"Let It Go"-- Yes, I Even Had to Write a Blog Post About It

So I wanted to write this post a while ago, and this post from another blog inspired me to finally put one together. I thought this, along with my Pinky Pie posts, might lead some to thinking I'm a delusional crazy person, which may be partly true. The truth was I really emotionally connected to the song, and it was all I could do to keep myself from running to the nearest mountain top and belting it at the top of my lungs, complete with sparkly dress and fancy white hair. Have you ever heard a song that struck you down so deeply it was all your body could do to keep your soul from bursting out. I think this is why I love music. I think this is why I love singing. I just love so passionately conveying something that has so much of me in it I can hardly keep myself from disappearing completely into it. I hadn't loved a song like this for a while, and I consider it an awesome treasure when I discover new music. It's like Christmas Morning for me. And it's even greater when I can sing it fully charged with the emotions that I feel when I hear it, which I'm still working on with this song.

When I first heard this song I wasn't sure if I liked it, but then I found myself unable to stop humming it. Then I went to desperately wanting to sing it but not knowing the words. So I listened to it, and next thing I knew I was hooked. I "let go"-- haha :)-- of my skepticism and bitter self that tries to keep from overly loving, liking and being hopeful and just loved it. And I loved the idea of being so drawn in with the animation that goes along with the song that I struggled not to just act it out in my front room.

Why is this so important that I have to write a whole blog post about it? Well, because I haven't felt like that in such a long time. I used to get lost in Broadway and theater pieces all the time. But one summer working at a professional theater and it all became tainted. I had a really hard time going back to theater I loved. I even still tried to love what I loved about theater, but it was no use. It felt ruined. And then add on my other life experiences and. . .well. . .in all just became more tainted.. Loves stories, loves songs, song interests, you name it.

But on top of all that there's what this song's lyrics meant to me. As I sang the song I realized it had such a deep meaning for me. I had kept myself inside a frozen little shell since I found out about the affair, not knowing if I dared to let myself love or believe in love and happy endings. I didn't want to be bitter, but I was. I could no longer live in reality and still belive that life could be good and happy. I was fully immersed in the reality now, and I no longer dared to believe, or hope, in anything because it just hurt to much when it didn't come true to even somewhat of a degree.

Then there's the song "Let It Go" about how Elsa, the character that sings it, can finally let go and isn't held back by fear anymore. This is what it felt like when I finally realized I could learn to love and trust again if I started with loving and trusting myself and God. When I filed for divorce a huge weight was lifted. I felt happier then I had in years, and working towards a future felt so much more worth it. At first I thought happiness would come from realizing I could find a new love and have a new chance at a love story. But then I learned that it meant I needed to finally love myself, and be there for me. When I learned that I felt I could make things work with my husband. Investing in him was scary, but investing in myself, and God, was do-able. I needed to be strong in order to make our family strong.

Finally writing a post about my experiences was a "Let It Go" moment as well. You're told you would be wiser to keep these things between you and your husband and that sharing them is a betrayal and it is going to put a strain on your marriage. I do believe all of that is true. But if you could see the full on trauma that an affair causes it becomes an unfair thing to ask. It's all very real, and it's very hard to keep it from breaking you. So when I could finally wrote about it I could finally start to heal and "Let It Go". As a small note, I make sure to keep my husband in the loop, and get his approval for all my blog posts before I publish them.

In some sense this can leave me a little in the cold when it comes to friends, family and acquaintances. But I guess I just need to be like Elsa sometimes and say, "The cold never bothered me anyway." Haha! Yeah not entirely true, but I have to keep that risk in mind.

So that's another one of my in depth emotional experiences with an animated feature. I know it seems strange, but I do find myself relating to these things. When I was little I always knew my mom loved Cinderella. I bought her Cinderella stuff, she always watched the movie, she talked about going to see it in the theaters when she was younger, etc. Just recently she was giving me a pep talk about trying to stay happy and she said, "Watch happy movies. I like to watch Cinderella because I just want to be like her. She went through all this horrible stuff and yet she is happy and has no guile. And that is just such a good reminder for me" I really like that. Even though it's a fairytale you can still see that there are things that apply to real life. I think this is how I always viewed fairy tales. I didn't get lost in the fantasy. I related to the themes that applied to my reality. 

