Life just keeps throwing things my way. I feel like I've been crying since Thursday night. My son is having trouble with his temper at school and at daycare. My relationship has hit another stumbling block, or perhaps iceberg would be more fitting. And I just sit here, pray and try to figure it all out.
This weekend I went on a trip with my boys to Southern Utah. We just did a quick day trip. I couldn't really afford a hotel room, and I really didn't think there'd be enough to entertain us for more than a day. Even though I had my kids, it was a little lonely and somewhat boring for me, and so it was good we just spent the day.
Peach Days in Hurricane
I wore one of my favorite outfits, and my favorite white skirt. No white after Labor day right? Haha! It's not like me to follow rules like that, but in all honesty I tend to not were my white stuff in the fall and winter. It just doesn't seem to fit my mood.
My little boy chased down the paper exclaiming, "I got it! I got the treasure map!"
Kanab
There wasn't much to do in Kanab. The hotels were full, but the town was empty. For some reason this was where I really wanted to come though. Mostly because of a gem shop a little ways out of town in Orderville.
The necklace I'm wearing in the above pictures was purchased at this gem shop last year. I really felt myself wanting to return and get another one.
When I purchased that necklace I was trying to pick something besides the turquoise type colors, which I am always drawn to. Then a friend said maybe I'm drawn to those colors for a reason, and she told me about the properties that turquoise has. I decided not to deny my inner desire to seek out this color and this stone.
My Dad has always loved turquoise too. In fact I think he passed down his love of rocks and gemstones to me. One of my little boys also has this love it appears. He loves rocks and has his own collection.
Well this time I decided to pick the necklace I was most drawn to. I also picked up some loose stones that all had properties that sounded like they would be good for me, and my guy, right now. I am now really wishing I had written down exactly what I bought. I can tell you the necklace I bought is a stone that is good for calming fears. And the rose quartz, the light pink one I believe, had to do with receiving love. One of them had to do with relationships, and one I think helps to clear you mind and helps aid you when you need to make big decisions. The blue one was pretty, and I needed it to finish filling up the little bag-- you get to fill a bag with stones for $2.95. I notice when I hold it that it has a very grounding feeling to it.
So that was basically why I went on the trip. So I could stop at the gem store. We then headed home. On the way back from Kanab there is a turn off for Bryce Canyon. I had originally wanted to try and go there on this trip. So I made an impulse decision to take the turn off. What a mistake! It costs $30 to get into Bryce Canyon so we just turned around, and the we ended up taking a very long route home because I took the wrong road.
We stopped at this outlook, and I was freaking out because I-15 was nowhere in sight. I had no idea where I was or where this road would come out. It just kept going and going. The two boys that went with me were happy though. They said this was the best road trip, and the view was so beautiful. This trip meant a lot to them, and I'm glad. They were so excited, and they really had fun.
In other news. . .
I took my boys out school shopping, one on one, a couple weeks ago. We got dinner, or just a treat afterward. I spent a little more than I would've liked, but it was a special time with my boys, so it was worth it.
I got to meet my cousins darling new born baby. I promise, she's crying because she's hungry
My little boy turned 5 on the 1st and we celebrated his birthday
I enjoyed all the compliments I received for my new shirt. I wanted some fun shirts for work and so I picked this one up at Wal-Mart. I was surprised with all the compliments I got. I also asked a guy at work some comic book questions, which turned into a long conversation. I have some knowledge to back my shirt purchase ;).
This weekend was an interesting one. I have been terribly emotional because of receiving some big blows. I have been getting told a lot that my son is having issues with throwing tantrums. When I picked him up from daycare on Thursday, I just. . .well. . .it wasn't grand. I was so upset with how I had been treated, and so embarrassed too, I let myself get too upset with my little boy. I took away all his superhero stuff and told him that superheroes don't act like that. I called my mom crying. Once again I felt like I just wasn't made for this "mom" thing. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the strength to try and figure this out.
