My Life High and Being Stuck in Transition

While taking a class to certify as a doula, we learned all about hormones and when they are released. More importantly we learned about the high you get off of endorphins when you are taken past a point you didn't think you could go. So if you feel like you are just so tired, so sore, so out of breath that you can't do it anymore and you push yourself a little further you will get your endorphin high and it will be AMAZING!

Runners experience it. Those in labor experience it. And now I wonder if I can experience it.

We learned about terminology and that we shouldn't use the word "transition". Transition can often be an extremely hard part of labor, and the term can carry with it some fear for women. So we learned other phrases we can use to help. Now I'm terrible and I can't remember if transition is when you get your endorphin high, but I associated the two in my brain. I seem to remember that you will get a surge of adrenaline after transition to help you through the rest of your birth, but I can't recall if that is where the endorphin high comes from.

Either way I look at my life and where I am. I feel like I'm in constant transition. I feel like I'm in that constant hard place trying to take my life from irresponsible teenager to a responsible adult with a viable career that can sustain herself and her family. The problem is I never quite get past transition. Instead I seem to keep going back to what seems easy.

I've done it so many times. I got overwhelmed with school. I worked an easy part time job, but still ran myself ragged trying to keep up with the hours needed to keep my theater scholarship. Then I started looking for easy ways out. I went through about a million different career options. I looked at all kinds of schools trying to decide if I would handle what they offered. I signed up for University of Phoenix with hopes of getting a teaching degree and then going into special education. But I found out I was pregnant shortly after starting, the school was in Salt Lake(30 min away from me) and I completely forgot about classes with my pregnancy brain. So I quit. I continued hoping that a career and a schooling option would present itself that would just work. But I got scared out of everything. But soon I realized I needed to push through it. So I went to sign up for the paramedic program. Well I would need a few things before entering. After a few complaints I knew I just needed to do what needed to be done, and I needed to get through this. But even so, I have let math stand in my way. Even though I could have been done with it by now.

And so it seems to be. I can never seem to push myself through that transition. Even now I sit here staring at my options. Looking at what I have started with midwifery school and doula training. I jumped in fully ready to take the horse by the reigns and ride on through transition. I was certain that it was the right path so I would easily be presented with a way to accomplish what I needed to. But I'm slowly failing. I'm having trouble catching up on homework.I kind of scared to complete homework because I feel like my brain is very lacking on the information and the know how. And then every time I turn around there is another purchase to be made, or a mess up of payments.

I just don't know what to do. I'm stuck in transition, hoping I can pull myself through so I can full the high on the other side, but I'm just too scared. Too scared of failing. Too scared of the money needed. And too scared That I will just never get to a place where I'll have the stability of a career of a real responsible adult.

I mull over options in my brain. I look at our situation and try to decide if we can earn more money, take on more work or add other jobs. And I just become overwhelmed because I have trouble managing life as it is. And here I sit writing post after post, and taking my kids to dance recitals and on fun activities. How can I say I don't have time? But each of these are twinged with guilt because I know I am terribly behind, and I just feel so stuck. I don't know how to accomplish what I need to because my brain can not see the path that leads us from transition to the other side. And I'm just too scared to take that first step into the unknown. The unknown of money issues, stability and how will we survive if I can't start working now.

It scares me!

Strong!

It has become greatly important for me to feel strong. Not just emotionally, but physically too. I don't just want to think I can compete, I want to know I can. It started when I wanted to see if I could meet the requirements for the ROTC. My reasons for doing this may be a little petty-- in fact I don't know if I can explain it here without it sounding really weird. I was amazed to find myself advancing each week. I improved greatly-- thanks to my awesome vitamins from DoTERRA, and other healthy changes. I had never seen my body improve so greatly, and it became sort of addicting. I liked knowing I could be stronger if I wanted to. I liked knowing that I wouldn't just spend hours working out to be my same flabby self. I liked knowing I had some power over myself and my situation. And I did finally meet the requirements for ROTC, though I know now that is probably not a path I will take.

Even with my new physical achievements I felt like I was still lacking. I needed to do more to build strength than just push-ups, sit-ups and aerobics with weights. I started doing vertical push-ups on the corner of my counter, and I would turn and lift myself with my arms and do leg lifts. Boy was I sore the next day. Sore and tired. But I started getting pretty good at those too. So now it was time to try something new.

So one crazy night I piled the kids in the car, drove to an elementary school and decided to do a full on playground workout. What I really wanted to do was attempt pull ups, a set with my hands facing one direction and than the other. The school didn't have any pull-up bars, so I used the monkey bars. I was hoping I would find them to be surprisingly easier than all those other times I had tried pull-ups. I was wrong. Attempting pull-ups made me terribly aware of something-- I still had weakness.

I tried several times. I tried different ways and directions. I tried different pep talks. Those pull-ups still got the best of me. I had to finally let myself off the hook, and just try to take comfort in the fact that I had come this far and I could master these too-- it would just take time.

But still it's hard. It's hard to feel my weaknesses. Both physically and emotionally. I want to be strong. I want to know I can take care of myself. I want to know that I'm strong enough to fight if I need to. That I'm emotionally well enough to not freak out, have break downs or get super frustrated with my kids. But the weaknesses are there. And I have to face them everyday.

This fear of weakness may be stemmed from a big distrust in men. Honestly, I don't know if the actions of the men in my life are severe enough to justify my distrust, but boy do I struggle. Like at the park when I was doing my pull-ups/workout a guy pulled up in his car. My internal warning alarm went off. I immediately started looking around for escape plans in case this guy was some sort of attacker. How would I get out? Could I manage to get my kids? I was weak from working out and worried I wouldn't have the strength to fight. Well, apparently he was just dropping off his recycling, and apparently he had his wife with him. Why do I do this?

Or there was the time the Kirby guys came to ask if they could shampoo my carpets-- which means give you a 3 hour overview of their vacuum system, pressure you into spending over $1,000 and maybe go over your floor once with their shampooer. They asked if my husband was home. My alarm went off again. Why would they ask that? Is it safe to invite men into my home when I'm here by myself? When the guy came back I left my door open the whole time and tried to avoid getting stuck somewhere I couldn't easily escape from.

Honestly my guard go's up around men all the time. I often feel they don't understand my situation. And I have often been told by them that they disapprove of my means of emotional outlets and that I should protect my husbands honor. When a male ward member, or family friend, asks how things are going, if I need anything or if everything is OK my alarms go off again. I freeze and switch to a mode where I fight the part of me that wants to always be completely honest, and I just give a simple answer. I just never know what reaction I'll get, and a lot of times I feel that I just dig my own grave because of how I present myself and my situation.

For the most part this makes sense with my situation. And I felt that it wasn't too out of my control. But the situations recently have shown me that I really have a lot of trust issues with men, and that really surprises me.

However, this distrust is what has led me to become stronger. I just want the assurance that I can take care of myself. That I can compete in a man's world. I think a part of me feels if I can prove this to myself than putting trust in men won't be so terrifying. That's why it's hard to know I'm still weak. It's hard to know I cannot fight all my own battles-- physically for sure, somewhat emotionally as well. It's hard and it's scary but I know there's a lesson in there somewhere. I just need to learn it.