Of All The Gin Joints. . .In All The World. . .

Here's Looking at You Kid

There was nothing unusual about the evening. I sat down in my bathroom staring at my phone. I checked it several times to make sure it still worked, and I was fighting the all too familiar battle in my head: "Is he not replying because he can't right now, or am I just an idiot for thinking he cares?" This has been a struggle for me, I've had to pass my stress and anxiety on to the Lord many times, and ask for his peace. I have had to have faith that the whispering of the spirit that said, "Everything is alright don't worry," was true. This night I grew weaker. I began to cry and told my Heavenly Father I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. I couldn't handle this relationship. Then to my left I heard a voice, a pleading, "Please don't give up! Please just stay! Please keep trying!"

The peace washed over me. My love and patience grew, and I continued to stay true to the man I have grown so fond of.

The relationship hasn't been an easy one. I myself have had to make sacrifices, and was often fearful that I was a fool to do so. But usually my sacrifices were not in vain. But even so there were times that I struggled, and still struggle, to keep my patience about me.

When he started his job with the Army he told me he would be leaving for 3 months for schooling. It didn't worry me. I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to really learn about our relationship. They added two more weeks of schooling onto this. Well that's OK. I mean if you're already going 3 months, you can make it another 2 weeks right? 

We got to spend a good amount of our summer together which I appreciated. Things weren't perfect, but they worked. And I really cherished whatever time we could find. 

Then a curve ball came our way. It was a bump in the road for our relationship, and probably meant an inevitable move for him. In my heart I begged "Please, oh please, don't just throw our relationship away. Please don't move until we are ready to plan a future together or until we know there is no future to be had."

We both love classic movies. He brought me some to watch and one of those was Casablanca. I cried when I watched it. The feeling felt all too familiar. I'm hoping my own Humphrey Bogart will not make me get on that plane. Please don't let my story be similar to this one!

The only thing I could do was to wait, and trust in my Heavenly Father when he continued to tell me to stay.

The 2 week training came. I survived, but it wasn't easy. It was unknown what communication would be like when he was gone. I went two weeks without hearing a single word from him. All I knew was when he was supposed to come home. I called him that day and received a message that his phone was out of service. I honestly was unsure if I would ever hear from him again. Luckily I got four hours on that Sunday. He then left to visit his family. When he came back there would just be one more week before he left for 3 months. 

We'll Always Have Paris

I took time of work that week and made arrangements for the kids to be with their Dad, so we could spend a good day and a half together. 

We went hiking up to silver lake

Silver Lake

He said he was glad he was finally able to start a fire, so he didn't have to feel like he failed me as a man ;)

and we stopped at Tibblefork Reservoir 

and created some wonderful memories 

Then I put together a farewell party for him on the 25th. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the week. His phone still was not working. 

My lovely fruit tray creation for the party

The boys and  I getting ready for party time

I Love You so Much, And I Hate This War So Much 

The day of the party came, and all I had was the fact that he told me he would be at my house at 2:00 or 2:30. So I waited. Sometimes fear crept in. But I told myself, "More often than not, he has come when he said he would." So I told myself not to worry and to just wait. 2:00 came and went. That's OK he said 2:00 or 2:30. It was now 2:30. Still no sign. And then 2:45. I couldn't wait much longer the party was at 3:00 and I had to help finish setting up. I went to my parents house. thinking he certainly wouldn't be long. Then 3:00 came. My patience was gone. I was certain nobody was even going to come, and now the guest of honor was not even here. I gave into the fears. My frustrations seeped out, and my temper showed it's ugly face. I was such a fool to throw this stupid party, and he doesn't even care about the time and sacrifice it took to put it on. My friend showed up, and I tried my best to just be calm and OK, but I'm not terribly good at that.

Thankfully she was OK letting me vent a little-- hopefully she was OK ;). It was now close to 3:30 and only one person had come. I tried my best just to carry on and enjoy the party regardless. I stepped out front to check once more if he was there. Low and behold there he was standing on the front porch. 

He usually has a good reason. The times I let my fears and doubts seep in and allow me to get angry or upset I find there was no reason for it. And I certainly was not prepared for the reason he told me this time.

What he told me caught me off guard. Now everything is up in the air, and uncertainties once again arise. He needs to tend to his family emergency, and I need to have faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. . .for us.  

The boys were so excited to give him the gummy bears they set aside for him to take on his trip

We were able to enjoy the party. More people showed up, and I am just so grateful to everyone that came. And after the party, him and I got to enjoy some time together. We just stayed up all night talking.

I promise it was mostly talking ;)

I now once again find myself at a loss. Why now? What will this mean for us, for him, for everyone? 

I feel so helpless when I watch him struggle. This helplessness is terribly exemplified even more now. 

I'm not sure what Heavenly Father has planned for us. All I know is he continues to tell me stay. Even through all the hardships. Even though at times I feel like a fool. Even when I struggle to understand all of this. Sometimes I wish things could just be so much simpler--  maybe more than sometimes. I still know I'd much rather have him, simple or not. And I'm hoping Heavenly Father didn't lead me to that "Gin Joint"-- well work-- where we met, for nothing.