This Is Me

This is me, on my 30th birthday. Yup just me, a crazy woman, who does her best to follow what she feels is right in her heart, but sometimes struggles to do so.

I vowed to listen to my Heavenly Father, and follow his counsel, as I ventured into the unknown and filed for divorce. He has led me to only good places, and has always helped me to find peace. And yet I still struggle at times to follow what he says. I have gotten full and complete confirmation on the answers I have received about my guy. Sometimes I wish the answer was different. Sometimes I think I can change it. I know that a lot of people probably think I'm crazy to follow it. After all, I sometimes think I am. But no matter what it is the answer. So then I try to lawyer my way out of. I try to find some sort of clause in our agreement. Well if you take this feeling her, and this desire here and combine it with these fact here then I could technically. . .technically open an account on a dating website.

So what do I do? I open an account. I ask Heavenly Father if this is OK. His answer? I already know it. Please, please just let me have this! Well I do it anyway. I message guys, they message me. I look at this guy here and that guy there. It seems fun. It seems to fill a void. But then I feel it. The reality of it all. This isn't what I want. This isn't fun at all. Where do I expect this go? What do I expect to happen? He told me no, and any guy I meet on there is going to just be a dead end. And I can start to feel it in myself. I'm not ready for this, and if I just go out and start dating just anyone I'm going to make a poor decision. I'm not strong enough to date like this. And slowly those little chats, winks and flirts just become empty. They give me 5 seconds of fun, and then it fades.

So I talk to my Father again. He tells me what He desires. I decide to listen this time. I mean really listen. And what happens. I deactivate my account even though I'm afraid it will make that void in my life fill like The Grand Canyon once again. But instead I find peace. And I find a more fulfilling joy in filling that void the way He counsels me to. Yes I'm crazy. Yes people won't always understand. But I know I must listen to my Heavenly Father. Even if it doesn't make sense to me. Even if it's hard to explain. This is what I must do. I can't wiggle my way out of it, or get the same results a different way. Deep down I know this is best for me.