Just a Tidbit from one of my other Blogs

Just a post from my other blog that I wanted to include here.

http://mommywithtwins.blogspot.com/2016/04/keeping-faith.html?m=1

Confessions of a Single Mom on Dating

Let's face it, life being single has its superbly unpleasant moments. Just give online dating a try and you'll see what I mean.
It can also be pretty awesome. And sometimes I'm tempted to just remain this way. But for the most part, it seems, we have a drive to end the single state, and find ourselves a mate.
I'm never quite certain of how I'll meet my special someone. I try to keep my eyes peeled at all all times, and I try to remain open to all outlets, and ideas, for meeting people-- I can be kind of stubborn about some things.
So the other night I took a couple of my kids, and my nephew, to the pool. And as I was standing there trying to watch all the kids playing in the water, I spotted him: a handsome man, with wavey brown hair, piercing blue eyes and two cute little girls that he was watching.
So I started to look for signs and signals that he was, perchance, single.
You see the single life isn't so 'cut and dry' when you have kids. You may see a guy playing with his kids, with no mate in sight, but suddenly his wife shows up. Or you're talking to a guy at Chik-fil-a, and thinking, "We're really hitting it off!" Then he mentions his wife, who is at work at the moment. Dangit! 

I usually assume if they see me with my kids their assumption is I'm married, or taken. And a wedding ring is not always useful. I went without a wedding ring for 3 years before my divorce, and I never got hit on. The ring thing is even trickier at the pool. Did they just take it off for swimming? You don't know.

So I watched him. We made eye contact from time to time. I didn't see another woman walk up to him while he was there. And, as a final check I looked for the ring. No ring! Sweet! I'm 90 percent sure this guy is genuinely available.
Next step: try and get close enough to talk.
Problem: my kids seemed to always be choosing the attraction he was leaving.
I tried to work it in. I tried to get close. I tried to get my kids to go to the same attraction. And when they refused?

"Hey, listen, there is this really attractive guy over at that pool playing with his daughters. Can we go over there, so Mom can meet him?"
Child shakes his head 'no'.
"No? Come on. Please."
Shakes his head 'no'.
"Come on! I'll give you a dollar."

Yup, I resorted to bribery, people.

Child shakes his head 'no'.
"What? You won't do it for a dollar? Come on. I'll give you a dollar, we can go over there and you can flirt with his two little girls. It's a win/win!"
Child shakes his head 'no'.

Damn! 

Well fate finally put us in the lazy river at the same time. We even ended up in the whirlpool at the same time. Success! 
Except for one thing: I'm too shy!
I look over at him. He looks at me and smiles. I smile back. Oh man! This is going good. Maybe he's actually interested in me too. Come on just a little bit longer and I'm sure a conversation will start. Oh my gosh! I think he's about to. . .

He leaves.

And pretty soon I see him walk out of the pool completely. Moment lost!
That's the other hard part about being single: being brave enough to assert yourself.
I don't know how to play this game. Do I slip him my number? Do I just be blunt? Do I sing the lyrics to a Carly Rae Jepsen song? How do you do this?
I wish there was an app where you could take a pic of a cute guy and send a pic and a  message to his phone that said, "Hey it's the cute girl that saw you at (insert location) if you're single, and available, I'd like to get to know you better. Text me at (insert number).
I mean could someone just invent that please?!
Being single is fun, but it can be rough. You think they're plenty of fish in the sea. But the truth is you very seldom stumble upon someone who you are: 

a) attracted to. 

b) excited about. 

c) has the same interests as you. 

d) is the same age as you. 

e) feels safe. 

And let's not forget: 

f) feels everything above for you too. 

And being attractive has never made it easier. Assuming I'm attractive. Which I believe myself to be. All being attractive gets you is this:
The guy: "Wow! You are gorgeous! I love a ginger. And you like Star wars! You sound awesome!"
Me: Haha!" (Tries to start up conversations.)

