Don't Get Scared Now!

Awww. . .blogging. It has been a while, no? I'm a little torn. I really want to keep up with the blogging. I want to keep sharing my ideas, and stories. But there is one thing that bugs me about blogging. It seems to suck time away. I sit down to write a quick post, and next thing I know I've updated my kids' facebook, organized all my pictures, and watched "Hocus Pocus", twice, and still am yet to produce a blog post. Oh well, lets give it another go, shall we?

So about a month ago, actually a month ago exactly, I took a trip to Ohio to visit my friend. I mentioned him earlier. He rode his bike across the USA-- seriously look up the story because it's awesome. I had so much fun!

One of the reasons for this trip, kind of, was to deliver this drawing. It's a little tribute I made for his incredible bike ride

I made him go to the Comic Book Convention with me. It was hard to choose between my Elektra costume and my Harley Quinn. But my friend is Catholic, so that added a little more pull to Elektra. How perfect it was to be Elektra escorted by a cute little Catholic boy. He didn't even need a costume.

I totally *heart* Sherlock. You can't top Mr. Cumberbatch

 I finally found a me a Daredevil to pose with.

He had fun showing me Cincinnati and all his favorite things. He was especially sure to take me to the river because I was so excited about it. I fell in love with that river! I'd love to go back there and just sit on the little bench swing and watch the boats go by.

We went out after the Comic Book Convention. I had to change in the car and somehow style my hair after wearing a wig. I also had on tons of make-up because I didn't want to the wig to overpower my face. Upon using the restroom I took a glance in the mirror. I then had to apologize to my friend for having to escort a drag queen all over town. Oh it looked awful!

 Hofbräuhaus

It was so much fun!

I had so much fun I took all my favorite experiences and squeezed them together in another drawing.

Not finished yet, but It was fun to create.

Yes it was quite an adventure! From trying to get my hair done before he got back and told me just to leave it, because it looked fine, to all the fun new experiences I got to share with a sweet friend. I miss it all! Especially the river. Oh man do I want to see that river again! Life is never dull with this guy around.

Small disclaimer:

 Any questions regarding "this guy" and "what's going on" will most likely be answered vaguely. I don't want any advice or critiques, or to be accused of premature Facebook announcements. I am not responsible for the assumptions other's choose to make, or not make. I don't want to be told it's too little or too much. It is what it is and I just want to enjoy! Thank You! :)

I think the greatest thing about all of this is the experience. I get to embark on experiences I never had before. And that is really what this post is about.

Take this experience for example:

Last night I went with my friend to a bar in SLC to celebrate his birthday. It was a total blast, and it was an experience I would never have had if I had chosen to stay wrapped up in my little shell, drudging through life asking myself, "Is this really it?"

I hung out in a bar. I watched a bunch of people get drunk and crazy. I even got hit on by a girl-- totally don't swing that way but thanks for the offer. It sounds crazy, but it was fun! So fun!

So that's what I'm here to share. I used to be scared of the world. I used to be timid, and shy, and broken. So very broken. I looked at other women like me. Other women who had experiences like me. Women who had gone through similar hardships. And sometimes it seemed that person was still broken and hurt. Even after years and years. Even after managing to stay married. Even after all this, they were timid and scared. Not all of them were like this, and I don't know that I would necessarily say it was a mistake.  Everyone has different paths, but that wasn't mine. It couldn't be mine. Please, God, don't let it be mine. I didn't want to end up like that. I didn't want to be scared for the rest of my life. So whether I stayed married or not, I was determined to become something more.

Nothing was going to stop me from living. Nothing was going to overpower me like that. Even if it was my own mind that was closing me in. I put my trust in God. I prayed to him daily. I let him transform me. And slowly he pulled of the layers. He stripped away the assumptions I thought were truths that would keep me safe from heartache. It was hard! Sometimes it was painful. Sometimes I just didn't want to do it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I just want to go back. But He showed me a new life. He showed me new people. People I never would have met as the old me, married or not. And, you know what? I would never turn back. Even if it seems easier, and simpler. I would never trade it in.

