Life is Pain

I've been working on getting job. A job that should help our family quite a bit. It takes more than just the regular shaking of hands, "Hi, how are you? Tell me about yourself and why you want to work here" type of ordeal.

I had already failed to pass the exam and would have to take it again. And I was up for doing the physical test. I wanted to make sure I was prepared. Part of the test would be running, and I have always been terrible at running. So I pushed myself to do suicides every couple of nights. I could start to feel the strain on my shins and my feet, so I took a rest. I went for a run a couple of days later. the pain was bad, and I only ran halfway out of fear I would continue to strain them and end up even worse. I had three days before the test. And I was stressed, so stressed about my damn shins. I rested and didn't workout at all-- aside from some yoga because I struggle to sit still and do nothing. The day of the test came, and I was worried. Would I be ok? Had I rested enough?

We started the run. Everything seemed fine, but not great. It was a short run and not a difficult time to make, but I really suck at running so I was nervous. Other people seemed to be doing about the same as me, that helped me feel better. After half way the pain came back. My shins started to hurt. Any attempts to try and sprint some of the way went out the window. I tried to keep pace. We passed a check point. We were almost done. "One minute and thirty seconds left!" They shouted. "OK come on Tricia. This is for your kids, so you can take care of them. This is for your life so you can support yourself and do the things you want to do. Come on!" So I pulled every ounce of strength I could and ran faster and faster. Not too fast, but faster. I crossed the finish line with a minute and six seconds to spare. I had done it. But the PAIN!!! Oh the PAIN.

It was awful! I thought I was going to be sick. My shins throbbed. I hobbled around as best as I could. I tried to act as normal as possible. Maybe if I kneel on the ground. Let me just get some water. Stretching? Perhaps if I stretch? OH Hell no! Don't stretch. OK lets just stand up. OH it hurts so bad. I can't take it!  I walked over and told them my time and got my paper. I walked to my car. I could feel the strain put on every muscles that had to help compensate. I went home and tried to get my daily push ups and sit ups in, but WOW was that hard. I had pushed myself so much. I hadn't done a long hard workout, but I had very little left to give. It was a feeling I had never felt before. Not on this level. But I did it because that's what you do. When it comes to surviving, taking care of your family, taking care of yourself you push and you fight and you give it everything you have got.

Life is pain. There is no way to escape it. We try so hard to bypass pain. We try so hard to keep other people from feeling it. But life is pain. And pain has it's own beauty and story to tell. I think we need to remember that pain, heartache and hardship are all a part of life. There are so many things out there that humans should not have to endure. Awful terrible things. The pain in this world never stops. someone somewhere is hurting, and that's the truth of it. We can change some things, but we also need to accept that sometimes pain is just the way of life.

But what I have seen countless times over in my life lately is this: don't let pain keep you from getting something better. I have seen examples I have watched people let their pain consume them and cost them things, and hurt other people too. We are not going to escape it. You have to get through it. But don't let it keep you from moving on. Don't let the past keep you from having a happier future. The hurt has taken so much, don't let it take more. We're all in pain. We're all broken. We are all recovering. I don't expect people to be in a perfected place, as I hope people don't expect the same of me. Take chances sometimes. Be honest and trust someone to understand.

Now I just need to prep for my second time taking the exam! I have got to keep pushing forward. Hopefully I can get this!!!

There Aren't Plenty of Fish in the Sea

I've come to the conclusion, yet again, that there is just no one out there for me.

I know what everyone will say about the negative juju I'm putting out into the universe. I know people will comment on how this attitude is not going to attract a good guy into my life. But I really just don't think this story will have that ending.

Yes, I know that sounds negative and awful. But I really think I have done well to show myself that I have become a much healthier and better of myself. I feel I have learned what I needed to learn about me, which is: I have the skills to be healthy and happy in a relationship, and be part of creating a healthy and happy relationship. And that is what I needed to know. I've made my attempts. I am working through something right now-- its a weird situation. But over all I'm happy with myself and how far I've come. I feel I have done well to mend my broken pieces and be a person who is worthy of love, who was always worthy of love but now knows better how to see it.

Believe you me, I would love to believe there's someone for everyone. I would love to believe someone could actually love and accept me for who I am. I would love to believe in so many things. But the dating world is just not right people.

I haven't really been looking for a good while, and the few that have managed to enter my circle just don't seem to last. I have met some great guys, but they just aren't ready. And chances are when they are ready it won't be me they decide to date.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just the relationship triage nurse. They come to me with their wounds still fresh, and their bruised egos. They need someone to make life feel a little less lonely. And as awesome as I am-- because I am freaking awesome-- they just aren't ready to commit.

But oh well, it's OK. So many great and awesome people are just struggling out there. I shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that I struggle too. I just think the world of dating is too messed up.

The odds of me attracting this certain type, this type that just works so well for me, are very low. But despite the way things have turned out, I did learn some valuable things. And I have learned to spot negative behaviors, and understand better why they are negative for me.

Maybe one day we can fix what we have broken. Maybe one day we'll decide we want to have a different dating experience and try to be better for each other. But the damage is done. It's messed up out there. And in the mean time we are all getting so used to just being alone, that I think we start to try less and less.

There aren't plenty of fish out there. I don't know about you. But I don't have a long line of great options to chose from. I'm so tired of hearing, "There's lots of good guys out there." I'm so tired of people assuming I will actually manage to attract these "good guys". I think I am an awesome person, with great qualities, that would work well for building a healthy relationship. But I just don't think these guys will ever really care for me. There's just something about me. I'm just not what they are looking for. I just don't think it's going to happen.

I hope we can all decide to drink our bitter cup and be done with it. I hope we can let go of the past hurts. I hope we can stop calling each other names, and lumping each other together in negative stereotypes. I hope we can start to just be the person we would want to date. I hope we can chose to commit to being better for ourselves and each other. Lets stop being bitter and angry. We're all in this together people! Lets join forces instead of holding shit against each other. Lets give that new person the chance they deserve instead of killing the relationship with the hurts and heartaches of our last relationship. Lets just be open and honest with each other about our needs and wants. I hope we can all try to be better and do better. I hope we can fix the dating life.

Maybe You Don't Lie, But Are You Honest?

These past few weeks I have noticed a shift in myself. I attended a Christian Concert with a friend, and came to some realizations about myself. It was so great to feed my spiritual side. I have been so afraid to explore spirituality lately because of the roads I have gone down.

When you come to a point in your life where you say, "OK God, I will follow you. Not the church. Not the people. I will follow you. Lead me to where I need to go. Bring a good man into my life. I will listen to you and do what you ask." And then what follows is a string of disastrous relationships, it makes following God a little hard. Sure, those experiences helped you to grow and become better. Sure, they took you down paths that led you to other paths that have helped you become more who you are. But Still, when someone says, "After a string of bad relationships, I finally sat down and asked God to lead me to a good partner. And shortly after that I met my spouse." You start to wonder why your faith was not met with the same enthusiasm. So I decided to stop trying to define God. I decided to just sit back and observe. But I struggled with that because I wanted God to play a role in my life, and this way it felt like he was too absent.


