Lets Kick 2014's Butt!

 Taken by Emily Pearl Photography

As I'm scrolling through my facebook, for about the 11th time that hour on New Years Eve, I see a lot of friends bidding farewell to 2013, and welcoming 2014 full of hope. It causes me to ask myself, "What are my feeling towards this new year?"

P.S. Enjoy a short photo montage of the year as you read. 

I have to say 2013 wasn't my worst year. The beginning was full of PTSD, and stress. I cracked numerous times under the pressure of trying to pass my EMT class, work, take care of kids, etc. And I even filed for divorce-- but ended up canceling it. But even so 2013 is not the worst year. I would sooner toss 2012 and 2011 out the window as I drive my car on this road of life. But still I'm not sad to say goodbye.

Watched this little guy go from a baby to a toddler in a snap-- I missed so much of his first year

 

  

Turned one in September

Do I look forward to the New Year? The New year has never been my favorite. I don't much care for January and February. I hate saying goodbye to Christmas. I really hate transitioning back to listening to non-Christmas music. And, most importantly, I don't like change. But I've learned to embrace the new year, and enjoy the time to make a fresh start and try to begin getting on top of things-- like my diet.

Got way too in the habit of taking selfies

But the more I think about it the more I find I really don't have any expectations or excitements for this new year. Sounds pretty depressing right? As much as I try to find a positive and excited out look the side of me that can't stand uttering a single word that feels even slightly dishonest won't allow it. But I don't find it depressing. It doesn't mean that 2014 is going to be a horrible year, or that my life is completely terrible and full of nothing to look forward to. It just means that I can't find a way to put my feelings into words in a way that feels honest.

Easter and Summer

Boys and injuries. Kids and getting sick.

There are some things I am excited for. I have some new savings ideas for our family. And some new projects for our food storage. I have lacked the energy to stick with plans to save money and pinch every penny for quite some time. But now I'm feeling ready to obsessively get our lives in order again.

 Watched my business take off like crazy thanks to all my amazing friends.

I'm hoping to help my kids learn to earn and save money as well. I want to teach them good habits.

 Got into natural healing and selling doTERRA

Learning to accept that even if I can't create a masterpiece what I can do is good enough

 Finally planted something in our "garden"

 Tried raising chickens until the city found out, oh and we only ended up with a rooster

 Saw my husband in uniform.

 Got a new dog that became a great friend to our little guy.

I'm very close to my associates degree. One more semester and a completion of my math courses, and I should have my associates, and the ability to apply for the paramedic program-- maybe even nursing school. That's crazy! I've never come this close to completing goals. But of course the sooner I'm done with school the sooner I have to start paying on student loans. YIKES!

Completed an EMT course even when I was certain I would fail. I should finally get my certification.

I'm excited to try and get back to my goal of reading one book a month.

School

And I'm halfway through writing a book. This may be the year I finally reali1ze my resolution of submitting a book to a publisher.

Took kids to the zoo for the first time ever!

So 2014 should be a pretty decent year. Though I still see little hope of really getting my life back to the place I want it to be. It will still be crazy with school, my business, bills, kids, etc. And I probably won't ever see the days again where I had schedules and routines, and where everything felt good and under control and not like a total mess.

Us in 2009. The last time I remember life making sense. Photo taken by Tilt Photography

I'm going to make an effort to try and get back there. I've been trying for a while. I've been hitting the reset button over and over again throughout the year of 2013. But for everything I do to try and get our lives back in order, everyone else seems to do 5 things to keep us off course. Oh well, we're just at a crazy stage in our lives. Even so, I feel ready to try a few new things with the new year.

Enjoyed fall including talk like a pirate day, Halloween and my Birthday

Oh and Surgery(not so enjoyable) and Thanksgiving.

I can still totally rock a fruit tray.

I can't really say I feel excited about any gallant leaps, or big changes, or finally coming to a good place in 2014. But I can't really say that feels as discouraging as it sounds. I don't have a super positive and chipper outlook on life. But I wouldn't say I dwell on the depressing things either-- well.  . .maybe just a little. I think I just find positivity in the moment and try to be happy with the things that make me happy no matter how hard life is.

