You're Too Pretty to Cry, and Other Thoughts From Me

Tonight I went for a run. I always go for runs. There's nothing unusual about running. I mean, I kind of hate running, but still I run. But tonight I felt myself running from something. I've never run from emotions but tonight I wanted to believe I could.

Being pretty doesn't save you from heartache. Being pretty doesn't mean you have 100 amazing suitors lined up to date you. Don't mistake the fact that me getting hit on by guys mean I have tons of options. I have like -3 options. And when I find myself a good option. . . when I find someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me. . . someone who actually seems to be decent. . . they are usually so messed up from an ex that they are too heart broken to attempt to date.

I didn't expect this sadness to set in. I didn't expect it to be so deep and lingering. I didn't expect to feel it so fully. And I hate it. I hate it so much you know? I hate it because I know I'll be OK. I hate it because I have already found my happiness again, and yet I'm still sad. And I hate it because I don't know what to do.

I don't know if the hurt has passed. I don't know if missing someone is enough. I don't know if I'm thinking clearly. Is missing someone a sign that I'm ready to forgive and forget? Or is it just a natural byproduct of anything ending, bad or good? I never expected it to hurt this much. I thought I would come around. But the pain ran deeper than I thought it did, and it has taken a while for me to get to a place of understanding.

Usually I go through the sadness, the bitterness, the anger before I get to the happy and content part. This time I felt the happy/content part first. And even through the sadness, bitterness and anger I still felt that happiness and content. I know I'll be fine. But there's just no escaping this. It is what it is. No matter how you try to describe it a break up is a break up. It's going to hurt no matter how much you understand that it was necessary.

What's Been Going on With Tricia

So this is a different post. I'm mostly writing it to get my thoughts out because they need to go somewhere. I can't think straight anymore.

Most may know that life has been rough. I have had one disaster after another from expensive home repairs to just flat bad luck. When it rains it pours, and my attempts to try and stick it out and wait for the storm to pass were futile. The storm did not pass, it got worse. . .and worse. . .and worse. It was as though life was trying to kill any hope or self worth I had left. I lost my job, and I did my best to stay focused. I was planning to join the Army, and soon life would come back together. This was just temporary. Then the Army told me I didn't get the medic slot, and I was done. I slipped into a depression unlike anything I had experienced before. Life just felt hopeless. I called my friend crying saying I just couldn't take it anymore. People tried to present me with career paths but I couldn't bring myself to care about anything else. I had just lost an option that would help me get to a career I have wanted to do since I was in Jr High. I struggled everyday. I felt like there wasn't anything worth looking forward to. Lets face it, things were never going to get better. Where was the motivation to go on? I even tried convincing myself that my kids would be better off without me. But that was a lie even I couldn't believe.

In situations like these I would usually give up, so I forced myself to keep trying. I turned to other branches of the military. I tried to find medic slots in the National Guard, but it just wasn't working. I was so tired and strung out I just couldn't think about going to basic training anymore, or being away for six months. I had been in survival mode for a while. I still am in survival mode. How could I deal with the stress of the military on top of all this?  I had been powering through every single day. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I did little to upkeep my mental health. And in the midst of this chaotic mess of tiredness and stress I met a guy.

He was a friend I had met before at one of those rucking events I'm always going on about-- yeah I'm annoying. And we got together so I could ask him more questions about the military. We seemed to hit it off, and for once something happened that hasn't happened in a long time: a guy seemed as motivated to spend time with my as I was to spend time with him. It all seemed too good. There wasn't a leap to take here. It wasn't a risk. It seemed practically guaranteed. He said things that led me to believe he was planning on us being together for the long foreseeable future. So I had to stop and decide if I was ready for this too. I decided it seemed worth pursuing and jumped on board. The only issue was. . .well. . .there were issues. . .and he wasn't ready to commit. But he talked about wanting to do things together, even things that were a year out. So I decided to still give it a shot. He seemed to be a sweet, honest and good guy. And honestly he is those things. I had not met someone like this in a while. I didn't even think it was possible to meet someone like this. But I fear, with the inability to commit on his part, this may have been a mistake.

