Any Dream Will Do. . .

I have to admit. I do have a dream. It's kind of embarrassing and I'll probably get made fun of for it. Ever since I was young------er, like pre-marriage/divorce, I have had a dream that one day I could sing a duet, with Donny Osmond, on stage. I know right! Pretty awesome dream! I mean it's not in any way lame, embarrassing, cliche Mormon, etc. No, it is a totally legit dream!

Make fun all you want. I do totally *heart* Donny Osmond, and I do wish I could sing a duet with him. It would be pretty awesome in my book!

I pulled up videos of Donny Osmond performing in Joseph and the. . . .(Hopefully you know how the rest of that title goes). And it brought back some fond memories. This was one of those Broadway albums that I listened to over and over again, trying my best to learn the part of The Narrator. And, yes, I would even act it out in my front room sometimes. Donny received high praise for his acting abilities in Joseph. . . .and I totally would not take any other cast recording other than the one with Mr. Osmond as the lead (P.S. if you want the one with Donny I believe its the Canadian Cast).

It was fun to watch my kids take an interest in the videos, I may have to get the DVD. But it got me thinking about my life and my dreams, and if I really even have any.

I live life day to day. I don't think that far into the future. I don't really try to plan for the future. I'm just trying to survive the here and now. It's hard for me to sacrifice now in hopes of a better future because I just want to make sure we can get by, so I do my best to make that happen.

It was interesting  to watch Joseph get sold into slavery and get sent to prison, and all the other things that happened to him before he rose up to the top. It's interesting how horrible of a situation he found himself in, but it was exactly the situation that lead to him becoming a great leader in Egypt. Strange what life does to us. Not many find themselves lower than Joseph found himself, and yet somehow he managed to rise so far above it.

I look around at my life. How little resources I feel I have. How little options I can see. I'm not a talented person. I don't have any skills or training that would make me of value in the workplace. . .or. . .well anywhere or to anyone. I don't really know what to do with my life. Sometimes I just sit back and try to see what happens, go where the wind takes me. Then sometimes I think about if I should take initiative and go back to school, but a million subjects I should study pop up and. . .I just don't know what to do.

I once dreamed about becoming an actor and performing on stage. I went to school for it. I sought out jobs in that field. I studied Broadway and musicals. I paid for voice lessons. I practiced singing and acting in my living room at night. I wanted to go to New York. I wanted to make it big! But I don't know if I ever saw that as a real reality or just a silly dream. I mean it is kind of silly, but people do do it. People who aren't shy and crippled by stage fright that is. And people who have more than just an average voice and average looks. Lets face it. I didn't stand out in theater, and I probably never would. Plus working at a certain professional theater in Utah kind of killed my theater buzz. And dreams like this don't work well when you have kids.

I mean should we have dreams? Should we have things we want to do? Is going wherever life takes you a plan in and of itself? Should I seek more direction? Should I set a goal and strive to achieve it? What do I want out of life? Hmmm. . . .Its hard to think of something when you feel like you have nothing, but Joseph had nothing too. But he also sort of went where the wind took him. . .

I don't know what the answers are. I don't know what my dreams are. I love to write, so I start blogs. I have even started some books, and one is almost complete. I think if I were to choose something. I would choose that, and I would put my focus there. But I have to admit that dream of publishing a book, that people actually like, is one of those fantasies I never cared to imagine as being real. Just a nice little dream to help put me to sleep at night.

No, I have no answers. I don't know what my dreams or goals are. I just go where the wind. . .well you know the rest. I seek God's guidance and try my best to go where he leads me. I guess my life will be just as much a mystery to me as it is to the fine folk who choose to read these posts.

Any dream will do. . .will see what dreams may come in my life.

Take 3 Inches. . .

It was January 1-- I know, I know, cliche New Years Resolution-- when I decided to take on a challenge. I have dieted before. I have lost weight before. I have managed to maintain a weight that I am happy with. But I always let things stand in my way of really taking it to the next level.