I think we all need direction in life. I think we need a form of spirituality. Whatever form you choose is up to you. I choose God to be my center, my focus. But I think what is more important is that you take time every night to do a meditative practice. Quiet your brain and speak to your center and reaffirm what it is you are truly working towards in life. The world can get so noisy, and our other emotions can tempt us to stray. Keep in touch with your center, and I feel you will find more peace.

I had put off seeking that spirituality until I got my life back together. I was just too stressed and life was too chaotic. I kept saying, "Let me just get here, and then I will work on myself again."

Well this concert taught me that this was a dangerous rhetoric to have in my life. Like so many times, through being raised in the Mormon church and dealing with a certain culture, I had been taught to think I was never good enough. If something is going wrong in my life it's because I am not paying the piper right.

• Are you paying your tithes? 
• Are you going to church? 
• Are you studying your scriptures? 

Yes, yes and yes. Well then you must not be doing it in the right way or with the right amount of faith. Hmm. . . I guess I am just a person who lacks the faith and I will never have the faith I need to be worthy of God's blessings. 

I had now taken this thought process and applied it to my dating life.

• Are you working on yourself? 
• Are you focusing on you and your kids? 
• Do you truly love yourself? 

Yes, yes and yes. . . I mean. . . I think so. I try really hard. Hmm. . .well there must still be something you're doing that is causing you to attract these types. Why don't you try to keep working on yourself more?

These types of processes always lead me to the same place: giving up. And give up I had. If I wasn't good enough for a relationship than fuck that!!! I didn't give a shit anymore. If I'm not good enough I'm not ever going to be good enough so I'm done!!!! This same thing happened years ago with God. And that is when I started to let grace in. Now I needed to let grace in again.

You see, God was enough. Jesus was enough. I didn't need to do all these things to earn their love. They gave of their love freely. They were giving it to me, and I was too busy saying I didn't deserve it to just accept it. And this is what I am doing with relationships as well. So I dropped that rhetoric. And I just said, "I deserve love. I am worthy of love." And now everyday, when I wake up. . .when I am struggling. . . when I feel weak. . . or just when it comes to mind, I say, "Jesus give me love because I am worthy of love." It's cheesy I know, and remember God is MY center. This same process can be applied in your life however you feel comfortable applying it. But it has helped. Oh how it has helped.

I have dropped all those relationship words of advice. I have shed the criticisms and the hurts. And I have just moved on and been happy and in love with me and my life. The rain is still pouring down, but I am just smiling and carrying on.

The group I went to see was Adam's Road. I really appreciated their testimonies and their mission. If you want to check them out just google it. They are pretty awesome!

Now if you want to keep reading you are welcome to. I know this post is already long, but I'm going to share some things I have learned since I turned back to God.

This is where the title of the post comes into play. I have learned that all this advice people gave me, only caused confusion because I had already learned what I needed to learn. I think their advice was meant to be the same as what I was already applying to my life, but I felt it was different so I went back to my old habits and ways, thinking I was following the new advice. Make sense? Not really? That's OK it's not extremely important.

So I have long since been intrigued by attraction. What is attraction? Why do people seem to not acknowledge that we need attraction? Why don't people understand that my attraction for a romantic partner is different than my attraction for a friend? Why don't people understand that I want and need this attraction?

I ran into an old friend who also was interested in exploring attraction. And his theory was that we have needs we need to be met by a romantic partner, and we're attracted to certain people because we feel they have that something we need.

I had a pattern in my life of wanting a certain guy, but that guy not wanting me. I would loose that relationship and along would come some other guy. Usually a sweet friend, or someone I had an adoration for, but did not find attractive romantically. They confessed their love, so to speak, and their desire to fulfill my needs. And I started to feel attracted.
Did I? I don't know. Yeah I think they're cute. Maybe? Hmm. . . I need to see them again. Yeah, yeah I'm pretty sure I think they are attractive. Their voice kind of bugs me though. Not a big deal, not a big deal at all. We can't be picky right? No one is perfect Tricia. 
So I would date these guys, and I would go through a pattern of emotions myself. These relationships were usually marked as my longest, most successful relationships. But not my healthiest. But there was an issue. I did not like who I was in these relationships. My self esteem was low, everything was a fight and there was no way this could actually lead to happiness. Let me break down what I learned by highlighting the negative traits in myself and the things I think that caused them.

1. Codependency Mixed with My Partner Feeling Feeling a Lack- After looking back I think I figured out what caused most of the codependency. And it is the title of this post. This one is of the utmost importance because seemingly small things lead to big huge problems. Those small things are not being honest with yourself or your partner. When you withhold information, even the smallest bit of information, it can lead to that partner now being dependent on you. Say you make a decision. But to make that decision you pushed aside your own needs in the name of meeting your partners needs. Say you kept info from your partner that would allow them to be a part of making that decision- ie: Yes we could buy that, but it would have to go on the credit card. Instead of trusting your partner with the information needed to make a well informed decision you withheld information and, in a way, made a decision for them. It happens all the time. Not lying is one thing, but a harder one to recognize is not being open and honest. The simplest moments of open honesty can lead to a way more secure relationship. For example: Your partner says, "I need someone to talk to." Instead of pushing aside your needs at the time, or talking to them even though it is stressed, you honestly express your needs. "I can't talk right now because of *insert reason here*. Could I make some time to talk to you later?" Trust me it makes a world of difference. Be honest with yourself. Be honest about your needs. Then be honest with your partner. Trust them to take the info and make a mature and reasonable decision. Not to mention when you keep shoving your needs aside to meet their needs, needs that may not even matter that much if they understand the cost, a resentment starts to build up. And believe me when I say, you do not want to go down that road. That resentment leads to some very dark places. A more honest relationship with well established communication will create a return of a less codependent and much healthier relationship. 
2. Codependency Mixed with Anxious Stress- This one also ties into codependency. So these guys that I end up with usually expressed a desire to meet the basic, obvious needs in a relationship. They want to spend time with me. They make time for me. They offer to go places with me. And they are available and they pay attention to the things I like. Great right? So it would seem. But these were actually not my needs. It sounds nice, so nice. But in reality letting myself rely on the guys for these things, instead of maintaining my independence in those areas, killed my self esteem and my ability to stand on my own. Them meeting those needs soon becomes like a band aid. It doesn't actually help me, it just seems to help. And I become dependent on it and addicted like a drug. Soon I am consumed by anxious, excited stress. What they give is never enough. It could never be enough. I gave up my ability to provide what I needed for myself when I relied on them for it. And now I am putting a strain on this relationship that is not fair in the slightest. What are my actual needs? Who knows? I can tell you I don't mind going places by myself, I actually kind of like it. If you can come great! But if I put off doing something because I now don't want to go alone, not great. Having someone to talk to is nice, but if it comes at the price of that persons own mental health I don't need it. In reality I need is what was mentioned above, to be treated like a reasonable, mature and logical adult. An equal partner. Give me communication. Show me you trust me. Don't make me ask for information, give it to me freely. Establish a relationship of trust by doing the smallest of things, it can be done right at the beginning. And that is replying to messages. Not instantly. Not constantly. But show me that you will always reply eventually. Not lying guys. Its amazing how well this works. Don't leave me on "read" forever. And also offer info freely. Tell me why you can't reply right away, instead of leaving me to ask which causes me to feel like I'm an insecure jealous person. And once again establishes that you trust me to understand why you can't always reply. It does wonders!!!
3. Feelings of Worthlessness- This one  is rooted in the guys needs. Their needs are not adequately expressed. They usually express a basic need like the need for touch or cuddling, or the need to be desired. Needs aren't hard for me to meet, but usually I become incapable because I summed up their needs too simply. I had not been told otherwise what they needed, and now, even though I am meeting those basic needs, I am not enough. And then what happens to me? My self worth goes down the toilet. I start to feel like I will never be enough and I begin to stress and obsess about it. This also comes from another place. Most the time these guys have checklists. A list of items they want in a partner. And they are also trying to avoid the traits of their ex, so you are under the microscope for those things as well. Now you're constantly stressed about the fact that you like this guy, but that you may not meet all the qualifications outlined for the job. Even though you feel super willing to care for this person, and be there for them, you may not perform this one thing just right and then you will be shown the exit door. It is a stressful way to date, and a guy with a checklist is now not a guy for me. I am not mentally putting myself through that anymore. If you like me, if you enjoy my company and if I like you and I enjoy your company, lets spend time together. Simple as that. Lets have fun!!! Take the damn fear out of it, and lets just have fun please!
4. I'm Kind of a Bitch- To put it simply. . . yes, yes I am. When I go for these guys I often feel like I settled, and I become a brat. I feel that because I agreed to date them they should really appreciate me and how amazing I am. And when they don't I get kind of upset. I want to feel special. I want to feel like someone is grateful to have me in their life. And when I don't I'm left with a bitter taste. In an effort to avoid this negative trait of mine I try to turn things around. I try to notice what I appreciate about them. I try to be super grateful for them. I try to focus on their good traits that I feel lucky to have. And then this seems to create some sort of weird power play. They become the alpha, they still don't express their appreciation for me, and now they assume I am the "luck one" who should be so grateful they are dating me. I feel like I need a guy that I am grateful for at the beginning. Someone I am willing to humble myself for, and try to be better for. And hopefully this feeling is returned.

