While taking a class to certify as a doula, we learned all about hormones and when they are released. More importantly we learned about the high you get off of endorphins when you are taken past a point you didn't think you could go. So if you feel like you are just so tired, so sore, so out of breath that you can't do it anymore and you push yourself a little further you will get your endorphin high and it will be AMAZING!
Runners experience it. Those in labor experience it. And now I wonder if I can experience it.
We learned about terminology and that we shouldn't use the word "transition". Transition can often be an extremely hard part of labor, and the term can carry with it some fear for women. So we learned other phrases we can use to help. Now I'm terrible and I can't remember if transition is when you get your endorphin high, but I associated the two in my brain. I seem to remember that you will get a surge of adrenaline after transition to help you through the rest of your birth, but I can't recall if that is where the endorphin high comes from.
Either way I look at my life and where I am. I feel like I'm in constant transition. I feel like I'm in that constant hard place trying to take my life from irresponsible teenager to a responsible adult with a viable career that can sustain herself and her family. The problem is I never quite get past transition. Instead I seem to keep going back to what seems easy.
I've done it so many times. I got overwhelmed with school. I worked an easy part time job, but still ran myself ragged trying to keep up with the hours needed to keep my theater scholarship. Then I started looking for easy ways out. I went through about a million different career options. I looked at all kinds of schools trying to decide if I would handle what they offered. I signed up for University of Phoenix with hopes of getting a teaching degree and then going into special education. But I found out I was pregnant shortly after starting, the school was in Salt Lake(30 min away from me) and I completely forgot about classes with my pregnancy brain. So I quit. I continued hoping that a career and a schooling option would present itself that would just work. But I got scared out of everything. But soon I realized I needed to push through it. So I went to sign up for the paramedic program. Well I would need a few things before entering. After a few complaints I knew I just needed to do what needed to be done, and I needed to get through this. But even so, I have let math stand in my way. Even though I could have been done with it by now.
And so it seems to be. I can never seem to push myself through that transition. Even now I sit here staring at my options. Looking at what I have started with midwifery school and doula training. I jumped in fully ready to take the horse by the reigns and ride on through transition. I was certain that it was the right path so I would easily be presented with a way to accomplish what I needed to. But I'm slowly failing. I'm having trouble catching up on homework.I kind of scared to complete homework because I feel like my brain is very lacking on the information and the know how. And then every time I turn around there is another purchase to be made, or a mess up of payments.
I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck in transition, hoping I can pull myself through so I can full the high on the other side, but I'm just too scared. Too scared of failing. Too scared of the money needed. And too scared That I will just never get to a place where I'll have the stability of a career of a real responsible adult.
I mull over options in my brain. I look at our situation and try to decide if we can earn more money, take on more work or add other jobs. And I just become overwhelmed because I have trouble managing life as it is. And here I sit writing post after post, and taking my kids to dance recitals and on fun activities. How can I say I don't have time? But each of these are twinged with guilt because I know I am terribly behind, and I just feel so stuck. I don't know how to accomplish what I need to because my brain can not see the path that leads us from transition to the other side. And I'm just too scared to take that first step into the unknown. The unknown of money issues, stability and how will we survive if I can't start working now.
It scares me!
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