Enjoyed several trips down south including to the cousin reunion and a visit right before Christmas. 

When I look at the future I'm certain of one thing, It will bring more hardship. Do I look forward to that? Not exactly. But I can look forward to the fact in knowing that I will probably find a way to laugh everyday and my kids will probably do and say things that make me smile. I will slowly see myself accomplish goals I never thought a person like me was made to accomplish. And that through all those hardships I will learn more and enjoy a moment of clarity. I really don't see it being possible to get to a point where I can say my life is good and exactly how I want it to be. But what I do see possible is laughing, singing and dancing everyday even if there are tears thrown in the mix as well.

Said goodbye to Grandma A

Perhaps my life would be better if I planned for a more positive out come in the distant future instead of just planning on taking positivity one day at a time. I'm working towards that future as best as I can, but I still feel very uncertain about what it will bring. I don't know if my education will pay off. I don't know if I have what it takes to take care of and raise my kids. I have to admit it kind of freaks me out to think of being responsible for these four for the rest of their lives. I don't know if I can do it. So I just always go back to taking it day by day.

Made some incredible friends

So I guess I will say, "Bring it on 2014! I'm ready to kick your butt!" OK actually, no, I won't say that. I'm really not ready for more to come my way. I'm certain a break down once a semester is still going to be the norm. But we'll laugh and smile and try not to yell and just Pinky Pie

My new life mentor, Pinky Pie

 

 (basically laugh and maybe throw parties) our way through this new year ;).

Enjoyed a Christmas unlike any we have ever had. 

Including a Polar Express ride.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

Saying Goodbye to Grandma

On November 9, 2013 we got a phone call from my mom. They hadn't heard from my Grandma A in a couple of days, and had gone to check on her. They found her passed away in her sitting room.

I wasn't sure what to think. It felt as though the loss should be affecting me more. We went to her house and waiting with my parents for the mortuary to come and take her body. Part of me wanted to go see her and say goodbye. But I didn't dare to to ask. They said the condition of her face would not be good, and we wouldn't want to see it. I almost wished I knew what to expect, so I could decide if seeing her face was something I could handle. For some reason I had a hard time remembering what she looked like. I have pictures from here and there, but non taken within the last couple of months.

While waiting at the house my 1 year old all the sudden started erupting in happy "Goodbyes". I wonder if he was saying goodbye to grandma. Was she there? Could he see her? I tried to see if I could feel her presence there, but I still didn't know what to feel at that point.

Later that night I thought of her and my grandpa together again I began to sing, as I often do when I'm alone, away from judging ears. I imagined my grandpa telling my grandma, "This is my favorite part about coming to the other side. I finally get to hear my granddaughter sing." Perhaps I'm to vain and think to highly of myself. But I wished so badly I could have shared this talent more. And I think my grandparents would've loved it if I could have sang for them. I have often hated that the family's infamous stage fright has held me back from performing in public. I so badly long to sing, and share all the emotions inside me through music. *Sigh* I guess I'll have to settle for writing them on this blog until one day when, perhaps, my stage fright can be healed.
 
Because of her condition we couldn't have an open casket either. That was harder than I thought it would be.

Her viewing was on Friday evening, November 15 and the funeral was on November 16. I helped my dad put the program together. My cousin, Kaitlyn, and I gave the life sketch-- we are her only Granddaughters. It was much harder than I thought.

Of course, the most amazing thing about funerals is the reunion you get with all your dear family and friends. I have to say, I have one handsome, and beautiful family.

Except for me. Blah! I look terrible here ;)

I know my Grandma and I share some similarities in our hardships. And this was always a good reminder for me to look at her differently than perhaps I always had. Goodbye Grandma. Thanks for all you taught me and the love you shared. The love you had for me and my boys blessed me in so many ways. We'll miss you always.

