The Story of Tricia's Ornaments

I don't have much money. I don't really have all that much to pay bills. This means that there wouldn't be much for getting Christmas gifts this year. I saw a picture of some hand drawn ornaments in a magazine and I thought, "I can do that."

Well, I can kind of do that ;).

Of course, I didn't get started on this till way late, and I really was crunching the deadline to hand them out at my family party, and to even get them out as neighbor gifts. But I finally got them all drawn. I even stayed up till 3:00 AM to go over them with pen. This was all in hopes that I could have them ready for my family party that night. That morning I got up to get ready to head out and take care of my many errands before my family party. I was just about ready to go. I snapped a picture of my completed masterpieces and I went off to finish getting ready.

I then told the kids to go get in the car. I was so excited. It appeared I might actually get this accomplished. We were now ready to head to the copy place to get copies of my wonderful project. So far everything seemed to be working out.

I went to grab my sketch book and this is what I found:

My two year old had decided to do a little artwork of his own.

I was crying and screaming. I couldn't believe the irreversible damage that had been done. I called people to try and find some comfort. It just felt like such an unimaginable loss. I couldn't believe all the time and effort that was wasted. Those couldn't just be lost could they?

Thankfully I have some supportive people in my life.

My dad helped me tape the paper together and I am still working on removing the scribbles.

My ex-husband took the photo and edited it and reprinted the images for me. For which I am so grateful. I have had to go through and re-shade everything, but I don't care.

I finally completed the first set of ornaments on Christmas Day. Tada!

 It's not perfect, but at least those drawings weren't a total loss. I didn't manage to have them ready for the party either. But my mom offered to help me get them all delivered. Hopefully I can get them out to all the people I had planned to give them to. For now I'm just grateful it worked out as well as it did.

Grasping At Straws

This post isn't meant to be offensive, nor is it saying I lost my faith or anything like that. It's just a realization I had last night while participating in a popular LDS tradition: seeing the lights at Temple Square.

I have to admit I have had a harder time adjusting to Christmas being over this year. Its been a long time since I have enjoyed the Christmas Season this much. All growing up I felt the same way. I adored the Christmas Season and when it was over I would feel sad having to say goodbye. Sometimes I would even cry. I eventually accept the new year and get excited about new adventures, but it can be adjustment. Anyway. . .that might be something that has contributed to the recent feelings I have had.

I have also been feeling odd lately. Most times I feel excited and happy and I can't wait for what life may bring me. But lately nothing has seemed to spark that in me. I am very content with my life. I was able to get a really good job thanks to a family friend-- I totally owe him because I don't think I could have done it without him. I feel secure in the fact that I can now take care of my kids. And I have so many friends and family that have blessed me in so many ways. I am happy with life. It's just when I think about getting remarried, or things that the future may bring I just feel kind of. . .Meh! Maybe that's a good thing, I don't know. I just don't know if I feel excited about possible new relationships or meeting someone new. Right now it's just like, whatever. It's not all that bad. It's just different from how I normally feel, Normally those thoughts make me happy, but right now they make me feel neither happy or sad.  home there.

This sounds kind of depressing. Sorry. I'm not depressed or sad I promise. It's just one of those moments. . .you know? Where suddenly every thing feels sentimental and wonderful, but you worry that you'll never be able to hang on to it. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway. . .all these feelings might have contributed to what I realized last night. And I might have been a little disappointed that only one of my kids wanted to join me on a trip up to Salt Lake.

But on with the real reason for this post. Me and my 4 year old headed up to Salt Lake to look at the lights at on Temple Square. I used to go up to Salt Lake all the time. I would go by myself or on dates. The city never bothered me. In fact I felt at home there. But this time I was nervous. I'm not a fan of the stop we got off of for front runner. The trax lines have gone through changes that I am still not used to, and we had a heck of time trying to figure out which train would take us downtown-- me and the other passengers that is. I just felt a little weird being up there by myself I guess. Well we got to downtown, and the little guy was starving. So we went to get food first. This meant heading to City Creek. I am not a fan of that place either. Maybe if it had been built before I had kids, But I find it to be kind of inconvenient with kids, and I just don't know if I enjoy all there is to see there. Most the stores are way too expensive for me. I never really enjoy the walking through there because of the crowds, and well. . .complain. . .complain. . .complain. I need to try and have a better attitude about it I guess. We went to the food court, got some food, had a heck of a time finding a seat, and then we headed back to see the lights.

