Saying Goodbye to Grandma

On November 9, 2013 we got a phone call from my mom. They hadn't heard from my Grandma A in a couple of days, and had gone to check on her. They found her passed away in her sitting room.

I wasn't sure what to think. It felt as though the loss should be affecting me more. We went to her house and waiting with my parents for the mortuary to come and take her body. Part of me wanted to go see her and say goodbye. But I didn't dare to to ask. They said the condition of her face would not be good, and we wouldn't want to see it. I almost wished I knew what to expect, so I could decide if seeing her face was something I could handle. For some reason I had a hard time remembering what she looked like. I have pictures from here and there, but non taken within the last couple of months.

While waiting at the house my 1 year old all the sudden started erupting in happy "Goodbyes". I wonder if he was saying goodbye to grandma. Was she there? Could he see her? I tried to see if I could feel her presence there, but I still didn't know what to feel at that point.

Later that night I thought of her and my grandpa together again I began to sing, as I often do when I'm alone, away from judging ears. I imagined my grandpa telling my grandma, "This is my favorite part about coming to the other side. I finally get to hear my granddaughter sing." Perhaps I'm to vain and think to highly of myself. But I wished so badly I could have shared this talent more. And I think my grandparents would've loved it if I could have sang for them. I have often hated that the family's infamous stage fright has held me back from performing in public. I so badly long to sing, and share all the emotions inside me through music. *Sigh* I guess I'll have to settle for writing them on this blog until one day when, perhaps, my stage fright can be healed.
 
Because of her condition we couldn't have an open casket either. That was harder than I thought it would be.

Her viewing was on Friday evening, November 15 and the funeral was on November 16. I helped my dad put the program together. My cousin, Kaitlyn, and I gave the life sketch-- we are her only Granddaughters. It was much harder than I thought.

Of course, the most amazing thing about funerals is the reunion you get with all your dear family and friends. I have to say, I have one handsome, and beautiful family.

Except for me. Blah! I look terrible here ;)

I know my Grandma and I share some similarities in our hardships. And this was always a good reminder for me to look at her differently than perhaps I always had. Goodbye Grandma. Thanks for all you taught me and the love you shared. The love you had for me and my boys blessed me in so many ways. We'll miss you always.