The relationships I had in the past were all relationships that suited who I was at the time. But as I keep changing, learning and growing those relationships suit me less and less. I would never go back to them. Even for safety and security. But I also know I needed them to get me to where I am. They weren't a mistake. I like where I am. I like who I am becoming. And, though I may not repeat some of the things that have happened to me, I wouldn't take them back either.

I don't feel it's a mistake that I am where I am. Nor, would I say that everyone has to do as I did. We all need to find our own paths. I would only say this:

Just don't stay scared and broken!

What Have I Got?

Flaming, rich, pouring, emotional outrage!!!

That's what I want to to do. I just want to spew every ugly emotion, that has been coursing through my veins, right here on this page. I want to yell at the world to stop giving me rules and advice, by giving them rules and advice on how to treat me. I want to be angry. I want to be bitter. I want to throw in the towel and say, "I'M DONE!" I want to close myself off, make myself numb and not care anymore.

Too often lately I've wanted to try something, but I have let myself get discouraged.

Too often lately I have let the voice of one critic bring me down.

Too often lately I have wished I could just be bitter, angry and mad at he world.

Too often lately I have gotten hung up on the wrong things.

Too often lately I have wanted something to be something awesome, without having to start somewhere not awesome first.

Too often lately I have doubted myself, and doubted God.

I hate my book!

I hate my blog!

I hate my stupid self for ever thinking I had something to offer!

What I thought I wanted is too hard to hope for and the alternative sounds boring and lame.

I want to give up, but I can't, so I sit here in a sort of limbo.

Something I thought I had died. I miss it, but I hate that I miss it.

I'm tired of wanting a relationship. I'm tired of trying. And I'm tired of feeling like I'm being told that wanting a relationship makes me weak, and I need to focus on other things.

But God is good. He has brought me here. He has done amazing things with this weak, meager person called myself. So why should I doubt what he has done? I know he'll get me through this. The results will be amazing. I just have to pull myself out of this sink hole, with my one good arm, so I can start crawling back to my dreams.

So instead of just sitting here, ragging on myself for having shortcomings, I am going to try and post about some things I do have that I like. Maybe that will help.

I have a healthy body.
I have cute boys who really want to make Mom happy.
I can do 3 pull ups-- it's impressive I'm sure.
I have a home and a working vehicle.
I have the most wonderful friends on the planet.
I have pretty awesome hair-- it matters, just trust me.
I have a Mom who will answer the phone and talk to her sobbing, emotional, irrational daughter.
I have parents who will help me out in crazy, ridiculous ways.
I have faith in God, and a knowledge he is there for me.

I can do this! I know it!

I can do these things I need to do. I can be the things I want to be. I know I can!

Would You Believe Me?

Would you believe me if I said I have reasons to believe dressing modestly is important?

Would you also believe me if I told you I believe dressing modestly is not necessary?

I believe dress should be comfortable for you and expresses who you are. I have been in incidents where dressing modestly helped me feel safer. But I have  worn comfortable, and beautiful in things that would fall under certain definitions of modesty, and I loved wearing them. And I didn't feel like it took away from my self worth.

Would you believe me if I told you I think there is wisdom in practicing abstinence?

Would you also believe me if I told you that I think it's possible to have a healthy sexual relationship outside of marriage?

I ultimately believe that sex should be an expression of love. Waiting till marriage usually keeps one safe from having sex for the wrong reasons. But it's not a guarantee. I personally don't feel you should just go out and sleep with just anyone. I still think there should be limitations, and each individual can choose what they are. If waiting till marriage is the goal, awesome! I'd say decide what you want to experience from a sexual relationship, and set the standards you need to help you achieve that. 

Would you believe me if I told you a marriage in the LDS temple can be a beautiful thing?

Would you believe me if I told you I believe there can be beautiful, uplifting, spiritual wedding experiences outside the temple?

My first marriage was in the LDS temple. I in no way blame the state of my first marriage on the church, or the temple. I was the one that made choices, didn't have a good understanding and believed the temple meant I had followed the right path. I believed, because of that, that I would automatically be led to blessings, and an ease of problems. Truthfully what I think now: marriage is what you make it. The faith and effort you put in as a couple is what measures your success. If reaching a goal of a temple marriage is a strength, to your relationship as a couple, then it will probably benefit you, as a couple. Do what you need to feel successful in this area. Pick the experience you want to have, and make it happen.

