Grasping At Straws

This post isn't meant to be offensive, nor is it saying I lost my faith or anything like that. It's just a realization I had last night while participating in a popular LDS tradition: seeing the lights at Temple Square.

I have to admit I have had a harder time adjusting to Christmas being over this year. Its been a long time since I have enjoyed the Christmas Season this much. All growing up I felt the same way. I adored the Christmas Season and when it was over I would feel sad having to say goodbye. Sometimes I would even cry. I eventually accept the new year and get excited about new adventures, but it can be adjustment. Anyway. . .that might be something that has contributed to the recent feelings I have had.

I have also been feeling odd lately. Most times I feel excited and happy and I can't wait for what life may bring me. But lately nothing has seemed to spark that in me. I am very content with my life. I was able to get a really good job thanks to a family friend-- I totally owe him because I don't think I could have done it without him. I feel secure in the fact that I can now take care of my kids. And I have so many friends and family that have blessed me in so many ways. I am happy with life. It's just when I think about getting remarried, or things that the future may bring I just feel kind of. . .Meh! Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. I just don't know if I feel excited about possible new relationships or meeting someone new. Right now it's just like, whatever. It's not all that bad. It's just different from how I normally feel, Normally those thoughts make me happy, but right now they make me feel neither happy or sad.  home there.

This sounds kind of depressing. Sorry. I'm not depressed or sad I promise. It's just one of those moments. . .you know? Where suddenly every thing feels sentimental and wonderful, but you worry that you'll never be able to hang on to it. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway. . .all these feelings might have contributed to what I realized last night. And I might have been a little disappointed that only one of my kids wanted to join me on a trip up to Salt Lake.

But on with the real reason for this post. Me and my 4 year old headed up to Salt Lake to look at the lights at on Temple Square. I used to go up to Salt Lake all the time. I would go by myself or on dates. The city never bothered me. In fact I felt at home there. But this time I was nervous. I'm not a fan of the stop we got off of for front runner. The trax lines have gone through changes that I am still not used to, and we had a heck of time trying to figure out which train would take us downtown-- me and the other passengers that is. I just felt a little weird being up there by myself I guess. Well we got to downtown, and the little guy was starving. So we went to get food first. This meant heading to City Creek. I am not a fan of that place either. Maybe if it had been built before I had kids, But I find it to be kind of inconvenient with kids, and I just don't know if I enjoy all there is to see there. Most the stores are way too expensive for me. I never really enjoy the walking through there because of the crowds, and well. . .complain. . .complain. . .complain. I need to try and have a better attitude about it I guess. We went to the food court, got some food, had a heck of a time finding a seat, and then we headed back to see the lights.

The lights were pretty, as usual. Though I feel like they are doing less and less each year.

We went up to the top of the Joseph Smith building and we squeezed in for a view. I looked at beautiful temple. I have always been in awe of it's beauty and detail. How did the pioneers build this? To me it's such an architectural marvel. Perhaps I am simple minded. I don't know. But seriously I look at it and just feel that it is pure genius. I have never gone through this temple myself. I never felt like I wanted to get married there even though it's beauty is beyond compare. But still I have always felt that this temple stood out among all the other temples.

It has always been special to me. The whole Salt Lake experience has always felt special. But this time it felt a little different. I looked at the Salt Lake temple and wondered if it really was something I cherished, or perhaps the me that thought she cherished it was borrowing feelings that she herself didn't really feel. I felt off. I searched every part of me that had always enjoyed trips to Salt Lake. Was this still a part of me? Did it still hold a special meaning? Suddenly all those memories felt superficial and fake.

Had it not been real? Had I just been grasping at straws my whole life?

The girl I was before isn't who I am now. She will always be a part of me, but I have changed a lot. I have realized that I needed something more, something deeper than the beliefs I had been raised to have. I had to find a new path to God. I had to figure it all out all over again. Back in 2011 I sat down and thought how angry I was with God. I had tried to do what was right. I had tried to live a good life, but I kept getting thrown challenges and trials and I was tired of trying to learn the lessons I needed to learn. Whatever those lessons were I was done. I looked at my life. Where do I go from here? Do I turn my back on God and the church? Does that make me feel happier? I looked at my life and what it might be like as an atheist who had no faith. I knew that wouldn't equal happiness for me. I knew I could never deny that God was real. So what do I do? I realized I would just have to keep trying, keep searching and keep hoping that one day I would find a way to fit God, and the church, back into my life.

And I have. I have had incredible spiritual experiences. I have developed a relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior unlike anything I could have ever dreamed was possible. It's been an incredible journey. And maybe now, those experiences I wanted to be real earlier on in my life just don't feel as real as the ones I have come to know.

I don't know if that makes sense. I do not deny the beauty of the Salt Lake temple, nor the wonderful sacrifice it took to build it. But now the meaning it holds for me will have to be relearned. I will have to find a new path that reawakens the sacredness this temple holds.

Before my testimony was real enough. But I fear a lot of it may have been grasping at straws. Now my testimony has had to stem from some place deeper, and now all those experiences I have known as a child need to stem from that place as well. Does that make sense?

I enjoyed my night with my little boy. Though I will admit I was always a little nervous about walking around Salt Lake by myself. We had fun seeing the lights and we actually went to The Grand America to see there window displays for the first time ever. I didn't have it in me to fight all the crowds to view the nativity though. But we still had a fun night.

Another thing that made this trip a little harder was that I just miss my family. I miss who we were. We always went places together. We liked to plan events to go to together. And now that has changed. It's too hard to get everyone to agree to the same plan. There are just too many young kids. And everyone is so worn out from the horrible stress that has filled our lives for the last several years. I guess that's life. My grandparents eventually stopped coming places with us. Of course the same would eventually be true for my family. But still I miss it. It ended too soon.

As I look to the future it's sometimes hard to accept. I've had to watch wonderful friends move away. I've had to watch my family make huge changes. I've had to realize relationships weren't going to be what I had hoped they would be. It's hard to accept change. That's one reason it's hard for me to say goodbye to the year and embrace a new one. But I know change will come and I just need to learn to deal with it.