See my life was too stressful. As long as the relationship seemed to relieve that stress it seemed great. But when it became a stress too. . . it got hard.

My self worth was low. I had recovered maybe some of it, but everyday was a different story. Who knew when life would throw another failure in my face? They were coming at me like crazy lately. And because of this his inability to commit became a breeding ground for insecurities. I wasn't ready to be treated like a girlfriend one minute, and then reminded, yet again, he couldn't offer commitment the next. I wasn't ready to be held under the light and examined, picked and prodded at, brushed over with fine toothed comb to make sure I don't have traits like his ex wife. I wasn't ready to have my flaws highlighted as red flags that gave him concerns about pursuing things with me. He had his reasons to fear, and be insecure, and not trust. We all are broken. I just wasn't in a state to deal with these things. I did my best to understand him, and his point of view. I knew where he was coming from, and we communicated about things a lot. Please do not look at this as though he is a monster. We're all train wrecks, and under different circumstances I could have handled his train wreck better. I was just still stuck in my own train wreck.

Since I have not been mentally strong I have simply turned to old coping mechanisms and bad habits. I started to feel more anxious and stressed. Codependency reared its ugly head. Going out and doing things alone became depressing and sad. I didn't want to do anything anymore. It was so nice to have someone to do stuff with again. I just wanted to get back to spending time with him. I became the person I hate, relationship me, old relationship me. A relationship that had just started, that was new and fun, went straight to not fun way too fast. And he was stressed too, so it only added to it. This relationship was not mature enough to handle that stress. We needed more of the fun.

There was eventually a talk and an agreement to pick up things later. But right now, I'm just trying to turn the focus back onto me, and not hold out, or hope for, anything. I'm trying to finally work on myself like I should have been doing all a long. Honestly there was a sense of relief felt when it ended. Suddenly having to do things alone wasn't sad and depressing. I was actually getting excited about getting back to my life where doing stuff alone wasn't hard.

So moral of the story is this. In the single world you will hear this all the time: Hurt people hurt. Why do I mention all this? Because we're BROKEN!!! Be aware of your broken. Be honest with yourself. Make sure you are really ready to date because this thing was supposed to be something fun and amazing, but it ended up adding stress to my already stressful life. I didn't need to deal with all this on top of everything else, and I should have recognized that myself. But I didn't. And you know what it's OK. We have all been that broken person who probably hurt someone by moving on to fast. I knew I was broken and have done my best to stay away from the dating world. I have tried to work on things myself and discuss things about dating to get ideas and theories, so a lot of people keep suggesting forms of dating I should try. Men seem to not take me seriously when I tell them I don't want to date. I mean, you're single, of course you're interested in dating right? No!!! No I really am not in a good place to date. I decided to take a chance on something because it seemed like a guarantee that it would be great. I did my best to be a healthy person in the relationship. But soon it just became something that highlighted the insecurities I already had. And it really set me back.

Just make sure you're ready. Hurt people really do hurt. That doesn't mean you need to be 100%. It means you need to recognize that you are not 100% and just be honest with yourself and the other person about your wants and needs.

Relationships are bull shit people!!! I'm in a sinking ship with loads of dating advice pulling me down. My head is spinning and I can't do it anymore. I need to clear my head and get rid of all this advice garbage. I'm just doing my best to focus on me now.

What's This GORUCK thing?

So about every week I post pictures of me, and my handsome pack, out on a hike somewhere. And about once every few weeks I make a post bugging my friends to join me in a GORUCK event. Some may be asking what is GORUCK? The majority are probably not too concerned with finding out the answer. But either way I'm going to tell you. Actually I'm not going to tell you. Simply google GORUCK and let them tell you. Then when you have questions, which you probably will, you can ask me.

I will try to describe a little about what I do when I am out there taking pics of me and my pack. So if you see me hiking with my fancy pack it usually means I am carrying weight. I carry about 25lbs of weight in my pack, plus water and whatever else. Sometimes I take the weight out if I'm on a new hike, and I'm not sure how its going to be. But most the time I have the weight.