I'm a seeker of truth. I try to find the answers need to live a happier, more peaceful life. I try to observe many situations, take in many perspectives and look at life from all angles. I try to find a way to understand everyone, and everything. I try to not dismiss different ideas and different beliefs. I do my best to find answers to help myself heal and deal better with life, and I try to share what I find so that if it is what other's are seeking, they can benefit from my experiences as well. 

Being raised in Utah, in an LDS family, in not something I regret. I think the church gave me a structure I needed in order keep myself from destructive behaviors I might have given into when I hit low points in life. But it's also hard. I was raised with a certain perspective on life, and I was raised in an area where most people had that same perspective. And I was never really challenged to think outside my little box. Being LDS was right. Our religion was true. My ultimate goal was to bring people to The Church so they could be saved. I was told to date only members. I was told a Temple Marriage is what I should strive for. And if I wanted to marry someone who couldn't take me to the temple that I should pass, move on and have faith that God would lead me to a worthy man. This is what I was taught. This is what I believed. How do I feel about these things now?

***

Small Disclaimer: I am not acting as a representative of the church. Please do not take my interpretations of the things I was taught as true LDS doctrine. This is me simply sharing my personal perspective on how I felt things were portrayed to me.

***

To tell you the truth I ultimately believe living a life where you discipline yourself to follow a higher law will usually challenge you to be a better person. What that higher law is, is up to you. Having a code of honor, convictions, promises to God, or whomever/whatever you choose, that you will not break, will help you to grow. 

But I also believe that what belief one person chooses to live by is not "one size fits all". I don't think we necessarily need to be disciplined by the same set of beliefs. And I have actually really enjoyed learning about different ways of living, different religions and different beliefs with an open, and accepting mind.

Religion, for the most part, is a beautiful thing. It can be simply amazing to learn about other people, and why they choose to live the way they live and believe the way they do. Opposing beliefs are not a challenge to your beliefs. They are just another way to view the world. I wanted to be more open in how I viewed the world.

So I tossed aside a lot of things that I felt were wrong. I stopped saying, "Anything that involves-- insert certain behavior-- is automatically wrong." And I learned a whole lot more. And I met some great people. They never tried to persuade me to live differently, or to try things I didn't want to try. And I stopped assuming that all this stuff automatically equaled "wrong". 

I want to have a world of experiences. I want to share those experiences with everyone that will listen. I want to learn about many different ways of living. I want to take in all the things that lead to a positive life, and share these secrets with everyone. I want to look at successful relationships, and find out what makes them successful. I want to learn how to better talk with, and approach, people so that we can better express ourselves to each other, without causing offense. A lot of things I thought I needed, to be successful in these areas, I have learned aren't necessarily true. So I want to find out what is true, and tell people what it is and why I believe it. I want to do this for me, so I can know how to be successful in areas I have failed in. And hopefully what I learn can help other's find answers themselves. 

I'm working on a program to help accomplish these things. I'm hoping to work on putting it together, and coming up with a launch date. We'll see how this goes. I feel kind of incapable, but I'm really hoping I can get some things out there. 

June 9th, 2016

What does June 9th, 2016 mean to you? Apparently it was Donald Duck Day. Or perhaps you celebrated it as National Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie Day-- that would be a pretty good way to celebrate. Maybe you decided to march with the writers in their triumph because apparently it is also Writer's Rights Day. However you celebrated June 9th, whether it was significant or just an average day, I thought I'd share my story of the events that took place, on June 9th, in my life.

Truth be told June 9th wasn't really a day set aside for my celebration. No, in fact it was a celebration for a friend of mine: Alec Offenberger. You can find out about him here. I am going to give a basic run down of what it was he did, even though that makes me insanely uncomfortable-- I hate speaking for other people, especially when I'm not sure if I can tell the story right.

So my friend, Alec, took an 8 and 1/2 month journey across the United States, on his bicycle. Why? To raise awareness for the Mercury One Charity, and the Never Again is Now Campaign.

Pretty incredible right! I know that was super basic. Seriously, just click on the link. He tells his story better than I ever could. And It really is an incredible story. It was certainly enough to catch my eye. See I didn't even know about Alec Offenberger until he was featured on Glen Beck. The article popped up on my Facebook news feed, and something about his picture just. . .struck me. I can't really explain why, but for some reason I decided to message him. This message led to other messages, which eventually got replies, which led to conversations, and so on. . .