The lights were pretty, as usual. Though I feel like they are doing less and less each year.

We went up to the top of the Joseph Smith building and we squeezed in for a view. I looked at beautiful temple. I have always been in awe of it's beauty and detail. How did the pioneers build this? To me it's such an architectural marvel. Perhaps I am simple minded. I don't know. But seriously I look at it and just feel that it is pure genius. I have never gone through this temple myself. I never felt like I wanted to get married there even though it's beauty is beyond compare. But still I have always felt that this temple stood out among all the other temples.

It has always been special to me. The whole Salt Lake experience has always felt special. But this time it felt a little different. I looked at the Salt Lake temple and wondered if it really was something I cherished, or perhaps the me that thought she cherished it was borrowing feelings that she herself didn't really feel. I felt off. I searched every part of me that had always enjoyed trips to Salt Lake. Was this still a part of me? Did it still hold a special meaning? Suddenly all those memories felt superficial and fake.

Had it not been real? Had I just been grasping at straws my whole life?

The girl I was before isn't who I am now. She will always be a part of me, but I have changed a lot. I have realized that I needed something more, something deeper than the beliefs I had been raised to have. I had to find a new path to God. I had to figure it all out all over again. Back in 2011 I sat down and thought how angry I was with God. I had tried to do what was right. I had tried to live a good life, but I kept getting thrown challenges and trials and I was tired of trying to learn the lessons I needed to learn. Whatever those lessons were I was done. I looked at my life. Where do I go from here? Do I turn my back on God and the church? Does that make me feel happier? I looked at my life and what it might be like as an atheist who had no faith. I knew that wouldn't equal happiness for me. I knew I could never deny that God was real. So what do I do? I realized I would just have to keep trying, keep searching and keep hoping that one day I would find a way to fit God, and the church, back into my life.

And I have. I have had incredible spiritual experiences. I have developed a relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior unlike anything I could have ever dreamed was possible. It's been an incredible journey. And maybe now, those experiences I wanted to be real earlier on in my life just don't feel as real as the ones I have come to know.

I don't know if that makes sense. I do not deny the beauty of the Salt Lake temple, nor the wonderful sacrifice it took to build it. But now the meaning it holds for me will have to be relearned. I will have to find a new path that reawakens the sacredness this temple holds.

Before my testimony was real enough. But I fear a lot of it may have been grasping at straws. Now my testimony has had to stem from some place deeper, and now all those experiences I have known as a child need to stem from that place as well. Does that make sense?

I enjoyed my night with my little boy. Though I will admit I was always a little nervous about walking around Salt Lake by myself. We had fun seeing the lights and we actually went to The Grand America to see there window displays for the first time ever. I didn't have it in me to fight all the crowds to view the nativity though. But we still had a fun night.

Another thing that made this trip a little harder was that I just miss my family. I miss who we were. We always went places together. We liked to plan events to go to together. And now that has changed. It's too hard to get everyone to agree to the same plan. There are just too many young kids. And everyone is so worn out from the horrible stress that has filled our lives for the last several years. I guess that's life. My grandparents eventually stopped coming places with us. Of course the same would eventually be true for my family. But still I miss it. It ended too soon.

As I look to the future it's sometimes hard to accept. I've had to watch wonderful friends move away. I've had to watch my family make huge changes. I've had to realize relationships weren't going to be what I had hoped they would be. It's hard to accept change. That's one reason it's hard for me to say goodbye to the year and embrace a new one. But I know change will come and I just need to learn to deal with it.