Why do I take those fancy pics? I like to take pics of the places, that me and my pack go, to share with the other crazy people in the group, that also do the crazy GORUCK thing, like me.

How did I get involved? Funny story. I read an article about a young man riding his bicycle across the USA. One of his sponsor's was GORUCK. I researched it a little when I noticed him referring to it during his bike ride. But I didn't quite get it. Then one night he, very excitedly, told me about GORUCK, but not too much-- no joke, it was really hard for me to fully grasp the concept of what this was at first. I was being kind of a brat, but I had a crush on the guy so I looked into. And after looking into it. . .I was still confused as to what it was. Then he told me to do an event. I rolled my eyes. Yeah right dude, I have never even heard about this, I doubt there's even stuff going on in Utah. Well, low and behold, they did do events out here. And I finally decided to put my bad attitude aside and I signed up for a light.

So last year in May, I did my first GORUCK challenge. And I was still a little unsure what to think. But hey when you like a guy you tend to just go with it, am I right? I joined the Facebook group, for people who have completed challenges, and after a month or so of being completely confused and overwhelmed by all the information-- it's almost like learning a new language. I kind of started to catch on. And I started taking my pack out with me more. And I started taking more pics. And. . .eventually the guy that introduced me to GORUCK. . .well we had a falling out.

So here I was, part of this thing, that didn't really feel like my thing. I got into it because of a guy I wasn't even talking to anymore. We were supposed to do our next event together, and I was kind of lost as to what to do with this whole GORUCK thing. Was it something I wanted to stick with? I didn't know. So I just kept hiking with my pack and I just kept taking pics. Then after a while I decided to try and get more actively involved with the local group. I started scheduling more rucks within the group, and I started trying to get some more people involved. But when it came to doing another event I was dragging my feet. 

So then came the day when I told myself I just needed to sign up for an event and do it. I felt like I was lurking in the Facebook group. Me acting like a GRT when all I had done was one light. I needed to try and do more. If I was going to participate in other ways, it only made sense that I needed to participate in their events too. So I sucked it up and I signed up. . .then I canceled and signed up for another one. . .then I thought about canceling that one as well.

But I stuck with it. And it was hard. The event was in November, around Veteran's Day. I kept asking myself why I thought a cold weather event sounded like a good idea. 

So here's how the even went down. The week or so before the event, my plumbing started acting weird. I eventually found out I had a break in the main line running from the house. Sewage backed up into the tub daily. I couldn't run my washer or my dish washer. My kids couldn't take baths. I couldn't take showers. We had to go to my parents' house for everything. The day of the event I took off work so I could rest. The Tough events start at night, and go through until morning, so I wanted to be well rested that day. Well, my youngest woke up that morning at 4 AM throwing up. One round, and our tub and toilet were already out of order. He woke up again an hour later, and puked in my bed. Goodbye rest! I had to rinse off my sheets outside with a bucket and water from the outside spout. They were freezing to the the cement within the few minutes it took me to refill the bucket. Then I took me, my sick kid and my sheets to my Mom's house. I tried to rest there for a minute. Then back to my house to get the kids off to school. What now? Do I still go? I have no bed to rest in. I had not even gotten enough sleep prior to the bed mess. What did I do? Well, I said to Hell with it. If I can't complete it, I can't complete it. So I went to the health food store and asked the associate some strangely worded questions about needing some things to help me get through this event thing, I couldn't even really describe-- he did a great job helping me, by the way. And then I chilled out in my recliner the rest of the day, drinking protein shakes and carb loading.

Then came time for the event. It was a chilly night of walking around Salt Lake city, with our weighted packs, while also carrying other weights as a team. And a there were some other things in between. It was hard, and I didn't do great. But I made it. I even made it through a chilly morning dip in a pond.

