What it is to be Pretty

I've mentioned a couple times about "being pretty", so sorry if this is redundant. I just wanted to cut, and paste, a few thoughts here.

I remember I had my Mom on the phone. I can't remember why I had called her, but ultimately I probably had just wanted to talk. It was that year, that awful year. I had found out my husband had had an affair. I had found out I was pregnant with our 4th child, 2 weeks later. Somewhere down the road I found out that the baby was going to be our 4th boy. I had the baby, and my mind could not cope with the c-section. So I sat their and just cried. I dealt with PTSD from the affair and from the c-section. I tried to build myself up, and take the reigns of taking care of my family, but I crumbled under the pressure. And worst of all, I struggled to maintain a relationship with God.

I tried to get creative with my hair a couple weeks ago, and ended up have to chop off 3-5 inches. I wanted to cry. I get so many compliments on my short hair, but I still don't love it. Oh well! Hair grows back. 

P.S. I hate bangs!

So I called my mom to spill to her the many thoughts that ran through my head daily: the struggle to be happy, did I want to stay with this man(?), why did I have to have another child, etc. I remember saying to her, "People have always told me I'm pretty. They always note how pretty I am. But what has 'being pretty' ever gotten me?" Tears filled my eyes, and my heart filled with an emotion I still can't give words to.

I figured out the secret to wearing this haircut curly. I was so excited! Apparently it was a fluke because I'm yet to recreate it. 

I've enjoyed being pretty. I like how I look, most of the time. I've always been fairly confident in my looks, even if my number of dates never seemed to accurately reflect that. But even so being pretty has never gotten me anything special in life-- I don't know, perhaps it has and I just don't see it.

Short hair does what it wants. Bed head takes on new meaning these days. 

From my perspective, even though I'm pretty:

• I never felt like a got a free pass, or an excuse. I feel like I still had to work hard to get anywhere and anything.
• I still had depression and thoughts of suicide.
• I had moments where if I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw. If I could bring myself to look in the mirror I would mercilessly tear myself apart for having big arms that jiggled when I waved, short stubby legs that resembled Miss Piggy's and not being flawlessly beautiful like the actress on that one magazine-- You know who I'm talking about.
• I didn't get a lot of dates. I was told it was because I didn't put myself out there and I needed to go to a singles ward. So I did. I got "dates" alright. Mostly, "want to come over, hang out and cuddle on the couch?" type "dates". But you know what else I got? Dumped! I got dumped a lot. Over and over again, in a matter of weeks.

That terrible year of my life it was particularly hard to look in the mirror. The year leading up to it, and the year itself, were both challenging. I didn't like the person staring back at. There was a period of time when I wouldn't even look back at photos from those years.

The wasy I see it is: if you don't like who you are, you'll never be pretty enough. Being physically good looking is only a small percentage of what makes someone beautiful. You have to have an inside that matches. And that's the part I want people to see. That's the beauty I want to show. I want what's inside to be so full of beauty that it shoots out of my body and exemplifies my, already, good looks. And the inside is what I needed to work on.


Back in that horrible year I didn't feel pretty because I didn't like myself. I didn't like what I had become. I didn't like who I was on the inside. So no matter what beauty my outside shell had, it didn't help to console the beauty I had lost inside.

The Day after I tried to cut my hair, and before I was able get it chopped off to "fix" it, was Easter Sunday. I was trying to get ready. My hair was a mess. I felt so ugly. I just wanted to cry. I pinned back my bangs and put it up. I wasn't in love with it. Then one of my 7 year olds turned to me and said, "You look really beautiful, Mom."

Thanks buddy!

So what did I do? I spent the next four years reworking myself. I had to find myself again. I had to figure out what I wanted to keep from the past, and what I could do away with. I accepted wrong ideas and mistakes I had made. I had to rethink my religion and my relationship with God. I had to take religious "truths" I had been taught growing up and look them over again. I had to figure out why these promises, I had been made, didn't work out. But mostly, mostly, I had to find God and my Savior. I had to constantly go to him and ask him to show me my divine self, and my divine purpose. Then through him I discovered how I could heal these broken parts of me.

It wasn't an easy process. It didn't happen overnight. When you're the victim of an affair, you're trust is shot. Seriously! It is taken out to the woods, and shot fifty times. And when you think it's not dead enough a thread unravels of all the other lies in your life, and it gets shot fifty more times-- maybe add ten more shots just to be sure. You doubt everything. You even doubt yourself. You go through an identity crisis, and you wonder if a "you" ever existed that didn't know the pain of being cheated on, and lied to. The last thing that you can do is have Faith in a divine being. You hang on. You hang on with all your might. You try so hard not to let God go. But being asked to put trust, and have faith, in Him feels like an impossible task. I went about trying to incorporate religious practices into my life. I made sure to visit the temple once a month, and I worked really hard at getting to church every week. It wasn't about finding my faith again, it was more of a safeguard to make sure I didn't get totally lost. Putting total trust in God was not something I could do at the moment. Luckily, I had a lot of wonderful people in my life that were willing to help me find my way.

