What I Love About My Life is Not Always Having to Love Life

I'm a little crazy! I have highs and lows. I'm emotionally driven and it's hard to always stay in check. I am driven by passion, and sometimes that passion leads me to good places, and other times it leads me down a rough road. But even though I struggle with life. Even though I will not admit to full on loving my life that doesn't mean I am not happy with who I am.

Granted I'd love to be one of those people who always sees the good in life. I'd love to hold onto those strengths. I'd love to always just look at the blessings, and express how grateful I am. I wish I could be more that way. I wish I didn't have melt downs about 5 page papers-- cut me some slack it was single spaced. I wish I wasn't so quick to anger. I wish I didn't fall down into despair and cry in my shower because I feel so inadequate. I could wish until I was blue in the face, but it won't change who I am.

Now that's an interesting thought. Is being grateful, positive and happy something that is learned? Are people more prone to it than others? Is it easier for some? Are some made to be this way to fulfill their missions, and are others made differently to perform other missions?

When I got married I was in an odd place. I had doubted myself too much. I had searched all over to find where I fit in. I struggled to make friends, and meet guys. I thought I had found my place in the world of theater, but the more I was around it the more I felt I didn't fit in there either. I finished up working at a theater in St. George, and I was just done. I didn't want anything to do with it. But theater had defined me. I had lived so passionately in show tunes and Broadway Documentaries. I had learned to love characters and stories. I had taken a piece of them with me to help me better define who I wanted to be. I daydreamed solving problems in my head with musical numbers. Now what was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to be?

In a way this was an unfortunate time to meet my husband. I jumped between career choices. One day I was going to be a nurse. The next day maybe a seminary teacher, a physical therapist, a secretary, someone who's job it is to help people feel safe and find happiness. . .the list goes on. And the experiences I had with relationships, both dating and friendships, left me feeling a deep sense of shame for who I was. I had always been kind of lost, but I think when I met my husband I was even more lost. I had abandoned a part of me that sort of kept me tethered to my true self. And as the years went on I let that self drift further and further away. I tried to redefine myself as a my husband's wife. I tried to redefine myself as a mother to my kids. They were both fine things, but without my true self I wasn't fully able to be the wife and mother my Heavenly Father had tried to prepare me to be. I even drifted further away from the friendships that had been established in my youth. Well, I really didn't have many friends that I managed to keep around my whole life. Luckily I do have a few friendships that have withstood the test of time-- even with a 2-3 year break. Anyway. . .I kind of cheated myself. And by doing so I cheated many others in my life.

I found myself wanting to be someone different. Why couldn't I be more logical? Why could I handle situations calmly and without getting emotionally charged? Why had I been raised this way? Why hadn't my parents been firmer with me? And why, oh, why did I have to have that awful temper?

There are those that would tell me I could be more this way. I could learn to be less shy. I could learn to handle situations better. I could do all these things. That may be true. But deep down in the core of my being exists a person who will always struggle with these things and it will never be a real natural talent for me.

So here's the thing. Deep down inside is a person. A person who was created by her Heavenly Father. A person who asked to come to the life so she could learn certain things. A person who has a mission, and who has been given the skills and life lessons to fulfill that mission. Is there more to learn? Always. Will I have to stretch myself? Most definitely. But when I listen to my Heavenly Father tell me what he wants me to do, and then show me what exists within me to fulfill that request. I can better perform the task at hand, and I can do it with a much braver face.

I think I'm here to share the stories in a different way. I think I'm here to go down to the depths of despair, so I can mourn with people and share their burden. I like who I am, and I like how I feel and what I see. I may wish I had learned things sooner. I may wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice. But not in an effort to change who I am. In an effort to try and direct myself better and put myself on the right path. I have slipped up and allowed my emotionally charged self to fly off the handle and cry about a paper, or chew my kids out for not throwing away wrappers-- believe me there are a lot more examples than that. But even so it has given me practice and it has allowed my eyes to be opened up even more. At times these incidents have been gateways into exploring how all people in the situation might feel, not just me. And that has all been part helping me become who I am.

I don't know if this makes sense. And I really hope it doesn't sound offensive to some. I really do admire those who can see, and express, things differently than me. I think that we all have a place in this world. I'm in no way saying my way is ultimately right. Just that I don't feel like it is wrong. I hope I got the message across that I wanted to express, and that I felt prompted to share.

P.S. This Post's pictures are brought to you by my family's trip to the local Dinosaur Museum.