theory is true, the fact that I was not really attracted to these guys was probably because I knew they couldn't actually meet my real needs. My brain knew that, but I wanted to go for what was easy, so I convinced myself the other relationship was what I wanted. And in the end two people got stuck in a cyclone of bitterness and hurt because we were never going to be enough for each other. 

Sorry people that was long. Congrats if you are still here. Congrats if you actually read all of that and didn't just skim through it, like I sometimes do. I feel like I have made some real progress in life lately. I feel so much happier, and better about things. Life is still raining down it's shit storm on me, but I'm OK. I feel so much better about me and where I am at. I am taking care of myself better, and the stressed anxious sadness is gone. I don't know where life will take me. But I'm finding ways to be more content with where I am. I hope we all can find that place where we just let ourselves be worthy of the love we seek, and where we create a more honest relationship with ourselves and those around us.