I don't know what the future will bring for me and my little family. I hope one day I will find success in a career that I enjoy. I hope one day I may enjoy the start of a new relationship, and perhaps a new marriage-- who knows. Though I can't say I feel particularly enthused about that at this moment-- last week I was, so I'm certain that will change. But I hope we continue to make memories and just enjoy being a family and being together.

Jekyll and Hyde

I have spent many years trying to figure out the Jekyll and Hyde story. To be honest the original story I still find a little odd, but of course I am yet to pull out a non abridged version and read it the whole way through. When if first saw the musical the story began to make a lot more sense. The way the musical was written brought about a purpose for the story I could actually grasp. Now I don't know how well the vision of those that wrote the musical lines up with the vision of Robert Louis Stevenson, but the musical vision definitely grabbed my attention.

The musical focuses on Good Vs Evil. And not only that but what is good and what is evil. It also goes on to explain how all of us tend to be good and evil in some way. So what does make a good man? Is this man good even though at times he does these things that are wrong? Are we going to define this woman as bad because she is a prostitute, or are we going to see beyond that?

My boys Incredible Hulk costume fits this subject nicely. After all Hulk is kind of a Jekyll and Hyde story as well.

HULK SMASH!

I myself have managed to become the bad person in some peoples story. It shocks me because I honestly never intended to hurt or upset anyone, and yet still I manage to do so. It's hard to see how all my actions might affect somebody. It is then interesting to see what people choose to see in my actions, or inaction's. I have seen people make assumptions and then talk to me about them like they are facts. As I stood there dazed and confused at why these conversations, and relationships, where falling apart. I realized that half the problem is that we aren't seeking out truth and asking the other person questions. We are just assuming what each other is doing and then justifying our anger and hurt with that.


It really makes me look at how I view things and other people. I definitely have taken a step back and realized that I need to stop acting on my own assumptions. I need to remember what kind of things have been fabricated from my actions. I need to remember what stories are told and assumed from other people based on what they see me do. When I hear these stories, or see the results, I'm simply shocked! How they heck did that come about. But then I realize I do the same thing, and if I do make assumptions I need to tell people that its an assumption not a fact.

I think about this as I look back at my marriage, as I try to figure out what I need to do to make future relationships work better. Honestly relationships daze and confuse me, and I'm not really sure how to have a working relationship with anyone. But moving on. . .I have really tried to decide how you draw the line for what was acceptable and what was not. What was my fault and what was his? Where does my responsibility end? It would be so easy to just say he was a bad person and I had to leave. Sometimes I wished he was just a bad person. That would have made things easier in a way. But I know it's not true. I know he is a good person. And in turn I know that I wasn't always a good person. Mistakes were made on both ends.

This is something I both love and hate about myself. I am always analyzing always trying to see things from all sides. I am always trying to figure out what everyone's real intentions were, and not just what I assume their intentions were. And in the end it becomes a little hard to define who is good and who is bad, or who was right and who was wrong. In some ways I don't know if these definitions work well at all. We're all just human. What actions should define us? Does all the good simply fade because of one mistake. Is one mistake really big enough to make it so the rest doesn't matter at all? I've been judged like this, and it just seems wrong.

Honestly I have no answers on this subject. I just find it interesting and feel of many thought provoking ideas. My mind tends to spin off and look at a situation from all sides, and this does leave me insecure about my own actions sometimes. But even so I wouldn't change that. It makes some things difficult, but I also feel it has brought about a great deal of understanding.

I have made some poor decisions. I have hurt people,sometimes through anger and intent, though  I am trying really hard to stray from that. And sometimes I have hurt people without any intent of doing so at all. It's a whole bowl of craziness really. I'm always battling that bad side of myself, and sometimes it wins for minute. But it feels like such a betrayal to the real me, and the intentions I want to have. It's hard to figure out why that part of me exists at all. Maybe it's not about fighting this side of me, but understanding it. Those emotions are there for a reason, and I need to understand what that is if I am ever going to figure this out.

There is just a whole bunch of content in this subject. I don't think all of it can fit in my head at once. For now I am trying to push judgments and assumptions aside and remember that everyone's actions can come across one way or another, even mine.

It's Not Easy, It's Not Perfect but I Guess It's Time

I've been thinking about this post for a while. It's one I have felt I need to write over and over again. I have had the urge to just spit it out, but kept waiting till I felt it was more appropriate. I was hoping I could give more people this news in person. More people deserve to have received it in person than actually have. But it's just such a hard and awkward thing to bring up. It's like announcing you're pregnant. Only with this you know, most the time, the reaction isn't going to be great. OK so maybe it's exactly like announcing you're pregnant.

Well, here I am, pacing back and forth between the computer and the shower. Unsure of how to deliver this news, but feeling that it is time. I tried to ignore the promptings, but they keep urging me back to the computer desk. So here goes.

Yesterday was the 7th. This means that in a month from yesterday my divorce will be final. That is if everything goes well. My ex-husband, or soon to be, moved out a couple of weeks ago. The whole thing feels weird and strange, but I have spent a year very prayerfully considering these things and I have felt that this is the best thing for the family. It's scary, it's weird and I'm not all too certain what I'm going to do, but I also feel this sense of peace. I know my Heavenly Father is there for me. I heard him tell me it was time. I argued with him that it couldn't be. And then I realized it was time, and that everything would be alright. I didn't think I had learned what I needed to learn, but I have come a long way since the last time we filed for divorce-- we ended up staying together and trying to work it out that time. I realized I was way more emotionally prepared for this. I feel whole and complete and ready to take on this new challenge. It takes a lot of faith. It is so hard to be in this position, and yet so amazing!

Let me just tell you. Divorce is a crazy thing. I feel a sudden weight lifted from me, but when I tell others what is happening I suddenly feel like I am giving them a weight to carry. I wish I could help them see that this is better for me. That I feel so much happier. That my social anxieties are diminishing. That I feel like I can function and get my life back in order. That I feel in control again. I just feel so happy, and I know it's the right thing to do. I know it's not perfect. I know it will be hard. But my life took a turn for "not perfect" and "hard" a long time ago. This wasn't a choice between right and wrong. This was a choice between some rights and some wrongs, and some other rights and some other wrongs. I don't know if I can explain it. I'm just glad I have a Heavenly Father who can guide me and help me to make decisions like these.

