What I Love About My Life is Not Always Having to Love Life

I'm a little crazy! I have highs and lows. I'm emotionally driven and it's hard to always stay in check. I am driven by passion, and sometimes that passion leads me to good places, and other times it leads me down a rough road. But even though I struggle with life. Even though I will not admit to full on loving my life that doesn't mean I am not happy with who I am.

Granted I'd love to be one of those people who always sees the good in life. I'd love to hold onto those strengths. I'd love to always just look at the blessings, and express how grateful I am. I wish I could be more that way. I wish I didn't have melt downs about 5 page papers-- cut me some slack it was single spaced. I wish I wasn't so quick to anger. I wish I didn't fall down into despair and cry in my shower because I feel so inadequate. I could wish until I was blue in the face, but it won't change who I am.

Now that's an interesting thought. Is being grateful, positive and happy something that is learned? Are people more prone to it than others? Is it easier for some? Are some made to be this way to fulfill their missions, and are others made differently to perform other missions?

When I got married I was in an odd place. I had doubted myself too much. I had searched all over to find where I fit in. I struggled to make friends, and meet guys. I thought I had found my place in the world of theater, but the more I was around it the more I felt I didn't fit in there either. I finished up working at a theater in St. George, and I was just done. I didn't want anything to do with it. But theater had defined me. I had lived so passionately in show tunes and Broadway Documentaries. I had learned to love characters and stories. I had taken a piece of them with me to help me better define who I wanted to be. I daydreamed solving problems in my head with musical numbers. Now what was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to be?

In a way this was an unfortunate time to meet my husband. I jumped between career choices. One day I was going to be a nurse. The next day maybe a seminary teacher, a physical therapist, a secretary, someone who's job it is to help people feel safe and find happiness. . .the list goes on. And the experiences I had with relationships, both dating and friendships, left me feeling a deep sense of shame for who I was. I had always been kind of lost, but I think when I met my husband I was even more lost. I had abandoned a part of me that sort of kept me tethered to my true self. And as the years went on I let that self drift further and further away. I tried to redefine myself as a my husband's wife. I tried to redefine myself as a mother to my kids. They were both fine things, but without my true self I wasn't fully able to be the wife and mother my Heavenly Father had tried to prepare me to be. I even drifted further away from the friendships that had been established in my youth. Well, I really didn't have many friends that I managed to keep around my whole life. Luckily I do have a few friendships that have withstood the test of time-- even with a 2-3 year break. Anyway. . .I kind of cheated myself. And by doing so I cheated many others in my life.

I found myself wanting to be someone different. Why couldn't I be more logical? Why could I handle situations calmly and without getting emotionally charged? Why had I been raised this way? Why hadn't my parents been firmer with me? And why, oh, why did I have to have that awful temper?

There are those that would tell me I could be more this way. I could learn to be less shy. I could learn to handle situations better. I could do all these things. That may be true. But deep down in the core of my being exists a person who will always struggle with these things and it will never be a real natural talent for me.

So here's the thing. Deep down inside is a person. A person who was created by her Heavenly Father. A person who asked to come to the life so she could learn certain things. A person who has a mission, and who has been given the skills and life lessons to fulfill that mission. Is there more to learn? Always. Will I have to stretch myself? Most definitely. But when I listen to my Heavenly Father tell me what he wants me to do, and then show me what exists within me to fulfill that request. I can better perform the task at hand, and I can do it with a much braver face.

I think I'm here to share the stories in a different way. I think I'm here to go down to the depths of despair, so I can mourn with people and share their burden. I like who I am, and I like how I feel and what I see. I may wish I had learned things sooner. I may wish I could go back in time and give myself some advice. But not in an effort to change who I am. In an effort to try and direct myself better and put myself on the right path. I have slipped up and allowed my emotionally charged self to fly off the handle and cry about a paper, or chew my kids out for not throwing away wrappers-- believe me there are a lot more examples than that. But even so it has given me practice and it has allowed my eyes to be opened up even more. At times these incidents have been gateways into exploring how all people in the situation might feel, not just me. And that has all been part helping me become who I am.

I don't know if this makes sense. And I really hope it doesn't sound offensive to some. I really do admire those who can see, and express, things differently than me. I think that we all have a place in this world. I'm in no way saying my way is ultimately right. Just that I don't feel like it is wrong. I hope I got the message across that I wanted to express, and that I felt prompted to share.

P.S. This Post's pictures are brought to you by my family's trip to the local Dinosaur Museum.

