Life is Pain

I've been working on getting job. A job that should help our family quite a bit. It takes more than just the regular shaking of hands, "Hi, how are you? Tell me about yourself and why you want to work here" type of ordeal.

I had already failed to pass the exam and would have to take it again. And I was up for doing the physical test. I wanted to make sure I was prepared. Part of the test would be running, and I have always been terrible at running. So I pushed myself to do suicides every couple of nights. I could start to feel the strain on my shins and my feet, so I took a rest. I went for a run a couple of days later. the pain was bad, and I only ran halfway out of fear I would continue to strain them and end up even worse. I had three days before the test. And I was stressed, so stressed about my damn shins. I rested and didn't workout at all-- aside from some yoga because I struggle to sit still and do nothing. The day of the test came, and I was worried. Would I be ok? Had I rested enough?

We started the run. Everything seemed fine, but not great. It was a short run and not a difficult time to make, but I really suck at running so I was nervous. Other people seemed to be doing about the same as me, that helped me feel better. After half way the pain came back. My shins started to hurt. Any attempts to try and sprint some of the way went out the window. I tried to keep pace. We passed a check point. We were almost done. "One minute and thirty seconds left!" They shouted. "OK come on Tricia. This is for your kids, so you can take care of them. This is for your life so you can support yourself and do the things you want to do. Come on!" So I pulled every ounce of strength I could and ran faster and faster. Not too fast, but faster. I crossed the finish line with a minute and six seconds to spare. I had done it. But the PAIN!!! Oh the PAIN.

It was awful! I thought I was going to be sick. My shins throbbed. I hobbled around as best as I could. I tried to act as normal as possible. Maybe if I kneel on the ground. Let me just get some water. Stretching? Perhaps if I stretch? OH Hell no! Don't stretch. OK lets just stand up. OH it hurts so bad. I can't take it!  I walked over and told them my time and got my paper. I walked to my car. I could feel the strain put on every muscles that had to help compensate. I went home and tried to get my daily push ups and sit ups in, but WOW was that hard. I had pushed myself so much. I hadn't done a long hard workout, but I had very little left to give. It was a feeling I had never felt before. Not on this level. But I did it because that's what you do. When it comes to surviving, taking care of your family, taking care of yourself you push and you fight and you give it everything you have got.

Life is pain. There is no way to escape it. We try so hard to bypass pain. We try so hard to keep other people from feeling it. But life is pain. And pain has it's own beauty and story to tell. I think we need to remember that pain, heartache and hardship are all a part of life. There are so many things out there that humans should not have to endure. Awful terrible things. The pain in this world never stops. someone somewhere is hurting, and that's the truth of it. We can change some things, but we also need to accept that sometimes pain is just the way of life.

But what I have seen countless times over in my life lately is this: don't let pain keep you from getting something better. I have seen examples I have watched people let their pain consume them and cost them things, and hurt other people too. We are not going to escape it. You have to get through it. But don't let it keep you from moving on. Don't let the past keep you from having a happier future. The hurt has taken so much, don't let it take more. We're all in pain. We're all broken. We are all recovering. I don't expect people to be in a perfected place, as I hope people don't expect the same of me. Take chances sometimes. Be honest and trust someone to understand.

Now I just need to prep for my second time taking the exam! I have got to keep pushing forward. Hopefully I can get this!!!

There Aren't Plenty of Fish in the Sea

I've come to the conclusion, yet again, that there is just no one out there for me.

I know what everyone will say about the negative juju I'm putting out into the universe. I know people will comment on how this attitude is not going to attract a good guy into my life. But I really just don't think this story will have that ending.

Yes, I know that sounds negative and awful. But I really think I have done well to show myself that I have become a much healthier and better of myself. I feel I have learned what I needed to learn about me, which is: I have the skills to be healthy and happy in a relationship, and be part of creating a healthy and happy relationship. And that is what I needed to know. I've made my attempts. I am working through something right now-- its a weird situation. But over all I'm happy with myself and how far I've come. I feel I have done well to mend my broken pieces and be a person who is worthy of love, who was always worthy of love but now knows better how to see it.

Believe you me, I would love to believe there's someone for everyone. I would love to believe someone could actually love and accept me for who I am. I would love to believe in so many things. But the dating world is just not right people.