So this is where the attraction thing comes back into play. After my first marriage I set to stick with the guys I originally sought after, instead of settling for the one that comes along when I have lost what I wanted. I think this is why my needs were never actually being met, and I was having such negative responses to what should have been such a positive relationship. If my friends theory is true, the fact that I was not really attracted to these guys was probably because I knew they couldn't actually meet my real needs. My brain knew that, but I wanted to go for what was easy, so I convinced myself the other relationship was what I wanted. And in the end two people got stuck in a cyclone of bitterness and hurt because we were never going to be enough for each other. 

Sorry people that was long. Congrats if you are still here. Congrats if you actually read all of that and didn't just skim through it, like I sometimes do. I feel like I have made some real progress in life lately. I feel so much happier, and better about things. Life is still raining down it's shit storm on me, but I'm OK. I feel so much better about me and where I am at. I am taking care of myself better, and the stressed anxious sadness is gone. I don't know where life will take me. But I'm finding ways to be more content with where I am. I hope we all can find that place where we just let ourselves be worthy of the love we seek, and where we create a more honest relationship with ourselves and those around us.

You're Too Pretty to Cry, and Other Thoughts From Me

Tonight I went for a run. I always go for runs. There's nothing unusual about running. I mean, I kind of hate running, but still I run. But tonight I felt myself running from something. I've never run from emotions but tonight I wanted to believe I could.

Being pretty doesn't save you from heartache. Being pretty doesn't mean you have 100 amazing suitors lined up to date you. Don't mistake the fact that me getting hit on by guys mean I have tons of options. I have like -3 options. And when I find myself a good option. . . when I find someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me. . . someone who actually seems to be decent. . . they are usually so messed up from an ex that they are too heart broken to attempt to date.

I didn't expect this sadness to set in. I didn't expect it to be so deep and lingering. I didn't expect to feel it so fully. And I hate it. I hate it so much you know? I hate it because I know I'll be OK. I hate it because I have already found my happiness again, and yet I'm still sad. And I hate it because I don't know what to do.

I don't know if the hurt has passed. I don't know if missing someone is enough. I don't know if I'm thinking clearly. Is missing someone a sign that I'm ready to forgive and forget? Or is it just a natural byproduct of anything ending, bad or good? I never expected it to hurt this much. I thought I would come around. But the pain ran deeper than I thought it did, and it has taken a while for me to get to a place of understanding.

Usually I go through the sadness, the bitterness, the anger before I get to the happy and content part. This time I felt the happy/content part first. And even through the sadness, bitterness and anger I still felt that happiness and content. I know I'll be fine. But there's just no escaping this. It is what it is. No matter how you try to describe it a break up is a break up. It's going to hurt no matter how much you understand that it was necessary.

What's Been Going on With Tricia

So this is a different post. I'm mostly writing it to get my thoughts out because they need to go somewhere. I can't think straight anymore.

Most may know that life has been rough. I have had one disaster after another from expensive home repairs to just flat bad luck. When it rains it pours, and my attempts to try and stick it out and wait for the storm to pass were futile. The storm did not pass, it got worse. . .and worse. . .and worse. It was as though life was trying to kill any hope or self worth I had left. I lost my job, and I did my best to stay focused. I was planning to join the Army, and soon life would come back together. This was just temporary. Then the Army told me I didn't get the medic slot, and I was done. I slipped into a depression unlike anything I had experienced before. Life just felt hopeless. I called my friend crying saying I just couldn't take it anymore. People tried to present me with career paths but I couldn't bring myself to care about anything else. I had just lost an option that would help me get to a career I have wanted to do since I was in Jr High. I struggled everyday. I felt like there wasn't anything worth looking forward to. Lets face it, things were never going to get better. Where was the motivation to go on? I even tried convincing myself that my kids would be better off without me. But that was a lie even I couldn't believe.

In situations like these I would usually give up, so I forced myself to keep trying. I turned to other branches of the military. I tried to find medic slots in the National Guard, but it just wasn't working. I was so tired and strung out I just couldn't think about going to basic training anymore, or being away for six months. I had been in survival mode for a while. I still am in survival mode. How could I deal with the stress of the military on top of all this?  I had been powering through every single day. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I did little to upkeep my mental health. And in the midst of this chaotic mess of tiredness and stress I met a guy.

He was a friend I had met before at one of those rucking events I'm always going on about-- yeah I'm annoying. And we got together so I could ask him more questions about the military. We seemed to hit it off, and for once something happened that hasn't happened in a long time: a guy seemed as motivated to spend time with my as I was to spend time with him. It all seemed too good. There wasn't a leap to take here. It wasn't a risk. It seemed practically guaranteed. He said things that led me to believe he was planning on us being together for the long foreseeable future. So I had to stop and decide if I was ready for this too. I decided it seemed worth pursuing and jumped on board. The only issue was. . .well. . .there were issues. . .and he wasn't ready to commit. But he talked about wanting to do things together, even things that were a year out. So I decided to still give it a shot. He seemed to be a sweet, honest and good guy. And honestly he is those things. I had not met someone like this in a while. I didn't even think it was possible to meet someone like this. But I fear, with the inability to commit on his part, this may have been a mistake.

See my life was too stressful. As long as the relationship seemed to relieve that stress it seemed great. But when it became a stress too. . . it got hard.