I Want to Be a Hero

I want to fight.

I want to be strong.

I want to believe.

But I just don't know if I have what it takes to pull myself out of this. I don't know if I have the ability to become financially stable. I don't know if I have what it takes to get through my schooling. I am not getting good grades, I'm barely scraping by if that.

How did this happen?

How did I end up here?

How did I think I could take care of four other people, when I wasn't even good at taking care of myself?

I don't know what to do.

I'm stuck.

I don't know if it will ever get better.

People have told me I am strong enough to do this. That they know I can make it. Sometimes compliments don't suit me well. Sometimes I can't believe what people say about me. But I believed those words. But now I don't know.

I feel so helpless.

I feel like my life is so out of control.

As I work my way through this life I am loosing my self discipline. And I am letting things slip. I am not fighting as hard to achieve as I should be. I just don't know if I am capable of such things.

I want to be hero. But I'm not. I'm just. . .lost.

Life comes at you fast. My mom took all my kids tonight so I could try to do homework. I caught a glimpse of what my life might be like if I didn't have kids at this point. It's weird to think I was once single. It's weird to think that I was kind of irresponsible, and I didn't try harder to move my life forward or become more stable. And now I see myself following that pattern again. But this time it isn't just me. I have my kids that I am responsible for. I suddenly realized that maybe I should never have let myself take on the responsibility of marriage and family. I want to believe I have what it takes to pull my family up higher. That I can follow in the footsteps of so many incredible people who have come out of much worse. But today it feels like I just don't have what it takes.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Social Anxieties

Before I start this post I just wanted to share these quotes.

I know all I do is talk about music in an over exuberant and dramatic way, but I absolutely love it. And I wanted to share a piece from a song that has a for important meaning to me. I wrote a post about this song not long ago, and you can read it by going here.

"Every war was another seed
That could feed every soul in need
Oh, I'm worn by the war in me"
- Katie Herzig "Lost and Found"

What an amazing way to describe the internal conflict that can exist in emotional struggles. When I hear this line I picture myself with many cords attached to me that are all sucking my energy away. I then take a sword and cut them all, and reclaim my strength. I know that probably sounds weird, but that's why I love this song. It helps me feel like standing up and fighting, instead of sitting back and letting the life get sucked out of me.

I also wanted to share this quote. It's from "Mormon Midwife The 1846--1888 Diaries of Patty Bartlett Sessions" It's written at the very beginning of Diary One.

"Beginning a diary signifies that one's life is going somewhere for a reason."

Don't you just love that? I don't know if my life is going anywhere, or it it's interesting enough to read about. But I adore this quote, and I love to share my story-- even if no one ever listens.

Now onto the post.

We celebrated Easter today. I for the most part enjoyed my children-- there were tantrums along the way. My 18 month old was pretty excited about having a whole bunch of candy at his reach. It's his dream to just snack on junk food, and play outside, all day. That pretty much came true today.
And we enjoyed being with family, even though all of us crashed after our traditional lunch. It was a nice Easter.

But there was a downside. I was torn between which church to attend. My husband was all set to sub for me as Primary Chorister, but I guess they found their own sub, my Dad spoke in his ward but I knew I'd be up late and probably would make it in time. Both my parents and our ward start at 9:00, and as much as I feel like I should make it to church on religious holidays it was hard to make it today. I did want to go. I wanted to enjoy Easter Sunday at church with my boys, but I feel every single part of me fighting against walking into that building. Why? It's all because of a calling.

I've have gotten steadily worse over the years. Dealing with confrontation, having to say no, having to try and do anything that involves possibly disappointing someone. It has always felt suffocating to me. I hate it! I hate when I'm approached with these types of situations. I hate getting upset with people, but I usually end up there because I try to avoid the confrontation for so long I finally explode in an, "Just leave me alone! I don't want to do it, and I know perfectly well that I don't!" I honestly have to fight every natural urge in my body to do what is socially considered "normal" in these situations. In reality I would like to just hide in my house and become some sort of crazy recluse that collects old newspapers and runs inside whenever I see people coming. But I can't do this because I also enjoy company and friends, and I don't like feeling stressed whenever I do feel like getting out and socializing. So I've worked on being better. I've made career choices that I hope will offer me training and confidence in these situations. I've worked hard to make improvements myself. But sadly since marriage, I've allowed my husband to just take over for me. So I steadily have gotten worse. Then you throw in emotional trauma, and overcoming PTSD, and well my boat is almost sunk. Sometimes it takes so much effort just to go to the store and try to be somewhat "normal" and that isn't a challenge that I don't want to willfully make myself overcome something that was hard even before the PTSD and emotional trauma.

