I Can Not Find My Way

I'm listening to my Christmas music tonight, yes I'm listening to Christmas music already, and a thought occurs to me.



It's occurred to me before. This time of year comes around and I just ponder how much I love it. I think I have posted about this before. In fact I'm almost certain I have. Yup I have. In fact its right here. But maybe I can make this post a little different.


I love a lot of things about winter. I love the cold. I love the early nights. I love the snow. I love the glow that come from everything being covered in white. I know I'm crazy! I need this time of year. I need the winter. I need this season. I appreciate every season, and every time of the year. They all give me something different, and they all allow me to focus on different things. And I decided to  sit down and think about what this time of year really lets me focus on.



So as I jammed out to my music I began to ponder my thoughts. Christmas music stirs me with excitement and joy. It give me that wonderful, energetic, "something exciting is going to happen" feeling. That's the mark of a wonderful song for me, and a good majority of Christmas music is full of these things. Along with this excited feeling I also feel peace. I mean a majority of what I listen to is songs about Christ. And so I feel His peace surround me. I absolutely love it!



This made me realize why I must love listening to Christmas music so early on in the season. I think I like beginning the journey. I like playing the music, feeling the excitement, and pondering his peace. The story of Christ's birth is beautiful in many ways, but one of the ways it is beautiful to me is because it is so peaceful. So many in that story are in search of something, a sign, a blessing, a safe place to stay. And in this story they all find it, and for a moment they all relish in he peace that fills their heart. And we get to spend the season focusing on that. The fact that they found it. That they all found, and shared in peace, for a moment in time.



So I gladly put on my Christmas music, and enjoy starting my journey to finding that peace. The music excites me to begin my journey, and reminds me of the peace I seek. I get a whole season to find it. Why not start the journey as soon as I can?

This Is Me

This is me, on my 30th birthday. Yup just me, a crazy woman, who does her best to follow what she feels is right in her heart, but sometimes struggles to do so.

I vowed to listen to my Heavenly Father, and follow his counsel, as I ventured into the unknown and filed for divorce. He has led me to only good places, and has always helped me to find peace. And yet I still struggle at times to follow what he says. I have gotten full and complete confirmation on the answers I have received about my guy. Sometimes I wish the answer was different. Sometimes I think I can change it. I know that a lot of people probably think I'm crazy to follow it. After all, I sometimes think I am. But no matter what it is the answer. So then I try to lawyer my way out of. I try to find some sort of clause in our agreement. Well if you take this feeling her, and this desire here and combine it with these fact here then I could technically. . .technically open an account on a dating website.

So what do I do? I open an account. I ask Heavenly Father if this is OK. His answer? I already know it. Please, please just let me have this! Well I do it anyway. I message guys, they message me. I look at this guy here and that guy there. It seems fun. It seems to fill a void. But then I feel it. The reality of it all. This isn't what I want. This isn't fun at all. Where do I expect this go? What do I expect to happen? He told me no, and any guy I meet on there is going to just be a dead end. And I can start to feel it in myself. I'm not ready for this, and if I just go out and start dating just anyone I'm going to make a poor decision. I'm not strong enough to date like this. And slowly those little chats, winks and flirts just become empty. They give me 5 seconds of fun, and then it fades.

So I talk to my Father again. He tells me what He desires. I decide to listen this time. I mean really listen. And what happens. I deactivate my account even though I'm afraid it will make that void in my life fill like The Grand Canyon once again. But instead I find peace. And I find a more fulfilling joy in filling that void the way He counsels me to. Yes I'm crazy. Yes people won't always understand. But I know I must listen to my Heavenly Father. Even if it doesn't make sense to me. Even if it's hard to explain. This is what I must do. I can't wiggle my way out of it, or get the same results a different way. Deep down I know this is best for me.

Going to Comic-Con (Han) Solo

So I got this crazy idea to go to Comic-Con this year. It was a great excuse for me to take advantage of my short red hair, and buy a black widow costume. I wasn't all too sure if I was a Black Widow fan, but I have to say putting on that costume kind of converted me.

I took my little boy with me on Thursday. You want to know what's weird? Stepping into a bathroom on a train in normal street clothes, and then stepping out dressed in a cat suit with knee high boots. I almost didn't want to open that door because how do you not draw attention? At least I had little Iron Man by my side.

 On the first day I went right after work. I tried to pull off the Winter Soldier look with the straight hair parted down the middle. A look I didn't find attractive on Scarlet Johanson in the movie, and a look I don't find attractive on myself either. But it worked for that quick run to the convention that day. Plus some guys asked to get a pic with me that day and as I walked away they said, "Dude, that was the hottest one so far." Why thank you! ;)

We had some fun times at the convention. A lot of people complimented our costumes. Someone even said nice Cosplay. I couldn't believe my costume passed for cosplay.

