In life I find it becoming extremely difficult to put things into words in a way that both makes sense, and describes my intent and what I am trying to say. Things get lost in translation, fall on deaf ears or I get responses that are almost so off from what I was going for I could swear we were talking in a different languages. This doesn't happen all the time. More often than not I find people in my life understand perfectly what I am saying even when I can't say it perfectly.
But still it's hard to describe my life. It's hard to describe my feelings about my life, and sometimes when I write them out I often feel, "I've done a terrible job of really conveying what I'm thinking and feeling."
Most the time I rehash or re-describe things over and over again trying to find a way to perfectly describe what I mean and how I feel (P.S. Sorry if I have ever done this to you I'm sure it's annoying). And I have to have that description be perfectly understood by all. And it also needs to be said in the most honest and sincere way possible. But that is never going to be possible. No matter how crazy it drives my little obsessively honest personality.
It's hard to explain how I do love my husband, and don't feel unhappy in my marriage. But at the same time I wish I had known more when I got married, and taken more into consideration.
It's hard to explain how(most the time) I see the affair as something that happened to me, not something my husband did to me. I have a way of separating the two in my mind. I survived the affair, and made it through and I want to share my journey with the world. But when I type up a post to proudly show my husband he gets a pained look as he reads about all the stuff I went through. It's hard when the person who is closest to you is also the one that hurt you almost beyond repair. You want to share your story of survival, but yet you still share a bond with the one involved. Letting it be a story of your past that you can openly share becomes sticky, and it seems defy all those rules of marriage that were given to you by friends and family. I don't write these things with an intent to rub it in his face and say, "Look what you did!" I write them because it's a hardship I went through that I feel gives me more depth and character, and I just want to share my experience. I can separate the two in my head. I speak of anger, frustration and pain and direct it at the affair, but not necessarily my husband. It works in my head, but it doesn't always work when I try to put it in writing or describe it to others.
And it's also hard to describe how I'm grateful for what I learned because of the affair, and for some of the additions it brought to my personality. But I will never be grateful for the affair itself. It was the most awful, lonely, terrible thing I've gone through. And I would gladly take it out of my life story if I could.
And sometimes it's hard to describe my love for my kids, but the hardship of having to raise four boys four and under. Motherhood is one of the greatest things I've ever experienced, but I wish, for the sake of my kids, that I had made the decision to become a mother more maturely. It will never be the perfect time to have kids I know. But, to be honest, I'm absolutely certain I'm making a big mess of the whole thing.
It's hard to describe many of the things I experience in my little world. One that has stumped me lately is the question, "Are you OK with your choice to stay?" The question comes in many forms, but it's always a hard one to answer.
It is hard to stay. It's hard to be tormented by my personality everyday. It's hard to keep myself in check. It would be so easy to throw on fancy robes and a crown and walk around with an, "You owe me-- I'm better than you-- Everything you say is wrong and stupid and you should just be grateful I'm still here" sort of air. So hard in fact I get exhausted keeping myself in check. So what do I do? I put myself down: I'm fat and ugly-- I'm hard to live with-- whose to say others wouldn't look at our situation and think, "I can see why it happened"-- I'm too unreasonable, hypocritical and I just wasn't cut out to be a good wife.
The struggle within myself is the hardest to maintain. Am I justified to feel this way? Should I have shared that? Do I really have nothing good to say? Is this something worth being upset about, or am I just being an unreasonable bully?
It's one of the reasons I decided to file for a divorce. I just couldn't be nice anymore. And that was wearing me down just as well as, I'm sure, it was wearing him down.
I know he's a good person. That he does good things and has good qualities. But I can't go and declare on facebook "I have the most amazing husband ever!" I know that nobodies perfect, and we need to over look those flaws, and see the good. I've been taught that. I strive to do that. And that's why it's so hard to find that I'm a person that has a hard time looking for those things, and writing them out.
We've both come a long way. My husband has as well. He has made a lot of changes. He is very attentive. And he has sought forgiveness. Can I give it to him? Have I already? Is this struggle being unforgiving, or is it just part of what is to be expected. I know he doesn't deserve to have this held against him his whole life. What if I'm not strong enough to not hold it against him?
There's a part of me that is looking for more to be angry about. There's a part that wants to be more justified. And I think it's the part of me that is just longing to know if she is worth loving or not. My husband expresses that love for me daily. He compliments me to the highest degree. But even so a part of me will never feel that love completely because of what happened. There are too many "what if's" that come into play.
"Am I OK with my choice to stay?" Yes I am. I make the choice daily to stay. But that also means I struggle with it daily as well. It's hard to explain, and hard to describe. The whole situation is hard, and a little complex. I battle with things, mull over things and come to peace with things numerous times.
The other day while helping a family member they turned to me and gave me a hug and said, "You've been through a lot. I don't know if I could have survived it." Sometimes I just need that little reassurance. I'm working hard to try and keep my pride at bay. I'm working hard to make sure I don't get to thinking, "I'm so much better," or anything along those lines. Sometimes I just need that little encouragement from the outside to give the me on the inside some relief.
It's funny how simple life seems at first. You get these simple rules to live by. You take these simple things to help you get through life. But then things get complex. Life throws you a curve ball. And while your trying to recover you realize simpleness doesn't always work. There is always an exception. And you'll probably be lucky enough to find it. And then you'll write entire blog posts trying to describe it.
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