Then I had to make the hour long drive home, I had to stop a couple times a long the way. When I pulled up to my house my front yard was being dug up for the sewage repairs. I went to my parents house to shower. Then came home, and crashed in my recliner-- my bed still wasn't made from the puking incident the night before. I woke up in a haze, and I really, really had to go to the bathroom, but my bathrooms were out of order. So I had to stumble out the door and drive down the street to the local grocery store. I walked out of the grocery store, a little dazed and confused, with very little recollection of what actually went on in there. I made it to the bathroom, that much I know for sure. That night I crashed, and I crashed hard. It took a week or so to fully recover. But the event was more fun than it was miserable, and I am glad I did it.

So why do I do this stuff? To best answer that you should just do an event yourself. What I like about GORUCK is that its about learning to work as a team. It's not about being the strongest and best, it's about helping everyone get through it. The people are what make GORUCK awesome, and to meet the people you have to do an event.

I also want to mention that at each event they like to do some form of service. So for our event everyone helped me put together a couple care packages for out troops. They did an amazing job!!!

So that is my GORUCK story. I'm still not 100% sure why I actually got involved in GORUCK,  but now I just sort of go with it. If you ever want to come with me, on one of my little hikes, feel free. I might convert you to the GORUCK ways.

Solving the Worlds Problems

You! Yes you! Have you ever tried to solve the worlds problems? Have you ever tried to find the solution to inner peace and happiness? Have you ever assumed you knew what someone needed or wanted? These were things I tried to do. I was determined to set out in life and find these answers. I was determined to live and learn, and seek out the things I needed to, to find how to be happy in life. To find how to be happy in love. To find how to be at peace. Well, my friends I'm sorry to say I don't have all the answers.

Have you ever noticed the impressions people get of you. People say stuff back to me and I'm like, "huh? What are you talking about?"

"You just need to be more confident."

"You just need to believe in yourself."

"You just don't see how awesome your are."

These phrases and more have been knocked around a million times, am I right? I mean there were times when people told them to me and I was like, "You're probably right." But in reality I kind of always thought I was a pretty awesome person. I tend to try and convince myself I'm not because, well, when you go out in the world thinking your awesome and then get served a piece of humble pie, it can kind of sting. And I guess me trying to tell myself I'm not great or I'm not worth it, is a defense mechanism. There were probably times I actually did believe it because it's what I had been telling myself for so long. There were times I just wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe I was nothing and worth no ones time because it was just too painful. It was too painful to try and go on. But people see me do this and create this perception of me that I lack confidence and self esteem. 

Our perceptions of one another are tainted. We as people see what we want to see. We understand things from our perspective and its hard not to reflect our perspective onto others. We can have an idea of what others are going through, but as we try to relate I think we start putting our image on others and giving them our problems. Then when we've given them our problems we try to give them our solutions.

I struggle with this. And I have had to learn to step out of my world and realize that I'm just built differently then others, and that I don't know how I would be, or how I would feel if I was living this other persons life. Its actually something I can't really do very well. haha! I mean I have my life. I was raised in Utah, in the LDS church. My parents never divorced. I was raised to want a marriage, and a family. I was taught to not want for things, and I was taught to enjoy what I could afford and what was reasonable. I had twins first, then the other two followed within the next three years. I have all boys. I'm a young mother. My marriage didn't work out. My husband cheated on me. My experiences with relationships has never been greatly positive. I am me. And all these thing affect how I see the world. And that's something I can't change. I can do my best to empathize with others, but it's still difficult to fully understand other people, how they work, where they are truly at and what motivates their choices.

Sometimes I wish I could solve problems. I think I have an understanding of how to live and what is right, and then that understanding gets changed when I find myself encountering other lifestyles. I believe in God and the Savior. I follow them and I have my own interpretation of what they truly want from me. And every once and a while I have to step back and remember that I can only truly know what they want from me, and that sometimes I don't even understand that. So who am I to say what they may want from others. I've been led to people. People who I thought would become positive parts of my life. Men I thought I would marry and find happiness with. Each time a person came into my life I assumed I knew why. And then I would get a total shock and surprise when when the relationship ended, or made a different turn. I would sit there in shock and think, "But I swear, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I swear it was what the Lord was directing me to do." Then I realized that, even though the relationships didn't turn out the way I hoped they would, they still played key rolls in helping me learn and grow and become something more. I can walk away knowing I did what the Lord asked, and I learned what I was supposed to learn.