Simply Put, Life is Too Complex to Describe Simply

In life I find it becoming extremely difficult to put things into words in a way that both makes sense, and describes my intent and what I am trying to say. Things get lost in translation, fall on deaf ears or I get responses that are almost so off from what I was going for I could swear we were talking in a different languages. This doesn't happen all the time. More often than not I find people in my life understand perfectly what I am saying even when I can't say it perfectly.

But still it's hard to describe my life. It's hard to describe my feelings about my life, and sometimes when I write them out I often feel, "I've done a terrible job of really conveying what I'm thinking and feeling."

Most the time I rehash or re-describe things over and over again trying to find a way to perfectly describe what I mean and how I feel (P.S. Sorry if I have ever done this to you I'm sure it's annoying). And I have to have that description be perfectly understood by all. And it also needs to be said in the most honest and sincere way possible. But that is never going to be possible. No matter how crazy it drives my little obsessively honest personality.

It's hard to explain how I do love my husband, and don't feel unhappy in my marriage. But at the same time I wish I had known more when I got married, and taken more into consideration.

It's hard to explain how(most the time) I see the affair as something that happened to me, not something my husband did to me. I have a way of separating the two in my mind. I survived the affair, and made it through and I want to share my journey with the world. But when I type up a post to proudly show my husband he gets a pained look as he reads about all the stuff I went through. It's hard when the person who is closest to you is also the one that hurt you almost beyond repair. You want to share your story of survival, but yet you still share a bond with the one involved. Letting it be a story of your past that you can openly share becomes sticky, and it seems defy all those rules of marriage that were given to you by friends and family. I don't write these things with an intent to rub it in his face and say, "Look what you did!" I write them because it's a hardship I went through that I feel gives me more depth and character, and I just want to share my experience.  I can separate the two in my head. I speak of anger, frustration and pain and direct it at the affair, but not necessarily my husband. It works in my head, but it doesn't always work when I try to put it in writing or describe it to others.

And it's also hard to describe how I'm grateful for what I learned because of the affair, and for some of the additions it brought to my personality. But I will never be grateful for the affair itself. It was the most awful, lonely, terrible thing I've gone through. And I would gladly take it out of my life story if I could.

And sometimes it's hard to describe my love for my kids, but the hardship of having to raise four boys four and under. Motherhood is one of the greatest things I've ever experienced, but I wish, for the sake of my kids, that I had made the decision to become a mother more maturely. It will never be the perfect time to have kids I know. But, to be honest, I'm absolutely certain I'm making a big mess of the whole thing.

It's hard to describe how I am happy with my life, but that I made some poor decisions that led me to being stuck between a rock and a hard place. . .a very hard place. . .maybe throw another rock in there too. I can't jump up and down for joy and excitement, but I can enjoy the joy and excitement that comes from being a mom and there is even a part of me that can have gratitude for the things I have gone through and learned. What I have learned has allowed me to be more open and empathetic and understanding towards others. Well, I try anyway. I appreciate the relationships my trials have brought into my life.

 It's hard to describe many of the things I experience in my little world. One that has stumped me lately is the question, "Are you OK with your choice to stay?" The question comes in many forms, but it's always a hard one to answer.

It is hard to stay. It's hard to be tormented by my personality everyday. It's hard to keep myself in check. It would be so easy to throw on fancy robes and a crown and walk around with an, "You owe me-- I'm better than you-- Everything you say is wrong and stupid and you should just be grateful I'm still here" sort of air. So hard in fact I get exhausted keeping myself in check. So what do I do? I put myself down: I'm fat and ugly-- I'm hard to live with-- whose to say others wouldn't look at our situation and think, "I can see why it happened"-- I'm too unreasonable, hypocritical and I just wasn't cut out to be a good wife.

