I'm Feeling Quite the Novelist Today

Cincinnati, OH

We rounded a corner of the tight city streets. We had driven around the block a couple of times in search of parking place that did not put us at risk of getting a ticket, and that was hopefully within walking distance of our destination of choice. He had put a lot of thought into trying to find a place formal enough to suit my attire, but still within a decent price range. I felt a bad that my outfit had caused such a dilemma. I even offered to change. I'm quite terrible at overdressing for occasions. At least if your judgement of such is based upon the reactions I receive. I dress to my level of comfort. T-shirt and jeans don't seem to suit me all that well. The clothes people exchange at the end of the night for ones of more comfort, are usually the clothes that leave me feeling the most at ease. Sweatpants and hoodies are attire meant for working out and cleaning, and even then I feel anxious. The dress I selected for this night was one I had bought in my early twenties. Before I even got married. It was not a dress considered acceptable for a girl of my upbringing to wear. But I couldn't resist how well it flattered my curves. Not to mention that it was on sale. This was the first time I had worn it, I mean really worn it. I had put it on before with several accompanying pieces to try and make it acceptable for my hometown. But tonight I wore it as it was meant to be worn.

He turns to me and says, "You don't dress like the people here."

I can't remember how the conversation went on from there. I'm sure I asked something like, "Is that a bad thing?" And he went on to describe that the people their dressed very casually, not flashy, just normal clothes, no bright colors or fancy attire and they didn't wear flowers in their hair.

"You said you liked the flower." I replied. I think offered to take it out. But he said to leave it and confirmed that he did like it.

"I don't dress like the people from where I'm from either." I say. He seems a little surprised.

My home state tends to be more on the casual side as well. You do have quite a few artistic and eccentric people here and there that will have a taste to bring a little classic classiness into their wardrobe. But even so, my taste for the dramatic, my love of all things old fashioned and my strange desire to wear things a little more low cut and form fitting then most tends to leave me sticking out like a coffee drinker on our local college campus.

We find a parking space, exit the car and proceed to walk to the restaurant. It's strange how walking beside this man feels so comfortable and natural, and yet so unbelievable. If I wrote the story down it may make for a decent novel. As of now a novel with an ending unknown. I myself can't fully understand how all of this came about. Even though I am the one who lived it.

I still remember that Saturday morning. I was about to head somewhere, don't ask me to recall. I had just gotten all dressed up, as I do on the weekends.

My work requires more casual attire then I prefer. Wearing scarves in your hair or fancy boots is not only a waste of ones efforts, but is also a risk to your safety. On the weekends I can't wait to shed my manly looking clothes, and slip on something more feminine. I use the weekends to remind myself that I am still a young and attractive female. Those two days of the week are when I feel most in my element.

As I was saying, on this Saturday morning after I had finished getting dressed, I glanced at my Facebook to look see if anything exciting had popped up on my news feed. I scrolled and scrolled through various status updates and pictures of people displaying their weekend activities. I scrolled and scrolled and then I stopped. Something had caught my eye. There it was. His picture with an article posted on Glen Beck's page. Why I contacted him I don't really know. Thinking back to it now, how little I knew of him and how I first approached him leaves me a little red in the face. But it had to start somewhere. And without that message I would never be where I am today.

Catching an early morning plane

Denver Airport, ripe with conspiracy. . .my favorite!

I've been on trips I never thought I would dare to take. Twice, I have set foot in a state I never gave much thought to in the past. I have since fallen in love with that state. I have worn clothes I always loved but never dared to display out in public for all to see. I have tasted things I never thought would touch my lips. And I have made friends, amazing friends, who have shown me beautiful examples of kindness and love.

We take our seats in the giant booth table. I am sitting across from a man who's life differs so greatly from anything I have ever known. We grew up a thousand miles apart. Our cultures are vastly different. Trying to describe them to one another is like a fish trying to tell a bird how it breaths underwater. Neither of us can fully understand or comprehend. And yet we can talk for hours. Somehow we have things in common. Somehow he understands me better than most. It's not hard to feel comfortable around him. I find that to be so strange. Two people so different, and yet so much alike.

