Social Anxieties

Before I start this post I just wanted to share these quotes.

I know all I do is talk about music in an over exuberant and dramatic way, but I absolutely love it. And I wanted to share a piece from a song that has a for important meaning to me. I wrote a post about this song not long ago, and you can read it by going here.

"Every war was another seed
That could feed every soul in need
Oh, I'm worn by the war in me"
- Katie Herzig "Lost and Found"

What an amazing way to describe the internal conflict that can exist in emotional struggles. When I hear this line I picture myself with many cords attached to me that are all sucking my energy away. I then take a sword and cut them all, and reclaim my strength. I know that probably sounds weird, but that's why I love this song. It helps me feel like standing up and fighting, instead of sitting back and letting the life get sucked out of me.

I also wanted to share this quote. It's from "Mormon Midwife The 1846--1888 Diaries of Patty Bartlett Sessions" It's written at the very beginning of Diary One.

"Beginning a diary signifies that one's life is going somewhere for a reason."

Don't you just love that? I don't know if my life is going anywhere, or it it's interesting enough to read about. But I adore this quote, and I love to share my story-- even if no one ever listens.

Now onto the post.

We celebrated Easter today. I for the most part enjoyed my children-- there were tantrums along the way. My 18 month old was pretty excited about having a whole bunch of candy at his reach. It's his dream to just snack on junk food, and play outside, all day. That pretty much came true today.
And we enjoyed being with family, even though all of us crashed after our traditional lunch. It was a nice Easter.

But there was a downside. I was torn between which church to attend. My husband was all set to sub for me as Primary Chorister, but I guess they found their own sub, my Dad spoke in his ward but I knew I'd be up late and probably would make it in time. Both my parents and our ward start at 9:00, and as much as I feel like I should make it to church on religious holidays it was hard to make it today. I did want to go. I wanted to enjoy Easter Sunday at church with my boys, but I feel every single part of me fighting against walking into that building. Why? It's all because of a calling.

I've have gotten steadily worse over the years. Dealing with confrontation, having to say no, having to try and do anything that involves possibly disappointing someone. It has always felt suffocating to me. I hate it! I hate when I'm approached with these types of situations. I hate getting upset with people, but I usually end up there because I try to avoid the confrontation for so long I finally explode in an, "Just leave me alone! I don't want to do it, and I know perfectly well that I don't!" I honestly have to fight every natural urge in my body to do what is socially considered "normal" in these situations. In reality I would like to just hide in my house and become some sort of crazy recluse that collects old newspapers and runs inside whenever I see people coming. But I can't do this because I also enjoy company and friends, and I don't like feeling stressed whenever I do feel like getting out and socializing. So I've worked on being better. I've made career choices that I hope will offer me training and confidence in these situations. I've worked hard to make improvements myself. But sadly since marriage, I've allowed my husband to just take over for me. So I steadily have gotten worse. Then you throw in emotional trauma, and overcoming PTSD, and well my boat is almost sunk. Sometimes it takes so much effort just to go to the store and try to be somewhat "normal" and that isn't a challenge that I don't want to willfully make myself overcome something that was hard even before the PTSD and emotional trauma.

Then there are other lovely attributes to the situation. One being that I love theater. This does not mean I love attention. I think I want attention and praise for a job well done, but I honestly don't know how to accept it sometimes. What I really want is to connect emotionally with a character who's story I love and adore. I want to tell their emotional story in front of the world, so people can be opened to what emotional turmoil can be brought on by different situations. I also think a part of me feels if I can tell their story well enough I can heal a little, and so can they. I know they are fictitious characters, but even so some of them I just want to meet and be best friends with so we can help each other through this crazy life. Sometimes I feel I'm the only one that understands them, and they, the only one's that understand me. So theater isn't about attention. But people see I love theater and I guess think it means I am good at getting up in front of people. Not so. It's a total anxiety factor for me. Sometimes when I really feel passionate about something I can watch people, get excited and get up and share my piece. But most the time talking in front of people, when not playing a character, involves incredibly shaky legs, blushing, fast talking and confused thoughts.

People also think because I'm so open that I'm not shy. But I just like to be as honest as I can. I don't want to tell a story that is slanted towards me. I try to best portray it with fairness to all people involved. I don't like to pretend I'm OK when I'm not. And I'm really terrible at small talk. No matter what questions are asked I always end up somewhere where I battle with honesty and trying to best answer questions just on the surface. I always fail.

So I'm just a whole big bag of anxiousness, shyness and craziness. I've recently learned that I'm best described as an introvert. I feel like this is a new awareness coming out, and I wish I could give everyone a pamphlet on introverts when they meet me. I feel like it would have helped so much growing up, and it would help a lot now. Mostly because I've been told my whole life that my introverted tendencies are wrong and I need to try to be more extroverted. I'm all for challenging myself and proving to myself that I can do hard things, but I am also starting to realize that I was made this way for a reason, and I don't need to try to be something I'm not.