My self worth was low. I had recovered maybe some of it, but everyday was a different story. Who knew when life would throw another failure in my face? They were coming at me like crazy lately. And because of this his inability to commit became a breeding ground for insecurities. I wasn't ready to be treated like a girlfriend one minute, and then reminded, yet again, he couldn't offer commitment the next. I wasn't ready to be held under the light and examined, picked and prodded at, brushed over with fine toothed comb to make sure I don't have traits like his ex wife. I wasn't ready to have my flaws highlighted as red flags that gave him concerns about pursuing things with me. He had his reasons to fear, and be insecure, and not trust. We all are broken. I just wasn't in a state to deal with these things. I did my best to understand him, and his point of view. I knew where he was coming from, and we communicated about things a lot. Please do not look at this as though he is a monster. We're all train wrecks, and under different circumstances I could have handled his train wreck better. I was just still stuck in my own train wreck.

Since I have not been mentally strong I have simply turned to old coping mechanisms and bad habits. I started to feel more anxious and stressed. Codependency reared its ugly head. Going out and doing things alone became depressing and sad. I didn't want to do anything anymore. It was so nice to have someone to do stuff with again. I just wanted to get back to spending time with him. I became the person I hate, relationship me, old relationship me. A relationship that had just started, that was new and fun, went straight to not fun way too fast. And he was stressed too, so it only added to it. This relationship was not mature enough to handle that stress. We needed more of the fun.

There was eventually a talk and an agreement to pick up things later. But right now, I'm just trying to turn the focus back onto me, and not hold out, or hope for, anything. I'm trying to finally work on myself like I should have been doing all a long. Honestly there was a sense of relief felt when it ended. Suddenly having to do things alone wasn't sad and depressing. I was actually getting excited about getting back to my life where doing stuff alone wasn't hard.

So moral of the story is this. In the single world you will hear this all the time: Hurt people hurt. Why do I mention all this? Because we're BROKEN!!! Be aware of your broken. Be honest with yourself. Make sure you are really ready to date because this thing was supposed to be something fun and amazing, but it ended up adding stress to my already stressful life. I didn't need to deal with all this on top of everything else, and I should have recognized that myself. But I didn't. And you know what it's OK. We have all been that broken person who probably hurt someone by moving on to fast. I knew I was broken and have done my best to stay away from the dating world. I have tried to work on things myself and discuss things about dating to get ideas and theories, so a lot of people keep suggesting forms of dating I should try. Men seem to not take me seriously when I tell them I don't want to date. I mean, you're single, of course you're interested in dating right? No!!! No I really am not in a good place to date. I decided to take a chance on something because it seemed like a guarantee that it would be great. I did my best to be a healthy person in the relationship. But soon it just became something that highlighted the insecurities I already had. And it really set me back.

Just make sure you're ready. Hurt people really do hurt. That doesn't mean you need to be 100%. It means you need to recognize that you are not 100% and just be honest with yourself and the other person about your wants and needs.

Relationships are bull shit people!!! I'm in a sinking ship with loads of dating advice pulling me down. My head is spinning and I can't do it anymore. I need to clear my head and get rid of all this advice garbage. I'm just doing my best to focus on me now.

What's This GORUCK thing?

So about every week I post pictures of me, and my handsome pack, out on a hike somewhere. And about once every few weeks I make a post bugging my friends to join me in a GORUCK event. Some may be asking what is GORUCK? The majority are probably not too concerned with finding out the answer. But either way I'm going to tell you. Actually I'm not going to tell you. Simply google GORUCK and let them tell you. Then when you have questions, which you probably will, you can ask me.

I will try to describe a little about what I do when I am out there taking pics of me and my pack. So if you see me hiking with my fancy pack it usually means I am carrying weight. I carry about 25lbs of weight in my pack, plus water and whatever else. Sometimes I take the weight out if I'm on a new hike, and I'm not sure how its going to be. But most the time I have the weight.

Why do I take those fancy pics? I like to take pics of the places, that me and my pack go, to share with the other crazy people in the group, that also do the crazy GORUCK thing, like me.

How did I get involved? Funny story. I read an article about a young man riding his bicycle across the USA. One of his sponsor's was GORUCK. I researched it a little when I noticed him referring to it during his bike ride. But I didn't quite get it. Then one night he, very excitedly, told me about GORUCK, but not too much-- no joke, it was really hard for me to fully grasp the concept of what this was at first. I was being kind of a brat, but I had a crush on the guy so I looked into. And after looking into it. . .I was still confused as to what it was. Then he told me to do an event. I rolled my eyes. Yeah right dude, I have never even heard about this, I doubt there's even stuff going on in Utah. Well, low and behold, they did do events out here. And I finally decided to put my bad attitude aside and I signed up for a light.

So last year in May, I did my first GORUCK challenge. And I was still a little unsure what to think. But hey when you like a guy you tend to just go with it, am I right? I joined the Facebook group, for people who have completed challenges, and after a month or so of being completely confused and overwhelmed by all the information-- it's almost like learning a new language. I kind of started to catch on. And I started taking my pack out with me more. And I started taking more pics. And. . .eventually the guy that introduced me to GORUCK. . .well we had a falling out.

So here I was, part of this thing, that didn't really feel like my thing. I got into it because of a guy I wasn't even talking to anymore. We were supposed to do our next event together, and I was kind of lost as to what to do with this whole GORUCK thing. Was it something I wanted to stick with? I didn't know. So I just kept hiking with my pack and I just kept taking pics. Then after a while I decided to try and get more actively involved with the local group. I started scheduling more rucks within the group, and I started trying to get some more people involved. But when it came to doing another event I was dragging my feet. 

So then came the day when I told myself I just needed to sign up for an event and do it. I felt like I was lurking in the Facebook group. Me acting like a GRT when all I had done was one light. I needed to try and do more. If I was going to participate in other ways, it only made sense that I needed to participate in their events too. So I sucked it up and I signed up. . .then I canceled and signed up for another one. . .then I thought about canceling that one as well.

But I stuck with it. And it was hard. The event was in November, around Veteran's Day. I kept asking myself why I thought a cold weather event sounded like a good idea. 

So here's how the even went down. The week or so before the event, my plumbing started acting weird. I eventually found out I had a break in the main line running from the house. Sewage backed up into the tub daily. I couldn't run my washer or my dish washer. My kids couldn't take baths. I couldn't take showers. We had to go to my parents' house for everything. The day of the event I took off work so I could rest. The Tough events start at night, and go through until morning, so I wanted to be well rested that day. Well, my youngest woke up that morning at 4 AM throwing up. One round, and our tub and toilet were already out of order. He woke up again an hour later, and puked in my bed. Goodbye rest! I had to rinse off my sheets outside with a bucket and water from the outside spout. They were freezing to the the cement within the few minutes it took me to refill the bucket. Then I took me, my sick kid and my sheets to my Mom's house. I tried to rest there for a minute. Then back to my house to get the kids off to school. What now? Do I still go? I have no bed to rest in. I had not even gotten enough sleep prior to the bed mess. What did I do? Well, I said to Hell with it. If I can't complete it, I can't complete it. So I went to the health food store and asked the associate some strangely worded questions about needing some things to help me get through this event thing, I couldn't even really describe-- he did a great job helping me, by the way. And then I chilled out in my recliner the rest of the day, drinking protein shakes and carb loading.