I don't know what the future will bring for me and my little family. I hope one day I will find success in a career that I enjoy. I hope one day I may enjoy the start of a new relationship, and perhaps a new marriage-- who knows. Though I can't say I feel particularly enthused about that at this moment-- last week I was, so I'm certain that will change. But I hope we continue to make memories and just enjoy being a family and being together.

Jekyll and Hyde

I have spent many years trying to figure out the Jekyll and Hyde story. To be honest the original story I still find a little odd, but of course I am yet to pull out a non abridged version and read it the whole way through. When if first saw the musical the story began to make a lot more sense. The way the musical was written brought about a purpose for the story I could actually grasp. Now I don't know how well the vision of those that wrote the musical lines up with the vision of Robert Louis Stevenson, but the musical vision definitely grabbed my attention.

The musical focuses on Good Vs Evil. And not only that but what is good and what is evil. It also goes on to explain how all of us tend to be good and evil in some way. So what does make a good man? Is this man good even though at times he does these things that are wrong? Are we going to define this woman as bad because she is a prostitute, or are we going to see beyond that?

My boys Incredible Hulk costume fits this subject nicely. After all Hulk is kind of a Jekyll and Hyde story as well.

HULK SMASH!

I myself have managed to become the bad person in some peoples story. It shocks me because I honestly never intended to hurt or upset anyone, and yet still I manage to do so. It's hard to see how all my actions might affect somebody. It is then interesting to see what people choose to see in my actions, or inaction's. I have seen people make assumptions and then talk to me about them like they are facts. As I stood there dazed and confused at why these conversations, and relationships, where falling apart. I realized that half the problem is that we aren't seeking out truth and asking the other person questions. We are just assuming what each other is doing and then justifying our anger and hurt with that.


It really makes me look at how I view things and other people. I definitely have taken a step back and realized that I need to stop acting on my own assumptions. I need to remember what kind of things have been fabricated from my actions. I need to remember what stories are told and assumed from other people based on what they see me do. When I hear these stories, or see the results, I'm simply shocked! How they heck did that come about. But then I realize I do the same thing, and if I do make assumptions I need to tell people that its an assumption not a fact.

I think about this as I look back at my marriage, as I try to figure out what I need to do to make future relationships work better. Honestly relationships daze and confuse me, and I'm not really sure how to have a working relationship with anyone. But moving on. . .I have really tried to decide how you draw the line for what was acceptable and what was not. What was my fault and what was his? Where does my responsibility end? It would be so easy to just say he was a bad person and I had to leave. Sometimes I wished he was just a bad person. That would have made things easier in a way. But I know it's not true. I know he is a good person. And in turn I know that I wasn't always a good person. Mistakes were made on both ends.

This is something I both love and hate about myself. I am always analyzing always trying to see things from all sides. I am always trying to figure out what everyone's real intentions were, and not just what I assume their intentions were. And in the end it becomes a little hard to define who is good and who is bad, or who was right and who was wrong. In some ways I don't know if these definitions work well at all. We're all just human. What actions should define us? Does all the good simply fade because of one mistake. Is one mistake really big enough to make it so the rest doesn't matter at all? I've been judged like this, and it just seems wrong.

Honestly I have no answers on this subject. I just find it interesting and feel of many thought provoking ideas. My mind tends to spin off and look at a situation from all sides, and this does leave me insecure about my own actions sometimes. But even so I wouldn't change that. It makes some things difficult, but I also feel it has brought about a great deal of understanding.

I have made some poor decisions. I have hurt people,sometimes through anger and intent, though  I am trying really hard to stray from that. And sometimes I have hurt people without any intent of doing so at all. It's a whole bowl of craziness really. I'm always battling that bad side of myself, and sometimes it wins for minute. But it feels like such a betrayal to the real me, and the intentions I want to have. It's hard to figure out why that part of me exists at all. Maybe it's not about fighting this side of me, but understanding it. Those emotions are there for a reason, and I need to understand what that is if I am ever going to figure this out.