I haven't really been looking for a good while, and the few that have managed to enter my circle just don't seem to last. I have met some great guys, but they just aren't ready. And chances are when they are ready it won't be me they decide to date.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just the relationship triage nurse. They come to me with their wounds still fresh, and their bruised egos. They need someone to make life feel a little less lonely. And as awesome as I am-- because I am freaking awesome-- they just aren't ready to commit.

But oh well, it's OK. So many great and awesome people are just struggling out there. I shouldn't be ashamed of the fact that I struggle too. I just think the world of dating is too messed up.

The odds of me attracting this certain type, this type that just works so well for me, are very low. But despite the way things have turned out, I did learn some valuable things. And I have learned to spot negative behaviors, and understand better why they are negative for me.

Maybe one day we can fix what we have broken. Maybe one day we'll decide we want to have a different dating experience and try to be better for each other. But the damage is done. It's messed up out there. And in the mean time we are all getting so used to just being alone, that I think we start to try less and less.

There aren't plenty of fish out there. I don't know about you. But I don't have a long line of great options to chose from. I'm so tired of hearing, "There's lots of good guys out there." I'm so tired of people assuming I will actually manage to attract these "good guys". I think I am an awesome person, with great qualities, that would work well for building a healthy relationship. But I just don't think these guys will ever really care for me. There's just something about me. I'm just not what they are looking for. I just don't think it's going to happen.

I hope we can all decide to drink our bitter cup and be done with it. I hope we can let go of the past hurts. I hope we can stop calling each other names, and lumping each other together in negative stereotypes. I hope we can start to just be the person we would want to date. I hope we can chose to commit to being better for ourselves and each other. Lets stop being bitter and angry. We're all in this together people! Lets join forces instead of holding shit against each other. Lets give that new person the chance they deserve instead of killing the relationship with the hurts and heartaches of our last relationship. Lets just be open and honest with each other about our needs and wants. I hope we can all try to be better and do better. I hope we can fix the dating life.

Maybe You Don't Lie, But Are You Honest?

These past few weeks I have noticed a shift in myself. I attended a Christian Concert with a friend, and came to some realizations about myself. It was so great to feed my spiritual side. I have been so afraid to explore spirituality lately because of the roads I have gone down.

When you come to a point in your life where you say, "OK God, I will follow you. Not the church. Not the people. I will follow you. Lead me to where I need to go. Bring a good man into my life. I will listen to you and do what you ask." And then what follows is a string of disastrous relationships, it makes following God a little hard. Sure, those experiences helped you to grow and become better. Sure, they took you down paths that led you to other paths that have helped you become more who you are. But Still, when someone says, "After a string of bad relationships, I finally sat down and asked God to lead me to a good partner. And shortly after that I met my spouse." You start to wonder why your faith was not met with the same enthusiasm. So I decided to stop trying to define God. I decided to just sit back and observe. But I struggled with that because I wanted God to play a role in my life, and this way it felt like he was too absent.


I think we all need direction in life. I think we need a form of spirituality. Whatever form you choose is up to you. I choose God to be my center, my focus. But I think what is more important is that you take time every night to do a meditative practice. Quiet your brain and speak to your center and reaffirm what it is you are truly working towards in life. The world can get so noisy, and our other emotions can tempt us to stray. Keep in touch with your center, and I feel you will find more peace.

I had put off seeking that spirituality until I got my life back together. I was just too stressed and life was too chaotic. I kept saying, "Let me just get here, and then I will work on myself again."

Well this concert taught me that this was a dangerous rhetoric to have in my life. Like so many times, through being raised in the Mormon church and dealing with a certain culture, I had been taught to think I was never good enough. If something is going wrong in my life it's because I am not paying the piper right.

• Are you paying your tithes? 
• Are you going to church? 
• Are you studying your scriptures? 

Yes, yes and yes. Well then you must not be doing it in the right way or with the right amount of faith. Hmm. . . I guess I am just a person who lacks the faith and I will never have the faith I need to be worthy of God's blessings. 

I had now taken this thought process and applied it to my dating life.

• Are you working on yourself? 
• Are you focusing on you and your kids? 
• Do you truly love yourself? 