Divorce is not easy. It is not an easy way out. It is not an easy decision to make, and it is not an easy thing to do, or be. In a lot of ways staying married could technically be called "easy". It has it's own version of easy: it's not messy, it's comfortable, you know what to expect. Divorce is scary. But even as scary as divorce is I would think about staying and I just knew I couldn't do that anymore. It just is not working. It's not an easy decision, and it's a process.

Once the decision is made there are so many times to second guess. There is messy paperwork to fill out. Filling out that paperwork feels horrible. Even though I was sure this is what I should do, it still felt horrible. Going through all the steps to legally separate our lives was depressing. I had to consider things I never thought I'd have to consider. It's just sad, and it's hard. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to think about it, but it's the only way, so I just got through it.

After you get that filled out you then take that paperwork to complete strangers to get it notarized. I can't help but feel the weight and shame that comes from carrying this document around. It feels like you have something dirty and unclean that people don't want to think about. I think this stems form a couple of things:

1. It's very personal and the notary public, who is also a stranger, knows this and wants to handle it with care.
2. They know it's terribly personal, and they don't know what to say. They have to be invited into this part of your life, and they can feel how hard that is
3. What exactly are you supposed to do or say to this stranger who has to bring you such personal documents? You're a professional but divorce is a huge, (once again) personal, thing. How do you deal with suddenly having to be a part of a strangers divorce? Heaven know if roles were reversed I would not have the slightest idea. 

Whatever it is that creates the feelings, that come from having to hand this document over to the notary, it is not an easy thing to do.

It's also not an easy thing to share. I'm no good at lying. I don't like covering up. When I say "my husband" I instantly correct myself and say "ex-husband" even though it's just a clerk at the grocery store. They don't need to know my current marital status. But it's weird to say. It's hard to say. The word carries weight. A weight you don't want to have to throw around. Suddenly you just become grouped in a statistic. I can't explain to the world the whole 3-4 year process I have gone through that has brought me here. I can't share every little thing that happened or feeling I had. Oh well. I just have to look inside me, and find that peace that I know this is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think or what group they put me in. Maybe I'm not good at marriage. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I care too little. Maybe it is just the situation and I will find I can make marriage work with someone else. Maybe I'll get married again and it will all be the same. Or maybe I'll just stay single. Either way I'm headed in a direction I know is right, even if I don't know the outcome right now.

I wish I could explain it better. I wish I could grab some "Tricia's life" glasses and rewind it to 2010 and just let people watch. I wish I could share my experiences, but every time I try I can't think of how to word it so that it remains simply my experiences and feelings, and doesn't become intertwined with my ex-husband. It just doesn't work. Even when I think I've accomplished it it still affects things. Oh well. Some know the whole story. Some know most of it. And some are probably totally shocked and know nothing at all. Either way just know this is something I have spent a long time praying about, thinking about and pondering about. I really feel this is the best step to take for my family. It's not easy, it's not perfect but it's the best I can do.

6 months of Reading. . .Plus 6 More. . .Plus 2 More

I wanted to update my reading list so I searched through my posts to find where the last update left off. I thought it would be around December 2013, but no. The last time I posted about reading was in May 2013. I'm really on top of this aren't I?

For those that don't know I have tried to keep a goal I set, back in January of 2012, to read a book every month. Keeping up with this goal is an accomplishment worth celebrating which is why I like to post about what I read here. Sadly I've let that goal slip. I've also let posting about it slip. So we'll try and piece together what we can.

July 2013-December 2013

Started The Majesty of God's Law By: W. Cleon Skousen

I really enjoy Skousen's books. His writing makes for a nice read and I feel there is so much truth in what he says. I always come our of reading one of his books feeling more intelligent and more enlightened. This book is a big read, and I made several attempts to keep my goal, but I faltered. I am still yet to finish this book. And I really didn't get that far into it either. But I will be attempting to finish it here soon.

I also started A Narrative of a Revolutionary Soldier By: Joseph Plumb Martin

I really am sad about the fact that I started this book so long ago. I guess those months were full of school work. In fact I have no doubt that they were. I'm pretty sure this was the time I was doing my Zoology class, which is pretty much just an anatomy class-- I really don't know what the difference is.

I also read The Luxe By: Anna Godbersen

This book was OK. I got irritated with the characters-- I really didn't care for any of them. But it kept my interest, was fun to read and I got through it in a week. It's not something you HAVE to read, but it's pretty fun.

January 2014-March 2014

This was full of school work as well. I may have tried to read a little from A Narrative of a Revolutionary Soldier along the way. But I didn't get much personal reading done, that's for sure.

March 2014-June 2014

This was the month I began Midwifery School. I really had to push to get a lot of reading done in a very small amount of time.

For Midwifery School I read:

• Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn (4th Edition): The Complete Guide By: Penny Simkin, April Bolding, Ann Keppler and Janelle Durham
• A very thorough and complete guide about. . .well. . .everything it says in the title. 
• Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care 
• This book was very eye opening. Some parts I didn't feel I fully shared the writers emotions, but even so I felt I learned a lot.
• The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers By Jack Newman and Teresa Pitman
• This book is chuck full of great info on breastfeeding. There were some parts I could have done without, but it was well researched and would be a great reference for the breastfeeding mom. 
• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth By: Ina May
• I really enjoyed this book. I think it is a great book that will give you support in whatever form of childbirth you choose to have. 
• HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method By Marie F. Mongan and Lorne R. Campbell 
• I really enjoyed this book too. The great thing about studying Midwifery and natural childbirth is that you learn things that will help you with your life as well. This is one of those things. 
• Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife By: Peggy Vincent
• I really liked this book. I felt like me and Peggy had so many similarities. In a lot of ways she felt so out of place as a midwife, and sometimes I feel that way too. Yet she was amazing and, hopefully, I can be that way someday too. This book would be enjoyable even if you're not studying Midwifery. 
• The Midwife By: Jennifer Worth
• This book was truly impressive. It was so amazingly raw and honest. It was so good and so heartbreaking. I would sob and sob through a chapter, and then I would sob some more as I realized everything in this book was a true, real life experience. I want to highly recommend it, but I also don't want to be responsible for the heart wrenching experience you may have while reading it. Just know this book comes with a warning. It is also a good read even if Midwifery is not your subject of study.
• I also skimmed through some herbal books, and some Midwifery textbooks. And I started some other books about Midwifery, but didn't make it too far.