*crickets chirp*

*guy is actually not interested in me at all and jumped the enthusiastic "hot girl that is a  Star Wars fan" gun. He now either disappears. Or gets upset with me for trying to establish boundaries or figure out the interest level.*

The war goes on. I am ready for this battle. And, you know, being single isn't really all that bad. I see no need to settle. I don't need financial support. I am taking care of me and my boys just fine. I can learn to be happy alone just as easily as I can learn to be happy with someone. And. . .well. . .as far as intimacy  goes. . .settling gets me nowhere. If sex is not an expression of love, its not worth having, in my opinion. So intimacy in a relationship, where I got married 'just because', would probably end up being pretty bland. 

Just my thoughts, from my own experiences.  

If I don't find someone I'll be fine. And if I do? I'm sure he'll be amazing! Because.  . .well. . .let's face it. . .I'm pretty awesome! 

It's Not Over. . .

. . .until the redhead gets a selfie.

I took the opportunity to enjoy a couple operas that have been on my list of  "shows I must see" for a while. Since finding a partner, who will agree to go to an opera of all things, can prove to be a challenge. I just took myself. I'm enjoying learning to do things on my own. I don't want to miss out on new experiences just because I can't find someone to attend with me. I let that hold me back from too many things already.

The first one was Turandot. I wanted to see this one because it contains one of my favorite songs "Nessun Dorma". I saw this one at a Cinemark theater. It was broadcast from the Met in New York. The set was amazing, and the music was beautiful. The plus to viewing an opera this way is that you get to sneak a selfie with Deadpool and enjoy some kettle corn. Yum!

My second trip to the Opera was a little more formal. I attended a local production of Aida. I happened upon a ticket, and decided to take myself, and my grandma's hat, to down town Salt Lake to enjoy the show.

I ran straight from work to catch the train. I had to change and get ready in the train bathrooms. If I thought walking into the train bathroom and emerging in my Black Widow costume for Comic-con was awkward, going into the bathroom and emerging in a formal proved to be just as awkward-- if not more so.

If you have ever listened to Opera Babes-- they are amazing by the way-- you may have heard the song "Vittorial" from Aida. This was the song that first sparked my interest in Verdi's famous opera. Now, you won't hear this song sung in the opera itself-- a bit of a disappointment. But you get to hear the melody, and the opera is still beautiful.

My poor dress got dragged along the streets of Salt Lake as I searched for Capital Theater. It's been a while since I've seen a show there, and I had forgotten exactly where it was. My feet were not too happy with me either. Of course, they never are when I where those heels. Darn you black pumps! Why are you the only thing that matches?

I have learned to just enjoy going to things on my own. I have gotten used to the reaction I get at restaurants when I ask for a table for one. I have learned to enjoy the moments to sit in the mall food court and type away on my book, instead of longing for someone to have a fun conversation with. And I come to enjoy some of the freedoms that come from just getting out on my own, and not being limited by needing to wait for someone to go with. But going to Aida, by myself, took some extra effort. But I did it. It was hard, but I made it. And because I did so I got to enjoy a new experience and see a show I have been wanting to see for years. And the show was beautiful Yes the experience was grand. Almost missing the last train out, and not being sure if I'd be able to hook up with the train headed back to Provo, was not so grand. But, good news, I did make the train. And I had my Mom on stand by in case I didn't-- another disadvantage to going alone. Thanks Mom for being willing to come and get me!

I also gave myself another challenge. I made myself try auditioning for plays again. I did not want to. I really did not want to. But auditioning wasn't as scary as wondering what might have happened had I auditioned. So I gave it a go. I mean I love singing. I really do. And I'm sad that my nerves, and my fear of rejection have kept me from sharing my love of singing with the world. So I have tried to work harder on being comfortable performing in front of people. And I decided to audition for a show in an attempt to try and not hide my talents in the sand.

The audition did not go as planned. It was alright, but not as great as I had hoped. But hey, good news, my cat came back that night. I really did miss my furry little selfie partner.

