You! Yes you! Have you ever tried to solve the worlds problems? Have you ever tried to find the solution to inner peace and happiness? Have you ever assumed you knew what someone needed or wanted? These were things I tried to do. I was determined to set out in life and find these answers. I was determined to live and learn, and seek out the things I needed to, to find how to be happy in life. To find how to be happy in love. To find how to be at peace. Well, my friends I'm sorry to say I don't have all the answers.
Have you ever noticed the impressions people get of you. People say stuff back to me and I'm like, "huh? What are you talking about?"
"You just need to be more confident."
"You just need to believe in yourself."
"You just don't see how awesome your are."
These phrases and more have been knocked around a million times, am I right? I mean there were times when people told them to me and I was like, "You're probably right." But in reality I kind of always thought I was a pretty awesome person. I tend to try and convince myself I'm not because, well, when you go out in the world thinking your awesome and then get served a piece of humble pie, it can kind of sting. And I guess me trying to tell myself I'm not great or I'm not worth it, is a defense mechanism. There were probably times I actually did believe it because it's what I had been telling myself for so long. There were times I just wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe I was nothing and worth no ones time because it was just too painful. It was too painful to try and go on. But people see me do this and create this perception of me that I lack confidence and self esteem.
Our perceptions of one another are tainted. We as people see what we want to see. We understand things from our perspective and its hard not to reflect our perspective onto others. We can have an idea of what others are going through, but as we try to relate I think we start putting our image on others and giving them our problems. Then when we've given them our problems we try to give them our solutions.
I struggle with this. And I have had to learn to step out of my world and realize that I'm just built differently then others, and that I don't know how I would be, or how I would feel if I was living this other persons life. Its actually something I can't really do very well. haha! I mean I have my life. I was raised in Utah, in the LDS church. My parents never divorced. I was raised to want a marriage, and a family. I was taught to not want for things, and I was taught to enjoy what I could afford and what was reasonable. I had twins first, then the other two followed within the next three years. I have all boys. I'm a young mother. My marriage didn't work out. My husband cheated on me. My experiences with relationships has never been greatly positive. I am me. And all these thing affect how I see the world. And that's something I can't change. I can do my best to empathize with others, but it's still difficult to fully understand other people, how they work, where they are truly at and what motivates their choices.
Sometimes I wish I could solve problems. I think I have an understanding of how to live and what is right, and then that understanding gets changed when I find myself encountering other lifestyles. I believe in God and the Savior. I follow them and I have my own interpretation of what they truly want from me. And every once and a while I have to step back and remember that I can only truly know what they want from me, and that sometimes I don't even understand that. So who am I to say what they may want from others. I've been led to people. People who I thought would become positive parts of my life. Men I thought I would marry and find happiness with. Each time a person came into my life I assumed I knew why. And then I would get a total shock and surprise when when the relationship ended, or made a different turn. I would sit there in shock and think, "But I swear, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I swear it was what the Lord was directing me to do." Then I realized that, even though the relationships didn't turn out the way I hoped they would, they still played key rolls in helping me learn and grow and become something more. I can walk away knowing I did what the Lord asked, and I learned what I was supposed to learn.
I just need to stop assuming. I need to stop thinking I have control. That I am "I dream of Jeanie" with my prayers saying, "I wish for a husband," and poof he appears. I need to remember that the people brought into my life are brought in for many different reasons, and that to let that be OK. I also need to remember, as I look at others, that I don't have the answers for them either. They are here to do what they feel they need to do, and who am I to assume that I know what they need and what they need to get out of life.
We're all so very different, and that is a beautiful thing. There are universal truths, and then there are personal truths and I think sometimes we get the two mixed up. We're here to learn from each other, and not every answer is going to be the same on everyone's test called "life".
I am striving to find a way to be a peace. I am constantly looking for God's hand in all of this. This world is a crazy place and sometimes I turn to the Lord, with a broken heart, asking him, "Why? Why must we live in a place where such terrible things happen? Why must there be so much pain and suffering? Why Lord? I don't understand." Life can be a gloriously, wonderful, happy, joyful little shit show that will pull the rug out from under you the minute you think you have it figured out. Life is beautiful and sucks all at the same time. We can only perceive a small piece of the world, and it will always be seen through our eyes only, with our little brand of perspective. And that is what I have to remember. That what I see is just a small portion. Trust in the Lord. The path I walk is not one of ease, but it's one full of lessons and growing. And I hope I continue to learn the things I need to learn as I seek to know God better.
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