Then came time for the event. It was a chilly night of walking around Salt Lake city, with our weighted packs, while also carrying other weights as a team. And a there were some other things in between. It was hard, and I didn't do great. But I made it. I even made it through a chilly morning dip in a pond.

Then I had to make the hour long drive home, I had to stop a couple times a long the way. When I pulled up to my house my front yard was being dug up for the sewage repairs. I went to my parents house to shower. Then came home, and crashed in my recliner-- my bed still wasn't made from the puking incident the night before. I woke up in a haze, and I really, really had to go to the bathroom, but my bathrooms were out of order. So I had to stumble out the door and drive down the street to the local grocery store. I walked out of the grocery store, a little dazed and confused, with very little recollection of what actually went on in there. I made it to the bathroom, that much I know for sure. That night I crashed, and I crashed hard. It took a week or so to fully recover. But the event was more fun than it was miserable, and I am glad I did it.

So why do I do this stuff? To best answer that you should just do an event yourself. What I like about GORUCK is that its about learning to work as a team. It's not about being the strongest and best, it's about helping everyone get through it. The people are what make GORUCK awesome, and to meet the people you have to do an event.

I also want to mention that at each event they like to do some form of service. So for our event everyone helped me put together a couple care packages for out troops. They did an amazing job!!!

So that is my GORUCK story. I'm still not 100% sure why I actually got involved in GORUCK,  but now I just sort of go with it. If you ever want to come with me, on one of my little hikes, feel free. I might convert you to the GORUCK ways.

Solving the Worlds Problems

You! Yes you! Have you ever tried to solve the worlds problems? Have you ever tried to find the solution to inner peace and happiness? Have you ever assumed you knew what someone needed or wanted? These were things I tried to do. I was determined to set out in life and find these answers. I was determined to live and learn, and seek out the things I needed to, to find how to be happy in life. To find how to be happy in love. To find how to be at peace. Well, my friends I'm sorry to say I don't have all the answers.

Have you ever noticed the impressions people get of you. People say stuff back to me and I'm like, "huh? What are you talking about?"

"You just need to be more confident."

"You just need to believe in yourself."

"You just don't see how awesome your are."

These phrases and more have been knocked around a million times, am I right? I mean there were times when people told them to me and I was like, "You're probably right." But in reality I kind of always thought I was a pretty awesome person. I tend to try and convince myself I'm not because, well, when you go out in the world thinking your awesome and then get served a piece of humble pie, it can kind of sting. And I guess me trying to tell myself I'm not great or I'm not worth it, is a defense mechanism. There were probably times I actually did believe it because it's what I had been telling myself for so long. There were times I just wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe I was nothing and worth no ones time because it was just too painful. It was too painful to try and go on. But people see me do this and create this perception of me that I lack confidence and self esteem. 

Our perceptions of one another are tainted. We as people see what we want to see. We understand things from our perspective and its hard not to reflect our perspective onto others. We can have an idea of what others are going through, but as we try to relate I think we start putting our image on others and giving them our problems. Then when we've given them our problems we try to give them our solutions.

I struggle with this. And I have had to learn to step out of my world and realize that I'm just built differently then others, and that I don't know how I would be, or how I would feel if I was living this other persons life. Its actually something I can't really do very well. haha! I mean I have my life. I was raised in Utah, in the LDS church. My parents never divorced. I was raised to want a marriage, and a family. I was taught to not want for things, and I was taught to enjoy what I could afford and what was reasonable. I had twins first, then the other two followed within the next three years. I have all boys. I'm a young mother. My marriage didn't work out. My husband cheated on me. My experiences with relationships has never been greatly positive. I am me. And all these thing affect how I see the world. And that's something I can't change. I can do my best to empathize with others, but it's still difficult to fully understand other people, how they work, where they are truly at and what motivates their choices.

Sometimes I wish I could solve problems. I think I have an understanding of how to live and what is right, and then that understanding gets changed when I find myself encountering other lifestyles. I believe in God and the Savior. I follow them and I have my own interpretation of what they truly want from me. And every once and a while I have to step back and remember that I can only truly know what they want from me, and that sometimes I don't even understand that. So who am I to say what they may want from others. I've been led to people. People who I thought would become positive parts of my life. Men I thought I would marry and find happiness with. Each time a person came into my life I assumed I knew why. And then I would get a total shock and surprise when when the relationship ended, or made a different turn. I would sit there in shock and think, "But I swear, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I swear it was what the Lord was directing me to do." Then I realized that, even though the relationships didn't turn out the way I hoped they would, they still played key rolls in helping me learn and grow and become something more. I can walk away knowing I did what the Lord asked, and I learned what I was supposed to learn.

I just need to stop assuming. I need to stop thinking I have control. That I am "I dream of Jeanie" with my prayers saying, "I wish for a husband," and poof he appears. I need to remember that the people brought into my life are brought in for many different reasons, and that to let that be OK. I also need to remember, as I look at others, that I don't have the answers for them either. They are here to do what they feel they need to do, and who am I to assume that I know what they need and what they need to get out of life.

We're all so very different, and that is a beautiful thing. There are universal truths, and then there are personal truths and I think sometimes we get the two mixed up. We're here to learn from each other, and not every answer is going to be the same on everyone's test called "life".

I am striving to find a way to be a peace. I am constantly looking for God's hand in all of this. This world is a crazy place and sometimes I turn to the Lord, with a broken heart, asking him, "Why? Why must we live in a place where such terrible things happen? Why must there be so much pain and suffering? Why Lord? I don't understand." Life can be a gloriously, wonderful, happy, joyful little shit show that will pull the rug out from under you the minute you think you have it figured out. Life is beautiful and sucks all at the same time. We can only perceive a small piece of the world, and it will always be seen through our eyes only, with our little brand of perspective. And that is what I have to remember. That what I see is just a small portion. Trust in the Lord. The path I walk is not one of ease, but it's one full of lessons and growing. And I hope I continue to learn the things I need to learn as I seek to know God better.

Dressed to Impress

I remember being at the BYU pool, at a swimming activity for kids with special needs. I watched each week as volunteers were turned away for having a two piece swimsuit. I'm not talking about a bikini. I'm not talking about a tankini. I'm talking about a two piece swimsuit that covers the same amount of surface as a tank top and booty shorts. I even watched as a special needs child was not allowed to swim because she wore a two piece swimsuit(a tank top with bikini cut bottoms)too.
"This is ridiculous!" I said
"Well it's understandable. I mean she could be swimming and her top could float up and show her stomach." Replied a co-worker.

Oh right. See I forgot. Seeing someone's stomach could condemn your soul to Hell (?)

Why am I sharing this? Did I dislike this co-worker? No she was sweet, and she saw a different view point than I did. What I felt was ridiculous she saw as no big deal. Not a problem.

Do I dislike BYU? Well. .  .let's not go there. But even if I have a certain opinion of BYU, their rules are their rules. And their rules happen to be that only one piece swimsuits are allowed in their pool, no exceptions. Rules are rules, and it's a private institution that offered it's facilities for a good cause. Their rules should be respected.