Things I'd tell myself like:

• Oh, I'm just not that type of person.
• I'm not capable of achieving anything like that.
• My body is just built a certain way

And. . .

• My body is just messed up from having babies.

But I have seen some friends embark on their own fitness challenges. And what struck me most was not the physical transformation, but the mental transformation as well.

Challenges, no matter what they are, are always going to shape us. Taking something that we have always convinced ourselves is unattainable and then attaining it does remarkable things for the mind, body and soul.

I didn't want to sell my self short any longer. I wanted to become stronger, faster and better. I wanted to feel more capable-- something very important to a single mom. So I gave myself a challenge.

Starting on January first-- so I guess technically a New Years Resolution-- I decided to exercise an hour a day, 5 days a week and watch what I eat a little bit better. Here are the results.

BEFORE

AFTER

It is crazy to look in the mirror and think, "Does that really belong to me?" I had some goals to help keep me on track-- like a GORUCK event and an overnight hike coming up. But I really don't want this to be about goals. I want it to be a lifestyle-- which is also why I didn't want to place it in the New Years Resolution category. I want to work hard to keep this up. I love how I look. But mostly. . .I LOVE HOW I FEEL!!!

I got rid of my scale after my third baby, so I don't have any numbers for you. I like it better that way though. I have had to measure my waist a couple of times, per request of friends getting me a gift, and I think I had lost 3 inches. I'm not really sure. But like I said. This is how I like to do it. I obsessed about the scale way too much. It was causing so much stress. I just like saying, "Hey these pants are feeling tight again, it's time to watch what I eat a little better," and then looking in the mirror and seeing results instead of being stressed by a number that isn't changing as fast as I want it to.

Now I'm not going to lie, sometimes I look in the mirror and don't feel any skinnier. Sometimes I see that my clothes are way baggier but just can't see how my body looks all that different. But how I feel? That's what counts. I feel stronger, I feel better. I can take my kids out and carry them on my back without tiring out quickly. I am more capable at lifting and moving things around the house. Exercises that were hard are becoming easier. It feels GREAT!!! I feel more comfortable out in public. I feel more confident. I just feel good!

I wish I could upload the video I made so that it could do the explaining for me. But blogger says it is too large-- whatever! So instead I will show you some pictures. Please try not to cry. Sometimes I want to cry, so its OK. I just wanted to try and show the issue I have with excess skin from my twins. 

These pictures are a little older, but not too much older. It was maybe a month or two ago. I wanted to share this because, even as I get myself into better shape, the shape of my body remains unique. Having this excess skin was part of what held me back. It made me think my body wasn't worth putting much more effort into it. The skin was always going to be there so whats the point. So instead of trying to hide it in shame I just started embracing it. Maybe I don't have a perfectly flat smooth tummy. Maybe I still get discouraged when clothing clings to my tummy so unattractively. But my body is unique. It has it's own unique story that tells about all the amazing things it has done. Is it hard to look in the mirror sometimes? Yes. But not because I'm ashamed. Sometimes it's just hard because I morn for my body and the sacrifice it had to make. I guess it seems kind of like a pity party, but for me it's solemn respect, a moment of silence and maybe a tear or too. I wear this badge proudly, even though it isn't necessarily beautiful to me, it's unique. 

My advice to you is to look at yourself, and see where you are putting the "I can't's" into your life. What is holding you back? You don't have to set some outlandishly crazy goal. I have four kids, I work full time and I have a house to take care of. I didn't pick some crazy exercise and diet routine I knew would wear me down. I picked something doable, something attainable, something that fit well with me. And I have seen results. So don't look at the impossible, look at how you can make what feels impossible possible. And if what you choose happens to be about getting in shape and loosing weight, well learn to love your body for all that it is, in all stages. Your body is yours, it isn't anyone else's. It won't be perfect in every area, but the improvements will still be outstanding! And how you feel on the inside will be the best part!