I then realized I had let my own emotions get in the way of truly caring for my son, and what had caused his outburst that day. I gave him a hug, and he transformed into the bighearted kid I know him to be. He even went to help his baby brother and told me he wants to try harder to show his brother he loves him. I knew his outbursts were coming from a place of pain, so I talked to him. He hurts because he doesn't feel like he makes many friends, and because this kid at school bullies him. I asked him extensively about the bully because I was worried that someone might be hurting him. Then their Dad came and picked them up. I spent the rest of the night crying. I was heartbroken because of how I had treated him. I was sure to tell him later that he's my Superhero.
On Friday I got a terribly devastating email from my guy. I was a mess at work. Not only from what had happened with my son, but now there was the email too. I know there are those who think I'm crazy, who think I'm possibly being duped, or lied to, and who think my guy behaves weird. I can tell you for a fact he is weird and different in a lot of ways. That's part of the reason I like him so much. He has certain principles and rules he wants to live by, and he really doesn't like to betray them.
He's wants to be a gentleman through and through and he wants to emulate Cary Grant as much as possible. He also really doesn't like to impose on people. I have had to learn that his actions, though seemingly having one meaning to me, aren't always how I interpret them.
Like one time I asked if we could take a trip together before he was scheduled to leave for the Army. He was hesitant and refused. I felt rejected. But upon talking with him I learned that he didn't have the money to help pay for the trip, and he didn't want me to spend my money. He was always trying to tell me not to spend my money because he knows I don't have a lot. Sometimes I would have to remind him that is was my choice, and he would understand.
Sometimes I'd offer help, and he would refuse that too. I learned, from watching him and getting to know him, that he doesn't like to impose on people or ask for help. Sometimes I would just say, "I'm bringing you this," to try and get around it.
I have also had to learn many things as far as communication. He prefers to talk in person. He told me this right when we first started dating. He texted me one Sunday saying he couldn't stop thinking about me since we had talked that Saturday. I offered to call him, but he said he preferred meeting in person. This was after our talk on Saturday when he stated how much he just prefers to speak in person, so he can give all his focus and attention to the person he is talking to. Also, if he talks on the phone he doesn't like to multi task. He likes to give you all his attention. And he also doesn't feel comfortable talking while he's driving. When he was with me he rarely looked at his phone or answered texts. He wanted to make sure when we were together that his focus was on us.
Some of the things he does are different and they raise questions, even for me. But in the end I find there is usually an understandable reason for it.
Yes he is a very different person. Sometimes it's in the worst ways, but really it's in the best ways. I have never had a man tell me things like he's told me. He wasn't afraid to say something poetic and romantic. He supports me so much emotionally. We have the most invigorating conversations, and we can talk about everything. He usually realizes where his mistakes lie. Whenever I felt the need to bring an issue up with him he would usually say something himself, to ease my fears, before I ever had to mention it. I have never felt disrespected or used by him. And though I have my insecurities I feel so treasured by him in so many ways. As I have looked at the overall picture I feel perfectly happy taking his flaws and hardships because what is good about the relationship is so good. And what is good about him is a lot harder to find in a man than it is to find a man who may not have the same shortcomings.
I have said before I don't know what our future will bring. He is going through a lot right now. And I won't really have a clear idea on what happens next until I see him later this month. But I do know what is in my heart, and what I feel when I pray. I have asked several times to have complete clarity and understanding when I pray on the subject. I want to make sure I truly hear my Heavenly Father's voice and not just my own. I feel a peace in my heart even though fear and doubts sneak in. Overall I can't deny my own feelings. I don't feel drawn to anyone else right now, which is usually what I have felt when I needed to end relationships in the past. And I also know that no other guy has impacted me like this he has. All that we did together was special. The memories hold such a strong energy. I think we both truly cherished our time together, and so now my memories of him are vivid and plentiful. I didn't know that it was possible to care for someone like I care for him. Sometimes I am fearful of my circumstance. I'm fearful that I am being duped or lied to. Sometimes I want Heavenly Father to tell me it is time to move on. I try these thoughts on for size, but in the end they just don't fit. I know they are just fears, doubts and lies. My centered self recognizes them as such.
I know life would go on without him, and if I had to I could move on. But really life just seems so much fuller if he's to be a part of it.
We'll see what happens I suppose. I'll keep a prayer in my heart, and have faith in my Heavenly Father and what he has advised me to do. Pain and heartache are incredible burdens to bear at times, but I know it means I can grow more as a person, and learn more about all the perspectives of life.
