I picked them up from daycare and, low and behold, there was no mention about the movie. There was just the usual fighting. I sort of breathed a sigh of relief. The sigh came out more as yelling I think ;). But then I got to the house, and I just did not have to energy to try and start projects or keep busy with the kids there, so I decided to keep my promise and I took them to the movie.
We got horrible seats, but we got in, and the movie was really cute. And I'm realizing now that there is a lot of depth in the message it shares.
So my interpretation of the message is that we need to feel sadness in order to feel joy. Also, that we need to not be afraid of feeling sad. This was a good reminder for me. I have indeed been sad with my guy out of town. I haven't coped with it all that well. Having never really felt this particular way, in the particular situation, I was low on ideas as to how to deal with it. I just sat and felt the emotion, did my best to analyze and waited for answers.
A book reminded me to take back my power and search for what I was missing from him inside myself-- if that makes sense. So I did that. And I felt pretty good. But even after this there was still something missing. I can do my best to be as whole a person as possible, but I really just miss him as a person. There isn't one thing that he brings that I feel I "need" and that I need to learn to find in myself. I just miss him period.
I was also reminded to not make myself a victim. So I worked hard on that. Part of me ran the thoughts through my head, "This isn't fair!" "I've gone through so much already, why do I now have to go through this?" "I deserve to just have things work out and go smoothly!" But honestly they didn't fit at all. I tossed them aside like the dirty laundry that they are, and continued to strive to not make myself a victim in other ways.
I really just wanted to talk it all out with someone too, but I don't want to annoy people with my yucky relationship dribble. Writing on the blog has helped a little in that aspect. But again, I just still feel this weight like I just need to talk about it till I can't talk anymore.
Then there were times when I did feel more at peace and content. But I'd go to work, and the memories of us working together flooded back. How lucky was I just a couple months ago to be able to have him right there with me at work. Now he's across the country, and I haven't even gotten an email. And yet when he did work there, that felt hard too. And I'm also glad that he left when he did otherwise things might have started to get sticky with management.
I tried my best to feel joy again, but I knew what the answer all along. And the movie helped me to remember. I knew I just needed to let myself feel sad. And that feeling that way was OK. It doesn't make me weak, and I can feel sadness and joy at the same time. I can't fight the sadness of missing this person. I just need to appreciate it for what it is, and continue to look forward to the joy I know I will feel again.
Even if the boys gave me a bit of a headache, I'm glad we made it to the flick. I just need to see it again with better seats. I'm also glad that I listened to other promptings and got back into my dancing again. It's something I haven't done in a long time, and I've been telling myself I need to get back into it. Not just for the exercise, but for the emotional expression and release it brings.
Just a few more days to get through. I'm grateful for my boys putting up with my grouchiness, and my parents for their support, and everyone else who has helped along the way. Deep down I'm grateful to experience this. It lets me know that I have an opportunity to learn and grow some more, and it lets me know that this relationship is real, and hard, but a good hard. It's not just that honeymoon, everything is perfect, he's so amazing until reality hits, type of relationship.
Go see the movie! It's lots of fun!
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