July 2014-August 2014

My life got very crazy around here. It took me a while to get settled back into things. When I finally got comfortable with the idea that I could spend the time on personal reading, without feeling guilty about neglecting schoolwork, I managed to make some progress. This means I finally finished A Narrative of a Revolutionary Soldier. 

This book took some patience to get through, older books tend to be like that. But I was so glad I read it. It was truly heartbreaking to read a first hand account about all that those soldiers went through. And then to read about how they were treated after the war was so heartbreaking too. Hearing his story showed me how much someone can endure and how important one man's life can be. His life was spared on so many occasions. I felt like he was truly blessed. It also made me realize what a miracle it was that we won that war. The army had so little support, and it seemed so unorganized and crazy at times. Not to mention how little those soldiers had as far as clothing, food, shelter, etc. It's simply amazing, and I am so appreciative of all that they suffered. I really recommend this book. 

I was so excited to have finished this book! It inspired me to get back on track with my reading once again. Yay! 

I also read Charlie's Monument by: Blaine M. Yorgason

Someone gave my mom this book when she lost her baby. She told me even though it didn't directly relate to her situation she found it to be very touching and comforting. It's a very quick read. It took me about a day. It was very simple, but it was very touching. There were so many parts of the book that inspired me. And the author's story about writing it is simply amazing. I would recommend reading this book. It won't take long and it is a very touching story. 

So that catches up my reading lists. I am now setting new goals, and creating a schedule that will hopefully give me time each day for school reading and personal reading. My hope is to read books every two weeks now. Of course, there will be books that I'll need more time to get through, but I'm hoping to keep that goal for the most part. Wish me luck! And happy reading to you all! :)

Doing God's Work

Here I am on a Sunday afternoon, stealing a sweet moment with my kids while working on handouts for a birth class. I find myself enjoying these moments with a lot less guilt lately, and that makes me happy. I hope I'm not shirking my responsibilities too badly, but I'm still just glad I can enjoy a moment.

I'm also trying to enjoy this moment to sit down and blog for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't spend so much time recording my experiences and thoughts on a blog. But than I think that in reality I'm recording my personal history, and the history of my family. That's not a bad thing right? Besides most the time when I blog it's because I feel very prompted to right down the thought or feeling I have. Granted sometimes I can be off on that prompting. But I do take it very seriously. Sometimes I sit on it for a few days and see if the direction to write is still there. And I also try to clear my thoughts before I finalize it with words to be sure I'm communicating the lesson I learned as best as I can.

A thought has popped into my head recently. I've watched my Heavenly Father bring several people into my life. I know he's been preparing me for things like this. Some of them were a bit of a shock, mostly because of the timing. Some I pretty much expected. Either way I'm amazed to see Him at work.

As I pondered some of these things I began to get frustrated. I was unclear as to what was supposed to be happening. I was stressed with the situation and where it was at. I was upset with myself that I could be more patient with my life. I started to wish this situation had never been brought about.

Then I thought back to an experience. Perhaps you remember me telling you about the friend I met at the birth retreat. I dropped her off in American Fork. While we were driving she was telling me how prompted she felt to ask me for a ride. She had mentioned this a couple times, but this time it struck me. I then thought, "Then that means I am doing The Lords work." I was already happy to help her out, but when I thought of that I felt an even greater comfort. He had chosen me for a task. I had almost not answered to his call, but then I did. And I was so grateful for having made that choice.

I took that lesson and applied it to the here and now. Heavenly Father has brought these people into my life. He has blessed me with so many wonderful friendships. And now instead of putting my agenda on the situation I need to stop and ask him what it is he wants of me. I know if I do that I will feel at peace no matter what happens. If I strive to bring about my will then I think I will always feel like I left something unfinished. But if I ask him what it is that he would have me do I know I will feel content no matter what the outcome may be.

I'm working hard at this everyday. Trying to figure out the things I need so I can learn and grow and create a better life for myself and my kids. I hope I can continue to listen to my Heavenly Father's promptings and do the things he wants me to do. It's not always easy, but when He asks I know it can be done

A Night Out With the Captain

Tonight I finally achieved a "mommy goal" of mine. I finally took my superhero loving boys to see "Captain America: Winter Soldier". I have to admit that I have been equally excited about keeping this date as my boys were. Why?

1. I get an excuse to enjoy a fun night out with the boys
2. I get to find some reason to make that fun night extra fun-- Captain America shirts and homemade hats.
3. I absolutely adore Captain America! It's a close tie between him and Superman. Why can't this man really exist?

I loved the movie. I mean it was a little crazy. The boys got a little antsy. I got some stares from fellow movie goers. And I did miss some scenes because of bathroom breaks, etc. But I really enjoyed it. My little conspiracy theory heart squealed a little at the plot line ;). And all around I loved it. I loved watching my boys get SO into it at the end. I loved watching one of them throw around lids like shields. All while wearing his totally awkward homemade hat. It was a good night.

But there was one thing I didn't expect: to have: a PTSD episode. It came out of no where. One little part of the movie. It lasted only a second. I saw it and felt the trigger. My brain tried to reason, "Come on Tricia, what you experienced wasn't on that level. You don't need to have PTSD over this." But slowly the trigger crept in. It almost felt like ice crawling up my arms and legs working it's way towards my heart. I had to get on top of it before it reached. I took deep breaths and whispered to myself, "Don't let it take over. This doesn't have to define you." It's been so long since I've had an episode. I haven't been in practice with staying on top. But I felt like I got it under control. And I felt like everything would be OK.