There is just a whole bunch of content in this subject. I don't think all of it can fit in my head at once. For now I am trying to push judgments and assumptions aside and remember that everyone's actions can come across one way or another, even mine.

It's Not Easy, It's Not Perfect but I Guess It's Time

I've been thinking about this post for a while. It's one I have felt I need to write over and over again. I have had the urge to just spit it out, but kept waiting till I felt it was more appropriate. I was hoping I could give more people this news in person. More people deserve to have received it in person than actually have. But it's just such a hard and awkward thing to bring up. It's like announcing you're pregnant. Only with this you know, most the time, the reaction isn't going to be great. OK so maybe it's exactly like announcing you're pregnant.

Well, here I am, pacing back and forth between the computer and the shower. Unsure of how to deliver this news, but feeling that it is time. I tried to ignore the promptings, but they keep urging me back to the computer desk. So here goes.

Yesterday was the 7th. This means that in a month from yesterday my divorce will be final. That is if everything goes well. My ex-husband, or soon to be, moved out a couple of weeks ago. The whole thing feels weird and strange, but I have spent a year very prayerfully considering these things and I have felt that this is the best thing for the family. It's scary, it's weird and I'm not all too certain what I'm going to do, but I also feel this sense of peace. I know my Heavenly Father is there for me. I heard him tell me it was time. I argued with him that it couldn't be. And then I realized it was time, and that everything would be alright. I didn't think I had learned what I needed to learn, but I have come a long way since the last time we filed for divorce-- we ended up staying together and trying to work it out that time. I realized I was way more emotionally prepared for this. I feel whole and complete and ready to take on this new challenge. It takes a lot of faith. It is so hard to be in this position, and yet so amazing!

Let me just tell you. Divorce is a crazy thing. I feel a sudden weight lifted from me, but when I tell others what is happening I suddenly feel like I am giving them a weight to carry. I wish I could help them see that this is better for me. That I feel so much happier. That my social anxieties are diminishing. That I feel like I can function and get my life back in order. That I feel in control again. I just feel so happy, and I know it's the right thing to do. I know it's not perfect. I know it will be hard. But my life took a turn for "not perfect" and "hard" a long time ago. This wasn't a choice between right and wrong. This was a choice between some rights and some wrongs, and some other rights and some other wrongs. I don't know if I can explain it. I'm just glad I have a Heavenly Father who can guide me and help me to make decisions like these.

Divorce is not easy. It is not an easy way out. It is not an easy decision to make, and it is not an easy thing to do, or be. In a lot of ways staying married could technically be called "easy". It has it's own version of easy: it's not messy, it's comfortable, you know what to expect. Divorce is scary. But even as scary as divorce is I would think about staying and I just knew I couldn't do that anymore. It just is not working. It's not an easy decision, and it's a process.

Once the decision is made there are so many times to second guess. There is messy paperwork to fill out. Filling out that paperwork feels horrible. Even though I was sure this is what I should do, it still felt horrible. Going through all the steps to legally separate our lives was depressing. I had to consider things I never thought I'd have to consider. It's just sad, and it's hard. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to think about it, but it's the only way, so I just got through it.

After you get that filled out you then take that paperwork to complete strangers to get it notarized. I can't help but feel the weight and shame that comes from carrying this document around. It feels like you have something dirty and unclean that people don't want to think about. I think this stems form a couple of things:

1. It's very personal and the notary public, who is also a stranger, knows this and wants to handle it with care.
2. They know it's terribly personal, and they don't know what to say. They have to be invited into this part of your life, and they can feel how hard that is
3. What exactly are you supposed to do or say to this stranger who has to bring you such personal documents? You're a professional but divorce is a huge, (once again) personal, thing. How do you deal with suddenly having to be a part of a strangers divorce? Heaven know if roles were reversed I would not have the slightest idea. 

Whatever it is that creates the feelings, that come from having to hand this document over to the notary, it is not an easy thing to do.