Then there are other lovely attributes to the situation. One being that I love theater. This does not mean I love attention. I think I want attention and praise for a job well done, but I honestly don't know how to accept it sometimes. What I really want is to connect emotionally with a character who's story I love and adore. I want to tell their emotional story in front of the world, so people can be opened to what emotional turmoil can be brought on by different situations. I also think a part of me feels if I can tell their story well enough I can heal a little, and so can they. I know they are fictitious characters, but even so some of them I just want to meet and be best friends with so we can help each other through this crazy life. Sometimes I feel I'm the only one that understands them, and they, the only one's that understand me. So theater isn't about attention. But people see I love theater and I guess think it means I am good at getting up in front of people. Not so. It's a total anxiety factor for me. Sometimes when I really feel passionate about something I can watch people, get excited and get up and share my piece. But most the time talking in front of people, when not playing a character, involves incredibly shaky legs, blushing, fast talking and confused thoughts.

People also think because I'm so open that I'm not shy. But I just like to be as honest as I can. I don't want to tell a story that is slanted towards me. I try to best portray it with fairness to all people involved. I don't like to pretend I'm OK when I'm not. And I'm really terrible at small talk. No matter what questions are asked I always end up somewhere where I battle with honesty and trying to best answer questions just on the surface. I always fail.

So I'm just a whole big bag of anxiousness, shyness and craziness. I've recently learned that I'm best described as an introvert. I feel like this is a new awareness coming out, and I wish I could give everyone a pamphlet on introverts when they meet me. I feel like it would have helped so much growing up, and it would help a lot now. Mostly because I've been told my whole life that my introverted tendencies are wrong and I need to try to be more extroverted. I'm all for challenging myself and proving to myself that I can do hard things, but I am also starting to realize that I was made this way for a reason, and I don't need to try to be something I'm not.

So back to the calling. I was offered the calling of primary chorister. When they asked me to come to the bishops office I got anxious. I hate those calls, and I hate getting called to the Bishops office. I always feel like I'm in trouble or some form of confrontation will happen. My husband said it was probably for a calling and I was adamant I would not be accepting one. I am seriously swamped, and I am struggling to stay afloat as it is. I can't focus my attention anywhere. Eventually I get overwhelmed and start obsessively wasting time by washing every dish as soon as it hits the sink, or logging into facebook every ten minutes. Life is just crazy and I can't land. Whenever I try to take a few minutes for myself I feel so guilty and stressed about all my obligations I just want to cry. In short I did not want a calling. . .but I can't say no. I thought about just missing the appointment, and pretending I forgot. But I decided to be a good member of my ward, and I dragged all my kids to the church and waited outside the office. And. . .I accepted. . .I didn't want to. . .but I did. Why can't I just say no?

So after two weeks of trying to make peace with this I finally cracked. The Sunday I'm supposed to be set apart I tell my husband, "I just can't do it. I think I'll have to tell them no." I had prayed about the calling and I felt that I was told to take it. So I prayed again to see if that was still the answer. I talked with my Heavenly Father and I felt I better understood. I didn't need to take the calling. It was about the ward getting to know me better. So I tried to find the courage to tell the ward that I can't do these things. That I have anxieties about getting in front of people, even children. That saying no and having the ward depend on me like that feels extremely overwhelming. And that I am just to swamped to take something so far out of my comfort zone. But I can't find the courage. I can't find the fight in me. I know they are expecting me at that church, but I cannot overcome the emotional hold that comes over me. Then when I feel like I have an in, a friend asks me about it or says, "congrats", I tell them how I'm feeling and I just hear, "It'll be fine just give it a chance." My husband than took over and called and explained our whole situation. And the reply was, "Can't we work something out? Can we talk about making it work?"

I sat in my shower two nights in a row and sobbed. I sobbed because I was embarrassed. I sobbed because even though I was embarrassed I couldn't find it in myself to act socially better. And I sobbed because I feel like no one is listening or understands. They are all trying to convince me I'm perfect for this, when I'm trying to tell them I really am not. I feel my Heavenly Father has prepared me for certain missions. I have gladly taken those on even though they stretch me beyond my comfort zone. He has shown me how I am capable, and so I move on in faith. But when it comes to this calling I just simply feel that I'm not a good match.