Today at church I got to talk to one of those people. I didn't have the kids, so that made it easier to sit back and visit. One woman who came to me was a woman who has walked a very similar road to my own. She asked for an update on how things were going in my life. I told her things couldn't be better. I'm happy, we're stable, life is under control and I'm just loving life. She was so glad to hear it. This woman was there for me in so many ways. I look back now, and truly appreciate all the times she took me in when I came to her door feeling frustrated and alone because more money had gone missing, or I found an email written to another girl. She was always there for me, and she always took me in. Even with all my kids in tow. Amazing! I thank the Good Lord everyday for sending her to me.

There was also my friend, who took time out of her life to take me to lunch and let me talk. She taught me things I could do to help me get through my PTSD and crippling anxiety. She ultimate helped me find my new path to God by sharing her testimony with me, and sharing her own experiences as well. People are amazing I tell you!

I still have my days where I struggle. I still have days I feel extremely unsure of myself. I still take selfies where I detest my horrid freckles, and my cheek bones that make my smile resemble the Joker's. But for the most part I am happy with myself inside and out. Being pretty only means something if you're happy with yourself. When you love yourself then you enjoy being pretty for one and only you. And that's when the benefits of being pretty finally come into play.

The rest of this post is just an update of activities I have been up to. I wanted to share my birthday celebrations, but I can't find the pics anywhere. So I'll just write about it .

How I Spent My 30th Birthday 

I took myself up to The Homestead Resort. I love it up there! I got a room, ate a prime rib dinner at their restaurant, went swimming in their awesome pool, went to Dairy Keen in Heber to get my favorite shake and spent some time in Park City. It was a really good way to celebrate the big 3-0.

It was also hard. The guy I was seeing, a while back, took me to The Homestead on our first date. We soaked in the crater there-- it has a natural hot spring. That relationship meant a lot to me. Things got pretty serious, and it was unlike any relationship I had ever experienced. That feeling people say isn't real, well it is real, and I found it. It took a lot of work, and I had to learn a lot of new things, but I cared about him enough to try and figure things out. I never got real closure from him. I don't know if he just couldn't handle everything. I really don't know. But I try to just keep peace and understanding in my heart. I told him I will be here if, and when, he wants to talk about it. 

Anyway. . .given all of this the trip had it's moments of hardships. There were a lot of tears shed, and I felt an emptiness I didn't know how to fill. But I visited with a good friend and came home to go to a birthday dinner with my parents and my four boys. I have people who love me, and God will find me a good man. I'm sure of that! I don't know who he is, but he's out there.

Me and my work peeps! We try and plan fun things every payday. We're pretty awesome!

Provo Beach Resort 

Nicklemania!

Dinner and the new Jungle Book movie

Friends and Family

Batman Vs Superman for my twins' birthday. It had to happen: one loves Batman and one loves Superman.

My Mom's Birthday

The boys don't always understand why Mom has to go to work even when they don't have school. They love getting some time off with Mom. I told them on their spring break that I would take a couples days off to spend with them. Well I did. It was awkward at work, but I did it. It was nice to get sometime with my little superheroes. It had its moments. Spending time together can naturally lead to some squabbling. I promise I'll behave better next time ;)

Fun on Center Street in Provo

Going to Zootopia!

We all love our Superheroes

Guys, there is no need to fight. I will happily date both of you.

Baptism for the neighbor. I was so glad we could make it. These neighbor's have been so kind to me and my boys. Our kids play together, which is just awesome! My kids have a hard time making friends in the neighborhood because They're at daycare till 5:00, and by then most the kids can't play anymore. 

Fun at the park.

Cabella's with the twins. I needed some work shoes, but I bought new running shoes instead. Oops!

KICKBOXING!!! Thanks to the help of my parents I've been attending a local kickboxing class. It's mostly a dance like aerobic workout. But this one week we had a sub and she was fierce. She was teaching us real technique, and wanting good hits and kicks. It was awesome! She even singled me out to compliment my ability, in front of the whole class. A bit awkward for an introvert like me, but it still gave me a boost. This not only helps me keep up my moods, but it helps build up confidence. As someone who has personally experienced being overpowered by someone in a fight, and realizing how techniques you think will work aren't all that effective, this is important. I can be STRONG!!!

Me and Iris are AWESOME! It's been really great to have a good girlfriend to hang out with. 

Check out our jugs! haha! Us well endowed women need to stick together. 

My boys will often help me pick out my clothes. Sometimes I ask them which shoes to wear, or if they like the earrings I chose. And sometimes they'll come in and start looking at my wardrobe and select things for me. It's super adorable! Thanks to my 7 year old for helping me pick the right shoes for this outfit. 

Getting ready for Comic-con. Wigs can be fun!