The struggle within myself is the hardest to maintain. Am I justified to feel this way? Should I have shared that? Do I really have nothing good to say? Is this something worth being upset about, or am I just being an unreasonable bully?

It's one of the reasons I decided to file for a divorce. I just couldn't be nice anymore. And that was wearing me down just as well as, I'm sure, it was wearing him down.

I know he's a good person. That he does good things and has good qualities. But I can't go and declare on facebook "I have the most amazing husband ever!" I know that nobodies perfect, and we need to over look those flaws, and see the good. I've been taught that. I strive to do that. And that's why it's so hard to find that I'm a person that has a hard time looking for those things, and writing them out.

We've both come a long way. My husband has as well. He has made a lot of changes. He is very attentive. And he has sought forgiveness. Can I give it to him? Have I already? Is this struggle being unforgiving, or is it just part of what is to be expected. I know he doesn't deserve to have this held against him his whole life. What if I'm not strong enough to not hold it against him?

There's a part of me that is looking for more to be angry about. There's a part that wants to be more justified. And I think it's the part of me that is just longing to know if she is worth loving or not. My husband expresses that love for me daily. He compliments me to the highest degree. But even so a part of me will never feel that love completely because of what happened. There are too many "what if's" that come into play.

"Am I OK with my choice to stay?" Yes I am. I make the choice daily to stay. But that also means I struggle with it daily as well. It's hard to explain, and hard to describe. The whole situation is hard, and a little complex. I battle with things, mull over things and come to peace with things numerous times.

The other day while helping a family member they turned to me and gave me a hug and said, "You've been through a lot. I don't know if I could have survived it." Sometimes I just need that little reassurance. I'm working hard to try and keep my pride at bay. I'm working hard to make sure I don't get to thinking, "I'm so much better," or anything along those lines. Sometimes I just need that little encouragement from the outside to give the me on the inside some relief.

It's funny how simple life seems at first. You get these simple rules to live by. You take these simple things to help you get through life. But then things get complex. Life throws you a curve ball. And while your trying to recover you realize simpleness doesn't always work. There is always an exception. And you'll probably be lucky enough to find it. And then you'll write entire blog posts trying to describe it.

Lets Kick 2014's Butt!

 Taken by Emily Pearl Photography

As I'm scrolling through my facebook, for about the 11th time that hour on New Years Eve, I see a lot of friends bidding farewell to 2013, and welcoming 2014 full of hope. It causes me to ask myself, "What are my feeling towards this new year?"

P.S. Enjoy a short photo montage of the year as you read. 

I have to say 2013 wasn't my worst year. The beginning was full of PTSD, and stress. I cracked numerous times under the pressure of trying to pass my EMT class, work, take care of kids, etc. And I even filed for divorce-- but ended up canceling it. But even so 2013 is not the worst year. I would sooner toss 2012 and 2011 out the window as I drive my car on this road of life. But still I'm not sad to say goodbye.

Watched this little guy go from a baby to a toddler in a snap-- I missed so much of his first year

 

  

Turned one in September

Do I look forward to the New Year? The New year has never been my favorite. I don't much care for January and February. I hate saying goodbye to Christmas. I really hate transitioning back to listening to non-Christmas music. And, most importantly, I don't like change. But I've learned to embrace the new year, and enjoy the time to make a fresh start and try to begin getting on top of things-- like my diet.

Got way too in the habit of taking selfies

But the more I think about it the more I find I really don't have any expectations or excitements for this new year. Sounds pretty depressing right? As much as I try to find a positive and excited out look the side of me that can't stand uttering a single word that feels even slightly dishonest won't allow it. But I don't find it depressing. It doesn't mean that 2014 is going to be a horrible year, or that my life is completely terrible and full of nothing to look forward to. It just means that I can't find a way to put my feelings into words in a way that feels honest.

Easter and Summer

Boys and injuries. Kids and getting sick.