I thought it was over. I thought my husband would sub today, and it would just dwindle and fade. But they still want to talk to me, and try to work something out. But these talks are partly why I have anxieties about these situations. I can't just say no. I can't just say I don't want to do it and give reasons why. They will try to talk to me and work something out. It just makes it harder because I know I'll try to be polite and listen, and I won't be able to just firmly put my foot down when they start trying to talk me into it. It makes it harder for me to face the situation.

 
This is one reason I shared my story on this blog. There are situations where people obviously see that someone will have emotional trauma, or has a lot to deal with. But when you are the victim of an affair, and you decided to try to stay married, you're told talking about it is inappropriate. But the thing is that you are suffering so much emotional trauma-- I've heard it's almost equivalent to recovering from rape trauma. And so you take on all the characteristics of a trauma victim but nobody understands why. And they all assume that everything is fine and normal. This is why I want to bring more awareness to the trauma caused by an affair. So everyone can hopefully understand better.  

I have a firm belief in the church. And I firmly believe in my Heavenly Father. He has shown me so many things, and I now realize what I should have always been listening too. I now see my mission in this life so much more clearly. I know my Savior is there for me, and I have felt him take my emotional burdens from me many times. He has calmed me, directed me and assured me that I am doing what is right. I know I have the potential to slip up and misinterpret, but I work really hard to insure I get the right answers. Sometimes I share negative feelings about the church because the culture of it can get to me. And sometimes I share negative things about marriage and having kids. When I do I am speaking as myself, and it isn't something I learned from my Heavenly Father. I am hoping with the help of my Heavenly Father I can find my faith restored in love, marriage and family. I love my kids, and I love family but I just feel there are some things that are taught poorly when it comes to family planning. And as far as the church, I believe the church is true, and I love what being a member has brought to my life, and I really adore going to the temple. But sometimes I wonder if I should just walk away from it. I'm hoping to find ways to serve in the church that feels as fulfilling to me as my other life's pursuits.

So incredibly long post, and I probably just babbled. As a side note I want to say that I learned form the Nie Nie Dialogues that they try to stray away from the term "burn victim", and instead say "burn survivor". I wanted to add this to my vocab and say I'm a survivor of an affair, not a victim. It sounds a little dramatic, but I think I'll begin to like how it feels.

Thanks for reading, and Happy Easter! 

Cool Things About Essential Oils

While I am supposed to be reading and researching for homework I am instead reading about essential oils. I blame the friend that asked if there was anything to helped with plugged up ears j/k ;)-- by the way the book recommends Helichrysum, Purify, etc. and one recommendation is Balance which I'm sort of feeling would be a good place to start. 

I got all of this info from Modern Essentials Usage Guide.

Here is a list of oils to keep on hand for emergencies.

Clove:
For topical pain relief and pulling toxins from the body. Good for acne, constipation, headaches, nausea and toothaches

Frankincense:
Enhances effect of other oils. Helps with clarity of the mind, focus and concentration. And helps with all skin recovery issues. Also helps keep scar tissue from forming. Reduces physical and mental fatigue and it helps with anxiety, hyperactivity, impatience, irritability and restlessness.

Lavender:
Use for pretty much everything. No really, when in doubt try some Lavender. But what it has listed here is that is helps with agitation, bruises and burns. And the list goes on. . . .leg cramps, heart irregularities, hives, insect bites, neuropathy pain, pain inside and out, bee stings, sprains, sunburn, sunstroke, insomnia, depression, PMS and it's a natural antihistamine. PHEW! And I bet there is even more uses than that. Go get yourself some Lavender right now, or just ask me to order you some

Lemon:
 Arthritis, colds, constipation, coughs, cuts, sluggishness, sore throats, sunburn and wounds. Lifts the spirit and reduces stress and fatigue. Counteracts acidity, calms an upset stomach and helps with elimination. 

Lemongrass:
 Good for sore muscles, cramps and charley horses. Apply to bottoms of feet to warm them in the winter.

Melaleuca:
Another awesome oil that has a ton of uses. Some of those being bug bites, colds, coughs, deoderant, eczema, fungus, infections, microbes, psoriasis, rough hands, sliver(combine with clove to draw them out), sore throats and wounds.

Oregano:
Heavy duty antibiotic (take internally or put on the bottoms of feet). Also good for fungal infections and for reducing pain and inflammation of arthritis, backache, bursitis, carpel tunnel syndrome, rheumatism and sciatica. There is a note at the end that says, "Always dilute".

Peppermint:
Good for topical pain relief. Good for circulation, fever, headaches, indigestion, motion sickness, nausea, nerve problems and vomiting. 