*Sigh* I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I can sing for people, the way I sing in the shower. As long as my little heart loves to sing, I guess I'll keep trying. :)

It's not over till the fat lady sings, and it's definitely not over for me. I have a lot to experience. I have a lot to learn. And I am trying to not let things hold me back from enjoying those experiences and learning those lessons.

From the Brain of Tricia

I has just finished crossing the street, with my four little boys. We were walking towards the Provo Temple, to go through the tour as a my family. My parents were with me, and my brother's family would meet us there. Then we saw a man, holding a flyer telling us to go to the website "josephlied.com". I have seen this guy before. I usually give no never mind to him. He neither angers me, nor speaks of something I agree with. He's just a man who has formed a different belief, and feels he needs to spread the truth, as he knows it. But I know my truth, I am firm in my relationship with my Heavenly Father, and I trust where he leads me. This man simply has another perspective, and I don't need to fear it. I was just planning on carrying on my way. But I then watched my Mom. She paused for a moment and simply asked the man, "How are you doing today?"

When I went to the Payson Temple tour I watched members hand this man bottles of water as they walked by. I was deeply touched by this, just as I was touched by the reaction my Mom chose to have. They both reminded me that differing beliefs don't have to be feared or ignored. And showing them kindness and understanding does not mean you have betrayed your God. This reminder is something I continue to strive to include in my life, and I am thankful for these examples that help to remind me of the many ways I can do so.

I was thinking the last few days about how much I have changed over my life. How much I have learned, and how many different perspectives I have come to incorporate. I thought I'd just jot down some of these things here to try and better keep track of them, and better explain them to myself. Hopefully I can keep it simple.

The beginning of a long list of crazy thoughts, and philosophies from the brain of Tricia

-Online dating taught me how meaningless being told you're beautiful can be. Men would just be so taken with my pretty face, and red hair, that they would jump all in. When they got to know me, however, they usually walked away. Being told you're beautiful is nice, but being told you're beautiful for everything you are is where the true compliment lies. When a man told me it right away it meant nothing to me. And all I could think was, "I am more than just red hair! Do you really think you can handle all I am?"

-On that same note, I can handle a man simply finding me attractive, and understand that that doesn't mean they are looking for a relationship, or that they like my personality. But it feels weird when a guy does get to know me, but still seems to have blinders on. When this happens I tend to think to myself, "I realize I have a decent figure, and my butt does look pretty good in these pants-- why thank you, I have been working out-- but underneath all these clothes is the body of a woman who carried four babies, two of them at the same time. I'm no swimsuit model. Not to mention I'm kind of weird. Are you sure you can handle it?" I had a guy completely obsessed with the fact that I like superheroes and Star Wars, and he kept trying to plan a hook up because of it-- any guys that may read this, if you're thinking it's you, it's not you. Its just a weird feeling when someone tries to make you into their special someone. There are plenty of fish in the sea. No one should try and convince themselves they care for someone out of fear that they may not find anyone else. Even if we don't find anyone, it's better than trying to convince ourselves we could be happy with whoever happens to be around. Trust me! I have learned from experience.

-I'm quite weird. No really, I am. I dance as a form of meditation and to fix the bad energy in my home. I burn sage and use Mediterranean Sea Salt to cleanse my house of negative energy. I am an emotional sponge and I can get very overwhelmed because of it. I am not great at socializing. In fact I'm so terrible at it that it can be a real challenge for me to convince myself to get out. I have weird thoughts, philosophies and theories. And if you really got to know all of me, you would agree, I'm just weird.

Me and my gorgeous friend catching a cheap flick. We looked much hotter in reality

-I work out to instrumental, and classical music. In fact music plays a huge role in my emotional well being. It's hard for me to waste one second of the beautiful gift of hearing on anything but amazingly fantastic music. I want all my music listening experiences to be filled to the max with the best music I can possibly find.

-I like my body. I really do. I mean, I'm not going to lie. When I see a girl who is built differently, naturally thin and slender, with a different frame than mine, I feel like a mammoth. But then I reach down and feel the strength in my calf muscles. I look at my biceps, that are getting a little more shape. And I remember what my body is. I'm not built slender and small. There's nothing I can do about that. My body is what it is. And to me it is strong.