Who Knows, Maybe I Won't Even Post it

Sometimes I wonder if I got it wrong. If I'm telling the wrong story. Perhaps I'm that evil wife they portray on TV or in the movies. The one who doesn't appreciate their spouse. The one who doesn't show them the love they deserve, and criticizes everything they do. Who is cold and distant, unresponsive to all their vies for affection. Self absorbed and uncaring.

Sometimes I wonder if it was me. If it was something I did. . .that caused. . .the affair.

They call them victims. The one's who were cheated on. Victim's of an affair. How could I not see it? How could I not know, how deeply this thing could affect someone? How thoroughly it punctured through every layer of your self esteem and soul? How it planted an ugly seed deep inside you and would never let go? Instead it would stick around and whisper in your ear daily: "You were never good enough" "You never cared enough" "You aren't even worth loving by the one man who said he would love you forever" "Now you see how all those other guys you dated, or liked, were right to turn tail and run".

Sometimes leaving this life felt like an option worth considering. There is just nothing that can end that kind of pain. I cried everyday. I never wanted to get out of bed. Had it not been for my kids I may not have survived. But I woke up everyday and fought for a reason to live. I struggled to love the ghost that was once me. Photos brought bitter memories. Everything in our life was tainted now. I took my wedding ring off the day I found out. I never put it back on. In fact I sold it. But slowly we make new memories, and slowly those tainted things start to become clean again.     

Two weeks after I found the texts, two weeks after I found out he had been unfaithful, I found out I was pregnant. What was I to do with this baby? How could I have a baby with a man I didn't trust? How could I be that vulnerable with him? But how could I do it alone? I have often found that I end up being pregnant during the most stressful times of my life, and somehow my body never transfers that stress to the baby. I know I should be thankful for that, and I am thankful, but it can also make things hard in its own way. I wasn't ready to have a baby. My mind could cope with IV's and spinal blocks. It all became a trauma of its own. But I had to do it. And as hard as it was I'm grateful. Grateful that all I had endure was a couple hours. I know c-sections aren't ideal, but I was grateful to have it this time around. Hours of labor, hours of being that vulnerable, would've killed me.

The trauma that is caused when a spouse is unfaithful is real, and very damaging. The day is embedded in my memory forever. I was hyperventilating. I couldn't speak. I just cried. When others would recount an experience there family member had with infidelity, unknowing that I had this experience as well, it would take all my strength to just keep walking, to just keep moving and to not just curl up in a ball, in the corner and cry. And just when you think the trauma is through PTSD shows it's face, and it can be even more debilitating than the first round.

The memories still haunt me. Every time I see his phone, or hear that he got a text. Every time I get on the computer and he has left his email account open. What will I find? What will it do to me when I find it?

You're told not to talk about it. It's your marriage and you need to keep it to yourself. You need to protect your family and your spouse. Other people cannot be trusted with the information. Well, it's true. Some people can't be trusted. Sometimes you'll regret opening your mouth. But other times you find a release and understanding that is so healing. Some choose not to share, and that is fine. But I need to share. The weight was too much. And I'm glad I shared because I think people need to know. I think people need to be more aware of what an affair does to someone, and that it could happen to anyone. These things can destroy someone's life forever. They put through a battle to reclaim their self worth that they may never win. I'm still fighting, daily.

Some people ask how do you take them back? How do you repair the trust? In some ways I haven't. I have instead put my trust in me and in God. It took so long before I was willing to even do that. I was so angry with God. I didn't want to be, but I was. Sometimes it's hard to forget and let go. How can I just let something go that impacted me so deeply? Something that I fought so hard to come back from? You can't just let something like that go. It has to mean something. Fighting that hard can't be all for not. But yet I need to forgive so I won't become bitter. Finding the balance is a struggle. What do I care about? What do I let go? I know I need to get to a place where his actions can just wash over me and not affect me, but that is a mountain I will be fighting to stay on top of my whole life.