I bought my little guy a light saber and he had an epic battle on the train platform after the con.

Then came the big day. . .Saturday. I planned on going all by myself. And even though my introverted self sort of wanted to stay in, I put on my costume, curled my hair, pulled out the fake eyelashes and headed to Comic-Con. I had some decent motivation. . .

That's right! I got to meet Chris Evans. Though he's not the real Captain America, he's as close as one can get right? And if you read my post about Captain America, you'll understand the significance of this meeting. That movie, and that superhero, have come to be really special to me. By the way, Chris Evan's is quite thin. I was shocked when I put my arm around him. I think my thigh is as big as his waist.

Well up until I met up with my friend and took a pic with Chris Evans. I wandered around, held some snakes, took a picture with some pirates, you know pretty normal everyday stuff ;)

Then I hung out with my friend for a little bit after that. I'm so grateful to my friend that got me in for the pic. I haven't seen her since Jr. High. She is seriously an awesome person! And I had so much fun hanging out with her, and catching up.

And that was my Comic-Con experience. It was quite fun, and I really liked dressing up as Black Widow. That totally rocked! I felt awesome!

Sometimes being alone is doable. Sometimes I force myself to get out and enjoy things even though I don't have someone with me right now-- he's a little preoccupied at the moment. Then there are days when you just want a conversation. You just want someone there with you to help you finish painting your room, or to enjoy a convention with.

It's crazy! I try to just seek happiness in myself. I know that a change of circumstance won't bring true happiness. It just brings on different joys and different trials. But there's still a drive, you just can't ignore, to be with someone, to have a partner. And no one can take the place of that partner. I have wonderful friends and family, but even surrounded by them can't fill that void.

Not to mention there's just nothing like talking with my guy. The focus and attention he gave me can't be matched. Not to mention how fulfilling it was to discuss things with him. I miss that the most. I miss having a conversation with him. I know he's not in a place to have one of those conversations right now. He truly has a lot to deal with. But I'm just working on being patient, at peace, and listening to the Lord and following his guidance. He finds ways to ease that burden of loneliness, and I am grateful for those times when he has blessed me in that way.

Have a lovely night everyone!

If These Walls Could Talk

As I paint the room that was once my master bedroom, and is now a room for two little boys, I can't help but ponder the feelings that come upon me.

I plaster dents and dings. For every little thing I did to try and improve my home I also slowly watched it get torn a part around me. Part of that was my doing. And now I pay the price. For all the rage and anger taken out on these walls I have to set out on my own to patch up their scars. I can feel the energy they hold. I can feel the sadness. I can hear the stories that they tell. The stories I know all too well.

But perhaps, with a fresh coat of paint and some putty for the dings, these walls can start to tell a new story. Perhaps we can all begin fresh. We can forgive each other, and ourselves. We can continue to invite peace into our lives. And we can promise ourselves we will not destroy our hard work this time, whether it be the work on our own selves or the work we have done on the house.

To making repairs and moving forward :)

P.S. This room truly has terrible lighting, so don't judge the paint job by these photos alone. Plus I'm not completely done yet.

At Least it Means I'm Learning and Growing

Life just keeps throwing things my way. I feel like I've been crying since Thursday night. My son is having trouble with his temper at school and at daycare. My relationship has hit another stumbling block, or perhaps iceberg would be more fitting. And I just sit here, pray and try to figure it all out.

This weekend I went on a trip with my boys to Southern Utah. We just did a quick day trip. I couldn't really afford a hotel room, and I really didn't think there'd be enough to entertain us for more than a day. Even though I had my kids, it was a little lonely and somewhat boring for me, and so it was good we just spent the day.

Peach Days in Hurricane

I wore one of my favorite outfits, and my favorite white skirt. No white after Labor day right? Haha! It's not like me to follow rules like that, but in all honesty I tend to not were my white stuff in the fall and winter. It just doesn't seem to fit my mood.

My little boy chased down the paper exclaiming, "I got it! I got the treasure map!"

Kanab

There wasn't much to do in Kanab. The hotels were full, but the town was empty. For some reason this was where I really wanted to come though. Mostly because of a gem shop a little ways out of town in Orderville.

The necklace I'm wearing in the above pictures was purchased at this gem shop last year. I really felt myself wanting to return and get another one. 

When I purchased that necklace I was trying to pick something besides the turquoise type colors, which I am always drawn to. Then a friend said maybe I'm drawn to those colors for a reason, and she told me about the properties that turquoise has. I decided not to deny my inner desire to seek out this color and this stone. 