-Challenge Accepted! Actually not really. I've come to realize that someone having a different viewpoint than mine, is not them challenging my beliefs. People come to different conclusions and different philosophies because of their different experiences. And if you take a minute to learn about those experiences, you'll understand their reasons better. It doesn't mean I have to argue, and say they're wrong, to prove I'm right. It doesn't mean I need to get defensive. It just means I need to sit back and listen, and enjoy having the opportunity to, step outside my box, and learn about a different perspective. If I feel like my beliefs are being challenged, than I need to go home, meditate and pray, and find my answers again.

-God goes with me everywhere and he's a part of every conversation. I don't think God would be afraid to go with me anywhere. He's seen it all and heard it all. I don't need to check God at the door just because I want to laugh at a dirty joke with the guys in the shop. To me, every thing relates to God, and I talk to him about every thing I enjoy and like to do.

-It can be so easy to objectify people. And I have worked really hard to try and make sure that I don't. It's hard, and I mess up a lot. But it's really important to me to remember to see the person behind every weird comment, rude gesture or odd traffic violation.

-I want to do my best to respect everyone, even if they are not respecting me. It's a challenge for sure, but I want to make sure I am respectful of everyone's thoughts, feelings and beliefs. It can be hard because I think we all feel our own feelings matter more. But I constantly remind myself that this is how I want to be.

-I think there is a difference between gossiping and discussing and relating. I just do.

-Sometimes I want to try and keep someone from having to endure the hardships I have had to endure. But then I realize I should not rob them of their experiences. It's my job to put my story out there. What people learn from it, and when, is not up to me.

-Relationships are hard. Just when I think I have things pretty figured out I am sent another challenge. At times I think there is really no reason to fight over anything, but then I a situation arises, and I struggle to find a way to handle things gracefully. I am still trying to figure out how to simply have relationships with friends and acquaintances. I am not certain if I am up for the challenge of another romance anytime soon.

-I gave a friend a book to read, with a warning that it could be triggering. She simply said she would be fine, and if it triggered something it simply gave her the opportunity to work on herself. A trigger lets us know of a part of ourselves that needs healing. Having a trigger allows us to realize this so we can heal it. What a wonderful perspective. I have tried to remember this.

-When I let someone make me mad, sad, angry, unhappy I give them power over me to do so. When I realize I can take back that power I find a new source of strength and power. Taking control of myself and my own emotions is the hardest, most stressful, most liberating and powerful thing I have learned to do.

-I don't feel I can judge anyone past, present or future. I don't believe I could ever fully understand anyone and why they made the choices they made. Nor do I believe that I am immune from being tempted to make similar choices if I were in their shoes.

-If I find myself asking "How could they do that?" or "Why would they choose that and not this?" I am usually moments away from learning a very humbling lesson of just exactly how and why.

-When people make the choice to do horrible things it is usually through a long line of justifications that make total and complete sense to them. To them they aren't choosing to do something wrong. In their minds they are doing right. And crossing that line of good and evil, right and wrong, could be easier than I believe it to be.

-I need to love myself fully, and enjoy every inch of my personality.

-I will not shame myself. Denying certain parts of who I am because I perceived them to be a sin only led me to being unhappy and bitter. Instead of shaming myself I just needed to learn how to live with those parts of myself in a healthy way. Embracing them, and finding out what those parts of me needed to feel to be fulfilled has led to great happiness.

-I believe the greatest way to make the world a better place is to take care for those in your circle. I can't take care of everyone. I can't end world hunger. But I can take my neighbor cookies when they are having a bad day. And I need to let that be enough.

-I am only as limited as I allow myself to be.

-Men and Woman are different, and play by different rules. Assuming one should be like the other is a mistake. Shaming one for not being like the other is a mistake. And assuming one plays by the same rules as the other is a mistake. I have simply learned to respect the other for what they are.