I just need to stop assuming. I need to stop thinking I have control. That I am "I dream of Jeanie" with my prayers saying, "I wish for a husband," and poof he appears. I need to remember that the people brought into my life are brought in for many different reasons, and that to let that be OK. I also need to remember, as I look at others, that I don't have the answers for them either. They are here to do what they feel they need to do, and who am I to assume that I know what they need and what they need to get out of life.

We're all so very different, and that is a beautiful thing. There are universal truths, and then there are personal truths and I think sometimes we get the two mixed up. We're here to learn from each other, and not every answer is going to be the same on everyone's test called "life".

I am striving to find a way to be a peace. I am constantly looking for God's hand in all of this. This world is a crazy place and sometimes I turn to the Lord, with a broken heart, asking him, "Why? Why must we live in a place where such terrible things happen? Why must there be so much pain and suffering? Why Lord? I don't understand." Life can be a gloriously, wonderful, happy, joyful little shit show that will pull the rug out from under you the minute you think you have it figured out. Life is beautiful and sucks all at the same time. We can only perceive a small piece of the world, and it will always be seen through our eyes only, with our little brand of perspective. And that is what I have to remember. That what I see is just a small portion. Trust in the Lord. The path I walk is not one of ease, but it's one full of lessons and growing. And I hope I continue to learn the things I need to learn as I seek to know God better.

Dressed to Impress

I remember being at the BYU pool, at a swimming activity for kids with special needs. I watched each week as volunteers were turned away for having a two piece swimsuit. I'm not talking about a bikini. I'm not talking about a tankini. I'm talking about a two piece swimsuit that covers the same amount of surface as a tank top and booty shorts. I even watched as a special needs child was not allowed to swim because she wore a two piece swimsuit(a tank top with bikini cut bottoms)too.
"This is ridiculous!" I said
"Well it's understandable. I mean she could be swimming and her top could float up and show her stomach." Replied a co-worker.

Oh right. See I forgot. Seeing someone's stomach could condemn your soul to Hell (?)

Why am I sharing this? Did I dislike this co-worker? No she was sweet, and she saw a different view point than I did. What I felt was ridiculous she saw as no big deal. Not a problem.

Do I dislike BYU? Well. .  .let's not go there. But even if I have a certain opinion of BYU, their rules are their rules. And their rules happen to be that only one piece swimsuits are allowed in their pool, no exceptions. Rules are rules, and it's a private institution that offered it's facilities for a good cause. Their rules should be respected.

I share because the intent behind this rule was to be sure that those swimming at the pool are dressed in a tasteful, and modest, suit. But my problem with the rule is that restricting swimsuits to "one piece only" does little to help solve the actual problem they are trying to prevent.

Often times rules are made with a good intention from a lesson learned by another. But what is lost in the making of the rule is the learning of that lesson. And soon it simply becomes about following a rule, or living by a checklist, instead of seeking out the intent and truly understanding why the rule was put in place. Then comes in letter of the law, shaming, guilt, etc. We don't get taught why not to do something we're just told it's bad. Then we look for every proof as to why that behavior is bad and why it leads to unhappiness.

I was raised LDS(BYU is owned by the LDS church). I was told living this lifestyle may seem restrictive, but the restrictions kept me free from things like addiction or getting used or abused and would lead me to living a happier, fuller, life. Is this entirely false? No I don't think so. I think that some of the things taught in the church can keep you from doing some very self destructive things. But I also feel the intent behind these restrictions is becoming lost. We're taught that living a certain way (i.e. going to a bar on occasion or having coffee in the morning)ultimately leads to unhappiness. But I see a lot of people live by the rules who aren't any more, or less, happy than anyone else.

I have been LDS my entire life. I followed the rules even when I didn't want to. I was told it would make me happier in the end. But. . .it didn't. It wasn't a terrible way to live, but it hadn't brought the blessings and happiness I was promised.