It's also not an easy thing to share. I'm no good at lying. I don't like covering up. When I say "my husband" I instantly correct myself and say "ex-husband" even though it's just a clerk at the grocery store. They don't need to know my current marital status. But it's weird to say. It's hard to say. The word carries weight. A weight you don't want to have to throw around. Suddenly you just become grouped in a statistic. I can't explain to the world the whole 3-4 year process I have gone through that has brought me here. I can't share every little thing that happened or feeling I had. Oh well. I just have to look inside me, and find that peace that I know this is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think or what group they put me in. Maybe I'm not good at marriage. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I care too little. Maybe it is just the situation and I will find I can make marriage work with someone else. Maybe I'll get married again and it will all be the same. Or maybe I'll just stay single. Either way I'm headed in a direction I know is right, even if I don't know the outcome right now.

I wish I could explain it better. I wish I could grab some "Tricia's life" glasses and rewind it to 2010 and just let people watch. I wish I could share my experiences, but every time I try I can't think of how to word it so that it remains simply my experiences and feelings, and doesn't become intertwined with my ex-husband. It just doesn't work. Even when I think I've accomplished it it still affects things. Oh well. Some know the whole story. Some know most of it. And some are probably totally shocked and know nothing at all. Either way just know this is something I have spent a long time praying about, thinking about and pondering about. I really feel this is the best step to take for my family. It's not easy, it's not perfect but it's the best I can do.

6 months of Reading. . .Plus 6 More. . .Plus 2 More

I wanted to update my reading list so I searched through my posts to find where the last update left off. I thought it would be around December 2013, but no. The last time I posted about reading was in May 2013. I'm really on top of this aren't I?

For those that don't know I have tried to keep a goal I set, back in January of 2012, to read a book every month. Keeping up with this goal is an accomplishment worth celebrating which is why I like to post about what I read here. Sadly I've let that goal slip. I've also let posting about it slip. So we'll try and piece together what we can.

July 2013-December 2013

Started The Majesty of God's Law By: W. Cleon Skousen

I really enjoy Skousen's books. His writing makes for a nice read and I feel there is so much truth in what he says. I always come our of reading one of his books feeling more intelligent and more enlightened. This book is a big read, and I made several attempts to keep my goal, but I faltered. I am still yet to finish this book. And I really didn't get that far into it either. But I will be attempting to finish it here soon.

I also started A Narrative of a Revolutionary Soldier By: Joseph Plumb Martin

I really am sad about the fact that I started this book so long ago. I guess those months were full of school work. In fact I have no doubt that they were. I'm pretty sure this was the time I was doing my Zoology class, which is pretty much just an anatomy class-- I really don't know what the difference is.

I also read The Luxe By: Anna Godbersen

This book was OK. I got irritated with the characters-- I really didn't care for any of them. But it kept my interest, was fun to read and I got through it in a week. It's not something you HAVE to read, but it's pretty fun.

January 2014-March 2014

This was full of school work as well. I may have tried to read a little from A Narrative of a Revolutionary Soldier along the way. But I didn't get much personal reading done, that's for sure.

March 2014-June 2014

This was the month I began Midwifery School. I really had to push to get a lot of reading done in a very small amount of time.

For Midwifery School I read:

• Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn (4th Edition): The Complete Guide By: Penny Simkin, April Bolding, Ann Keppler and Janelle Durham
• A very thorough and complete guide about. . .well. . .everything it says in the title. 
• Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care 
• This book was very eye opening. Some parts I didn't feel I fully shared the writers emotions, but even so I felt I learned a lot.
• The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers By Jack Newman and Teresa Pitman
• This book is chuck full of great info on breastfeeding. There were some parts I could have done without, but it was well researched and would be a great reference for the breastfeeding mom. 
• Ina May's Guide to Childbirth By: Ina May
• I really enjoyed this book. I think it is a great book that will give you support in whatever form of childbirth you choose to have. 
• HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method By Marie F. Mongan and Lorne R. Campbell 
• I really enjoyed this book too. The great thing about studying Midwifery and natural childbirth is that you learn things that will help you with your life as well. This is one of those things. 
• Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife By: Peggy Vincent
• I really liked this book. I felt like me and Peggy had so many similarities. In a lot of ways she felt so out of place as a midwife, and sometimes I feel that way too. Yet she was amazing and, hopefully, I can be that way someday too. This book would be enjoyable even if you're not studying Midwifery. 
• The Midwife By: Jennifer Worth
• This book was truly impressive. It was so amazingly raw and honest. It was so good and so heartbreaking. I would sob and sob through a chapter, and then I would sob some more as I realized everything in this book was a true, real life experience. I want to highly recommend it, but I also don't want to be responsible for the heart wrenching experience you may have while reading it. Just know this book comes with a warning. It is also a good read even if Midwifery is not your subject of study.
• I also skimmed through some herbal books, and some Midwifery textbooks. And I started some other books about Midwifery, but didn't make it too far.

July 2014-August 2014

My life got very crazy around here. It took me a while to get settled back into things. When I finally got comfortable with the idea that I could spend the time on personal reading, without feeling guilty about neglecting schoolwork, I managed to make some progress. This means I finally finished A Narrative of a Revolutionary Soldier. 

This book took some patience to get through, older books tend to be like that. But I was so glad I read it. It was truly heartbreaking to read a first hand account about all that those soldiers went through. And then to read about how they were treated after the war was so heartbreaking too. Hearing his story showed me how much someone can endure and how important one man's life can be. His life was spared on so many occasions. I felt like he was truly blessed. It also made me realize what a miracle it was that we won that war. The army had so little support, and it seemed so unorganized and crazy at times. Not to mention how little those soldiers had as far as clothing, food, shelter, etc. It's simply amazing, and I am so appreciative of all that they suffered. I really recommend this book. 

I was so excited to have finished this book! It inspired me to get back on track with my reading once again. Yay! 

I also read Charlie's Monument by: Blaine M. Yorgason

Someone gave my mom this book when she lost her baby. She told me even though it didn't directly relate to her situation she found it to be very touching and comforting. It's a very quick read. It took me about a day. It was very simple, but it was very touching. There were so many parts of the book that inspired me. And the author's story about writing it is simply amazing. I would recommend reading this book. It won't take long and it is a very touching story. 

So that catches up my reading lists. I am now setting new goals, and creating a schedule that will hopefully give me time each day for school reading and personal reading. My hope is to read books every two weeks now. Of course, there will be books that I'll need more time to get through, but I'm hoping to keep that goal for the most part. Wish me luck! And happy reading to you all! :)

Doing God's Work

Here I am on a Sunday afternoon, stealing a sweet moment with my kids while working on handouts for a birth class. I find myself enjoying these moments with a lot less guilt lately, and that makes me happy. I hope I'm not shirking my responsibilities too badly, but I'm still just glad I can enjoy a moment.

I'm also trying to enjoy this moment to sit down and blog for a minute. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't spend so much time recording my experiences and thoughts on a blog. But than I think that in reality I'm recording my personal history, and the history of my family. That's not a bad thing right? Besides most the time when I blog it's because I feel very prompted to right down the thought or feeling I have. Granted sometimes I can be off on that prompting. But I do take it very seriously. Sometimes I sit on it for a few days and see if the direction to write is still there. And I also try to clear my thoughts before I finalize it with words to be sure I'm communicating the lesson I learned as best as I can.

A thought has popped into my head recently. I've watched my Heavenly Father bring several people into my life. I know he's been preparing me for things like this. Some of them were a bit of a shock, mostly because of the timing. Some I pretty much expected. Either way I'm amazed to see Him at work.

As I pondered some of these things I began to get frustrated. I was unclear as to what was supposed to be happening. I was stressed with the situation and where it was at. I was upset with myself that I could be more patient with my life. I started to wish this situation had never been brought about.