I still can't believe he even took the time to reply to me. He was getting emails and messages from all over. It still blows my mind. As we were writing each other I was hoping our paths might cross. At the time I first messaged him he was cycling through Texas. But unfortunately he wouldn't be coming up to my neck of the woods. It was probably best just to let it go. But then what kind of story would that be, right?

When he posted that on June 9th, he would be arriving on the west coast, and that a party would be held in his honor that everyone was invited to attend, I just got this crazy idea. What if I went to L.A.? Crazy right? Well it just so happened that it might be quite possible.

See last year I purchased tickets to go to Newark, NJ in September. It was so I could go see my, then, boyfriend, who was supposedly out there dealing with a family crisis. Well when I told him I had got this amazing deal on plane tickets, to come and see him, guess what he did? He got mad at me. Yep! So I cancelled the tickets, but I couldn't get my money back. I could only re-reserve the tickets for another time and place. And only I could use the tickets. I couldn't change the name on them.

So why not? I mean, I had to use the tickets within a year. Why not use them now? Could I really pull it off? Could I really go down to L.A.? It seemed insane, but I just decided to go for it. And then everything just fell into place. My family and friends where all there to back me up. And everyone just pitched in and helped me make the trip happen. It was awesome. And somewhat terrifying.

Lets do this!

So I did it. I flew to L.A. I think I almost wanted to vomit the minute I stepped off that plane. I was shaking, and I was totally freaked out! What was I thinking?

Thankfully my friend sweetly texted me supportive messages as I made my way through the airport to the car rental place. . .then from the car rental place to the party. . .then from the place my phone told me the party was at to the place the party was actually at. . .yeah I was kind of freaking out.

Humidity killed my hair.

But as soon as I got there everyone was so warm and welcoming. Alec and his family were just so kind. And they just took me in, and helped me out.

Me at the ocean! I haven't seen the ocean in over 10 years!

It just sort of made me laugh. My original purchase for these tickets was received with anger and rejection. But this time my trip plans were greeted with warm welcomes and offers to help me find a place to stay and to let me tag along on some fun activities. The experience was remarkable! Top notch! Nothing compares! I wouldn't change a thing! I learned more about myself and just how spontaneous, crazy and maybe a little brave I can be. And I met some wonderful people.

I am truly not smart enough for this rental car.

I got to spend the next day and a half-ish with Alec, and his family. I have gone back and forth on what exactly I want to write here. What happened was just so unexpected, crazy and wonderful I still don't know if I can fully process it all. Part of me just wants to shout it from the roof tops. But part of me just wants to keep it to myself. Perhaps it is just too special and sacred to share. I don't know. Maybe someday. But for now the details are just for me.

All I can say is I am glad I met Mr. Offenberger. He's an incredible person, and I've enjoyed getting to know him. I think what I liked most of all was that I didn't have to try to be anything I'm not. So many times I feel like guys try to make me into their "real life fantasy". They see me, but they only see the parts they like. Then they just ignore rest, or pretend it's not important. I don't like being seen that way. I like everything about me-- for the most part. And if someone can't handle all of me then we're probably not going to be the closest of friends. I feel like, Alec just saw me. He didn't try to put blinders on. He just let me be myself, and who I was was enough. I can't explain it. But it's just one of the awesome things about this guy.

Fun in Calabasas!

Sadly the time to part inevitably came. I don't believe either of us were very happy to say goodbye. What I wouldn't give to have had more time to spend getting to know this awesome guy. What I still wouldn't give to have some more time. I wish I could just go redo those two days over and over. Only this time I wouldn't be reserved, anxious or holding back. But life is made up of experiences. There's no point in regretting what couldn't be. It happened the way it did for a reason. One day God will have a good time sitting back, with an "I told you so" expression on his face, as I realize just exactly what that reason is-- that seems to happen to me a lot.