So I started to experiment. I started seeking out people who lived lifestyles different from the way I was raised to live. Some were happy. Some were not. Some followed God with all their hearts. Others were seeking direction elsewhere. But their lives weren't any better, or worse than mine. And all their experiences had taught them important things about life.

Among one of my experiments was how I dressed. I was growing tired of wearing t-shirts under everything. I was tired of having to modify my clothing. And I started to wonder if dressing this way was even something I really wanted to do, or if I was simply doing it because of culture pressures. So I decided to shed Mormon modesty rules and just dress how I really wanted to. Maybe I'd go back to dressing how I always had: a t-shirt under everything. Maybe I'd find the church was right and dressing within these guidelines did lead to a happier life. Or maybe I'd simply find it didn't matter what I wore as long as I was true to myself and felt comfortable.

For those who don't know an endowed LDS member of the church is supposed to wear clothing that covers the garment. This means knee length shorts and skirts and your top must have sleeves of some sort. Your top can also not go too low in the front or too low in the back.

It has now been a year. 

A year where I just came home and put my short workout pants on because I was hot from work and they were more comfortable. 

A year since I just wore dresses how I really wanted to instead of modifying them with t-shirts and boleros. 

It's been a year since I just threw on a tank top and enjoyed the sun on my shoulders.

Yep it has been a year. And this is what I have to say: Get those effing t-shirts away from me!!!

I thought I'd go back. I thought I'd think it was no big deal. But I never wanted to go back. I never felt guilty or ashamed. I never felt like God was disappointed. I never felt like he abandoned me or I lost his protection.

I did feel truer to myself. I felt like I had made the choice and didn't just do something because I was told to. And I felt like me seeking this out actually brought me closer to God and helped me understand Him better.

The rules we were given on how we dressed were meant to keep us safe. We were told it was to keep us from giving boys the "wrong idea". We were told it  was about respecting ourselves.

The problem is that dressing within these guidelines does not automatically guarantee anything. A person dressed within these guidelines can still give guys the "wrong idea". And it doesn't necessarily keep you safe. And respect. . .respect comes from within.

The thing is is that we shouldn't do things out of fear. Fear causes us to lose our agency. We should make smart healthy decisions. And you can make smart, healthy decisions about a number of things in life. Even those things we may have been taught to avoid at all costs.

What I learned from my experiment was this:

-How I dressed didn't change how respected I was. Guys weren't  suddenly assaulting me all the time.

-I wasn't unhappier.

-I didn't feel less blessed.

-I didn't loose respect for myself.

Each of us chooses how to live. Things that work for one person don't work for all. Someone may feel something is absolutely necessary for them, another may feel they don't need that to accomplish the same things.

Alcohol does not always equal unhappiness. Drinking a glass of wine to help you relax doesn't seem much different to me than taking a sleeping pill.

Coffee does not always equal an unhealthy addiction. Energy drinks and taking caffeine pills is not a healthier option.

Wearing a tank top does not suddenly lead to being disrespect. Disrespect doesn't have to do with the length of your sleeves in my eyes.

Avoiding things that are criticized by the LDS church does not automatically free you from the harm that those things are said to bring about. 

There are a number of ways to manage life's ups and downs. What works for one may not work for another. The important thing is that the choice be an educated one. And that a person feels centered and rational when they make that choice.

There is more than one way to live a good healthy life. Just because some choose to follow some rules does not mean all those who do not follow those rules are dwindling in despair. For me the most important thing to do is to seek God daily, pray often and be true to myself. What I choose may not fit a certain checklist. But if I am comfortable with who I am, and make my choices based on what I  want, not because I am trying to Impress or fit in, I'll be much happier.

That's why I did what I did. I wanted it to be my choice. I didn't want to dress a certain way just because I was afraid what others might think. So I made my choice. It's what I felt was best for me. My choice shouldn't be seen as a threat or invalidation to another persons beliefs. Do what you feel is best, what is true to you. And my choice also shouldn't be used as a negative example. I can honestly guarantee that I am just as happy, if not happier, as ever. And that I struggle, and succeed, as much as I did before. 