Yes, yes and yes. . . I mean. . . I think so. I try really hard. Hmm. . .well there must still be something you're doing that is causing you to attract these types. Why don't you try to keep working on yourself more?

These types of processes always lead me to the same place: giving up. And give up I had. If I wasn't good enough for a relationship than fuck that!!! I didn't give a shit anymore. If I'm not good enough I'm not ever going to be good enough so I'm done!!!! This same thing happened years ago with God. And that is when I started to let grace in. Now I needed to let grace in again.

You see, God was enough. Jesus was enough. I didn't need to do all these things to earn their love. They gave of their love freely. They were giving it to me, and I was too busy saying I didn't deserve it to just accept it. And this is what I am doing with relationships as well. So I dropped that rhetoric. And I just said, "I deserve love. I am worthy of love." And now everyday, when I wake up. . .when I am struggling. . . when I feel weak. . . or just when it comes to mind, I say, "Jesus give me love because I am worthy of love." It's cheesy I know, and remember God is MY center. This same process can be applied in your life however you feel comfortable applying it. But it has helped. Oh how it has helped.

I have dropped all those relationship words of advice. I have shed the criticisms and the hurts. And I have just moved on and been happy and in love with me and my life. The rain is still pouring down, but I am just smiling and carrying on.

The group I went to see was Adam's Road. I really appreciated their testimonies and their mission. If you want to check them out just google it. They are pretty awesome!

Now if you want to keep reading you are welcome to. I know this post is already long, but I'm going to share some things I have learned since I turned back to God.

This is where the title of the post comes into play. I have learned that all this advice people gave me, only caused confusion because I had already learned what I needed to learn. I think their advice was meant to be the same as what I was already applying to my life, but I felt it was different so I went back to my old habits and ways, thinking I was following the new advice. Make sense? Not really? That's OK it's not extremely important.

So I have long since been intrigued by attraction. What is attraction? Why do people seem to not acknowledge that we need attraction? Why don't people understand that my attraction for a romantic partner is different than my attraction for a friend? Why don't people understand that I want and need this attraction?

I ran into an old friend who also was interested in exploring attraction. And his theory was that we have needs we need to be met by a romantic partner, and we're attracted to certain people because we feel they have that something we need.

I had a pattern in my life of wanting a certain guy, but that guy not wanting me. I would loose that relationship and along would come some other guy. Usually a sweet friend, or someone I had an adoration for, but did not find attractive romantically. They confessed their love, so to speak, and their desire to fulfill my needs. And I started to feel attracted.
Did I? I don't know. Yeah I think they're cute. Maybe? Hmm. . . I need to see them again. Yeah, yeah I'm pretty sure I think they are attractive. Their voice kind of bugs me though. Not a big deal, not a big deal at all. We can't be picky right? No one is perfect Tricia. 
So I would date these guys, and I would go through a pattern of emotions myself. These relationships were usually marked as my longest, most successful relationships. But not my healthiest. But there was an issue. I did not like who I was in these relationships. My self esteem was low, everything was a fight and there was no way this could actually lead to happiness. Let me break down what I learned by highlighting the negative traits in myself and the things I think that caused them.