AromaTouch:
Anti-inflammatory, stress relief and relaxation. 

Breathe:
Allergies, asthma, anxiety, bronchitis, congestion, colds, coughs, flu and respiratory distress.

Deep Blue:
Pain relief. Bruises, arthritis, carpel tunnel, headaches, inflammation, joint pain, migraines, muscle pain, sprains and rheumatism. 

DigestZen:
For all digestion issues. Also works on diaper rash.

On Guard:
Disinfectant. Eliminates mold and viruses and helps boost immune system. 

Purify:
Helps with airborne pathogens, cuts, germs, insect bites, itches and wounds. Also helps boost the immune system. 

TerraShield: 
Deters all flying insects and ticks from humans and pets. 

Even if you don't want to use oils here and now, and prefer to use modern medicine I would still highly recommend stocking up on some of these oils. All of these oils will last longer than you will, aside from lemon because citrus oils don't last like the other oils do. Modern medicine is awesome, but someday these may be all you have, and it would be better than nothing. :)

And now the next section still taken from the same book.

How Essential Oils Affect the Brain.

According to the American Medical Association if you could find an agent that would pass the blood-brain barrier(membrane between the circulating blood and the brain that prevents damaging substances from reaching brain tissue and cerebrospinal fluid) they would be able to cure Alzheimer's disease, Lou Gherig's disease, multiple sclerosis and Parkinson's disease.A a category of chemical constituents known as sesquiterpenes are known to go beyond the blood-brain barrier. These sesquiterpenes can be found in essential oils like frankincense and sandalwood.

Sesquiterpenes als help increase oxygen to the limbic system of the brain, particularly around the pineal and pituitary glands. This leads to an increase in secretions of antibodies, endorphins and neurotransmitters.   

Also in the limbic system of the brain is a gland called the amygdala. This gland is said to play a major role in storing and releasing emotional trauma. The only way to stimulate this gland is with fragrance or sense of smell. This means that essential oils are a powerful key to help unlock and release emotional trauma.

The more I study the more I am fascinated by how our emotional self and physical self are so greatly tied together. I would even say spirituality is tied in as well. Being emotionally and spiritually healthy can be aided by being physically healthy. And being in poor emotional health can cause poor physical health as well. Emotional health can be aided by physical things like oils that help with brain function. It sort of blows my mind, but the more I study the more I believe it's true. And the more I find it completely fascinating. There are also some cultures that believe the pineal gland, I believe it's the pineal gland, is a spiritual eye, or third eye. Strengthening our pineal gland could help with emotional and spiritual well being. I don't think rubbing oils on your head will help spirituality alone, but I find it fascinating that it could play a role.

Sweetheart!

Sometimes I wish I was described as "such a sweetheart". I guess I feel if I could fit that description I would fit in better in different areas of my life. That it wouldn't feel like it was so hard for people to get along with me. And that I wouldn't have such a hard time with the relationships in my family life. I try to wear the title, but I guess it doesn't fit. It just falls right off possibly because I'm to hard from my experiences-- I'd prefer to say strong, but I can be a bit harder too.

There's no point in wearing a title that doesn't fit. Just toss it aside and find the strength in what you're really are. For years I apologized for many things that I am. One example is my body. No matter how skinny I was my stomach wasn't flat, my arms weren't small and my thighs always touched. I remembered a guy saying he was "scared" of me because I had big arms. I always wished I was a dainty little swimsuit model. That men would find me appealing, not fearsome. But nowadays I'm not shaming my body. I'm glorying in it. I may not be skinny, but a lot of that is how I'm built, and a lot of that bulk is muscle. I'm glad too be strong in this way and now it's important for me to use those big arms to compete in a man's world. If I can prove to myself that I am capable of these things, then I myself will know I am capable of so much more.

 New baby chicks at our house.

Mine is named Wisenheimer.

I've always admired women of great strength. Women who didn't do what they are told. Women who questioned, and fought for what they believed in. When I presented that part of me to certain area's of my life I began to feel ashamed. Maybe I shouldn't have modeled myself after these woman. But as I study midwifery and learn more about this career and how I may need to fight for a woman who is, at the time, in a vulnerable position I begin to realize I am not a mistake.

I have dropped some things. I used to love a good fight. I used to love it when someone would say something that was rude or annoying to I could just hold on to it, rant about it and let my passionate anger grow. Then when something else would happen I would just adore it, so I could justify everything all the more. I no longer want that. I don't want anger. I don't want annoyance. I don't change my opinion, I just try to find common ground, and remind myself to not let this change me into a monster.

