Grasping At Straws

This post isn't meant to be offensive, nor is it saying I lost my faith or anything like that. It's just a realization I had last night while participating in a popular LDS tradition: seeing the lights at Temple Square.

I have to admit I have had a harder time adjusting to Christmas being over this year. Its been a long time since I have enjoyed the Christmas Season this much. All growing up I felt the same way. I adored the Christmas Season and when it was over I would feel sad having to say goodbye. Sometimes I would even cry. I eventually accept the new year and get excited about new adventures, but it can be adjustment. Anyway. . .that might be something that has contributed to the recent feelings I have had.

I have also been feeling odd lately. Most times I feel excited and happy and I can't wait for what life may bring me. But lately nothing has seemed to spark that in me. I am very content with my life. I was able to get a really good job thanks to a family friend-- I totally owe him because I don't think I could have done it without him. I feel secure in the fact that I can now take care of my kids. And I have so many friends and family that have blessed me in so many ways. I am happy with life. It's just when I think about getting remarried, or things that the future may bring I just feel kind of. . .Meh! Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. I just don't know if I feel excited about possible new relationships or meeting someone new. Right now it's just like, whatever. It's not all that bad. It's just different from how I normally feel, Normally those thoughts make me happy, but right now they make me feel neither happy or sad.  home there.

This sounds kind of depressing. Sorry. I'm not depressed or sad I promise. It's just one of those moments. . .you know? Where suddenly every thing feels sentimental and wonderful, but you worry that you'll never be able to hang on to it. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway. . .all these feelings might have contributed to what I realized last night. And I might have been a little disappointed that only one of my kids wanted to join me on a trip up to Salt Lake.

But on with the real reason for this post. Me and my 4 year old headed up to Salt Lake to look at the lights at on Temple Square. I used to go up to Salt Lake all the time. I would go by myself or on dates. The city never bothered me. In fact I felt at home there. But this time I was nervous. I'm not a fan of the stop we got off of for front runner. The trax lines have gone through changes that I am still not used to, and we had a heck of time trying to figure out which train would take us downtown-- me and the other passengers that is. I just felt a little weird being up there by myself I guess. Well we got to downtown, and the little guy was starving. So we went to get food first. This meant heading to City Creek. I am not a fan of that place either. Maybe if it had been built before I had kids, But I find it to be kind of inconvenient with kids, and I just don't know if I enjoy all there is to see there. Most the stores are way too expensive for me. I never really enjoy the walking through there because of the crowds, and well. . .complain. . .complain. . .complain. I need to try and have a better attitude about it I guess. We went to the food court, got some food, had a heck of a time finding a seat, and then we headed back to see the lights.

The lights were pretty, as usual. Though I feel like they are doing less and less each year.

We went up to the top of the Joseph Smith building and we squeezed in for a view. I looked at beautiful temple. I have always been in awe of it's beauty and detail. How did the pioneers build this? To me it's such an architectural marvel. Perhaps I am simple minded. I don't know. But seriously I look at it and just feel that it is pure genius. I have never gone through this temple myself. I never felt like I wanted to get married there even though it's beauty is beyond compare. But still I have always felt that this temple stood out among all the other temples.

It has always been special to me. The whole Salt Lake experience has always felt special. But this time it felt a little different. I looked at the Salt Lake temple and wondered if it really was something I cherished, or perhaps the me that thought she cherished it was borrowing feelings that she herself didn't really feel. I felt off. I searched every part of me that had always enjoyed trips to Salt Lake. Was this still a part of me? Did it still hold a special meaning? Suddenly all those memories felt superficial and fake.

Had it not been real? Had I just been grasping at straws my whole life?

The girl I was before isn't who I am now. She will always be a part of me, but I have changed a lot. I have realized that I needed something more, something deeper than the beliefs I had been raised to have. I had to find a new path to God. I had to figure it all out all over again. Back in 2011 I sat down and thought how angry I was with God. I had tried to do what was right. I had tried to live a good life, but I kept getting thrown challenges and trials and I was tired of trying to learn the lessons I needed to learn. Whatever those lessons were I was done. I looked at my life. Where do I go from here? Do I turn my back on God and the church? Does that make me feel happier? I looked at my life and what it might be like as an atheist who had no faith. I knew that wouldn't equal happiness for me. I knew I could never deny that God was real. So what do I do? I realized I would just have to keep trying, keep searching and keep hoping that one day I would find a way to fit God, and the church, back into my life.

And I have. I have had incredible spiritual experiences. I have developed a relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior unlike anything I could have ever dreamed was possible. It's been an incredible journey. And maybe now, those experiences I wanted to be real earlier on in my life just don't feel as real as the ones I have come to know.

I don't know if that makes sense. I do not deny the beauty of the Salt Lake temple, nor the wonderful sacrifice it took to build it. But now the meaning it holds for me will have to be relearned. I will have to find a new path that reawakens the sacredness this temple holds.

Before my testimony was real enough. But I fear a lot of it may have been grasping at straws. Now my testimony has had to stem from some place deeper, and now all those experiences I have known as a child need to stem from that place as well. Does that make sense?

I enjoyed my night with my little boy. Though I will admit I was always a little nervous about walking around Salt Lake by myself. We had fun seeing the lights and we actually went to The Grand America to see there window displays for the first time ever. I didn't have it in me to fight all the crowds to view the nativity though. But we still had a fun night.

Another thing that made this trip a little harder was that I just miss my family. I miss who we were. We always went places together. We liked to plan events to go to together. And now that has changed. It's too hard to get everyone to agree to the same plan. There are just too many young kids. And everyone is so worn out from the horrible stress that has filled our lives for the last several years. I guess that's life. My grandparents eventually stopped coming places with us. Of course the same would eventually be true for my family. But still I miss it. It ended too soon.

As I look to the future it's sometimes hard to accept. I've had to watch wonderful friends move away. I've had to watch my family make huge changes. I've had to realize relationships weren't going to be what I had hoped they would be. It's hard to accept change. That's one reason it's hard for me to say goodbye to the year and embrace a new one. But I know change will come and I just need to learn to deal with it.

I don't know what the future will bring for me and my little family. I hope one day I will find success in a career that I enjoy. I hope one day I may enjoy the start of a new relationship, and perhaps a new marriage-- who knows. Though I can't say I feel particularly enthused about that at this moment-- last week I was, so I'm certain that will change. But I hope we continue to make memories and just enjoy being a family and being together.