1. Codependency Mixed with My Partner Feeling Feeling a Lack- After looking back I think I figured out what caused most of the codependency. And it is the title of this post. This one is of the utmost importance because seemingly small things lead to big huge problems. Those small things are not being honest with yourself or your partner. When you withhold information, even the smallest bit of information, it can lead to that partner now being dependent on you. Say you make a decision. But to make that decision you pushed aside your own needs in the name of meeting your partners needs. Say you kept info from your partner that would allow them to be a part of making that decision- ie: Yes we could buy that, but it would have to go on the credit card. Instead of trusting your partner with the information needed to make a well informed decision you withheld information and, in a way, made a decision for them. It happens all the time. Not lying is one thing, but a harder one to recognize is not being open and honest. The simplest moments of open honesty can lead to a way more secure relationship. For example: Your partner says, "I need someone to talk to." Instead of pushing aside your needs at the time, or talking to them even though it is stressed, you honestly express your needs. "I can't talk right now because of *insert reason here*. Could I make some time to talk to you later?" Trust me it makes a world of difference. Be honest with yourself. Be honest about your needs. Then be honest with your partner. Trust them to take the info and make a mature and reasonable decision. Not to mention when you keep shoving your needs aside to meet their needs, needs that may not even matter that much if they understand the cost, a resentment starts to build up. And believe me when I say, you do not want to go down that road. That resentment leads to some very dark places. A more honest relationship with well established communication will create a return of a less codependent and much healthier relationship. 
2. Codependency Mixed with Anxious Stress- This one also ties into codependency. So these guys that I end up with usually expressed a desire to meet the basic, obvious needs in a relationship. They want to spend time with me. They make time for me. They offer to go places with me. And they are available and they pay attention to the things I like. Great right? So it would seem. But these were actually not my needs. It sounds nice, so nice. But in reality letting myself rely on the guys for these things, instead of maintaining my independence in those areas, killed my self esteem and my ability to stand on my own. Them meeting those needs soon becomes like a band aid. It doesn't actually help me, it just seems to help. And I become dependent on it and addicted like a drug. Soon I am consumed by anxious, excited stress. What they give is never enough. It could never be enough. I gave up my ability to provide what I needed for myself when I relied on them for it. And now I am putting a strain on this relationship that is not fair in the slightest. What are my actual needs? Who knows? I can tell you I don't mind going places by myself, I actually kind of like it. If you can come great! But if I put off doing something because I now don't want to go alone, not great. Having someone to talk to is nice, but if it comes at the price of that persons own mental health I don't need it. In reality I need is what was mentioned above, to be treated like a reasonable, mature and logical adult. An equal partner. Give me communication. Show me you trust me. Don't make me ask for information, give it to me freely. Establish a relationship of trust by doing the smallest of things, it can be done right at the beginning. And that is replying to messages. Not instantly. Not constantly. But show me that you will always reply eventually. Not lying guys. Its amazing how well this works. Don't leave me on "read" forever. And also offer info freely. Tell me why you can't reply right away, instead of leaving me to ask which causes me to feel like I'm an insecure jealous person. And once again establishes that you trust me to understand why you can't always reply. It does wonders!!!
3. Feelings of Worthlessness- This one  is rooted in the guys needs. Their needs are not adequately expressed. They usually express a basic need like the need for touch or cuddling, or the need to be desired. Needs aren't hard for me to meet, but usually I become incapable because I summed up their needs too simply. I had not been told otherwise what they needed, and now, even though I am meeting those basic needs, I am not enough. And then what happens to me? My self worth goes down the toilet. I start to feel like I will never be enough and I begin to stress and obsess about it. This also comes from another place. Most the time these guys have checklists. A list of items they want in a partner. And they are also trying to avoid the traits of their ex, so you are under the microscope for those things as well. Now you're constantly stressed about the fact that you like this guy, but that you may not meet all the qualifications outlined for the job. Even though you feel super willing to care for this person, and be there for them, you may not perform this one thing just right and then you will be shown the exit door. It is a stressful way to date, and a guy with a checklist is now not a guy for me. I am not mentally putting myself through that anymore. If you like me, if you enjoy my company and if I like you and I enjoy your company, lets spend time together. Simple as that. Lets have fun!!! Take the damn fear out of it, and lets just have fun please!
4. I'm Kind of a Bitch- To put it simply. . . yes, yes I am. When I go for these guys I often feel like I settled, and I become a brat. I feel that because I agreed to date them they should really appreciate me and how amazing I am. And when they don't I get kind of upset. I want to feel special. I want to feel like someone is grateful to have me in their life. And when I don't I'm left with a bitter taste. In an effort to avoid this negative trait of mine I try to turn things around. I try to notice what I appreciate about them. I try to be super grateful for them. I try to focus on their good traits that I feel lucky to have. And then this seems to create some sort of weird power play. They become the alpha, they still don't express their appreciation for me, and now they assume I am the "luck one" who should be so grateful they are dating me. I feel like I need a guy that I am grateful for at the beginning. Someone I am willing to humble myself for, and try to be better for. And hopefully this feeling is returned.