Why now? Why here? I don't know why. Maybe I just want the attention, sympathy and praise that comes from stories like these. Perhaps there is a part of me seeking such things. But the part of me that really wants to put this out there is the part that just wants people to know the reality of infidelity and how it will affects people. I know some people don't agree with sharing things like this, and I respect that. I understand why, and I have taken it into consideration. I also wouldn't recommend that everyone share their story in this way. This is the route I feel is best for me when it comes to healing and moving on, but that doesn't mean it's for everyone. I have put many thoughts, and prayers into this, and I really feel it is what is right for me. I think some people are meant to be open and I think they are made that way for a reason. Who knows, maybe I won't even post this. We'll see.

Are You a Pinky Pie?

So I have been a big "My Little Pony" fan my whole life. I have my entire collection of ponies saved from childhood. I played with my ponies all the time. I even wanted to grow to be a "My Little Pony"-- those closest to me have heard that story way too many times by now.

Recently we have started watching the new TV show with our kids. I should note we have all boys, but yet they love "My Little Pony". I was so excited to finally pull out the toys from my childhood for them to play with . I even bought them a Rainbow Dash which they sleep with every night. And me and my husband have been getting sucked into the series as well. In fact, sometimes I want to watch it even when my kids are asleep. I know, I'm super crazy.

I have since picked out a favorite pony and that is Pinky Pie. Soon after dubbing her my favorite pony. I noticed that I tend to always pick the cooky, little, crazy, fun loving, hyper active character as my favorite. This got me thinking, "Am I a Pinky Pie?"

My first reaction is no. I tend to be a highly depressed individual. I live very much in reality. I have protested my whole life that I will find a way to have my happy ending, but my dreams have been beaten down, and they are slowly fading away.

But as I look back on my life and see all the times that someone, or something, has attempted to beat-- not literally-- the happy, hyper, crazy out of me, or that my trusting, and forgiving nature has been taken advantage of, I have managed to hang on to a part of me that laughs and smiles and knows that reality totally bites but I can still giggle and throw parties.

I do live in reality. I'm very much aware of reality. Even though I seem to live in a fantasy, or think, or dream, things that are probably unattainable, I keep my feet firmly planted in the real world. I don't know if I can explain it. I have very much been affected by many hardships that are real and hard, and that have attempted to destroy my belief that there is happiness out there. But the happy side of me isn't rooted in what happens in my reality. It's rooted in me. My mood can swing terribly based on my surroundings and experiences. I have definitely let things get me down. And you certainly won't find me nearly as crazy and excited when my life is hitting a low. But even with all I've gone through I have still managed to find a way to laugh, smile and find joy. And it isn't by ignoring reality it's by laughing, and singing, and smiling in its face. :)

I may, at times, seem crazy optimistic and like I don't understand the darker side of things. I really honestly do. And I may, at times, seem like a big depressed doubter who has given up on life too. But I do know that there is still joy to be found. I just need my joy to be real. My happiness can't be rooted in some optimistic form of rose colored glasses. My happiness needs to be rooted in life, friends, family and knowing that I can laugh and smile even through the worst trials of my life.

Maybe being a Pinky Pie isn't about being this total crazy, happy person because your world is full of perfection. Maybe it's about being totally crazy and happy even when your world is falling a part-- you know, since Ponyville is full of all sorts of major disasters and hardships. Pretty deep for "My Little Ponies" I know.

I don't know if I'm a Pinky Pie or not. It would be nice to think of myself as that happy and optimistic. She really is my favorite! And I love my little Beanie Baby that my husband bought for me. It's so cute! I just think it's funny that I am drawn to these characters and all their craziness. Maybe it's something I aspire to be. I don't know. But I think I've managed to keep my happiness about me pretty well considering the things that have happened to me :). 

Girls Night Out MoTab Style

Back in July I had the privilege to join in on one of the most epic girls nights out ever. I am continually amazed that such an awesome group of women let me tag along for some of their adventures.

On this night we went to P.F Changs for dinner. WE went to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's Pioneer Day concert

After that we headed out to find desert. We ended up at the Cheesecake Factory in Murray, I was dubbed the governor's wife and the evening ended with some car ride chatter.




I seriously had a blast with these wonderful women! Thanks for the amazing night!