I Want to Be a Hero

I want to fight.

I want to be strong.

I want to believe.

But I just don't know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of this. I don't know if I have the ability to become financially stable. I don't know if I have what it takes to get through my schooling. I am not getting good grades, I'm barely scraping by if that.

How did this happen?

How did I end up here?

How did I think I could take care of four other people, when I wasn't even good at taking care of myself?

I don't know what to do.

I'm stuck.

I don't know if it will ever get better.

People have told me I am strong enough to do this. That they know I can make it. Sometimes compliments don't suit me well. Sometimes I can't believe what people say about me. But I believed those words. But now I don't know.

I feel so helpless.

I feel like my life is so out of control.

As I work my way through this life I am loosing my self discipline. And I am letting things slip. I am not fighting as hard to achieve as I should be. I just don't know if I am capable of such things.

I want to be hero. But I'm not. I'm just. . .lost.

Life comes at you fast. My mom took all my kids tonight so I could try to do homework. I caught a glimpse of what my life might be like if I didn't have kids at this point. It's weird to think I was once single. It's weird to think that I was kind of irresponsible, and I didn't try harder to move my life forward or become more stable. And now I see myself following that pattern again. But this time it isn't just me. I have my kids that I am responsible for. I suddenly realized that maybe I should never have let myself take on the responsibility of marriage and family. I want to believe I have what it takes to pull my family up higher. That I can follow in the footsteps of so many incredible people who have come out of much worse. But today it feels like I just don't have what it takes.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.