So this is where the attraction thing comes back into play. After my first marriage I set to stick with the guys I originally sought after, instead of settling for the one that comes along when I have lost what I wanted. I think this is why my needs were never actually being met, and I was having such negative responses to what should have been such a positive relationship. If my friends theory is true, the fact that I was not really attracted to these guys was probably because I knew they couldn't actually meet my real needs. My brain knew that, but I wanted to go for what was easy, so I convinced myself the other relationship was what I wanted. And in the end two people got stuck in a cyclone of bitterness and hurt because we were never going to be enough for each other. 

Sorry people that was long. Congrats if you are still here. Congrats if you actually read all of that and didn't just skim through it, like I sometimes do. I feel like I have made some real progress in life lately. I feel so much happier, and better about things. Life is still raining down it's shit storm on me, but I'm OK. I feel so much better about me and where I am at. I am taking care of myself better, and the stressed anxious sadness is gone. I don't know where life will take me. But I'm finding ways to be more content with where I am. I hope we all can find that place where we just let ourselves be worthy of the love we seek, and where we create a more honest relationship with ourselves and those around us.

You're Too Pretty to Cry, and Other Thoughts From Me

Tonight I went for a run. I always go for runs. There's nothing unusual about running. I mean, I kind of hate running, but still I run. But tonight I felt myself running from something. I've never run from emotions but tonight I wanted to believe I could.

Being pretty doesn't save you from heartache. Being pretty doesn't mean you have 100 amazing suitors lined up to date you. Don't mistake the fact that me getting hit on by guys mean I have tons of options. I have like -3 options. And when I find myself a good option. . . when I find someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me. . . someone who actually seems to be decent. . . they are usually so messed up from an ex that they are too heart broken to attempt to date.

I didn't expect this sadness to set in. I didn't expect it to be so deep and lingering. I didn't expect to feel it so fully. And I hate it. I hate it so much you know? I hate it because I know I'll be OK. I hate it because I have already found my happiness again, and yet I'm still sad. And I hate it because I don't know what to do.

I don't know if the hurt has passed. I don't know if missing someone is enough. I don't know if I'm thinking clearly. Is missing someone a sign that I'm ready to forgive and forget? Or is it just a natural byproduct of anything ending, bad or good? I never expected it to hurt this much. I thought I would come around. But the pain ran deeper than I thought it did, and it has taken a while for me to get to a place of understanding.

Usually I go through the sadness, the bitterness, the anger before I get to the happy and content part. This time I felt the happy/content part first. And even through the sadness, bitterness and anger I still felt that happiness and content. I know I'll be fine. But there's just no escaping this. It is what it is. No matter how you try to describe it a break up is a break up. It's going to hurt no matter how much you understand that it was necessary.

What's Been Going on With Tricia

So this is a different post. I'm mostly writing it to get my thoughts out because they need to go somewhere. I can't think straight anymore.

Most may know that life has been rough. I have had one disaster after another from expensive home repairs to just flat bad luck. When it rains it pours, and my attempts to try and stick it out and wait for the storm to pass were futile. The storm did not pass, it got worse. . .and worse. . .and worse. It was as though life was trying to kill any hope or self worth I had left. I lost my job, and I did my best to stay focused. I was planning to join the Army, and soon life would come back together. This was just temporary. Then the Army told me I didn't get the medic slot, and I was done. I slipped into a depression unlike anything I had experienced before. Life just felt hopeless. I called my friend crying saying I just couldn't take it anymore. People tried to present me with career paths but I couldn't bring myself to care about anything else. I had just lost an option that would help me get to a career I have wanted to do since I was in Jr High. I struggled everyday. I felt like there wasn't anything worth looking forward to. Lets face it, things were never going to get better. Where was the motivation to go on? I even tried convincing myself that my kids would be better off without me. But that was a lie even I couldn't believe.

In situations like these I would usually give up, so I forced myself to keep trying. I turned to other branches of the military. I tried to find medic slots in the National Guard, but it just wasn't working. I was so tired and strung out I just couldn't think about going to basic training anymore, or being away for six months. I had been in survival mode for a while. I still am in survival mode. How could I deal with the stress of the military on top of all this?  I had been powering through every single day. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I did little to upkeep my mental health. And in the midst of this chaotic mess of tiredness and stress I met a guy.

