What Have I Got?

Flaming, rich, pouring, emotional outrage!!!

That's what I want to to do. I just want to spew every ugly emotion, that has been coursing through my veins, right here on this page. I want to yell at the world to stop giving me rules and advice, by giving them rules and advice on how to treat me. I want to be angry. I want to be bitter. I want to throw in the towel and say, "I'M DONE!" I want to close myself off, make myself numb and not care anymore.

Too often lately I've wanted to try something, but I have let myself get discouraged.

Too often lately I have let the voice of one critic bring me down.

Too often lately I have wished I could just be bitter, angry and mad at he world.

Too often lately I have gotten hung up on the wrong things.

Too often lately I have wanted something to be something awesome, without having to start somewhere not awesome first.

Too often lately I have doubted myself, and doubted God.

I hate my book!

I hate my blog!

I hate my stupid self for ever thinking I had something to offer!

What I thought I wanted is too hard to hope for and the alternative sounds boring and lame.

I want to give up, but I can't, so I sit here in a sort of limbo.

Something I thought I had died. I miss it, but I hate that I miss it.

I'm tired of wanting a relationship. I'm tired of trying. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm being told that wanting a relationship makes me weak, and I need to focus on other things.

But God is good. He has brought me here. He has done amazing things with this weak, meager person called myself. So why should I doubt what he has done? I know he'll get me through this. The results will be amazing. I just have to pull myself out of this sink hole, with my one good arm, so I can start crawling back to my dreams.

So instead of just sitting here, ragging on myself for having shortcomings, I am going to try and post about some things I do have that I like. Maybe that will help.

I have a healthy body.
I have cute boys who really want to make Mom happy.
I can do 3 pull ups-- it's impressive I'm sure.
I have a home and a working vehicle.
I have the most wonderful friends on the planet.
I have pretty awesome hair-- it matters, just trust me.
I have a Mom who will answer the phone and talk to her sobbing, emotional, irrational daughter.
I have parents who will help me out in crazy, ridiculous ways.
I have faith in God, and a knowledge he is there for me.

I can do this! I know it!

I can do these things I need to do. I can be the things I want to be. I know I can!