However, no matter how much we talk, or how comfortable I begin feel, there will always be fear. A fear of being hurt. A fear of not being accepted just as I am. It's a fear embedded in me from my past. I can't shake it. Though at times I desperately wish that I could.

The highest point of the City

Most people will never fully know the real me. I am a big, raging pot of boiling personality. Each part of me making a passionate plea to come to the surface to be released. Some people may catch glimpses of the varying sides of my personality. The vast differences that stretch out in opposite directions, just as the East does from the West. They all somehow come together to make up one singular person. To describe myself is a monologue I have never dared to write. At times you will catch little glimpses of me in varying degrees. But most of my personality lays in reserve. It only comes out in secret. In those times when I'm alone. My shyness, and fear of not being liked are to thank for that. I keep certain parts of me from ever fully coming to the surface. Which is probably for the benefit of all mankind because I am pretty intense. Bursting with joy one minute. Raging in anger the next. Some days I'm sluggish and moody. Some days I buy lingerie just because. I seem to keep people guessing. Even those that think they know all there is to know. I like to keep changing. I like to keep growing. People make a mistake of putting me in a box. Claiming that this is what I am and all I ever will be. I only see this as challenge. A challenge to completely shock them.

 My first time rock climbing. Loved it!

This little boiling pot of personality has it's disadvantages though. It's hard for me to keep friends. Perhaps because I fail to meet peoples expectations. Perhaps because I break free of the assumptions people have made and they don't care to try and figure me out from there. Or maybe it's because I tend to change so much.

A few years ago you wouldn't recognize for what I am now. I grew up a Mormon. I was raised in the LDS church in Utah. I have no regrets for how I was raised. It kept me from making choices that would have emotionally destroyed me at the time. I didn't attend wild high school parties. I never tasted a sip of alcohol. Coffee had never once been given the opportunity to wake me up in the morning. I hardly ever uttered a swear word. At times I would get more comfortable with the "shits" and the "damns" and my favorite was usually "jackass". But I would usually pull back and clean my mouth up by going back to the "craps" and the "dangs"-- I would still use jackass though because that word just says it all. I had never, ever uttered the f-word. I didn't even think it. Now I seem to use it way too f#@%ing  much. I used to be able to fit nicely among my fellow church members. I could talk the talk and walk the walk. But now I just I struggle to start conversations and walk away fumbling, tripping and stumbling.

Skyline Chili, a craving I was never supposed to have

Truth be told I was never a very good Mormon. I carry the values and the lessons I have been taught with me as I continue on my journey. I do not regret the person the church has helped me to become. But I am finding that, my whole life, I have been trying to be something that I'm not. Something that I just can't stick to. I don't have the passion to wake up for 9:00 AM church on my day off. I don't have the drive to serve in a calling when I can barely get a handle on my everyday life. I have probably missed more church then I have attended. And the more I set foot into a world I was told to fear the more I find there was nothing to fear at all. There is so much more to learn out there. It's not about living a life opposite of the one I was raised in. It's not about rebellion. I mean maybe it's a little about rebellion. I am pretty rebellious. It's not about becoming dangerous, dark and scary. No, it's about expounding on the knowledge I already have. It's about finding God in places I never thought I would. It's about throwing assumptions, all assumptions, out the window, as I fly down the highway of life, shouting, "I know nothing! Teach me Lord! Teach me!"

Cute Ohio boys! They make sure life is never dull.

I have entered a world I would have avoided before. But avoiding it was a mistake. The people here are amazing. Their kindness, unmatched. Their faith, astounding. Their love of God and Christ, beautiful. For some reason they see me as fit to be among them. Though I can never quite figure out why. I truly don't deserve to be counted as a friend among such wonderful people as these. They are far better than I will ever be. But they take me in, and I can not refuse. I would be a fool to refuse. I can't go back. I can never go back.

Showered with gifts the moment I arrived. But seriously guys. . .where's my coffee? haha!