My Dad has always loved turquoise too. In fact I think he passed down his love of rocks and gemstones to me. One of my little boys also has this love it appears. He loves rocks and has his own collection. 

Well this time I decided to pick the necklace I was most drawn to. I also picked up some loose stones that all had properties that sounded like they would be good for me, and my guy, right now. I am now really wishing I had written down exactly what I bought. I can tell you the necklace I bought is a stone that is good for calming fears. And the rose quartz, the light pink one I believe, had to do with receiving love. One of them had to do with relationships, and one I think helps to clear you mind and helps aid you when you need to make big decisions. The blue one was pretty, and I needed it to finish filling up the little bag-- you get to fill a bag with stones for $2.95. I notice when I hold it that it has a very grounding feeling to it. 

So that was basically why I went on the trip. So I could stop at the gem store. We then headed home. On the way back from Kanab there is a turn off for Bryce Canyon. I had originally wanted to try and go there on this trip. So I made an impulse decision to take the turn off. What a mistake! It costs $30 to get into Bryce Canyon so we just turned around, and the we ended up taking a very long route home because I took the wrong road. 

We stopped at this outlook, and I was freaking out because I-15 was nowhere in sight. I had no idea where I was or where this road would come out. It just kept going and going. The two boys that went with me were happy though. They said this was the best road trip, and the view was so beautiful. This trip meant a lot to them, and I'm glad. They were so excited, and they really had fun. 

 In other news. . .

I took my boys out school shopping, one on one, a couple weeks ago. We got dinner, or just a treat afterward. I spent a little more than I would've liked, but it was a special time with my boys, so it was worth it. 

 I got to meet my cousins darling new born baby. I promise, she's crying because she's hungry

 My little boy turned 5 on the 1st and we celebrated his birthday

 I enjoyed all the compliments I received for my new shirt. I wanted some fun shirts for work and so I picked this one up at Wal-Mart. I was surprised with all the compliments I got. I also asked a guy at work some comic book questions, which turned into a long conversation. I have some knowledge to back my shirt purchase ;).

This weekend was an interesting one. I have been terribly emotional because of receiving some big blows. I have been getting told a lot that my son is having issues with throwing tantrums. When I picked him up from daycare on Thursday, I just. . .well. . .it wasn't grand. I was so upset with how I had been treated, and so embarrassed too, I let myself get too upset with my little boy. I took away all his superhero stuff and told him that superheroes don't act like that. I called my mom crying. Once again I felt like I just wasn't made for this "mom" thing. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the strength to try and figure this out. 

I then realized I had let my own emotions get in the way of truly caring for my son, and what had caused his outburst that day. I gave him a hug, and he transformed into the bighearted kid I know him to be. He even went to help his baby brother and told me he wants to try harder to show his brother he loves him. I knew his outbursts were coming from a place of pain, so I talked to him. He hurts because he doesn't feel like he makes many friends, and because this kid at school bullies him. I asked him extensively about the bully because I was worried that someone might be hurting him. Then their Dad came and picked them up. I spent the rest of the night crying. I was heartbroken because of how I had treated him. I was sure to tell him later that he's my Superhero. 

On Friday I got a terribly devastating email from my guy. I was a mess at work. Not only from what had happened with my son, but now there was the email too. I know there are those who think I'm crazy, who think I'm possibly being duped, or lied to, and who think my guy behaves weird. I can tell you for a fact he is weird and different in a lot of ways. That's part of the reason I like him so much. He has certain principles and rules he wants to live by, and he really doesn't like to betray them. 

He's wants to be a gentleman through and through and he wants to emulate Cary Grant as much as possible. He also really doesn't like to impose on people. I have had to learn that his actions, though seemingly having one meaning to me, aren't always how I interpret them. 

Like one time I asked if we could take a trip together before he was scheduled to leave for the Army. He was hesitant and refused. I felt rejected. But upon talking with him I learned that he didn't have the money to help pay for the trip, and he didn't want me to spend my money. He was always trying to tell me not to spend my money because he knows I don't have a lot. Sometimes I would have to remind him that is was my choice, and he would understand. 

Sometimes I'd offer help, and he would refuse that too. I learned, from watching him and getting to know him, that he doesn't like to impose on people or ask for help. Sometimes I would just say, "I'm bringing you this," to try and get around it. 