But the ride home proved me wrong. Hero movies usually amp up my "fight or flight" response. I walk out of the theater ready to take on the challenge. I'm ready to be a warrior. Come on, lets go kick some butt! Well this state of being, linked with a PTSD episode, left me a little fried. As I started to drive home I felt like I was fighting for my life. I was taking deep shaky breaths. I was on the verge of tears. I began to wonder if I needed to pull over and call someone. I tried to imagine stories in my head. I tried to imagine myself fighting. I tried to imagine someone who loved me enough to fight for me. But I know this isn't the answer. I need to love myself. I need to believe in myself. I then remembered what I needed to do. There is someone who loves me enough to help me fight. I prayed, held out my hand and turned it over to Christ. It was a great experience! It was a great reminder! Even when I don't want to give someone my burden, including him, I need to remember, that's how it's supposed to work. I felt so much warmth in my hand. I felt so strong and restored. I'm still a little shaken, but I'm going to be OK. This doesn't have to define me. It doesn't have to consume me.

As I watched the kids run all over the store, acting out their little superhero battles, there was a part of me that wanted to join them. I sometimes wish my demons were something I could just fight off physically. I know that's not easier, by far, but sometimes it feels that way. The emotional and mental battle is a war all it's own. And sometimes it's hard to not throw in the towel.

But I fought off my emotional demons. I managed to stay on top. And I managed to have a fun night out with my boys. The only true disappointment is that I don't have my own Captain America shirt ;). That's definitely one for the wish list.

Be Prepared

The last weekend in June I volunteered to participate in disaster simulations up at an Emergency Birth Retreat. I was prepared to spend a mostly sleepless night in a tent, but was shocked to find I would have my own room in a beautiful home. It was amazing. I wasn't needed right away when I first go there, so I just went to my room, and was left alone in silence with nothing to do but study and read. It was just what a needed.

I settled in to bed and drifted off to sleep. The next thing I know it's 2:00 AM and I'm being awoken by sirens and men yelling that it's time to get up. Not know how much time I had to prepare I grabbed my sweat shirt and flip flops and walked out the door. I of course forgot that 2:00 AM in the mountains means complete darkness, so I stumbled around on my way to the pavilion. I'm glad I found the bridge easy enough. It would not have been fun to take a drowsy tumble into a creek in the middle of the night.

Once at the pavilion I learned we were supposed to have changed our clothes and put on good shoes (oops). I made an attempt to head back to my room to change, but I had not light, and I didn't dare to make the trip again.

The night started out with everyone pitching in to make a shelter for our medical supplies. We had a time limit, so it was completed but we had to move on. Everyone was split up into groups and the first round of simulations began. For the for one I played a bystander. I followed the group up to a "car wreck". At first I wasn't sure of my role, and I was ready to be a full on participant. I got to the scene ready to pull out all my EMT training and then. . .my mind went blank. Ummm. . .what do I do again. Come on, Tricia, seriously? You memorized this and went over it a million times. I was a little relieved when I was told as a bystander I couldn't do anything unless they asked. So I stood on the side lines and I began to drill myself. Then suddenly I remembered what to do. Soon standing on the side lines became more difficult. I wanted to jump in and take charge. I was ready. I never got my opportunity, but that moment was enough to show me what I could be capable of. We started to take the victim back to the pavilion as the simulation came to a close. To my great relief the walk back went right by the house I had slept in. I could change my clothes, grab some good shoes and get my phone to use as a light. Phew! That was a relief.

The next simulation they asked me to play a frantic bystander who witnessed someone have a seizure. I was nervous about how well I would do, but quickly gained confidence when one of the supervisors told me, "Damn girl! You're a good actress! Give you the academy award!" Apparently those few years in theater paid off, and perhaps I should have stuck with it a little longer.

The next round of simulations would have me playing a burn victim.

  This was quite interesting because the participants had to do a chair carry to get me back to the pavilion. I felt bad for those have to carry me, and I was a little nervous at times myself. One of the the times they lost their grip and I fell into a door frame. I caught myself with my wrist which ended up hurting for the rest of the trip. Thankfully I have oils and Dr. Christopher's tissue and bone on my side.

I was also supposed to get an IV on this one. This was not something I was prepared for. Since my c-section IV, and such, have sort of become trauma triggers. Even if it did trigger something I knew I could probably keep a handle on it, but I was still relieved when they asked me, "Do you want to be poked or do you just want us to pretend?" I explained the woman in charge when I asked them to just pretend, and she told me that was totally fine.

We took some breaks here and there.

At one break we sat down for breakfast. . .

The army guys taught as all about how to prep these "wonderful" meals. To tell you the truth I don't know why I ate as much as I did. It didn't ever really sit right. But it's better than nothing. Especially in a disaster situation.

The next simulation I was a participant. This one was quite interesting. We approached a situation where there was a man with a "gun". The man came towards us and our security guy told us to run. I ran and hid behind the speed limit sign. It made me realize just how quickly it all could end. It's crazy to think about.

We also had to do CPR on someone for 3 minutes. This isn't an easy thing to do, but I was surprised to find that the three minutes passed quickly and I wasn't even tired.

Over all this was a great experience. Great people! Great information! And it was great for me to learn some new things about myself.

It's so funny as I feel my Heavenly Father nicely push me towards careers in healthcare. I have wanted to be a paramedic since I was in Jr. High, and I've shown interest in the medical and psychological fields all throughout my life. He has constantly led me to this path, but I've never taken it. I was afraid I wasn't strong enough to handle the stress of these situations. But this retreat helped me to see just how well equipped I am for these types of things. It totally freaks me out that if the big earth quake hits, as a medical professional, they'll probably come knocking at my door telling me I'm needed. But at the same time it excites me too. It won't be easy, but I know I can do, and I know it's where I belong.