He was a friend I had met before at one of those rucking events I'm always going on about-- yeah I'm annoying. And we got together so I could ask him more questions about the military. We seemed to hit it off, and for once something happened that hasn't happened in a long time: a guy seemed as motivated to spend time with my as I was to spend time with him. It all seemed too good. There wasn't a leap to take here. It wasn't a risk. It seemed practically guaranteed. He said things that led me to believe he was planning on us being together for the long foreseeable future. So I had to stop and decide if I was ready for this too. I decided it seemed worth pursuing and jumped on board. The only issue was. . .well. . .there were issues. . .and he wasn't ready to commit. But he talked about wanting to do things together, even things that were a year out. So I decided to still give it a shot. He seemed to be a sweet, honest and good guy. And honestly he is those things. I had not met someone like this in a while. I didn't even think it was possible to meet someone like this. But I fear, with the inability to commit on his part, this may have been a mistake.

See my life was too stressful. As long as the relationship seemed to relieve that stress it seemed great. But when it became a stress too. . . it got hard.

My self worth was low. I had recovered maybe some of it, but everyday was a different story. Who knew when life would throw another failure in my face? They were coming at me like crazy lately. And because of this his inability to commit became a breeding ground for insecurities. I wasn't ready to be treated like a girlfriend one minute, and then reminded, yet again, he couldn't offer commitment the next. I wasn't ready to be held under the light and examined, picked and prodded at, brushed over with fine toothed comb to make sure I don't have traits like his ex wife. I wasn't ready to have my flaws highlighted as red flags that gave him concerns about pursuing things with me. He had his reasons to fear, and be insecure, and not trust. We all are broken. I just wasn't in a state to deal with these things. I did my best to understand him, and his point of view. I knew where he was coming from, and we communicated about things a lot. Please do not look at this as though he is a monster. We're all train wrecks, and under different circumstances I could have handled his train wreck better. I was just still stuck in my own train wreck.

Since I have not been mentally strong I have simply turned to old coping mechanisms and bad habits. I started to feel more anxious and stressed. Codependency reared its ugly head. Going out and doing things alone became depressing and sad. I didn't want to do anything anymore. It was so nice to have someone to do stuff with again. I just wanted to get back to spending time with him. I became the person I hate, relationship me, old relationship me. A relationship that had just started, that was new and fun, went straight to not fun way too fast. And he was stressed too, so it only added to it. This relationship was not mature enough to handle that stress. We needed more of the fun.

There was eventually a talk and an agreement to pick up things later. But right now, I'm just trying to turn the focus back onto me, and not hold out, or hope for, anything. I'm trying to finally work on myself like I should have been doing all a long. Honestly there was a sense of relief felt when it ended. Suddenly having to do things alone wasn't sad and depressing. I was actually getting excited about getting back to my life where doing stuff alone wasn't hard.

So moral of the story is this. In the single world you will hear this all the time: Hurt people hurt. Why do I mention all this? Because we're BROKEN!!! Be aware of your broken. Be honest with yourself. Make sure you are really ready to date because this thing was supposed to be something fun and amazing, but it ended up adding stress to my already stressful life. I didn't need to deal with all this on top of everything else, and I should have recognized that myself. But I didn't. And you know what it's OK. We have all been that broken person who probably hurt someone by moving on to fast. I knew I was broken and have done my best to stay away from the dating world. I have tried to work on things myself and discuss things about dating to get ideas and theories, so a lot of people keep suggesting forms of dating I should try. Men seem to not take me seriously when I tell them I don't want to date. I mean, you're single, of course you're interested in dating right? No!!! No I really am not in a good place to date. I decided to take a chance on something because it seemed like a guarantee that it would be great. I did my best to be a healthy person in the relationship. But soon it just became something that highlighted the insecurities I already had. And it really set me back.

Just make sure you're ready. Hurt people really do hurt. That doesn't mean you need to be 100%. It means you need to recognize that you are not 100% and just be honest with yourself and the other person about your wants and needs.

Relationships are bull shit people!!! I'm in a sinking ship with loads of dating advice pulling me down. My head is spinning and I can't do it anymore. I need to clear my head and get rid of all this advice garbage. I'm just doing my best to focus on me now.