I share because the intent behind this rule was to be sure that those swimming at the pool are dressed in a tasteful, and modest, suit. But my problem with the rule is that restricting swimsuits to "one piece only" does little to help solve the actual problem they are trying to prevent.

Often times rules are made with a good intention from a lesson learned by another. But what is lost in the making of the rule is the learning of that lesson. And soon it simply becomes about following a rule, or living by a checklist, instead of seeking out the intent and truly understanding why the rule was put in place. Then comes in letter of the law, shaming, guilt, etc. We don't get taught why not to do something we're just told it's bad. Then we look for every proof as to why that behavior is bad and why it leads to unhappiness.

I was raised LDS(BYU is owned by the LDS church). I was told living this lifestyle may seem restrictive, but the restrictions kept me free from things like addiction or getting used or abused and would lead me to living a happier, fuller, life. Is this entirely false? No I don't think so. I think that some of the things taught in the church can keep you from doing some very self destructive things. But I also feel the intent behind these restrictions is becoming lost. We're taught that living a certain way (i.e. going to a bar on occasion or having coffee in the morning)ultimately leads to unhappiness. But I see a lot of people live by the rules who aren't any more, or less, happy than anyone else.

I have been LDS my entire life. I followed the rules even when I didn't want to. I was told it would make me happier in the end. But. . .it didn't. It wasn't a terrible way to live, but it hadn't brought the blessings and happiness I was promised.

So I started to experiment. I started seeking out people who lived lifestyles different from the way I was raised to live. Some were happy. Some were not. Some followed God with all their hearts. Others were seeking direction elsewhere. But their lives weren't any better, or worse than mine. And all their experiences had taught them important things about life.

Among one of my experiments was how I dressed. I was growing tired of wearing t-shirts under everything. I was tired of having to modify my clothing. And I started to wonder if dressing this way was even something I really wanted to do, or if I was simply doing it because of culture pressures. So I decided to shed Mormon modesty rules and just dress how I really wanted to. Maybe I'd go back to dressing how I always had: a t-shirt under everything. Maybe I'd find the church was right and dressing within these guidelines did lead to a happier life. Or maybe I'd simply find it didn't matter what I wore as long as I was true to myself and felt comfortable.

For those who don't know an endowed LDS member of the church is supposed to wear clothing that covers the garment. This means knee length shorts and skirts and your top must have sleeves of some sort. Your top can also not go too low in the front or too low in the back.

It has now been a year. 

A year where I just came home and put my short workout pants on because I was hot from work and they were more comfortable. 

A year since I just wore dresses how I really wanted to instead of modifying them with t-shirts and boleros. 

It's been a year since I just threw on a tank top and enjoyed the sun on my shoulders.

Yep it has been a year. And this is what I have to say: Get those effing t-shirts away from me!!!

I thought I'd go back. I thought I'd think it was no big deal. But I never wanted to go back. I never felt guilty or ashamed. I never felt like God was disappointed. I never felt like he abandoned me or I lost his protection.

I did feel truer to myself. I felt like I had made the choice and didn't just do something because I was told to. And I felt like me seeking this out actually brought me closer to God and helped me understand Him better.

The rules we were given on how we dressed were meant to keep us safe. We were told it was to keep us from giving boys the "wrong idea". We were told it  was about respecting ourselves.

The problem is that dressing within these guidelines does not automatically guarantee anything. A person dressed within these guidelines can still give guys the "wrong idea". And it doesn't necessarily keep you safe. And respect. . .respect comes from within.

The thing is is that we shouldn't do things out of fear. Fear causes us to lose our agency. We should make smart healthy decisions. And you can make smart, healthy decisions about a number of things in life. Even those things we may have been taught to avoid at all costs.

What I learned from my experiment was this:

-How I dressed didn't change how respected I was. Guys weren't  suddenly assaulting me all the time.

-I wasn't unhappier.

-I didn't feel less blessed.

-I didn't loose respect for myself.

Each of us chooses how to live. Things that work for one person don't work for all. Someone may feel something is absolutely necessary for them, another may feel they don't need that to accomplish the same things.

Alcohol does not always equal unhappiness. Drinking a glass of wine to help you relax doesn't seem much different to me than taking a sleeping pill.

Coffee does not always equal an unhealthy addiction. Energy drinks and taking caffeine pills is not a healthier option.

Wearing a tank top does not suddenly lead to being disrespect. Disrespect doesn't have to do with the length of your sleeves in my eyes.

Avoiding things that are criticized by the LDS church does not automatically free you from the harm that those things are said to bring about. 

There are a number of ways to manage life's ups and downs. What works for one may not work for another. The important thing is that the choice be an educated one. And that a person feels centered and rational when they make that choice.

There is more than one way to live a good healthy life. Just because some choose to follow some rules does not mean all those who do not follow those rules are dwindling in despair. For me the most important thing to do is to seek God daily, pray often and be true to myself. What I choose may not fit a certain checklist. But if I am comfortable with who I am, and make my choices based on what I  want, not because I am trying to Impress or fit in, I'll be much happier.

That's why I did what I did. I wanted it to be my choice. I didn't want to dress a certain way just because I was afraid what others might think. So I made my choice. It's what I felt was best for me. My choice shouldn't be seen as a threat or invalidation to another persons beliefs. Do what you feel is best, what is true to you. And my choice also shouldn't be used as a negative example. I can honestly guarantee that I am just as happy, if not happier, as ever. And that I struggle, and succeed, as much as I did before. 

And I hope everyone does what they feel is truly best for them. Whatever that may be. 

Any Dream Will Do. . .

I have to admit. I do have a dream. It's kind of embarrassing and I'll probably get made fun of for it. Ever since I was young------er, like pre-marriage/divorce, I have had a dream that one day I could sing a duet, with Donny Osmond, on stage. I know right! Pretty awesome dream! I mean it's not in any way lame, embarrassing, cliche Mormon, etc. No, it is a totally legit dream!

Make fun all you want. I do totally *heart* Donny Osmond, and I do wish I could sing a duet with him. It would be pretty awesome in my book!

I pulled up videos of Donny Osmond performing in Joseph and the. . . .(Hopefully you know how the rest of that title goes). And it brought back some fond memories. This was one of those Broadway albums that I listened to over and over again, trying my best to learn the part of The Narrator. And, yes, I would even act it out in my front room sometimes. Donny received high praise for his acting abilities in Joseph. . . .and I totally would not take any other cast recording other than the one with Mr. Osmond as the lead (P.S. if you want the one with Donny I believe its the Canadian Cast).

It was fun to watch my kids take an interest in the videos, I may have to get the DVD. But it got me thinking about my life and my dreams, and if I really even have any.

I live life day to day. I don't think that far into the future. I don't really try to plan for the future. I'm just trying to survive the here and now. It's hard for me to sacrifice now in hopes of a better future because I just want to make sure we can get by, so I do my best to make that happen.

It was interesting  to watch Joseph get sold into slavery and get sent to prison, and all the other things that happened to him before he rose up to the top. It's interesting how horrible of a situation he found himself in, but it was exactly the situation that lead to him becoming a great leader in Egypt. Strange what life does to us. Not many find themselves lower than Joseph found himself, and yet somehow he managed to rise so far above it.