So I made my way back to the airport to catch my flight back home. It's funny that just two days ago I was getting off the plane, in L.A., so full of nerves I couldn't wait till I was headed safely back home. Well now it was time to head home, and all I wanted to do was stay. Life is funny that way. I forced myself to head back to my reality. But now I didn't go back empty handed, no. I had learned something new about myself, I had made some new friends, had some new experiences and, most importantly, I had a good story to tell.

Who knows? Maybe one day our paths will cross again. Alec, Is an impressive person. I have no doubt that he'll leave, and has left, an impression wherever he goes. He certainly impressed me.

Congrats Alec! What you have accomplished is truly extraordinary! And thanks for helping me find the courage to take a chance on myself. Me coming out there had significant meaning for me in so many ways!

Have You Seen This Man?

Have you seen this man? Anyone? Anyone? Because I haven't. He disappeared without a word. He left my stuff on my doorstep and I never heard from him again. That was nine months ago. And now I'm left to attempt to unravel the truth, from the lies, with the little info I can manage to scrape up online. And all that info doesn't ever offer very clear answers.

I haven't shared all the facts from this story, in it's entirety, with everyone. At first I was trying to save a place for him. But now I've let go and I'm moving on.

I have felt a whole range of emotions on this subject. What I have discovered online, has led me to the conclusion that everything he told me, when he left last year, was a lie. Ever since than I have been sad, mad, angry, frustrated, hurt, etc. But mostly confused.

Why? Why would someone do that? Why would someone tell such an elaborate lie? Was it to get away from me? Do I take it personally? Was he just completely crazy? Does this set me back? Have I not worked on myself well enough to attract better men? I thought he was a better man. I thought he was a great man. Now I'll never really know what he was.

In the end I just need to let it go. I need to move on. And that's not too hard. And do you want to know why? Because throughout this whole process I worked with my Savior. I followed his promptings. I did as he asked. And it was hard. It was so hard. I cancelled many accounts on dating websites. I fought off urges to just go out and find somebody, anybody, to bring me a little comfort. I cried a lot. And I yelled a lot. And I got frustrated and didn't want to do it anymore. But in the end following the path the Savior led me down was the only path to take. Nothing else would be any easier. I knew that for sure.

So here I am. I reached the end of the chapter. I wanted to give up so many time, but then I'd hear this whispering, "Don't you want to see how it ends?" And so I would hang in there.

I loved this man. I truly did. And there was a time I thought he was worth going through Hell for. Well I went through Hell, but I didn't do it for him. I did it for me. I did it so I could be stronger. I did it so I could face this world fiercely alone. And because of that I am 10 times happier with who I am, and where I am. He probably didn't deserve me back then. And he most certainly doesn't deserve me now. And you know what? I don't think I want him anymore. I've changed too much, and I've caught a glimpse of something better.

God does amazing things. He has led me down amazing roads. I always feel quite crazy when I follow his promptings, which rarely make sense, but he always brings me out of the tunnel and shows me a world I could never have dreamed of. Time and time again. My story isn't over. My life is still TBA-- to read more about what this means go here. And I hope you'll stick around to find out what happens next.

After all, "Don't you want to see how it ends?"

L-O-V-E

I saw this sweet old man selling flowers on the side of the street. It just really touched me, so I had to buy some. Things made with love, whether food or bouquets of flowers, are always worth the price!

Remember that play? You know? That one? It had the song, and the choreography by that one famous guy? Oh come on!

SWEET CHARITY!!!

Geesh! I can't believe you couldn't guess that. I practically gave it away. Well, now that you know what play I'm talking about, do you remember how it ends? What? I can't hear you! Fine, I'll just tell you.

Charity doesn't get the guy in the end, but she learns how to love. In fact she learns how to truly love. Who does she learn to truly love? She learns to love herself.

Right? You were totally not expecting that. Isn't it profound. . .and. . .awesome. . .and. . .and. . .

Yeah I know. It's a little unsatisfying. At least I thought so when I saw it way back in, oh when was that, 2006/2007. . .ish.

Me in my backyard.

Truth is I didn't get the message back then. Back then I banked on the fact that I was nothing unless a man loved me. I thought, "Once I have that man, that one man, who will just fall madly in love with me, then I will have worth. Then I will know I am worth something. Then I can face all of those that rejected me, with pure awesomeness in my eyes saying, 'See, I told you I was worth loving'."