Then I thought back to an experience. Perhaps you remember me telling you about the friend I met at the birth retreat. I dropped her off in American Fork. While we were driving she was telling me how prompted she felt to ask me for a ride. She had mentioned this a couple times, but this time it struck me. I then thought, "Then that means I am doing The Lords work." I was already happy to help her out, but when I thought of that I felt an even greater comfort. He had chosen me for a task. I had almost not answered to his call, but then I did. And I was so grateful for having made that choice.

I took that lesson and applied it to the here and now. Heavenly Father has brought these people into my life. He has blessed me with so many wonderful friendships. And now instead of putting my agenda on the situation I need to stop and ask him what it is he wants of me. I know if I do that I will feel at peace no matter what happens. If I strive to bring about my will then I think I will always feel like I left something unfinished. But if I ask him what it is that he would have me do I know I will feel content no matter what the outcome may be.

I'm working hard at this everyday. Trying to figure out the things I need so I can learn and grow and create a better life for myself and my kids. I hope I can continue to listen to my Heavenly Father's promptings and do the things he wants me to do. It's not always easy, but when He asks I know it can be done

A Night Out With the Captain

Tonight I finally achieved a "mommy goal" of mine. I finally took my superhero loving boys to see "Captain America: Winter Soldier". I have to admit that I have been equally excited about keeping this date as my boys were. Why?

1. I get an excuse to enjoy a fun night out with the boys
2. I get to find some reason to make that fun night extra fun-- Captain America shirts and homemade hats.
3. I absolutely adore Captain America! It's a close tie between him and Superman. Why can't this man really exist?

I loved the movie. I mean it was a little crazy. The boys got a little antsy. I got some stares from fellow movie goers. And I did miss some scenes because of bathroom breaks, etc. But I really enjoyed it. My little conspiracy theory heart squealed a little at the plot line ;). And all around I loved it. I loved watching my boys get SO into it at the end. I loved watching one of them throw around lids like shields. All while wearing his totally awkward homemade hat. It was a good night.

But there was one thing I didn't expect: to have: a PTSD episode. It came out of no where. One little part of the movie. It lasted only a second. I saw it and felt the trigger. My brain tried to reason, "Come on Tricia, what you experienced wasn't on that level. You don't need to have PTSD over this." But slowly the trigger crept in. It almost felt like ice crawling up my arms and legs working it's way towards my heart. I had to get on top of it before it reached. I took deep breaths and whispered to myself, "Don't let it take over. This doesn't have to define you." It's been so long since I've had an episode. I haven't been in practice with staying on top. But I felt like I got it under control. And I felt like everything would be OK.

But the ride home proved me wrong. Hero movies usually amp up my "fight or flight" response. I walk out of the theater ready to take on the challenge. I'm ready to be a warrior. Come on, lets go kick some butt! Well this state of being, linked with a PTSD episode, left me a little fried. As I started to drive home I felt like I was fighting for my life. I was taking deep shaky breaths. I was on the verge of tears. I began to wonder if I needed to pull over and call someone. I tried to imagine stories in my head. I tried to imagine myself fighting. I tried to imagine someone who loved me enough to fight for me. But I know this isn't the answer. I need to love myself. I need to believe in myself. I then remembered what I needed to do. There is someone who loves me enough to help me fight. I prayed, held out my hand and turned it over to Christ. It was a great experience! It was a great reminder! Even when I don't want to give someone my burden, including him, I need to remember, that's how it's supposed to work. I felt so much warmth in my hand. I felt so strong and restored. I'm still a little shaken, but I'm going to be OK. This doesn't have to define me. It doesn't have to consume me.

As I watched the kids run all over the store, acting out their little superhero battles, there was a part of me that wanted to join them. I sometimes wish my demons were something I could just fight off physically. I know that's not easier, by far, but sometimes it feels that way. The emotional and mental battle is a war all it's own. And sometimes it's hard to not throw in the towel.

But I fought off my emotional demons. I managed to stay on top. And I managed to have a fun night out with my boys. The only true disappointment is that I don't have my own Captain America shirt ;). That's definitely one for the wish list.