There are some things I am excited for. I have some new savings ideas for our family. And some new projects for our food storage. I have lacked the energy to stick with plans to save money and pinch every penny for quite some time. But now I'm feeling ready to obsessively get our lives in order again.

 Watched my business take off like crazy thanks to all my amazing friends.

I'm hoping to help my kids learn to earn and save money as well. I want to teach them good habits.

 Got into natural healing and selling doTERRA

Learning to accept that even if I can't create a masterpiece what I can do is good enough

 Finally planted something in our "garden"

 Tried raising chickens until the city found out, oh and we only ended up with a rooster

 Saw my husband in uniform.

 Got a new dog that became a great friend to our little guy.

I'm very close to my associates degree. One more semester and a completion of my math courses, and I should have my associates, and the ability to apply for the paramedic program-- maybe even nursing school. That's crazy! I've never come this close to completing goals. But of course the sooner I'm done with school the sooner I have to start paying on student loans. YIKES!

Completed an EMT course even when I was certain I would fail. I should finally get my certification.

I'm excited to try and get back to my goal of reading one book a month.

School

And I'm halfway through writing a book. This may be the year I finally reali1ze my resolution of submitting a book to a publisher.

Took kids to the zoo for the first time ever!

So 2014 should be a pretty decent year. Though I still see little hope of really getting my life back to the place I want it to be. It will still be crazy with school, my business, bills, kids, etc. And I probably won't ever see the days again where I had schedules and routines, and where everything felt good and under control and not like a total mess.

Us in 2009. The last time I remember life making sense. Photo taken by Tilt Photography

I'm going to make an effort to try and get back there. I've been trying for a while. I've been hitting the reset button over and over again throughout the year of 2013. But for everything I do to try and get our lives back in order, everyone else seems to do 5 things to keep us off course. Oh well, we're just at a crazy stage in our lives. Even so, I feel ready to try a few new things with the new year.

Enjoyed fall including talk like a pirate day, Halloween and my Birthday

Oh and Surgery(not so enjoyable) and Thanksgiving.

I can still totally rock a fruit tray.

I can't really say I feel excited about any gallant leaps, or big changes, or finally coming to a good place in 2014. But I can't really say that feels as discouraging as it sounds. I don't have a super positive and chipper outlook on life. But I wouldn't say I dwell on the depressing things either-- well.  . .maybe just a little. I think I just find positivity in the moment and try to be happy with the things that make me happy no matter how hard life is.

Enjoyed several trips down south including to the cousin reunion and a visit right before Christmas. 

When I look at the future I'm certain of one thing, It will bring more hardship. Do I look forward to that? Not exactly. But I can look forward to the fact in knowing that I will probably find a way to laugh everyday and my kids will probably do and say things that make me smile. I will slowly see myself accomplish goals I never thought a person like me was made to accomplish. And that through all those hardships I will learn more and enjoy a moment of clarity. I really don't see it being possible to get to a point where I can say my life is good and exactly how I want it to be. But what I do see possible is laughing, singing and dancing everyday even if there are tears thrown in the mix as well.

Said goodbye to Grandma A

Perhaps my life would be better if I planned for a more positive out come in the distant future instead of just planning on taking positivity one day at a time. I'm working towards that future as best as I can, but I still feel very uncertain about what it will bring. I don't know if my education will pay off. I don't know if I have what it takes to take care of and raise my kids. I have to admit it kind of freaks me out to think of being responsible for these four for the rest of their lives. I don't know if I can do it. So I just always go back to taking it day by day.

Made some incredible friends

So I guess I will say, "Bring it on 2014! I'm ready to kick your butt!" OK actually, no, I won't say that. I'm really not ready for more to come my way. I'm certain a break down once a semester is still going to be the norm. But we'll laugh and smile and try not to yell and just Pinky Pie

My new life mentor, Pinky Pie

 

 (basically laugh and maybe throw parties) our way through this new year ;).

Enjoyed a Christmas unlike any we have ever had. 

Including a Polar Express ride.

Happy New Year!