Another funny story about this retreat. When all was finally over I went back to the house to wash up and head home. I ran into one of the midwives who needed a ride. After making some decisions about which direction to head in we were on our way. We drove out of East Canyon, down Parleys, got on 215 and headed to American Fork. When we got to AF we made a terrible discovery. She had left her wallet at the retreat. We tried to get a hold of someone, but that wasn't working. The only thing we could do was drive back up there. So that's what we did. It was actually really nice. She proved to be an amazing traveling companion and we became fast friends. I love a good excuse to just sit and visit with someone and so it didn't bother me at all. So we got everything, and she found a place to stay and all was well. Well then I got home and realized I had left my backpack up at the retreat. My backpack that contained all my notes for my homework assignments. Even after a repeat trip up there I still couldn't notice my backpack was missing and grab it. Luckily someone else brought it down for me. Thank you! :)

Over all though I could feel my Heavenly Father's hand in this whole trip, and that was absolutely amazing.

I'm just awe struck at what he is asking of me lately. He keeps telling me it's time to take steps forward, it's time to start becoming a leader, it's time for you to go and help others now. He tells me this and I just am shocked. Shirley I am not ready for this. Can't you see how inadequate I am? But as I step up to the plate. As I enter careers that may put me in situations I don't think I can handle. As I begin to teach classes even though I'm completely certain I don't have the skills to do so. I can see that this is what I'm supposed to do. It's incredibly hard, but I know I am on the right path. I know I am following His plan for me, and because I am doing so I am seeing the blessings come pouring in.

I am so glad to receive these affirmations, and I am so glad I am who I am and that I was chosen to be a part of so many great things.

Remebering

Our family lost a dear family friend to brain cancer today. He's been a part of our lives since I can remember. He was a good friend to my mom before she met my dad. He is the one responsible for setting my parents up. He's always been a strong influence in my life. We're all going to miss him terribly.

Him and his wife were there at my reception. I promise they are in that group photo somewhere.

Photos courtesy of Tilt Photography

He even humored me and let me take some photos next to his car.

I will try to briefly explain the significance of this. See Pontiac came out with the first American Muscle car, in 1965 I believe (don't quote me on that). It was the GTO. Not only to I love classic muscle cars, but I have a fondness for Pontiac because my first car was a Pontiac. So I like to brag about how they made the first muscle car. They stopped making the GTO, but somewhere around the time I got got married, probably a couple years before, they started making them again. This, my friends, is one of those GTO's.

Here is another picture from my parents 30th anniversary party. Since this family friend set my parents up I liked to invite him to join us for their anniversaries. He even helped me throw them a surprise party for their 25th anniversary.

He was a good man, and he will be missed. He was always highly complementary of me, and was always shocked to find the boys weren't beating down my door.

When he got the diagnosis for brain cancer he was actually relieved. He knew it was his time and said he was ready to go. I truly admire him for this. What great courage and understanding he had. Just amazing!

This man played such a significant role in my life. I mean without him I may not even exist. Isn't it weird to think about the influence one person can have in so many people's lives? I am forever grateful for this role he played in my life. And so grateful that I myself could know him. He was an amazing person, and I'm sure he'll continue to do amazing things!

What Does it Mean to Me

I have my EMT-B, which is pretty much only good for helping you get your A-EMT, but I still have wanted to try and find a way to get hours to keep this license up to date. Not to mention I would really like to get some field experience. I was so excited to find out that Springville was taking volunteers. So I turned in an application. The guy told me I would need my Firefighter I, but he would keep it on file. Low and behold they called me a couple of weeks later asking me to come in and take a test for the position I applied for. Boy was I nervous. Worst of all it covered Firefight and EMT stuff. I got a little over 50%. I didn't expect to get called back, but they did. They called me for a physical assessment. I was thrilled! Though I didn't really know what to expect or what to prepare for.

But I have been preparing, in a way, for a while. For reasons hard to elaborate on I wanted to see if I could qualify for the ROTC. So I started the workouts. I did push-ups and sit-ups every night-- almost. And I got better. . .a lot better. I even got the numbers needed to get into the ROTC. I really wanted to do this. I wanted to tackle a field that is male dominated. I wanted to hold my own in that world. I wanted to show them that I was strong and powerful and that I belonged there. It was important to me. It was important to me to feel strong in that way. But I started to feel the ROTC may not be the right path for me. But these preparations still helped.

I went in for the physical assessment. I had never done anything like this before. I watched the other's do the test, and I started to get nervous. They called me over. We had to wear a fireman's jacket, helmet and gloves and the oxygen pack. Can I just tell you. . .IT WAS HARD!!!

There were about 9 stations. These are two of them.

I pulled this hose up with a rope and had to let it down slowly. My gloves were so big, and my arms were so tired that I had a hard time getting a grip. It slid a lot of the way down.

This is where I almost gave up. I couldn't find anymore strength. I had to lift that board up, so there was a space between the board and the platform, 10 times. I lifted it with a long pole that had a point at the end. It was way harder than I anticipated. I honestly thought I was just done for. But I finally made it to ten.

There were other stations too, like hitting a tire with a sledge hammer till it moved one tire length over. I don't know how to describe that, but it was hard. My arms were giving out on me and that was about the 5th station.

Then we had to fireman drag a 200 lb dummy around some cones. I was so wasted. I took several pauses and just searched for all the strength I had left. I finally got it past the last cone. AND I WAS DONE!

My arms were noodles. I couldn't move them. The firemen had cheered me on the whole time, and as soon as I finished they rushed over to help me get the gear off. Boy was I grateful because I could not use my arms anymore. They kept saying the were impressed. Even a kid, who I had visited with before the test, said he was impressed. I brushed it off. I knew I hadn't done well. "I don't know if I did anything impressive," I said.

He looked at me and said, "For your first time, that was impressive."

The other firefighters told me most women don't even finish, along with some men. They say some people pass out, or need IV's to recover.

They told me over and over and over again how impressed they were. I finally started to believe they were being sincere.

And then it hit me. I had done it. I had proven that I belong here. I was a women that walked into a male dominated field and showed them that I could stand on my own two feet. Was I perfect? No! But I showed them enough to prove them that I could belong someday.

Can I tell you how great that felt? Can I even explain? I don't know if I can. All I can say is I needed that. I needed to show myself I was capable of accomplishing things that seemed so out of my reach. It helped to heal a part of me. A part of me that was losing faith in men. A part of me that needed to be strong in case she needed to fight. I saw these men respect me for my strength. I heard them cheer me on. And it was just incredible! It helped me in so many ways.