I look around at my life. How little resources I feel I have. How little options I can see. I'm not a talented person. I don't have any skills or training that would make me of value in the workplace. . .or. . .well anywhere or to anyone. I don't really know what to do with my life. Sometimes I just sit back and try to see what happens, go where the wind takes me. Then sometimes I think about if I should take initiative and go back to school, but a million subjects I should study pop up and. . .I just don't know what to do.

I once dreamed about becoming an actor and performing on stage. I went to school for it. I sought out jobs in that field. I studied Broadway and musicals. I paid for voice lessons. I practiced singing and acting in my living room at night. I wanted to go to New York. I wanted to make it big! But I don't know if I ever saw that as a real reality or just a silly dream. I mean it is kind of silly, but people do do it. People who aren't shy and crippled by stage fright that is. And people who have more than just an average voice and average looks. Lets face it. I didn't stand out in theater, and I probably never would. Plus working at a certain professional theater in Utah kind of killed my theater buzz. And dreams like this don't work well when you have kids.

I mean should we have dreams? Should we have things we want to do? Is going wherever life takes you a plan in and of itself? Should I seek more direction? Should I set a goal and strive to achieve it? What do I want out of life? Hmmm. . . .Its hard to think of something when you feel like you have nothing, but Joseph had nothing too. But he also sort of went where the wind took him. . .

I don't know what the answers are. I don't know what my dreams are. I love to write, so I start blogs. I have even started some books, and one is almost complete. I think if I were to choose something. I would choose that, and I would put my focus there. But I have to admit that dream of publishing a book, that people actually like, is one of those fantasies I never cared to imagine as being real. Just a nice little dream to help put me to sleep at night.

No, I have no answers. I don't know what my dreams or goals are. I just go where the wind. . .well you know the rest. I seek God's guidance and try my best to go where he leads me. I guess my life will be just as much a mystery to me as it is to the fine folk who choose to read these posts.

Any dream will do. . .will see what dreams may come in my life.

Take 3 Inches. . .

It was January 1-- I know, I know, cliche New Years Resolution-- when I decided to take on a challenge. I have dieted before. I have lost weight before. I have managed to maintain a weight that I am happy with. But I always let things stand in my way of really taking it to the next level.

Things I'd tell myself like:

• Oh, I'm just not that type of person.
• I'm not capable of achieving anything like that.
• My body is just built a certain way

And. . .

• My body is just messed up from having babies.

But I have seen some friends embark on their own fitness challenges. And what struck me most was not the physical transformation, but the mental transformation as well.

Challenges, no matter what they are, are always going to shape us. Taking something that we have always convinced ourselves is unattainable and then attaining it does remarkable things for the mind, body and soul.

I didn't want to sell my self short any longer. I wanted to become stronger, faster and better. I wanted to feel more capable-- something very important to a single mom. So I gave myself a challenge.

Starting on January first-- so I guess technically a New Years Resolution-- I decided to exercise an hour a day, 5 days a week and watch what I eat a little bit better. Here are the results.

BEFORE

AFTER

It is crazy to look in the mirror and think, "Does that really belong to me?" I had some goals to help keep me on track-- like a GORUCK event and an overnight hike coming up. But I really don't want this to be about goals. I want it to be a lifestyle-- which is also why I didn't want to place it in the New Years Resolution category. I want to work hard to keep this up. I love how I look. But mostly. . .I LOVE HOW I FEEL!!!

I got rid of my scale after my third baby, so I don't have any numbers for you. I like it better that way though. I have had to measure my waist a couple of times, per request of friends getting me a gift, and I think I had lost 3 inches. I'm not really sure. But like I said. This is how I like to do it. I obsessed about the scale way too much. It was causing so much stress. I just like saying, "Hey these pants are feeling tight again, it's time to watch what I eat a little better," and then looking in the mirror and seeing results instead of being stressed by a number that isn't changing as fast as I want it to.

Now I'm not going to lie, sometimes I look in the mirror and don't feel any skinnier. Sometimes I see that my clothes are way baggier but just can't see how my body looks all that different. But how I feel? That's what counts. I feel stronger, I feel better. I can take my kids out and carry them on my back without tiring out quickly. I am more capable at lifting and moving things around the house. Exercises that were hard are becoming easier. It feels GREAT!!! I feel more comfortable out in public. I feel more confident. I just feel good!

I wish I could upload the video I made so that it could do the explaining for me. But blogger says it is too large-- whatever! So instead I will show you some pictures. Please try not to cry. Sometimes I want to cry, so its OK. I just wanted to try and show the issue I have with excess skin from my twins. 

These pictures are a little older, but not too much older. It was maybe a month or two ago. I wanted to share this because, even as I get myself into better shape, the shape of my body remains unique. Having this excess skin was part of what held me back. It made me think my body wasn't worth putting much more effort into it. The skin was always going to be there so whats the point. So instead of trying to hide it in shame I just started embracing it. Maybe I don't have a perfectly flat smooth tummy. Maybe I still get discouraged when clothing clings to my tummy so unattractively. But my body is unique. It has it's own unique story that tells about all the amazing things it has done. Is it hard to look in the mirror sometimes? Yes. But not because I'm ashamed. Sometimes it's just hard because I morn for my body and the sacrifice it had to make. I guess it seems kind of like a pity party, but for me it's solemn respect, a moment of silence and maybe a tear or too. I wear this badge proudly, even though it isn't necessarily beautiful to me, it's unique. 

My advice to you is to look at yourself, and see where you are putting the "I can't's" into your life. What is holding you back? You don't have to set some outlandishly crazy goal. I have four kids, I work full time and I have a house to take care of. I didn't pick some crazy exercise and diet routine I knew would wear me down. I picked something doable, something attainable, something that fit well with me. And I have seen results. So don't look at the impossible, look at how you can make what feels impossible possible. And if what you choose happens to be about getting in shape and loosing weight, well learn to love your body for all that it is, in all stages. Your body is yours, it isn't anyone else's. It won't be perfect in every area, but the improvements will still be outstanding! And how you feel on the inside will be the best part! 

I'm Feeling Quite the Novelist Today

Cincinnati, OH

We rounded a corner of the tight city streets. We had driven around the block a couple of times in search of parking place that did not put us at risk of getting a ticket, and that was hopefully within walking distance of our destination of choice. He had put a lot of thought into trying to find a place formal enough to suit my attire, but still within a decent price range. I felt a bad that my outfit had caused such a dilemma. I even offered to change. I'm quite terrible at overdressing for occasions. At least if your judgement of such is based upon the reactions I receive. I dress to my level of comfort. T-shirt and jeans don't seem to suit me all that well. The clothes people exchange at the end of the night for ones of more comfort, are usually the clothes that leave me feeling the most at ease. Sweatpants and hoodies are attire meant for working out and cleaning, and even then I feel anxious. The dress I selected for this night was one I had bought in my early twenties. Before I even got married. It was not a dress considered acceptable for a girl of my upbringing to wear. But I couldn't resist how well it flattered my curves. Not to mention that it was on sale. This was the first time I had worn it, I mean really worn it. I had put it on before with several accompanying pieces to try and make it acceptable for my hometown. But tonight I wore it as it was meant to be worn.

He turns to me and says, "You don't dress like the people here."