 I couldn't even fit everything in my bags. And they made me drag those fortune cookies all the way across the United states.

Doctor Who Footie pajamas. I know. You're jealous!

 And of course I got a little cock while I was there. Everyone needs a cock. Google Combat Cock to learn more. 

Ohio has stolen my heart. I was seduced by that river and the beautiful bridges. And the people sealed the deal. Each time I leave it gets harder not to stay. Each time I come home the less I feel at home. I miss my Ohio boys. I miss a place I never thought I would ever go. I miss Ohio and I don't know how to stay away.

Roebling Bridge

 That beautiful river. I can't get enough!

Don't Get Scared Now!

Awww. . .blogging. It has been a while, no? I'm a little torn. I really want to keep up with the blogging. I want to keep sharing my ideas, and stories. But there is one thing that bugs me about blogging. It seems to suck time away. I sit down to write a quick post, and next thing I know I've updated my kids' facebook, organized all my pictures, and watched "Hocus Pocus", twice, and still am yet to produce a blog post. Oh well, lets give it another go, shall we?

So about a month ago, actually a month ago exactly, I took a trip to Ohio to visit my friend. I mentioned him earlier. He rode his bike across the USA-- seriously look up the story because it's awesome. I had so much fun!

One of the reasons for this trip, kind of, was to deliver this drawing. It's a little tribute I made for his incredible bike ride

I made him go to the Comic Book Convention with me. It was hard to choose between my Elektra costume and my Harley Quinn. But my friend is Catholic, so that added a little more pull to Elektra. How perfect it was to be Elektra escorted by a cute little Catholic boy. He didn't even need a costume.

I totally *heart* Sherlock. You can't top Mr. Cumberbatch

 I finally found a me a Daredevil to pose with.

He had fun showing me Cincinnati and all his favorite things. He was especially sure to take me to the river because I was so excited about it. I fell in love with that river! I'd love to go back there and just sit on the little bench swing and watch the boats go by.

We went out after the Comic Book Convention. I had to change in the car and somehow style my hair after wearing a wig. I also had on tons of make-up because I didn't want to the wig to overpower my face. Upon using the restroom I took a glance in the mirror. I then had to apologize to my friend for having to escort a drag queen all over town. Oh it looked awful!

 Hofbräuhaus

It was so much fun!

I had so much fun I took all my favorite experiences and squeezed them together in another drawing.

Not finished yet, but It was fun to create.

Yes it was quite an adventure! From trying to get my hair done before he got back and told me just to leave it, because it looked fine, to all the fun new experiences I got to share with a sweet friend. I miss it all! Especially the river. Oh man do I want to see that river again! Life is never dull with this guy around.

Small disclaimer:

 Any questions regarding "this guy" and "what's going on" will most likely be answered vaguely. I don't want any advice or critiques, or to be accused of premature Facebook announcements. I am not responsible for the assumptions other's choose to make, or not make. I don't want to be told it's too little or too much. It is what it is and I just want to enjoy! Thank You! :)

I think the greatest thing about all of this is the experience. I get to embark on experiences I never had before. And that is really what this post is about.

Take this experience for example:

Last night I went with my friend to a bar in SLC to celebrate his birthday. It was a total blast, and it was an experience I would never have had if I had chosen to stay wrapped up in my little shell, drudging through life asking myself, "Is this really it?"

I hung out in a bar. I watched a bunch of people get drunk and crazy. I even got hit on by a girl-- totally don't swing that way but thanks for the offer. It sounds crazy, but it was fun! So fun!

So that's what I'm here to share. I used to be scared of the world. I used to be timid, and shy, and broken. So very broken. I looked at other women like me. Other women who had experiences like me. Women who had gone through similar hardships. And sometimes it seemed that person was still broken and hurt. Even after years and years. Even after managing to stay married. Even after all this, they were timid and scared. Not all of them were like this, and I don't know that I would necessarily say it was a mistake.  Everyone has different paths, but that wasn't mine. It couldn't be mine. Please, God, don't let it be mine. I didn't want to end up like that. I didn't want to be scared for the rest of my life. So whether I stayed married or not, I was determined to become something more.

