Strong!

It has become greatly important for me to feel strong. Not just emotionally, but physically too. I don't just want to think I can compete, I want to know I can. It started when I wanted to see if I could meet the requirements for the ROTC. My reasons for doing this may be a little petty-- in fact I don't know if I can explain it here without it sounding really weird. I was amazed to find myself advancing each week. I improved greatly-- thanks to my awesome vitamins from DoTERRA, and other healthy changes. I had never seen my body improve so greatly, and it became sort of addicting. I liked knowing I could be stronger if I wanted to. I liked knowing that I wouldn't just spend hours working out to be my same flabby self. I liked knowing I had some power over myself and my situation. And I did finally meet the requirements for ROTC, though I know now that is probably not a path I will take.

Even with my new physical achievements I felt like I was still lacking. I needed to do more to build strength than just push-ups, sit-ups and aerobics with weights. I started doing vertical push-ups on the corner of my counter, and I would turn and lift myself with my arms and do leg lifts. Boy was I sore the next day. Sore and tired. But I started getting pretty good at those too. So now it was time to try something new.

So one crazy night I piled the kids in the car, drove to an elementary school and decided to do a full on playground workout. What I really wanted to do was attempt pull ups, a set with my hands facing one direction and than the other. The school didn't have any pull-up bars, so I used the monkey bars. I was hoping I would find them to be surprisingly easier than all those other times I had tried pull-ups. I was wrong. Attempting pull-ups made me terribly aware of something-- I still had weakness.

I tried several times. I tried different ways and directions. I tried different pep talks. Those pull-ups still got the best of me. I had to finally let myself off the hook, and just try to take comfort in the fact that I had come this far and I could master these too-- it would just take time.

But still it's hard. It's hard to feel my weaknesses. Both physically and emotionally. I want to be strong. I want to know I can take care of myself. I want to know that I'm strong enough to fight if I need to. That I'm emotionally well enough to not freak out, have break downs or get super frustrated with my kids. But the weaknesses are there. And I have to face them everyday.

This fear of weakness may be stemmed from a big distrust in men. Honestly, I don't know if the actions of the men in my life are severe enough to justify my distrust, but boy do I struggle. Like at the park when I was doing my pull-ups/workout a guy pulled up in his car. My internal warning alarm went off. I immediately started looking around for escape plans in case this guy was some sort of attacker. How would I get out? Could I manage to get my kids? I was weak from working out and worried I wouldn't have the strength to fight. Well, apparently he was just dropping off his recycling, and apparently he had his wife with him. Why do I do this?

Or there was the time the Kirby guys came to ask if they could shampoo my carpets-- which means give you a 3 hour overview of their vacuum system, pressure you into spending over $1,000 and maybe go over your floor once with their shampooer. They asked if my husband was home. My alarm went off again. Why would they ask that? Is it safe to invite men into my home when I'm here by myself? When the guy came back I left my door open the whole time and tried to avoid getting stuck somewhere I couldn't easily escape from.

Honestly my guard go's up around men all the time. I often feel they don't understand my situation. And I have often been told by them that they disapprove of my means of emotional outlets and that I should protect my husbands honor. When a male ward member, or family friend, asks how things are going, if I need anything or if everything is OK my alarms go off again. I freeze and switch to a mode where I fight the part of me that wants to always be completely honest, and I just give a simple answer. I just never know what reaction I'll get, and a lot of times I feel that I just dig my own grave because of how I present myself and my situation.

For the most part this makes sense with my situation. And I felt that it wasn't too out of my control. But the situations recently have shown me that I really have a lot of trust issues with men, and that really surprises me.

However, this distrust is what has led me to become stronger. I just want the assurance that I can take care of myself. That I can compete in a man's world. I think a part of me feels if I can prove this to myself than putting trust in men won't be so terrifying. That's why it's hard to know I'm still weak. It's hard to know I cannot fight all my own battles-- physically for sure, somewhat emotionally as well. It's hard and it's scary but I know there's a lesson in there somewhere. I just need to learn it.