TICK. . .TOCK. . .TICK. . .TOCK. . .TICK. . .

It's Sunday night. The last time I saw, or heard, from my guy was Friday. He had dropped more weight, he looked so tired. He came to see me though, and I am so grateful. I call his phone. It's finally ringing, but there is still no answer. I send a text in hopes I can have one last communication with him, but it doesn't happen.

My day after Mother's Day date. I love this pic! 

We went to Mi Ranchito. An oldie but goodie, and one of my faves. Isn't he handsome?

Now what? When will I hear from him? When will I be able to see him? How do I pass the time not knowing these things?

These are questions that I don't have the answers too. My guy works for the Army and on Monday at 4:00 AM he left for a training. I knew when he would leave, I know when he will come back. But I have not heard a word from him, whether through call, text or email, since Friday night.

Fun at a friend's reception. Her and her family got sealed in the temple. 

Dinner at Cracker Barrel afterward 

So I try to put my brace face on. I try to come up with a plan. A way to make it till the day he comes back. I tell myself that I probably will not hear from him till then, so just plan on that to avoid disappointment. But even if I avoid disappointment, it is still hard.

This date night finally found me being able to wear the hat he gave me.

I spent all weekend staring at my phone. I felt myself get weak, and sick. I figured I be visiting the bathroom a lot. But nothing happened. Only stomach cramps, back pain and hip pain. The pain is so bad it wakes me up in the middle of the night. I soak in the tub and finally get some sleep. In the morning I wake up, not rested at all. I'm still nauseous, my body aches, walking up the stairs fatigues me and my hips are killing me. I ask my Dad to take me to insta-care. They run tests, take some x-rays, but say it must just be a virus. I continue to just feel drained and sick. I can eat, but most things end up hurting my stomach. I wish I understood what was wrong.

I finally got him to go to PF Changs. But I forgot how expensive it is. Yikes! He was a good sport though.

And then I ask myself: "Is this how it feels to really miss someone?"

I don't know if I have ever felt that before. Can you miss someone so much your body aches? Can you miss someone so much you can't eat? I have heard people express these things, but I don't know if I believed they were real.

Dinner and a walk up to Bridal Veil Falls

Every date night he gets me Sodalicious. One of my Faves!

I do miss him. I miss him more than I thought I could miss someone. Maybe it's because I haven't heard from him that it feels so much harder that anything I have done before. But I just can't seem to adjust. I just can't come up with a way to get through these times when he'll be away.

You see people's situations. You assume you know how it will feel. How hard it must be when a husband has to leave the family for an extended amount of time. I always thought it was the stress of having to deal with things on your own, but it's so much more. I can do things on my own for the most part. And my guy and I are just dating, so he has helped me here and there, but not in a way I rely upon him for. No, there is something else. Something even harder to deal with. This person isn't here anymore, and I just want to hear their voice. I want to have a conversation with them. I want to hear something from them so I can feel like they still exist. I feel emotionally grounded. I feel I have let go of stress and anxiety. I told myself to stop looking at my phone. But even so, there is just still something missing, and the ache for that missing person just does not go away. No matter how you try to distract yourself.

I got him a new shirt for Father's Day. 

We had dinner at Costa Vida where a nice gentlemen struck up a conversation with us. When he left he told my guy, "There aren't many like her out there."

His reply, "Yes, I've noticed"

I am grateful for the people in my life though. Words of encouragement from those who have been there. Mutual friends with mutual experience that offer a sympathetic ear. It all helps a little. It is just so strange because all my coping mechanisms have left me unprepared. I thought I knew how to get through this, but I don't. I have never missed someone like this before.

He loves to garden! This was the Friday before he left. 

So I watch the time go by. I dare to hope that eventually it will get easier and the days will pass more quickly. I go to work, and I am just completely exhausted. Our schedule is different this week because of the holiday. I feel like every cell in my body is just completely drained of energy. My eyes won't focus and my brain just can't process anymore. This morning one of the dogs pulled me out of bed at 12:30 AM, and while she was outside using the facilities, the baby bird we took in chirped and wanted to eat. I stood their at 12:30 in the morning trying to squeeze food out of the syringe into the birds mouth, but I am so exhausted I can hardly open my eyes. My stomach starts to hurts and my legs just can't stand anymore. Eventually I collapse to me knees unable to take the increasing stomach pains that seemed to be getting worse from my having to stand.

It seems this week is a hard one to get through in many ways. I am super grouchy with my kids. I can't do much because I'm working 10's, and I just miss my guy. Even though I don't sit and anxiously wait for him to call. Even though I have tried to fill my time with other things. It's just something that is hard. I'm sure I'll learn how to better weather the storm. For now I'm just riding along, and waiting till the answers come.