Nothing was going to stop me from living. Nothing was going to overpower me like that. Even if it was my own mind that was closing me in. I put my trust in God. I prayed to him daily. I let him transform me. And slowly he pulled of the layers. He stripped away the assumptions I thought were truths that would keep me safe from heartache. It was hard! Sometimes it was painful. Sometimes I just didn't want to do it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I just want to go back. But He showed me a new life. He showed me new people. People I never would have met as the old me, married or not. And, you know what? I would never turn back. Even if it seems easier, and simpler. I would never trade it in.

The relationships I had in the past were all relationships that suited who I was at the time. But as I keep changing, learning and growing those relationships suit me less and less. I would never go back to them. Even for safety and security. But I also know I needed them to get me to where I am. They weren't a mistake. I like where I am. I like who I am becoming. And, though I may not repeat some of the things that have happened to me, I wouldn't take them back either.

I don't feel it's a mistake that I am where I am. Nor, would I say that everyone has to do as I did. We all need to find our own paths. I would only say this:

Just don't stay scared and broken!

What Have I Got?

Flaming, rich, pouring, emotional outrage!!!

That's what I want to to do. I just want to spew every ugly emotion, that has been coursing through my veins, right here on this page. I want to yell at the world to stop giving me rules and advice, by giving them rules and advice on how to treat me. I want to be angry. I want to be bitter. I want to throw in the towel and say, "I'M DONE!" I want to close myself off, make myself numb and not care anymore.

Too often lately I've wanted to try something, but I have let myself get discouraged.

Too often lately I have let the voice of one critic bring me down.

Too often lately I have wished I could just be bitter, angry and mad at he world.

Too often lately I have gotten hung up on the wrong things.

Too often lately I have wanted something to be something awesome, without having to start somewhere not awesome first.

Too often lately I have doubted myself, and doubted God.

I hate my book!

I hate my blog!

I hate my stupid self for ever thinking I had something to offer!

What I thought I wanted is too hard to hope for and the alternative sounds boring and lame.

I want to give up, but I can't, so I sit here in a sort of limbo.

Something I thought I had died. I miss it, but I hate that I miss it.

I'm tired of wanting a relationship. I'm tired of trying. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm being told that wanting a relationship makes me weak, and I need to focus on other things.

But God is good. He has brought me here. He has done amazing things with this weak, meager person called myself. So why should I doubt what he has done? I know he'll get me through this. The results will be amazing. I just have to pull myself out of this sink hole, with my one good arm, so I can start crawling back to my dreams.

So instead of just sitting here, ragging on myself for having shortcomings, I am going to try and post about some things I do have that I like. Maybe that will help.

I have a healthy body.
I have cute boys who really want to make Mom happy.
I can do 3 pull ups-- it's impressive I'm sure.
I have a home and a working vehicle.
I have the most wonderful friends on the planet.
I have pretty awesome hair-- it matters, just trust me.
I have a Mom who will answer the phone and talk to her sobbing, emotional, irrational daughter.
I have parents who will help me out in crazy, ridiculous ways.
I have faith in God, and a knowledge he is there for me.

I can do this! I know it!

I can do these things I need to do. I can be the things I want to be. I know I can!

Would You Believe Me?

Would you believe me if I said I have reasons to believe dressing modestly is important?

Would you also believe me if I told you I believe dressing modestly is not necessary?

I believe dress should be comfortable for you and expresses who you are. I have been in incidents where dressing modestly helped me feel safer. But I have  worn comfortable, and beautiful in things that would fall under certain definitions of modesty, and I loved wearing them. And I didn't feel like it took away from my self worth.

Would you believe me if I told you I think there is wisdom in practicing abstinence?

Would you also believe me if I told you that I think it's possible to have a healthy sexual relationship outside of marriage?