I have also had to learn many things as far as communication. He prefers to talk in person. He told me this right when we first started dating. He texted me one Sunday saying he couldn't stop thinking about me since we had talked that Saturday. I offered to call him, but he said he preferred meeting in person. This was after our talk on Saturday when he stated how much he just prefers to speak in person, so he can give all his focus and attention to the person he is talking to. Also, if he talks on the phone he doesn't like to multi task. He likes to give you all his attention. And he also doesn't feel comfortable talking while he's driving. When he was with me he rarely looked at his phone or answered texts. He wanted to make sure when we were together that his focus was on us.

Some of the things he does are different and they raise questions, even for me. But in the end I find there is usually an understandable reason for it.

Yes he is a very different person. Sometimes it's in the worst ways, but really it's in the best ways. I have never had a man tell me things like he's told me. He wasn't afraid to say something poetic and romantic. He supports me so much emotionally. We have the most invigorating conversations, and we can talk about everything. He usually realizes where his mistakes lie. Whenever I felt the need to bring an issue up with him he would usually say something himself, to ease my fears, before I ever had to mention it. I have never felt disrespected or used by him. And though I have my insecurities I feel so treasured by him in so many ways. As I have looked at the overall picture I feel perfectly happy taking his flaws and hardships because what is good about the relationship is so good. And what is good about him is a lot harder to find in a man than it is to find a man who may not have the same shortcomings. 

I have said before I don't know what our future will bring. He is going through a lot right now. And I won't really have a clear idea on what happens next until I see him later this month. But I do know what is in my heart, and what I feel when I pray. I have asked several times to have complete clarity and understanding when I pray on the subject. I want to make sure I truly hear my Heavenly Father's voice and not just my own. I feel a peace in my heart even though fear and doubts sneak in. Overall I can't deny my own feelings. I don't feel drawn to anyone else right now, which is usually what I have felt when I needed to end relationships in the past. And I also know that no other guy has impacted me like this he has. All that we did together was special. The memories hold such a strong energy. I think we both truly cherished our time together, and so now my memories of him are vivid and plentiful. I didn't know that it was possible to care for someone like I care for him. Sometimes I am fearful of my circumstance. I'm fearful that I am being duped or lied to. Sometimes I want Heavenly Father to tell me it is time to move on. I try these thoughts on for size, but in the end they just don't fit. I know they are just fears, doubts and lies. My centered self recognizes them as such.  

I know life would go on without him, and if I had to I could move on. But really life just seems so much fuller if he's to be a part of it. 

We'll see what happens I suppose. I'll keep a prayer in my heart, and have faith in my Heavenly Father and what he has advised me to do. Pain and heartache are incredible burdens to bear at times, but I know it means I can grow more as a person, and learn more about all the perspectives of life. 

A Dear Composer Who Felt Like a Dear Friend

I was heartbroken last week when I discovered that my favorite composer, James Horner, had passed away. There is no way to describe what his music has meant to me. I have had affection for it since I was young, singing tunes like "Somewhere Out There" over and over again. "If We Hold On Together" was the song I taught myself how to play the piano to. Truly this man's music has had major impacts on my life in so many ways.



Over the years I have discovered time and again that the musical scores that speak to me the most are usually those composed by James Horner. "Casper", "Legends of the Fall", "Braveheart", "Glory", all of these and more.



His music has a way of affecting me. It drips with emotion, and helps relieve my empathetic heart. Each note seems to strike a place deep down inside of me, awakening something within me. It's as though my soul wants to leap for joy for it is hearing something familiar, as though from another life. I feel like I can wrap his music around me like a lovely warm blanket on a cold winters night. I revel in it's security and it's promise that there is peace and beauty in this world. Even at my darkest moments this promise was always able to reach me.



Knowing now I will never hear another score written by this man causes a sadness I can't explain. But I have his music here on Earth with me still. And one day, when I get to the other side, I'll be sure to search him out and have him play his lovely compositions for me then.



Thank you for the wonderful gift you gave me throughout your life here on this Earth Mr. Horner. I will always cherish your wonderful music.

A Thought I Wanted to Share Here as Well

Click on the sentence below

Just another thing I've been working on that I wanted to share here.

Alright I'm Going to Do it

I'm a little bit crazy. I talk way too much. I take way too many selfies. And I probably write way too many posts about my relationship, but I'm going to write this one anyway. And also here is a bunch of selfies. . .

No Shame!!! ;)

I have shared many stories about this relationship. Probably more than I should. But I'm going to share another one because I continue to learn so many important things through this relationship of mine. And while you hear about it you can enjoy little updates from my life as well :).

He's helping cut up mint and telling me about ghosts. 