Many times growing up I remember men, usually in their 60's, telling me, "You are so pretty, I bet the boys are beating down the door." Or something along those lines. They were shocked I struggled to find dates. OK, never had a date. . .EVER! They would tell me I needed to put myself out there. One Bishop told me that a man would be lucky to have me as a wife because I would be an excellent mother. It's funny I always felt like I was lucky if a guy would even give me a little attention. It happened so rarely. It's funny now, I look back and think, "What did it matter? Why were my looks so impressive? What did it ever get me?" I had a friend say to me once, whilst I complained about my zits, "At least when you look in the mirror you can see that you're pretty." OK I honestly don't remember how that quote went. It was a long time ago. I remember "look in the mirror" and the general feeling that she was saying how lucky I was that I had something pretty looking back at me. I think she felt that she didn't have that and that if she did her life would be so much better. All I can say is it doesn't matter. As pretty as I am. . .was. . .or skinny as I am. . .was. . .I would still look in the mirror and see someone I was disappointed in. Someone I thought was to heavy, or unattractive, because she never got attention from men. The only men that told me I was pretty was my Dad, and men in their 60's.

What matters is where you seek validation. All too often I seek outside validation. But then I hear the voice of my Heavenly Father calling me back saying, "Focus on me. Focus on what I think." Even when I appear to disappoint the world I can seek him and ask, "Am I doing what you asked me to?" And I can know that I don't need the world to agree with me. I have counseled with my Heavenly Father, and I am following his promptings as best as I can.

I feel like I have apologized for who I am for a greater part of my life. "Sorry I'm not skinny." "Sorry I'm not a damsel in distress, and sorry if I am." "Sorry I'm not impressed by your mustang." "Sorry I'm too needy." "Sorry I'm too depressed." "Sorry I can't get through this the way you think I should." But now I realize there are things you don't need to apologize for. And the things that are a part of me, and are there to help me fulfill my mission on this Earth, are things I don't want to apologize for anymore. Sometimes getting an outside opinion is nice, but sometimes I need to remember my Heavenly Father made me who I am, and that those things are part of me for a reason.

P.S. Hope you enjoyed some of my artwork. I love to draw, but gave it up in Jr. High because I wasn't "the best". I may not be the best, but I draw well enough, and I enjoy what I draw.

Viva Las Vegas!

This last week found me in the city of Las Vegas. Those who know me well know this is my absolute favorite place to go. I've visited family there since I was little. I have always loved getting to visit my family members, and I have always loved the city. To this day the smell of cigarette smoke triggers happy memories in my brain. And if you ever travel with me there be prepared to sing "Viva Las Vegas" as you come up over the hill to see the lights start flooding the valley.

One year, around the age of 10 or so, I cried as we made our departure from the city. Ever since than I've cried every time I leave. I'm not sure why. I really don't want to live there. I enjoy many things about my life as it is, but still I'm always sad to say, "Goodbye."

I guess somewhere, somehow, Vegas became a part of me. It's hard when I visit these days though. It's not the same that it once was. The part of me that grew up with it, loves it and always looks forward to visiting it, is slowly realizing Vegas may betray me one day and become a place I hate.

This is partly because Vegas is stepping away from being the Vegas it was when I was little. It now promotes the side that's an adult playground, and that includes promoting everything I hate(will not stand on soap box at this point, but if you ever want to have a long conversation about it let me know). But another part has to do with a more personal aspect. Last time I was in Vegas was May of 2011. The year 2011 was not the happiest year of my life-- and that's a terrible understatement. Looking back on that trip isn't something I'm willing to do in great detail. The memories from that time all just feel like lies, which makes it hard to believe any happiness I might have felt.

But I still love my Las Vegas. I love it as something that is a part of me. It was there before marriage and kids, and before all the things that happened. Therefore it's a kind of an anchor for me, even with it's ever changing face. I know that sounds weird, but that's what makes it something I need to hang on to. It is now the source of happy memories and sad one's. But I need to fight for the happy one's. They are more important.

To add to the enjoyment of Vegas I discovered a Godfather's Pizza just outside the city, at a gas station. Can you believe it? Can anyone say delicious? I haven't had this since I was little. Hello dear Cinnamon Streusel, where have you been and why did you EVER leave?

I definitely enjoyed my memories from this trip! Thank you to all my wonderful family who made this trip so fun and special!