Of All The Gin Joints. . .In All The World. . .

Here's Looking at You Kid

There was nothing unusual about the evening. I sat down in my bathroom staring at my phone. I checked it several times to make sure it still worked, and I was fighting the all too familiar battle in my head: "Is he not replying because he can't right now, or am I just an idiot for thinking he cares?" This has been a struggle for me, I've had to pass my stress and anxiety on to the Lord many times, and ask for his peace. I have had to have faith that the whispering of the spirit that said, "Everything is alright don't worry," was true. This night I grew weaker. I began to cry and told my Heavenly Father I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. I couldn't handle this relationship. Then to my left I heard a voice, a pleading, "Please don't give up! Please just stay! Please keep trying!"

The peace washed over me. My love and patience grew, and I continued to stay true to the man I have grown so fond of.

The relationship hasn't been an easy one. I myself have had to make sacrifices, and was often fearful that I was a fool to do so. But usually my sacrifices were not in vain. But even so there were times that I struggled, and still struggle, to keep my patience about me.

When he started his job with the Army he told me he would be leaving for 3 months for schooling. It didn't worry me. I thought it would be a good opportunity for us to really learn about our relationship. They added two more weeks of schooling onto this. Well that's OK. I mean if you're already going 3 months, you can make it another 2 weeks right? 

We got to spend a good amount of our summer together which I appreciated. Things weren't perfect, but they worked. And I really cherished whatever time we could find. 

Then a curve ball came our way. It was a bump in the road for our relationship, and probably meant an inevitable move for him. In my heart I begged "Please, oh please, don't just throw our relationship away. Please don't move until we are ready to plan a future together or until we know there is no future to be had."

We both love classic movies. He brought me some to watch and one of those was Casablanca. I cried when I watched it. The feeling felt all too familiar. I'm hoping my own Humphrey Bogart will not make me get on that plane. Please don't let my story be similar to this one!

The only thing I could do was to wait, and trust in my Heavenly Father when he continued to tell me to stay.

The 2 week training came. I survived, but it wasn't easy. It was unknown what communication would be like when he was gone. I went two weeks without hearing a single word from him. All I knew was when he was supposed to come home. I called him that day and received a message that his phone was out of service. I honestly was unsure if I would ever hear from him again. Luckily I got four hours on that Sunday. He then left to visit his family. When he came back there would just be one more week before he left for 3 months. 

We'll Always Have Paris

I took time of work that week and made arrangements for the kids to be with their Dad, so we could spend a good day and a half together. 

We went hiking up to silver lake

Silver Lake

He said he was glad he was finally able to start a fire, so he didn't have to feel like he failed me as a man ;)

and we stopped at Tibblefork Reservoir 

and created some wonderful memories 

Then I put together a farewell party for him on the 25th. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the week. His phone still was not working. 

My lovely fruit tray creation for the party

The boys and  I getting ready for party time

I Love You so Much, And I Hate This War So Much 

The day of the party came, and all I had was the fact that he told me he would be at my house at 2:00 or 2:30. So I waited. Sometimes fear crept in. But I told myself, "More often than not, he has come when he said he would." So I told myself not to worry and to just wait. 2:00 came and went. That's OK he said 2:00 or 2:30. It was now 2:30. Still no sign. And then 2:45. I couldn't wait much longer the party was at 3:00 and I had to help finish setting up. I went to my parents house. thinking he certainly wouldn't be long. Then 3:00 came. My patience was gone. I was certain nobody was even going to come, and now the guest of honor was not even here. I gave into the fears. My frustrations seeped out, and my temper showed it's ugly face. I was such a fool to throw this stupid party, and he doesn't even care about the time and sacrifice it took to put it on. My friend showed up, and I tried my best to just be calm and OK, but I'm not terribly good at that.

Thankfully she was OK letting me vent a little-- hopefully she was OK ;). It was now close to 3:30 and only one person had come. I tried my best just to carry on and enjoy the party regardless. I stepped out front to check once more if he was there. Low and behold there he was standing on the front porch. 

He usually has a good reason. The times I let my fears and doubts seep in and allow me to get angry or upset I find there was no reason for it. And I certainly was not prepared for the reason he told me this time.

What he told me caught me off guard. Now everything is up in the air, and uncertainties once again arise. He needs to tend to his family emergency, and I need to have faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. . .for us.  

The boys were so excited to give him the gummy bears they set aside for him to take on his trip

We were able to enjoy the party. More people showed up, and I am just so grateful to everyone that came. And after the party, him and I got to enjoy some time together. We just stayed up all night talking.

I promise it was mostly talking ;)

I now once again find myself at a loss. Why now? What will this mean for us, for him, for everyone? 

I feel so helpless when I watch him struggle. This helplessness is terribly exemplified even more now. 

I'm not sure what Heavenly Father has planned for us. All I know is he continues to tell me stay. Even through all the hardships. Even though at times I feel like a fool. Even when I struggle to understand all of this. Sometimes I wish things could just be so much simpler--  maybe more than sometimes. I still know I'd much rather have him, simple or not. And I'm hoping Heavenly Father didn't lead me to that "Gin Joint"-- well work-- where we met, for nothing. 

Inside Out

Today at work a horrible memory popped back into my head: I had promised the boys we could go see "Inside Out" tonight. I was not in the mood to go to the movies at all, and I was hoping they would forget. But even if they did forget today, they would eventually remember and they would be upset.

I picked them up from daycare and, low and behold, there was no mention about the movie. There was just the usual fighting. I sort of breathed a sigh of relief. The sigh came out more as yelling I think ;). But then I got to the house, and I just did not have to energy to try and start projects or keep busy with the kids there, so I decided to keep my promise and I took them to the movie.