I can't remember how the conversation went on from there. I'm sure I asked something like, "Is that a bad thing?" And he went on to describe that the people their dressed very casually, not flashy, just normal clothes, no bright colors or fancy attire and they didn't wear flowers in their hair.

"You said you liked the flower." I replied. I think offered to take it out. But he said to leave it and confirmed that he did like it.

"I don't dress like the people from where I'm from either." I say. He seems a little surprised.

My home state tends to be more on the casual side as well. You do have quite a few artistic and eccentric people here and there that will have a taste to bring a little classic classiness into their wardrobe. But even so, my taste for the dramatic, my love of all things old fashioned and my strange desire to wear things a little more low cut and form fitting then most tends to leave me sticking out like a coffee drinker on our local college campus.

We find a parking space, exit the car and proceed to walk to the restaurant. It's strange how walking beside this man feels so comfortable and natural, and yet so unbelievable. If I wrote the story down it may make for a decent novel. As of now a novel with an ending unknown. I myself can't fully understand how all of this came about. Even though I am the one who lived it.

I still remember that Saturday morning. I was about to head somewhere, don't ask me to recall. I had just gotten all dressed up, as I do on the weekends.

My work requires more casual attire then I prefer. Wearing scarves in your hair or fancy boots is not only a waste of ones efforts, but is also a risk to your safety. On the weekends I can't wait to shed my manly looking clothes, and slip on something more feminine. I use the weekends to remind myself that I am still a young and attractive female. Those two days of the week are when I feel most in my element.

As I was saying, on this Saturday morning after I had finished getting dressed, I glanced at my Facebook to look see if anything exciting had popped up on my news feed. I scrolled and scrolled through various status updates and pictures of people displaying their weekend activities. I scrolled and scrolled and then I stopped. Something had caught my eye. There it was. His picture with an article posted on Glen Beck's page. Why I contacted him I don't really know. Thinking back to it now, how little I knew of him and how I first approached him leaves me a little red in the face. But it had to start somewhere. And without that message I would never be where I am today.

Catching an early morning plane

Denver Airport, ripe with conspiracy. . .my favorite!

I've been on trips I never thought I would dare to take. Twice, I have set foot in a state I never gave much thought to in the past. I have since fallen in love with that state. I have worn clothes I always loved but never dared to display out in public for all to see. I have tasted things I never thought would touch my lips. And I have made friends, amazing friends, who have shown me beautiful examples of kindness and love.

We take our seats in the giant booth table. I am sitting across from a man who's life differs so greatly from anything I have ever known. We grew up a thousand miles apart. Our cultures are vastly different. Trying to describe them to one another is like a fish trying to tell a bird how it breaths underwater. Neither of us can fully understand or comprehend. And yet we can talk for hours. Somehow we have things in common. Somehow he understands me better than most. It's not hard to feel comfortable around him. I find that to be so strange. Two people so different, and yet so much alike.

However, no matter how much we talk, or how comfortable I begin feel, there will always be fear. A fear of being hurt. A fear of not being accepted just as I am. It's a fear embedded in me from my past. I can't shake it. Though at times I desperately wish that I could.

The highest point of the City

Most people will never fully know the real me. I am a big, raging pot of boiling personality. Each part of me making a passionate plea to come to the surface to be released. Some people may catch glimpses of the varying sides of my personality. The vast differences that stretch out in opposite directions, just as the East does from the West. They all somehow come together to make up one singular person. To describe myself is a monologue I have never dared to write. At times you will catch little glimpses of me in varying degrees. But most of my personality lays in reserve. It only comes out in secret. In those times when I'm alone. My shyness, and fear of not being liked are to thank for that. I keep certain parts of me from ever fully coming to the surface. Which is probably for the benefit of all mankind because I am pretty intense. Bursting with joy one minute. Raging in anger the next. Some days I'm sluggish and moody. Some days I buy lingerie just because. I seem to keep people guessing. Even those that think they know all there is to know. I like to keep changing. I like to keep growing. People make a mistake of putting me in a box. Claiming that this is what I am and all I ever will be. I only see this as challenge. A challenge to completely shock them.

 My first time rock climbing. Loved it!

This little boiling pot of personality has it's disadvantages though. It's hard for me to keep friends. Perhaps because I fail to meet peoples expectations. Perhaps because I break free of the assumptions people have made and they don't care to try and figure me out from there. Or maybe it's because I tend to change so much.

A few years ago you wouldn't recognize for what I am now. I grew up a Mormon. I was raised in the LDS church in Utah. I have no regrets for how I was raised. It kept me from making choices that would have emotionally destroyed me at the time. I didn't attend wild high school parties. I never tasted a sip of alcohol. Coffee had never once been given the opportunity to wake me up in the morning. I hardly ever uttered a swear word. At times I would get more comfortable with the "shits" and the "damns" and my favorite was usually "jackass". But I would usually pull back and clean my mouth up by going back to the "craps" and the "dangs"-- I would still use jackass though because that word just says it all. I had never, ever uttered the f-word. I didn't even think it. Now I seem to use it way too f#@%ing  much. I used to be able to fit nicely among my fellow church members. I could talk the talk and walk the walk. But now I just I struggle to start conversations and walk away fumbling, tripping and stumbling.

Skyline Chili, a craving I was never supposed to have

Truth be told I was never a very good Mormon. I carry the values and the lessons I have been taught with me as I continue on my journey. I do not regret the person the church has helped me to become. But I am finding that, my whole life, I have been trying to be something that I'm not. Something that I just can't stick to. I don't have the passion to wake up for 9:00 AM church on my day off. I don't have the drive to serve in a calling when I can barely get a handle on my everyday life. I have probably missed more church then I have attended. And the more I set foot into a world I was told to fear the more I find there was nothing to fear at all. There is so much more to learn out there. It's not about living a life opposite of the one I was raised in. It's not about rebellion. I mean maybe it's a little about rebellion. I am pretty rebellious. It's not about becoming dangerous, dark and scary. No, it's about expounding on the knowledge I already have. It's about finding God in places I never thought I would. It's about throwing assumptions, all assumptions, out the window, as I fly down the highway of life, shouting, "I know nothing! Teach me Lord! Teach me!"

Cute Ohio boys! They make sure life is never dull.

I have entered a world I would have avoided before. But avoiding it was a mistake. The people here are amazing. Their kindness, unmatched. Their faith, astounding. Their love of God and Christ, beautiful. For some reason they see me as fit to be among them. Though I can never quite figure out why. I truly don't deserve to be counted as a friend among such wonderful people as these. They are far better than I will ever be. But they take me in, and I can not refuse. I would be a fool to refuse. I can't go back. I can never go back.

Showered with gifts the moment I arrived. But seriously guys. . .where's my coffee? haha!

 I couldn't even fit everything in my bags. And they made me drag those fortune cookies all the way across the United states.

Doctor Who Footie pajamas. I know. You're jealous!

 And of course I got a little cock while I was there. Everyone needs a cock. Google Combat Cock to learn more. 

Ohio has stolen my heart. I was seduced by that river and the beautiful bridges. And the people sealed the deal. Each time I leave it gets harder not to stay. Each time I come home the less I feel at home. I miss my Ohio boys. I miss a place I never thought I would ever go. I miss Ohio and I don't know how to stay away.

Roebling Bridge

 That beautiful river. I can't get enough!