P.S. We totally believe in ghosts in this house ;)

At the beginning of the relationship we fought a lot. There were numerous reasons, and I've slowly analyzed them all. I shared some of the analyzing here. And now, another one has now come to my attention. You see, I have a tendency to become codependent in a relationship. I think it's that darn please-er in me. I want to please everyone. This trait is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can become sort of toxic-- especially in the wrong relationship. Its how I acted in the last relationship. And numerous relationships prior to that one-- not all of those romantic relationships, mind you. In my marriage I allowed myself to be codependent. I based so many of emotional choices on the actions of my spouse: "If he doesn't call me I'm going to be so angry!". I even based my own self worth on his actions: "He had an affair because I'm such a mean, horrible, angry wife and I'm a hard person to be with." Well. . ,I kind of started to repeat this same behavior with my new guy. See, we got comfortable, and being comfortable triggered something in me that said, "It's OK now, you've found someone. You don't need to be calm, cool, stands on her own Tricia. You can go back to being needy, rely on someone, codependent relationship Tricia."

Happy Sunday, happy boys, happy me and happy feet in my cute new shoes

Well my guy acted differently to this behavior then others in the past. He sort of rejected it. He didn't want that control. He didn't want that responsibility. And, at first, I felt rejected and hurt by this. And, viola, the cause of some of our fights has been uncovered.

Well, as you have read we did manage to stay together-- if you haven't read that post, now you know. And I've learned to become stronger because of it. I mentioned in the other post that I learned to take back control of the one person I have control of: Me. Well I have learned that again and again.

Table for one. I still like to dress up and take myself out, even though he's not here to go with me. 

As my dear, sweet man goes through this trial of his. As my heart breaks hearing about his struggles. As I again have to learn to be patient while he withdraws because of the emotional strain in his life. I learn again and again the wonderful lesson of taking back my power. He isn't great at keeping in touch. He prefers to talk in person for one thing. He's dealing with huge emotional issues for another thing. And he's always told me that if he doesn't respond I shouldn't take it personally. He usually has a reason for not responding, and that reason is never, "I'm super annoyed with you annoying girlfriend! Go Away!" Even though my brain likes to tell me that's why he's not responding. 

Anyway. . .whatever the reason, it's frustrating and it can be hard. But I've learned something from it. First of all I have no control over what he does. Second of all, since I have no control over what he does I should not let what he does control me. So I take back my power. I tell myself, "We aren't going to let his actions tell us we should be hurt." Instead I pray to my Heavenly Father. I ask for peace and guidance. I ask if this relationship is still where He wants me to be. I ask for understanding. And I stand up taller the next day. I found peace within myself, and within my Heavenly Father. I don't need to rely on my guy's actions to give me that peace. And by doing so I can remain independent. I can remain strong. And I become a more balanced and healthier individual.

Helper Arts Festival 

Cute, cute alleyway by the place where we lunched

Fun Car Show

My Dad and I sharing the importance of Camaro's with the boys.

'67, That's my favorite!

Traffic jam on the way home. 

Our treasures from the Arts Festival

This is not to say I don't have my moments. OH, boy! Do I ever. I have fallen down many times. But each time I find my way back, and each time I become a little bit stronger.

Yard Work

Big project of putting in grass this year to help complete our yard.

Don't forget the garden. . .

. . .or the Chickens! They get fancy with those eggs of theirs.

I don't know what will become of this relationship. Right now I'm pretty happy to be with my guy, and I'm happy to learn how to be happy with him. Because overall it's an improvement for my own self worth. Whatever becomes of this I do know one thing, Heavenly Father has used this relationship to teach me many great and wonderful things. And for that I am grateful.  

Soaking in the last bit of summer at the pool

I know it's cheesy but stuff like this means a little something more to me now since I have an Army guy myself. When it is someone that close, you feel it a little closer, and the sacrifice becomes a little more real.

Summer fun at the movies. A very late movie. But we had fun. Avengers: Age of Ultron is a good one.

Summer fires=allergy and asthma flare ups for us. Me and my youngest were miserable last week. I can't imagine how those directly affected by these fires must feel. Our hearts and prayers are with them.

Sweet boys

A treasure from my younger twin. He was so proud of himself, and so happy to give it to me.

My four year old loves school, and can't wait for the first day of Kindergarten. He's being my teacher here.

Olive fingers! Oh yeah, I did it too.

 Helping put the mint in jars

First day of school. They were so excited about the new grass they asked to have their picture taken on it. What big first graders I have.

So there you go. Yet another relationship post. And yet another post about me learning how to continually improve and become better and stronger. Each new trial in life is a challenge to learn something new, feel something new and to learn to be more empathetic and understanding to all those around me. 

Happy rest of Summer everyone! Go out and enjoy the sun! :)