I ultimately believe that sex should be an expression of love. Waiting till marriage usually keeps one safe from having sex for the wrong reasons. But it's not a guarantee. I personally don't feel you should just go out and sleep with just anyone. I still think there should be limitations, and each individual can choose what they are. If waiting till marriage is the goal, awesome! I'd say decide what you want to experience from a sexual relationship, and set the standards you need to help you achieve that. 

Would you believe me if I told you a marriage in the LDS temple can be a beautiful thing?

Would you believe me if I told you I believe there can be beautiful, uplifting, spiritual wedding experiences outside the temple?

My first marriage was in the LDS temple. I in no way blame the state of my first marriage on the church, or the temple. I was the one that made choices, didn't have a good understanding and believed the temple meant I had followed the right path. I believed, because of that, that I would automatically be led to blessings, and an ease of problems. Truthfully what I think now: marriage is what you make it. The faith and effort you put in as a couple is what measures your success. If reaching a goal of a temple marriage is a strength, to your relationship as a couple, then it will probably benefit you, as a couple. Do what you need to feel successful in this area. Pick the experience you want to have, and make it happen.

I'm a seeker of truth. I try to find the answers need to live a happier, more peaceful life. I try to observe many situations, take in many perspectives and look at life from all angles. I try to find a way to understand everyone, and everything. I try to not dismiss different ideas and different beliefs. I do my best to find answers to help myself heal and deal better with life, and I try to share what I find so that if it is what other's are seeking, they can benefit from my experiences as well. 

Being raised in Utah, in an LDS family, in not something I regret. I think the church gave me a structure I needed in order keep myself from destructive behaviors I might have given into when I hit low points in life. But it's also hard. I was raised with a certain perspective on life, and I was raised in an area where most people had that same perspective. And I was never really challenged to think outside my little box. Being LDS was right. Our religion was true. My ultimate goal was to bring people to The Church so they could be saved. I was told to date only members. I was told a Temple Marriage is what I should strive for. And if I wanted to marry someone who couldn't take me to the temple that I should pass, move on and have faith that God would lead me to a worthy man. This is what I was taught. This is what I believed. How do I feel about these things now?

***

Small Disclaimer: I am not acting as a representative of the church. Please do not take my interpretations of the things I was taught as true LDS doctrine. This is me simply sharing my personal perspective on how I felt things were portrayed to me.

***

To tell you the truth I ultimately believe living a life where you discipline yourself to follow a higher law will usually challenge you to be a better person. What that higher law is, is up to you. Having a code of honor, convictions, promises to God, or whomever/whatever you choose, that you will not break, will help you to grow. 

But I also believe that what belief one person chooses to live by is not "one size fits all". I don't think we necessarily need to be disciplined by the same set of beliefs. And I have actually really enjoyed learning about different ways of living, different religions and different beliefs with an open, and accepting mind.

Religion, for the most part, is a beautiful thing. It can be simply amazing to learn about other people, and why they choose to live the way they live and believe the way they do. Opposing beliefs are not a challenge to your beliefs. They are just another way to view the world. I wanted to be more open in how I viewed the world.

So I tossed aside a lot of things that I felt were wrong. I stopped saying, "Anything that involves-- insert certain behavior-- is automatically wrong." And I learned a whole lot more. And I met some great people. They never tried to persuade me to live differently, or to try things I didn't want to try. And I stopped assuming that all this stuff automatically equaled "wrong". 

I want to have a world of experiences. I want to share those experiences with everyone that will listen. I want to learn about many different ways of living. I want to take in all the things that lead to a positive life, and share these secrets with everyone. I want to look at successful relationships, and find out what makes them successful. I want to learn how to better talk with, and approach, people so that we can better express ourselves to each other, without causing offense. A lot of things I thought I needed, to be successful in these areas, I have learned aren't necessarily true. So I want to find out what is true, and tell people what it is and why I believe it. I want to do this for me, so I can know how to be successful in areas I have failed in. And hopefully what I learn can help other's find answers themselves. 

I'm working on a program to help accomplish these things. I'm hoping to work on putting it together, and coming up with a launch date. We'll see how this goes. I feel kind of incapable, but I'm really hoping I can get some things out there.