And I hope everyone does what they feel is truly best for them. Whatever that may be. 

Any Dream Will Do. . .

I have to admit. I do have a dream. It's kind of embarrassing and I'll probably get made fun of for it. Ever since I was young------er, like pre-marriage/divorce, I have had a dream that one day I could sing a duet, with Donny Osmond, on stage. I know right! Pretty awesome dream! I mean it's not in any way lame, embarrassing, cliche Mormon, etc. No, it is a totally legit dream!

Make fun all you want. I do totally *heart* Donny Osmond, and I do wish I could sing a duet with him. It would be pretty awesome in my book!

I pulled up videos of Donny Osmond performing in Joseph and the. . . .(Hopefully you know how the rest of that title goes). And it brought back some fond memories. This was one of those Broadway albums that I listened to over and over again, trying my best to learn the part of The Narrator. And, yes, I would even act it out in my front room sometimes. Donny received high praise for his acting abilities in Joseph. . . .and I totally would not take any other cast recording other than the one with Mr. Osmond as the lead (P.S. if you want the one with Donny I believe its the Canadian Cast).

It was fun to watch my kids take an interest in the videos, I may have to get the DVD. But it got me thinking about my life and my dreams, and if I really even have any.

I live life day to day. I don't think that far into the future. I don't really try to plan for the future. I'm just trying to survive the here and now. It's hard for me to sacrifice now in hopes of a better future because I just want to make sure we can get by, so I do my best to make that happen.

It was interesting  to watch Joseph get sold into slavery and get sent to prison, and all the other things that happened to him before he rose up to the top. It's interesting how horrible of a situation he found himself in, but it was exactly the situation that lead to him becoming a great leader in Egypt. Strange what life does to us. Not many find themselves lower than Joseph found himself, and yet somehow he managed to rise so far above it.

I look around at my life. How little resources I feel I have. How little options I can see. I'm not a talented person. I don't have any skills or training that would make me of value in the workplace. . .or. . .well anywhere or to anyone. I don't really know what to do with my life. Sometimes I just sit back and try to see what happens, go where the wind takes me. Then sometimes I think about if I should take initiative and go back to school, but a million subjects I should study pop up and. . .I just don't know what to do.

I once dreamed about becoming an actor and performing on stage. I went to school for it. I sought out jobs in that field. I studied Broadway and musicals. I paid for voice lessons. I practiced singing and acting in my living room at night. I wanted to go to New York. I wanted to make it big! But I don't know if I ever saw that as a real reality or just a silly dream. I mean it is kind of silly, but people do do it. People who aren't shy and crippled by stage fright that is. And people who have more than just an average voice and average looks. Lets face it. I didn't stand out in theater, and I probably never would. Plus working at a certain professional theater in Utah kind of killed my theater buzz. And dreams like this don't work well when you have kids.

I mean should we have dreams? Should we have things we want to do? Is going wherever life takes you a plan in and of itself? Should I seek more direction? Should I set a goal and strive to achieve it? What do I want out of life? Hmmm. . . .Its hard to think of something when you feel like you have nothing, but Joseph had nothing too. But he also sort of went where the wind took him. . .

I don't know what the answers are. I don't know what my dreams are. I love to write, so I start blogs. I have even started some books, and one is almost complete. I think if I were to choose something. I would choose that, and I would put my focus there. But I have to admit that dream of publishing a book, that people actually like, is one of those fantasies I never cared to imagine as being real. Just a nice little dream to help put me to sleep at night.

No, I have no answers. I don't know what my dreams or goals are. I just go where the wind. . .well you know the rest. I seek God's guidance and try my best to go where he leads me. I guess my life will be just as much a mystery to me as it is to the fine folk who choose to read these posts.

Any dream will do. . .will see what dreams may come in my life.

Take 3 Inches. . .