So back to the calling. I was offered the calling of primary chorister. When they asked me to come to the bishops office I got anxious. I hate those calls, and I hate getting called to the Bishops office. I always feel like I'm in trouble or some form of confrontation will happen. My husband said it was probably for a calling and I was adamant I would not be accepting one. I am seriously swamped, and I am struggling to stay afloat as it is. I can't focus my attention anywhere. Eventually I get overwhelmed and start obsessively wasting time by washing every dish as soon as it hits the sink, or logging into facebook every ten minutes. Life is just crazy and I can't land. Whenever I try to take a few minutes for myself I feel so guilty and stressed about all my obligations I just want to cry. In short I did not want a calling. . .but I can't say no. I thought about just missing the appointment, and pretending I forgot. But I decided to be a good member of my ward, and I dragged all my kids to the church and waited outside the office. And. . .I accepted. . .I didn't want to. . .but I did. Why can't I just say no?

So after two weeks of trying to make peace with this I finally cracked. The Sunday I'm supposed to be set apart I tell my husband, "I just can't do it. I think I'll have to tell them no." I had prayed about the calling and I felt that I was told to take it. So I prayed again to see if that was still the answer. I talked with my Heavenly Father and I felt I better understood. I didn't need to take the calling. It was about the ward getting to know me better. So I tried to find the courage to tell the ward that I can't do these things. That I have anxieties about getting in front of people, even children. That saying no and having the ward depend on me like that feels extremely overwhelming. And that I am just to swamped to take something so far out of my comfort zone. But I can't find the courage. I can't find the fight in me. I know they are expecting me at that church, but I cannot overcome the emotional hold that comes over me. Then when I feel like I have an in, a friend asks me about it or says, "congrats", I tell them how I'm feeling and I just hear, "It'll be fine just give it a chance." My husband than took over and called and explained our whole situation. And the reply was, "Can't we work something out? Can we talk about making it work?"

I sat in my shower two nights in a row and sobbed. I sobbed because I was embarrassed. I sobbed because even though I was embarrassed I couldn't find it in myself to act socially better. And I sobbed because I feel like no one is listening or understands. They are all trying to convince me I'm perfect for this, when I'm trying to tell them I really am not. I feel my Heavenly Father has prepared me for certain missions. I have gladly taken those on even though they stretch me beyond my comfort zone. He has shown me how I am capable, and so I move on in faith. But when it comes to this calling I just simply feel that I'm not a good match.

I thought it was over. I thought my husband would sub today, and it would just dwindle and fade. But they still want to talk to me, and try to work something out. But these talks are partly why I have anxieties about these situations. I can't just say no. I can't just say I don't want to do it and give reasons why. They will try to talk to me and work something out. It just makes it harder because I know I'll try to be polite and listen, and I won't be able to just firmly put my foot down when they start trying to talk me into it. It makes it harder for me to face the situation.

 
This is one reason I shared my story on this blog. There are situations where people obviously see that someone will have emotional trauma, or has a lot to deal with. But when you are the victim of an affair, and you decided to try to stay married, you're told talking about it is inappropriate. But the thing is that you are suffering so much emotional trauma-- I've heard it's almost equivalent to recovering from rape trauma. And so you take on all the characteristics of a trauma victim but nobody understands why. And they all assume that everything is fine and normal. This is why I want to bring more awareness to the trauma caused by an affair. So everyone can hopefully understand better.  

I have a firm belief in the church. And I firmly believe in my Heavenly Father. He has shown me so many things, and I now realize what I should have always been listening too. I now see my mission in this life so much more clearly. I know my Savior is there for me, and I have felt him take my emotional burdens from me many times. He has calmed me, directed me and assured me that I am doing what is right. I know I have the potential to slip up and misinterpret, but I work really hard to insure I get the right answers. Sometimes I share negative feelings about the church because the culture of it can get to me. And sometimes I share negative things about marriage and having kids. When I do I am speaking as myself, and it isn't something I learned from my Heavenly Father. I am hoping with the help of my Heavenly Father I can find my faith restored in love, marriage and family. I love my kids, and I love family but I just feel there are some things that are taught poorly when it comes to family planning. And as far as the church, I believe the church is true, and I love what being a member has brought to my life, and I really adore going to the temple. But sometimes I wonder if I should just walk away from it. I'm hoping to find ways to serve in the church that feels as fulfilling to me as my other life's pursuits.

So incredibly long post, and I probably just babbled. As a side note I want to say that I learned form the Nie Nie Dialogues that they try to stray away from the term "burn victim", and instead say "burn survivor". I wanted to add this to my vocab and say I'm a survivor of an affair, not a victim. It sounds a little dramatic, but I think I'll begin to like how it feels.

Thanks for reading, and Happy Easter!