Well, I got the call that I didn't get a position. But the chief was very encouraging that I apply again. I talked to him later and introduced myself. He told me he applied 19 times before he got a job. I told him I planned to get more experience and apply again, and he was very encouraging towards that.

"Every time you try you learn a little more about what you need to do next time." Those were the words of the chief. Not a perfect quote, but pretty close.

I'm glad I tried. I'm glad I gave this example to my kids. I worked hard towards a goal, and I changed something I never thought I could change. I grew stronger, and I actually accomplished something I set out to do. That alone feels great because I leave so many things unfinished.

Here's to hoping one day I'll be on a crew.

My Life High and Being Stuck in Transition

While taking a class to certify as a doula, we learned all about hormones and when they are released. More importantly we learned about the high you get off of endorphins when you are taken past a point you didn't think you could go. So if you feel like you are just so tired, so sore, so out of breath that you can't do it anymore and you push yourself a little further you will get your endorphin high and it will be AMAZING!

Runners experience it. Those in labor experience it. And now I wonder if I can experience it.

We learned about terminology and that we shouldn't use the word "transition". Transition can often be an extremely hard part of labor, and the term can carry with it some fear for women. So we learned other phrases we can use to help. Now I'm terrible and I can't remember if transition is when you get your endorphin high, but I associated the two in my brain. I seem to remember that you will get a surge of adrenaline after transition to help you through the rest of your birth, but I can't recall if that is where the endorphin high comes from.

Either way I look at my life and where I am. I feel like I'm in constant transition. I feel like I'm in that constant hard place trying to take my life from irresponsible teenager to a responsible adult with a viable career that can sustain herself and her family. The problem is I never quite get past transition. Instead I seem to keep going back to what seems easy.

I've done it so many times. I got overwhelmed with school. I worked an easy part time job, but still ran myself ragged trying to keep up with the hours needed to keep my theater scholarship. Then I started looking for easy ways out. I went through about a million different career options. I looked at all kinds of schools trying to decide if I would handle what they offered. I signed up for University of Phoenix with hopes of getting a teaching degree and then going into special education. But I found out I was pregnant shortly after starting, the school was in Salt Lake(30 min away from me) and I completely forgot about classes with my pregnancy brain. So I quit. I continued hoping that a career and a schooling option would present itself that would just work. But I got scared out of everything. But soon I realized I needed to push through it. So I went to sign up for the paramedic program. Well I would need a few things before entering. After a few complaints I knew I just needed to do what needed to be done, and I needed to get through this. But even so, I have let math stand in my way. Even though I could have been done with it by now.

And so it seems to be. I can never seem to push myself through that transition. Even now I sit here staring at my options. Looking at what I have started with midwifery school and doula training. I jumped in fully ready to take the horse by the reigns and ride on through transition. I was certain that it was the right path so I would easily be presented with a way to accomplish what I needed to. But I'm slowly failing. I'm having trouble catching up on homework.I kind of scared to complete homework because I feel like my brain is very lacking on the information and the know how. And then every time I turn around there is another purchase to be made, or a mess up of payments.

I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck in transition, hoping I can pull myself through so I can full the high on the other side, but I'm just too scared. Too scared of failing. Too scared of the money needed. And too scared That I will just never get to a place where I'll have the stability of a career of a real responsible adult.

I mull over options in my brain. I look at our situation and try to decide if we can earn more money, take on more work or add other jobs. And I just become overwhelmed because I have trouble managing life as it is. And here I sit writing post after post, and taking my kids to dance recitals and on fun activities. How can I say I don't have time? But each of these are twinged with guilt because I know I am terribly behind, and I just feel so stuck. I don't know how to accomplish what I need to because my brain can not see the path that leads us from transition to the other side. And I'm just too scared to take that first step into the unknown. The unknown of money issues, stability and how will we survive if I can't start working now.

It scares me!

Strong!

It has become greatly important for me to feel strong. Not just emotionally, but physically too. I don't just want to think I can compete, I want to know I can. It started when I wanted to see if I could meet the requirements for the ROTC. My reasons for doing this may be a little petty-- in fact I don't know if I can explain it here without it sounding really weird. I was amazed to find myself advancing each week. I improved greatly-- thanks to my awesome vitamins from DoTERRA, and other healthy changes. I had never seen my body improve so greatly, and it became sort of addicting. I liked knowing I could be stronger if I wanted to. I liked knowing that I wouldn't just spend hours working out to be my same flabby self. I liked knowing I had some power over myself and my situation. And I did finally meet the requirements for ROTC, though I know now that is probably not a path I will take.

Even with my new physical achievements I felt like I was still lacking. I needed to do more to build strength than just push-ups, sit-ups and aerobics with weights. I started doing vertical push-ups on the corner of my counter, and I would turn and lift myself with my arms and do leg lifts. Boy was I sore the next day. Sore and tired. But I started getting pretty good at those too. So now it was time to try something new.

So one crazy night I piled the kids in the car, drove to an elementary school and decided to do a full on playground workout. What I really wanted to do was attempt pull ups, a set with my hands facing one direction and than the other. The school didn't have any pull-up bars, so I used the monkey bars. I was hoping I would find them to be surprisingly easier than all those other times I had tried pull-ups. I was wrong. Attempting pull-ups made me terribly aware of something-- I still had weakness.

I tried several times. I tried different ways and directions. I tried different pep talks. Those pull-ups still got the best of me. I had to finally let myself off the hook, and just try to take comfort in the fact that I had come this far and I could master these too-- it would just take time.

But still it's hard. It's hard to feel my weaknesses. Both physically and emotionally. I want to be strong. I want to know I can take care of myself. I want to know that I'm strong enough to fight if I need to. That I'm emotionally well enough to not freak out, have break downs or get super frustrated with my kids. But the weaknesses are there. And I have to face them everyday.

This fear of weakness may be stemmed from a big distrust in men. Honestly, I don't know if the actions of the men in my life are severe enough to justify my distrust, but boy do I struggle. Like at the park when I was doing my pull-ups/workout a guy pulled up in his car. My internal warning alarm went off. I immediately started looking around for escape plans in case this guy was some sort of attacker. How would I get out? Could I manage to get my kids? I was weak from working out and worried I wouldn't have the strength to fight. Well, apparently he was just dropping off his recycling, and apparently he had his wife with him. Why do I do this?