-I am not the teacher, God is. I could never fully comprehend all that a person is, what their mission in this life is and what lessons they need to learn. Some people may be teachers, but not me. My job is to love and to learn from others. Sometimes I forget this and I get angry with how someone has treated me, or I get upset about something that they said. I convince myself I'm just going to tell them how I feel, and that they need to learn this perspective, or take this into account. No, it never turns out good. I'll leave what someone else needs to learn up to God, and I will just continue to learn what I need to learn for myself.

-It is not up to me to determine what another person should be doing. One of the greatest analogies I ever heard was this: Imagine that whole human race is a body, with Christ as the head. Only the head knows what everyone should be doing. It is not up to the hand to tell the foot that what it is doing is wrong. Only the head knows. That really opened my eyes. I used to think people had to be taking a certain path in order to be doing the "right" thing. But now I realize that the right path can go off in many different directions.

-I am grateful I read Thomas Payne's theories on religion. It was extremely frustrating, but it helped me take a step back and really look at my beliefs through different eyes. It helped me see that what I believe is no more real than what another believes. I firmly believe the things that I believe, and I believe that they are true. But that doesn't mean everyone else's beliefs have to be false. We could all be wrong. We could all be right. We could all have some truths, and we could all have some lies. If I hear something that is different from what I believe I simply just take it into consideration, ponder it and pray about it. I don't have to simply dismiss it. In fact I usually find opening up to different ideas, opens up new doors and helps you explore even more of God's world.

Life is full of lessons. I have learned a great many more than this. But I should probably stop there. I have come so very far from the person that I once was. And yet the person I once was was key to helping me get to where I am. To those who actually read this, thanks! It was good for me to get all these thoughts written down. It helps me to see the world better, and hopefully be a better person.

Happy Valentine's Day

It seems kind of crazy. I am here facing Valentine's Day without a special someone on my arm. A thought that used to depress me. A thought that used to lead to me facing this day with bitterness and cookie dough. But this year I feel none of that-- though I did still enjoy some cookie dough ;)

It seems a little funny to be writing this now, after the morning I have had. I spent the day trying to convince myself to get out of bed, and get on with it. But every attempt to do so led to conflicts and confrontations with my children. Me, feeling more under the weather than I had realized, did not handle this well. After my second attempt to try and pull things together, I threw in the towel and called my mom for help.

However even with this bumpy morning I still felt like I should write this post.

I actually find myself happy with where I am, and who I am, right now. I'm quite content with my life. I'm enjoying going out with friends, laughing at inappropriate jokes and watching movies I probably never would have seen on my own. I'm also enjoying my nights at home, working on my book, trying to fit in exercise and putting order back into our lives-- as best as I can at least.

There are times I am in wanting. There are times I wish I had this or that. But for the most part I just feel happy and content. I feel God's love for me, and feel him helping me fill in any emotional gaps that may exist in my life.

I actually am enjoying being on my own. I'm enjoying learning how to be alone. It gives me a chance to learn about myself, to straighten things out and to further figure things out. I think I actually have quite a few things to learn before I embark on romantic relationships again. So I'm happy for the opportunity to do so. I wish I had learned how to enjoy being single before I got married, but I am glad for the circumstances that have brought me to where I am. I think without them I wouldn't have been able to have found this place of peace, as I have now.

This Valentine's Day was indeed different. I wish I could have taken more joy in my kids this morning, instead of being sick and tired. But, even so, I was delighted to find I wasn't jealous or depressed as I watched other's celebrate with their special someone's. I was glad to find I didn't spend this weekend wallowing in self pity, thinking the only way to end the sadness is for my secret admirer to show up with a flower on my doorstep. I didn't get lost in a fantasy. I was just happy to be celebrating Valentine's Day, here and now, just as I am.

So that is my Valentine's Day post. I had a wonderful weekend watching the "Deadpool" movie with friends, getting a mani-pedi with my parents and even getting a new swimsuit. It was quite wonderful, not depressing in the least. I think I have enjoyed this Valentine's Day more than many other's in the past, including some of those where I did have a special someone in my life.