We got horrible seats, but we got in, and the movie was really cute. And I'm realizing now that there is a lot of depth in the message it shares.

So my interpretation of the message is that we need to feel sadness in order to feel joy. Also, that we need to not be afraid of feeling sad. This was a good reminder for me. I have indeed been sad with my guy out of town. I haven't coped with it all that well. Having never really felt this particular way, in the particular situation, I was low on ideas as to how to deal with it. I just sat and felt the emotion, did my best to analyze and waited for answers.

A book reminded me to take back my power and search for what I was missing from him inside myself-- if that makes sense. So I did that. And I felt pretty good. But even after this there was still something missing. I can do my best to be as whole a person as possible, but I really just miss him as a person. There isn't one thing that he brings that I feel I "need" and that I need to learn to find in myself. I just miss him period.

I was also reminded to not make myself a victim. So I worked hard on that. Part of me ran the thoughts through my head, "This isn't fair!" "I've gone through so much already, why do I now have to go through this?" "I deserve to just have things work out and go smoothly!" But honestly they didn't fit at all. I tossed them aside like the dirty laundry that they are, and continued to strive to not make myself a victim in other ways.

I really just wanted to talk it all out with someone too, but I don't want to annoy people with my yucky relationship dribble. Writing on the blog has helped a little in that aspect. But again, I just still feel this weight like I just need to talk about it till I can't talk anymore.

Then there were times when I did feel more at peace and content. But I'd go to work, and the memories of us working together flooded back. How lucky was I just a couple months ago to be able to have him right there with me at work. Now he's across the country, and I haven't even gotten an email. And yet when he did work there, that felt hard too. And I'm also glad that he left when he did otherwise things might have started to get sticky with management.

I tried my best to feel joy again, but I knew what the answer all along. And the movie helped me to remember. I knew I just needed to let myself feel sad. And that feeling that way was OK. It doesn't make me weak, and I can feel sadness and joy at the same time. I can't fight the sadness of missing this person. I just need to appreciate it for what it is, and continue to look forward to the joy I know I will feel again.

Even if the boys gave me a bit of a headache, I'm glad we made it to the flick. I just need to see it again with better seats. I'm also glad that I listened to other promptings and got back into my dancing again. It's something I haven't done in a long time, and I've been telling myself I need to get back into it. Not just for the exercise, but for the emotional expression and release it brings.

Just a few more days to get through. I'm grateful for my boys putting up with my grouchiness, and my parents for their support, and everyone else who has helped along the way. Deep down I'm grateful to experience this. It lets me know that I have an opportunity to learn and grow some more, and it lets me know that this relationship is real, and hard, but a good hard. It's not just that honeymoon, everything is perfect, he's so amazing until reality hits, type of relationship.

Go see the movie! It's lots of fun!

My Captain America

I've always been a DC Comics girl. I've mentioned this before. DC Comics had more influence in my childhood, and so they are a little more nostalgic for me. It wasn't until high school that I started venturing into Marvel Comic's characters a little more. And it took me a while to warm up to them. I had to dip my feet into the Marvel pool and test the water before I was willing to consent to the fact that these heroes were just as interesting as my dear DC friends. That's why I was shocked when I grew so fond of the dear Mr. Captain America.

Memorial Day: Headed to the new Avenger's Movie with my boys. Look at all those Captain America fans. 

Granted my first introduction to him was the recent movies. I know I'm not that cool. But I found myself very drawn to him. His personality was very similar to another favorite of mine, Superman, but there is still just something different. For one I think the time period he is from makes him more fascinating to me. And even though he really isn't that fantastic as far as powers go, I just really like him.

Truth be told the Captain seems to represent something very important to me. In the midst of everything coming crashing down in my life. In midst of me feeling weighted down, and being pulled underwater and trying my best to kick, paddle, swim and stay afloat through all the emotions and stress. In the midst of all this I saw a movie about a hero who did the right thing. Not because he had the power, but because he wanted to do the right thing. And he had this conviction deep down inside that he would always do the right thing no matter what. Something about that stuck out to me. Something about that just meant so much to me. And. . .well. . .now Captain America just means so much more to me.

Art City Days here in Town. 

I changed my hair up a little later in the day, and someone stopped me and showered me with compliments on how cute it looked. It was super sweet! The victory roll is fun but I can feel self conscious at times when I wear it. 

My dear guy, wonderful as he is, is not a fan of the Captain at all! You should hear the lovely speech he has prepared for how ridiculous and annoying this super hero is. And I still get a little smirk from his reaction when he overheard me tell my boys that I needed to find Captain America so I could marry him. But even so I have told him why the Captain means so much to me, and he graciously respects this. He doesn't agree with it, but he respects it.

Even so my Captain America still stands tall as one of my favorite heroes, and I gladly sport his symbol whenever I can because it gave me something to hold on to. He was a life preserver that helped me stay afloat, and have hope for just a little bit longer until I could see the light.

Happy Fourth Everyone! We had a lovely day full of family, food and fireworks by the pool. 

So I finally got myself a Captain America Shirt for Mother's Day, and I have had fun sporting it at Various events. I like to do a lovely victory roll, or 1940's hair do when I do in honor of the Cap and just to help jazz the shirt up a bit. I bought it in the boys department so it isn't all that flattering. Besides, the 1940's hair is just a load of fun anyway.

We had so much fun celebrating our nations birthday. This is one of my favorite holidays! And this year, wearing my Captain America shirt and styling my hair all crazy, helped me remember another freedom I've been learning to allow myself to have: the freedom to just be myself, and that who I am is OK.

Happy 4th of July everyone!