Or there was the time the Kirby guys came to ask if they could shampoo my carpets-- which means give you a 3 hour overview of their vacuum system, pressure you into spending over $1,000 and maybe go over your floor once with their shampooer. They asked if my husband was home. My alarm went off again. Why would they ask that? Is it safe to invite men into my home when I'm here by myself? When the guy came back I left my door open the whole time and tried to avoid getting stuck somewhere I couldn't easily escape from.

Honestly my guard go's up around men all the time. I often feel they don't understand my situation. And I have often been told by them that they disapprove of my means of emotional outlets and that I should protect my husbands honor. When a male ward member, or family friend, asks how things are going, if I need anything or if everything is OK my alarms go off again. I freeze and switch to a mode where I fight the part of me that wants to always be completely honest, and I just give a simple answer. I just never know what reaction I'll get, and a lot of times I feel that I just dig my own grave because of how I present myself and my situation.

For the most part this makes sense with my situation. And I felt that it wasn't too out of my control. But the situations recently have shown me that I really have a lot of trust issues with men, and that really surprises me.

However, this distrust is what has led me to become stronger. I just want the assurance that I can take care of myself. That I can compete in a man's world. I think a part of me feels if I can prove this to myself than putting trust in men won't be so terrifying. That's why it's hard to know I'm still weak. It's hard to know I cannot fight all my own battles-- physically for sure, somewhat emotionally as well. It's hard and it's scary but I know there's a lesson in there somewhere. I just need to learn it.

What I Love About My Life is Not Always Having to Love Life

I'm a little crazy! I have highs and lows. I'm emotionally driven and it's hard to always stay in check. I am driven by passion, and sometimes that passion leads me to good places, and other times it leads me down a rough road. But even though I struggle with life. Even though I will not admit to full on loving my life that doesn't mean I am not happy with who I am.

Granted I'd love to be one of those people who always sees the good in life. I'd love to hold onto those strengths. I'd love to always just look at the blessings, and express how grateful I am. I wish I could be more that way. I wish I didn't have melt downs about 5 page papers-- cut me some slack it was single spaced. I wish I wasn't so quick to anger. I wish I didn't fall down into despair and cry in my shower because I feel so inadequate. I could wish until I was blue in the face, but it won't change who I am.

Now that's an interesting thought. Is being grateful, positive and happy something that is learned? Are people more prone to it than others? Is it easier for some? Are some made to be this way to fulfill their missions, and are others made differently to perform other missions?

When I got married I was in an odd place. I had doubted myself too much. I had searched all over to find where I fit in. I struggled to make friends, and meet guys. I thought I had found my place in the world of theater, but the more I was around it the more I felt I didn't fit in there either. I finished up working at a theater in St. George, and I was just done. I didn't want anything to do with it. But theater had defined me. I had lived so passionately in show tunes and Broadway Documentaries. I had learned to love characters and stories. I had taken a piece of them with me to help me better define who I wanted to be. I daydreamed solving problems in my head with musical numbers. Now what was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to be?

In a way this was an unfortunate time to meet my husband. I jumped between career choices. One day I was going to be a nurse. The next day maybe a seminary teacher, a physical therapist, a secretary, someone who's job it is to help people feel safe and find happiness. . .the list goes on. And the experiences I had with relationships, both dating and friendships, left me feeling a deep sense of shame for who I was. I had always been kind of lost, but I think when I met my husband I was even more lost. I had abandoned a part of me that sort of kept me tethered to my true self. And as the years went on I let that self drift further and further away. I tried to redefine myself as a my husband's wife. I tried to redefine myself as a mother to my kids. They were both fine things, but without my true self I wasn't fully able to be the wife and mother my Heavenly Father had tried to prepare me to be. I even drifted further away from the friendships that had been established in my youth. Well, I really didn't have many friends that I managed to keep around my whole life. Luckily I do have a few friendships that have withstood the test of time-- even with a 2-3 year break. Anyway. . .I kind of cheated myself. And by doing so I cheated many others in my life.

I found myself wanting to be someone different. Why couldn't I be more logical? Why could I handle situations calmly and without getting emotionally charged? Why had I been raised this way? Why hadn't my parents been firmer with me? And why, oh, why did I have to have that awful temper?

There are those that would tell me I could be more this way. I could learn to be less shy. I could learn to handle situations better. I could do all these things. That may be true. But deep down in the core of my being exists a person who will always struggle with these things and it will never be a real natural talent for me.

So here's the thing. Deep down inside is a person. A person who was created by her Heavenly Father. A person who asked to come to the life so she could learn certain things. A person who has a mission, and who has been given the skills and life lessons to fulfill that mission. Is there more to learn? Always. Will I have to stretch myself? Most definitely. But when I listen to my Heavenly Father tell me what he wants me to do, and then show me what exists within me to fulfill that request. I can better perform the task at hand, and I can do it with a much braver face.

I think I'm here to share the stories in a different way. I think I'm here to go down to the depths of despair, so I can mourn with people and share their burden. I like who I am, and I like how I feel and what I see. I may wish I had learned things sooner. I may wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice. But not in an effort to change who I am. In an effort to try and direct myself better and put myself on the right path. I have slipped up and allowed my emotionally charged self to fly off the handle and cry about a paper, or chew my kids out for not throwing away wrappers-- believe me there are a lot more examples than that. But even so it has given me practice and it has allowed my eyes to be opened up even more. At times these incidents have been gateways into exploring how all people in the situation might feel, not just me. And that has all been part helping me become who I am.

I don't know if this makes sense. And I really hope it doesn't sound offensive to some. I really do admire those who can see, and express, things differently than me. I think that we all have a place in this world. I'm in no way saying my way is ultimately right. Just that I don't feel like it is wrong. I hope I got the message across that I wanted to express, and that I felt prompted to share.

P.S. This Post's pictures are brought to you by my family's trip to the local Dinosaur Museum.