It was January 1-- I know, I know, cliche New Years Resolution-- when I decided to take on a challenge. I have dieted before. I have lost weight before. I have managed to maintain a weight that I am happy with. But I always let things stand in my way of really taking it to the next level.

Things I'd tell myself like:

• Oh, I'm just not that type of person.
• I'm not capable of achieving anything like that.
• My body is just built a certain way

And. . .

• My body is just messed up from having babies.

But I have seen some friends embark on their own fitness challenges. And what struck me most was not the physical transformation, but the mental transformation as well.

Challenges, no matter what they are, are always going to shape us. Taking something that we have always convinced ourselves is unattainable and then attaining it does remarkable things for the mind, body and soul.

I didn't want to sell my self short any longer. I wanted to become stronger, faster and better. I wanted to feel more capable-- something very important to a single mom. So I gave myself a challenge.

Starting on January first-- so I guess technically a New Years Resolution-- I decided to exercise an hour a day, 5 days a week and watch what I eat a little bit better. Here are the results.

BEFORE

AFTER

It is crazy to look in the mirror and think, "Does that really belong to me?" I had some goals to help keep me on track-- like a GORUCK event and an overnight hike coming up. But I really don't want this to be about goals. I want it to be a lifestyle-- which is also why I didn't want to place it in the New Years Resolution category. I want to work hard to keep this up. I love how I look. But mostly. . .I LOVE HOW I FEEL!!!

I got rid of my scale after my third baby, so I don't have any numbers for you. I like it better that way though. I have had to measure my waist a couple of times, per request of friends getting me a gift, and I think I had lost 3 inches. I'm not really sure. But like I said. This is how I like to do it. I obsessed about the scale way too much. It was causing so much stress. I just like saying, "Hey these pants are feeling tight again, it's time to watch what I eat a little better," and then looking in the mirror and seeing results instead of being stressed by a number that isn't changing as fast as I want it to.

Now I'm not going to lie, sometimes I look in the mirror and don't feel any skinnier. Sometimes I see that my clothes are way baggier but just can't see how my body looks all that different. But how I feel? That's what counts. I feel stronger, I feel better. I can take my kids out and carry them on my back without tiring out quickly. I am more capable at lifting and moving things around the house. Exercises that were hard are becoming easier. It feels GREAT!!! I feel more comfortable out in public. I feel more confident. I just feel good!

I wish I could upload the video I made so that it could do the explaining for me. But blogger says it is too large-- whatever! So instead I will show you some pictures. Please try not to cry. Sometimes I want to cry, so its OK. I just wanted to try and show the issue I have with excess skin from my twins. 

These pictures are a little older, but not too much older. It was maybe a month or two ago. I wanted to share this because, even as I get myself into better shape, the shape of my body remains unique. Having this excess skin was part of what held me back. It made me think my body wasn't worth putting much more effort into it. The skin was always going to be there so whats the point. So instead of trying to hide it in shame I just started embracing it. Maybe I don't have a perfectly flat smooth tummy. Maybe I still get discouraged when clothing clings to my tummy so unattractively. But my body is unique. It has it's own unique story that tells about all the amazing things it has done. Is it hard to look in the mirror sometimes? Yes. But not because I'm ashamed. Sometimes it's just hard because I morn for my body and the sacrifice it had to make. I guess it seems kind of like a pity party, but for me it's solemn respect, a moment of silence and maybe a tear or too. I wear this badge proudly, even though it isn't necessarily beautiful to me, it's unique. 

My advice to you is to look at yourself, and see where you are putting the "I can't's" into your life. What is holding you back? You don't have to set some outlandishly crazy goal. I have four kids, I work full time and I have a house to take care of. I didn't pick some crazy exercise and diet routine I knew would wear me down. I picked something doable, something attainable, something that fit well with me. And I have seen results. So don't look at the impossible, look at how you can make what feels impossible possible. And if what you choose happens to be about getting in shape and loosing weight, well learn to love your body for all that it is, in all stages. Your body is yours, it isn't anyone else's. It won't be perfect in every area, but the improvements will still be outstanding! And how you feel on the inside will be the best part!