You Are My Miracle

I remember when I was 20 something. I would sit up in my bed, look out my window, play this song, sing along and hope that one day I would be led to the love of my life. Don't ask me why I chose this song. Don't ask me why I sang it while staring out my window. These silly little questions have no real, logical answer. All I knew is I felt my Heavenly Father would bring that special someone into my life, and I was supposed to just be patient, and focus on me and my own life while I waited.



I sit here now, a 30 year old, single once again and focusing on my Heavenly Father's guidance, and doing my best to follow. This time I don't want to let doubts in. This time I don't want to question my little quirks, and my intuition. I know what Heavenly Father has asked of me. I have asked and asked and asked again. I have begged him to just let me do this, or just let me do that. And when I do those things I get burned, my life goes to chaos and I have to get up and put the pieces back together again.



Logic can't explain it. It doesn't make sense. But I've betrayed my quirky, intuitive, spiritual, hopeless romantic side before. I tried to force myself to use logic in my relationship choices. And it just didn't work. And it just doesn't work now.



I know how crazy I sound, but when I try to walk down the path, that other's say is "less" crazy, my life starts to fall apart, depression seeps in and I start to become an atom bomb exploding in all relationships around me-- friends, family, etc.



Then I have to pull myself back to my Heavenly Father, ragged and worn out. I have to hope I'll finally reach a breaking point where I can just bawl my eyes out, and let my tears slowly carry out the depressant that has built up in my body. And I have to ask once again what he would have me do.



Wait. That's what he says. He simply says wait. Wait for what? I don't know. But I rebuild my spiritual connections. I focus on the things Heavenly Father has told me to focus on. I get rid of connections I thought would bring me happiness, but really just bring in more agitation. And I listen to my Heavenly Father, and ask his forgiveness for doubting once again.



So, no, it doesn't make sense. I know. I can't explain it. People have told me my whole life I am wrong. But time and time again this is where I am brought back to. I have to be true to myself. I have to do the things that lead to my happiness. Even if other's insist that's not where happiness lies.



I guess in someways that's the "miracle" I sang about, out my window, every night. The path I choose doesn't seem like it will bring order and stability to my life, but it really does.

I Can Not Find My Way

I'm listening to my Christmas music tonight, yes I'm listening to Christmas music already, and a thought occurs to me.



It's occurred to me before. This time of year comes around and I just ponder how much I love it. I think I have posted about this before. In fact I'm almost certain I have. Yup I have. In fact its right here. But maybe I can make this post a little different.


I love a lot of things about winter. I love the cold. I love the early nights. I love the snow. I love the glow that come from everything being covered in white. I know I'm crazy! I need this time of year. I need the winter. I need this season. I appreciate every season, and every time of the year. They all give me something different, and they all allow me to focus on different things. And I decided to  sit down and think about what this time of year really lets me focus on.



So as I jammed out to my music I began to ponder my thoughts. Christmas music stirs me with excitement and joy. It give me that wonderful, energetic, "something exciting is going to happen" feeling. That's the mark of a wonderful song for me, and a good majority of Christmas music is full of these things. Along with this excited feeling I also feel peace. I mean a majority of what I listen to is songs about Christ. And so I feel His peace surround me. I absolutely love it!



This made me realize why I must love listening to Christmas music so early on in the season. I think I like beginning the journey. I like playing the music, feeling the excitement, and pondering his peace. The story of Christ's birth is beautiful in many ways, but one of the ways it is beautiful to me is because it is so peaceful. So many in that story are in search of something, a sign, a blessing, a safe place to stay. And in this story they all find it, and for a moment they all relish in he peace that fills their heart. And we get to spend the season focusing on that. The fact that they found it. That they all found, and shared in peace, for a moment in time.



So I gladly put on my Christmas music, and enjoy starting my journey to finding that peace. The music excites me to begin my journey, and reminds me of the peace I seek. I get a whole season to find it. Why not start the journey as soon as I can?