Me in my karate uniform. I signed up for a self defense class. Going is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am way out of my comfort zone. And, despite the fact that I've been told several times I'm a natural and asked, "You've taken martial arts before right?", I still let myself get intimidated. 

Yep, that was me. Sadly, it's hard to abandon these old traditions of mine. I have come a long way. I most certainly have. But mental exercise is the same as physical exercise. You stay consistent and there will be days you can take on the world like some ruthless, unstoppable Hulk. But no matter how consistent you are there will be days where you have been slightly weakened by little stresses here and there. And suddenly you're no more useful then Superman when he couldn't see the kryptonite in the lead case.

This raises a very important question. Who would win in a fight? Hulk or Superman?

Alright, fine, back to the post.

Sometimes I let myself get weakened. Sometimes I don't see it, but sometimes I knowingly open that lead case and let the kryptonite take me down. It's hard to validate myself all the time. I know, in the end, my opinion of myself, and His opinion, are the only one's that matter. But sometimes I want those that hurt me, those that tore me down, to see they didn't win. But then I learn a lesson: They have to win. At least according to them. For some people to be satisfied I have to be broken.

Truth is, divorce is tricky. I had to walk away from a situation that drained my confidence, with the confidence to say, "I'll take loneliness over being with this person." And as sure as I was that I had every reason to leave, as sure as I was that-- even though I have problems too-- the other person contributed to the mess just as much as me and I am not broken, I still have to fight. I have to fight for that belief. I meditate. I pray. I get involved in things that interest me. I don't let being alone hold me back from enjoying things, and from doing things.

Me taking myself to the tulip festival. It's once of my favorite, annual, events! I love tulips!

Relationships are hard for me. I usually tend to avoid getting close to people because I tend to err on the side of "people probably don't like me all that much". But I must be somewhat likable because I manage to make friends, even if I try to put my guards up. Sometimes I think it's easier to not get close to anyone. But I also know I need people in my life, and I love the people Heavenly Father has blessed me with. I struggle to understand relationships. I try to find little tricks and secrets. I try to accept people as they are. I try not to take offense to what they do, and how they act. Instead I try to understand them. I do my best to love them, and their intentions, and realize that some people can have rough edges, but usually have a lot of good traits when you look for them. But even so, I get very intolerant sometimes. OK, I think I get mostly intolerant when I feel someone is becoming intolerant of me. But. . .still. . .relationships are hard. And this is just me trying to understand how to get along with everyone I work with.

I'm scared of relationships. I'm scared I'll screw it up. I'm scared I am the broken one, and I just can't see it. I'm worried that no man will ever love me.

But then I open my eyes. I see who I am. I see the people that love me.

Mother's Day! I actually celebrated this year, and refrained from protesting. How could I not? My boys wanted me to have this day!

I wouldn't change a damn thing!

I would never go back. What I had wasn't love. I have felt love. I know what it is to be loved. And nobody is going to sell me a anything less. When I stand back and truly see what my worth was in that person's eyes, I know I made the right choice. I don't need to measure myself by their stick anymore.

So this one time, in self defense class, we had to do three-ish minutes of push-ups. The next day my arms were swollen and bulging from my shirt. I thought it was funny how big they looked so I had to snap a picture. I mean. . .who wouldn't. It was just so funny. . .and. . .yeah I'm kind of showing off. Hey! If I have to live with big arms I may as well get to show them off from time to time.

I know what I am. I am sassy redhead with a strong spirit, and I will never give up. I love people, and I love deeply. I am a fighter, a warrior. I struggle with some things. I am not perfect. But I deserve grace. And even if some people don't deserve my grace, I deserve to be the gracious person who will give it to them anyway. I am a daughter of God, and he will not let me fail. I am me! And I love who I am!

I caved and let them each pick out a chick. I love having chickens, and we needed to replace one that died during winter. Aren't they so cute! They love those chicks so much! They are about to drive me crazy! 

Maybe I won't find love in this life. That's OK. I mean. . .I'm not giving up or anything. I'm still young, and I've only been divorced for a little over a year. But even if I don't find love, I'll be alright. I feel loved. By my family and friends, of course. But I feel a love out there. An energy meant just for me. God is good! He'll lead me where I need to go.