A Dear Composer Who Felt Like a Dear Friend

I was heartbroken last week when I discovered that my favorite composer, James Horner, had passed away. There is no way to describe what his music has meant to me. I have had affection for it since I was young, singing tunes like "Somewhere Out There" over and over again. "If We Hold On Together" was the song I taught myself how to play the piano to. Truly this man's music has had major impacts on my life in so many ways.



Over the years I have discovered time and again that the musical scores that speak to me the most are usually those composed by James Horner. "Casper", "Legends of the Fall", "Braveheart", "Glory", all of these and more.



His music has a way of affecting me. It drips with emotion, and helps relieve my empathetic heart. Each note seems to strike a place deep down inside of me, awakening something within me. It's as though my soul wants to leap for joy for it is hearing something familiar, as though from another life. I feel like I can wrap his music around me like a lovely warm blanket on a cold winters night. I revel in it's security and it's promise that there is peace and beauty in this world. Even at my darkest moments this promise was always able to reach me.



Knowing now I will never hear another score written by this man causes a sadness I can't explain. But I have his music here on Earth with me still. And one day, when I get to the other side, I'll be sure to search him out and have him play his lovely compositions for me then.



Thank you for the wonderful gift you gave me throughout your life here on this Earth Mr. Horner. I will always cherish your wonderful music.

A Thought I Wanted to Share Here as Well

Click on the sentence below

Just another thing I've been working on that I wanted to share here.

Alright I'm Going to Do it

I'm a little bit crazy. I talk way too much. I take way too many selfies. And I probably write way too many posts about my relationship, but I'm going to write this one anyway. And also here is a bunch of selfies. . .

No Shame!!! ;)

I have shared many stories about this relationship. Probably more than I should. But I'm going to share another one because I continue to learn so many important things through this relationship of mine. And while you hear about it you can enjoy little updates from my life as well :).

He's helping cut up mint and telling me about ghosts. 

P.S. We totally believe in ghosts in this house ;)

At the beginning of the relationship we fought a lot. There were numerous reasons, and I've slowly analyzed them all. I shared some of the analyzing here. And now, another one has now come to my attention. You see, I have a tendency to become codependent in a relationship. I think it's that darn please-er in me. I want to please everyone. This trait is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can become sort of toxic-- especially in the wrong relationship. Its how I acted in the last relationship. And numerous relationships prior to that one-- not all of those romantic relationships, mind you. In my marriage I allowed myself to be codependent. I based so many of emotional choices on the actions of my spouse: "If he doesn't call me I'm going to be so angry!". I even based my own self worth on his actions: "He had an affair because I'm such a mean, horrible, angry wife and I'm a hard person to be with." Well. . ,I kind of started to repeat this same behavior with my new guy. See, we got comfortable, and being comfortable triggered something in me that said, "It's OK now, you've found someone. You don't need to be calm, cool, stands on her own Tricia. You can go back to being needy, rely on someone, codependent relationship Tricia."

Happy Sunday, happy boys, happy me and happy feet in my cute new shoes

Well my guy acted differently to this behavior then others in the past. He sort of rejected it. He didn't want that control. He didn't want that responsibility. And, at first, I felt rejected and hurt by this. And, viola, the cause of some of our fights has been uncovered.

Well, as you have read we did manage to stay together-- if you haven't read that post, now you know. And I've learned to become stronger because of it. I mentioned in the other post that I learned to take back control of the one person I have control of: Me. Well I have learned that again and again.

Table for one. I still like to dress up and take myself out, even though he's not here to go with me. 

As my dear, sweet man goes through this trial of his. As my heart breaks hearing about his struggles. As I again have to learn to be patient while he withdraws because of the emotional strain in his life. I learn again and again the wonderful lesson of taking back my power. He isn't great at keeping in touch. He prefers to talk in person for one thing. He's dealing with huge emotional issues for another thing. And he's always told me that if he doesn't respond I shouldn't take it personally. He usually has a reason for not responding, and that reason is never, "I'm super annoyed with you annoying girlfriend! Go Away!" Even though my brain likes to tell me that's why he's not responding. 

Anyway. . .whatever the reason, it's frustrating and it can be hard. But I've learned something from it. First of all I have no control over what he does. Second of all, since I have no control over what he does I should not let what he does control me. So I take back my power. I tell myself, "We aren't going to let his actions tell us we should be hurt." Instead I pray to my Heavenly Father. I ask for peace and guidance. I ask if this relationship is still where He wants me to be. I ask for understanding. And I stand up taller the next day. I found peace within myself, and within my Heavenly Father. I don't need to rely on my guy's actions to give me that peace. And by doing so I can remain independent. I can remain strong. And I become a more balanced and healthier individual.

Helper Arts Festival 

Cute, cute alleyway by the place where we lunched

Fun Car Show

My Dad and I sharing the importance of Camaro's with the boys.

'67, That's my favorite!

Traffic jam on the way home. 

Our treasures from the Arts Festival

This is not to say I don't have my moments. OH, boy! Do I ever. I have fallen down many times. But each time I find my way back, and each time I become a little bit stronger.

Yard Work

Big project of putting in grass this year to help complete our yard.

Don't forget the garden. . .

. . .or the Chickens! They get fancy with those eggs of theirs.

I don't know what will become of this relationship. Right now I'm pretty happy to be with my guy, and I'm happy to learn how to be happy with him. Because overall it's an improvement for my own self worth. Whatever becomes of this I do know one thing, Heavenly Father has used this relationship to teach me many great and wonderful things. And for that I am grateful.  

Soaking in the last bit of summer at the pool

I know it's cheesy but stuff like this means a little something more to me now since I have an Army guy myself. When it is someone that close, you feel it a little closer, and the sacrifice becomes a little more real.

Summer fun at the movies. A very late movie. But we had fun. Avengers: Age of Ultron is a good one.

Summer fires=allergy and asthma flare ups for us. Me and my youngest were miserable last week. I can't imagine how those directly affected by these fires must feel. Our hearts and prayers are with them.

Sweet boys

A treasure from my younger twin. He was so proud of himself, and so happy to give it to me.

My four year old loves school, and can't wait for the first day of Kindergarten. He's being my teacher here.

Olive fingers! Oh yeah, I did it too.

 Helping put the mint in jars

First day of school. They were so excited about the new grass they asked to have their picture taken on it. What big first graders I have.

So there you go. Yet another relationship post. And yet another post about me learning how to continually improve and become better and stronger. Each new trial in life is a challenge to learn something new, feel something new and to learn to be more empathetic and understanding to all those around me. 

Happy rest of Summer everyone! Go out and enjoy the sun! :)