Dressed to Impress

I remember being at the BYU pool, at a swimming activity for kids with special needs. I watched each week as volunteers were turned away for having a two piece swimsuit. I'm not talking about a bikini. I'm not talking about a tankini. I'm talking about a two piece swimsuit that covers the same amount of surface as a tank top and booty shorts. I even watched as a special needs child was not allowed to swim because she wore a two piece swimsuit(a tank top with bikini cut bottoms)too.
"This is ridiculous!" I said
"Well it's understandable. I mean she could be swimming and her top could float up and show her stomach." Replied a co-worker.

Oh right. See I forgot. Seeing someone's stomach could condemn your soul to Hell (?)

Why am I sharing this? Did I dislike this co-worker? No she was sweet, and she saw a different view point than I did. What I felt was ridiculous she saw as no big deal. Not a problem.

Do I dislike BYU? Well. .  .let's not go there. But even if I have a certain opinion of BYU, their rules are their rules. And their rules happen to be that only one piece swimsuits are allowed in their pool, no exceptions. Rules are rules, and it's a private institution that offered it's facilities for a good cause. Their rules should be respected.

I share because the intent behind this rule was to be sure that those swimming at the pool are dressed in a tasteful, and modest, suit. But my problem with the rule is that restricting swimsuits to "one piece only" does little to help solve the actual problem they are trying to prevent.

Often times rules are made with a good intention from a lesson learned by another. But what is lost in the making of the rule is the learning of that lesson. And soon it simply becomes about following a rule, or living by a checklist, instead of seeking out the intent and truly understanding why the rule was put in place. Then comes in letter of the law, shaming, guilt, etc. We don't get taught why not to do something we're just told it's bad. Then we look for every proof as to why that behavior is bad and why it leads to unhappiness.

I was raised LDS(BYU is owned by the LDS church). I was told living this lifestyle may seem restrictive, but the restrictions kept me free from things like addiction or getting used or abused and would lead me to living a happier, fuller, life. Is this entirely false? No I don't think so. I think that some of the things taught in the church can keep you from doing some very self destructive things. But I also feel the intent behind these restrictions is becoming lost. We're taught that living a certain way (i.e. going to a bar on occasion or having coffee in the morning)ultimately leads to unhappiness. But I see a lot of people live by the rules who aren't any more, or less, happy than anyone else.

I have been LDS my entire life. I followed the rules even when I didn't want to. I was told it would make me happier in the end. But. . .it didn't. It wasn't a terrible way to live, but it hadn't brought the blessings and happiness I was promised.

So I started to experiment. I started seeking out people who lived lifestyles different from the way I was raised to live. Some were happy. Some were not. Some followed God with all their hearts. Others were seeking direction elsewhere. But their lives weren't any better, or worse than mine. And all their experiences had taught them important things about life.

Among one of my experiments was how I dressed. I was growing tired of wearing t-shirts under everything. I was tired of having to modify my clothing. And I started to wonder if dressing this way was even something I really wanted to do, or if I was simply doing it because of culture pressures. So I decided to shed Mormon modesty rules and just dress how I really wanted to. Maybe I'd go back to dressing how I always had: a t-shirt under everything. Maybe I'd find the church was right and dressing within these guidelines did lead to a happier life. Or maybe I'd simply find it didn't matter what I wore as long as I was true to myself and felt comfortable.

For those who don't know an endowed LDS member of the church is supposed to wear clothing that covers the garment. This means knee length shorts and skirts and your top must have sleeves of some sort. Your top can also not go too low in the front or too low in the back.

It has now been a year. 

A year where I just came home and put my short workout pants on because I was hot from work and they were more comfortable. 

A year since I just wore dresses how I really wanted to instead of modifying them with t-shirts and boleros. 

It's been a year since I just threw on a tank top and enjoyed the sun on my shoulders.

Yep it has been a year. And this is what I have to say: Get those effing t-shirts away from me!!!

I thought I'd go back. I thought I'd think it was no big deal. But I never wanted to go back. I never felt guilty or ashamed. I never felt like God was disappointed. I never felt like he abandoned me or I lost his protection.

I did feel truer to myself. I felt like I had made the choice and didn't just do something because I was told to. And I felt like me seeking this out actually brought me closer to God and helped me understand Him better.

The rules we were given on how we dressed were meant to keep us safe. We were told it was to keep us from giving boys the "wrong idea". We were told it  was about respecting ourselves.

The problem is that dressing within these guidelines does not automatically guarantee anything. A person dressed within these guidelines can still give guys the "wrong idea". And it doesn't necessarily keep you safe. And respect. . .respect comes from within.

The thing is is that we shouldn't do things out of fear. Fear causes us to lose our agency. We should make smart healthy decisions. And you can make smart, healthy decisions about a number of things in life. Even those things we may have been taught to avoid at all costs.

What I learned from my experiment was this:

-How I dressed didn't change how respected I was. Guys weren't  suddenly assaulting me all the time.

-I wasn't unhappier.

-I didn't feel less blessed.

-I didn't loose respect for myself.

Each of us chooses how to live. Things that work for one person don't work for all. Someone may feel something is absolutely necessary for them, another may feel they don't need that to accomplish the same things.

Alcohol does not always equal unhappiness. Drinking a glass of wine to help you relax doesn't seem much different to me than taking a sleeping pill.

Coffee does not always equal an unhealthy addiction. Energy drinks and taking caffeine pills is not a healthier option.

Wearing a tank top does not suddenly lead to being disrespect. Disrespect doesn't have to do with the length of your sleeves in my eyes.

Avoiding things that are criticized by the LDS church does not automatically free you from the harm that those things are said to bring about. 

There are a number of ways to manage life's ups and downs. What works for one may not work for another. The important thing is that the choice be an educated one. And that a person feels centered and rational when they make that choice.

There is more than one way to live a good healthy life. Just because some choose to follow some rules does not mean all those who do not follow those rules are dwindling in despair. For me the most important thing to do is to seek God daily, pray often and be true to myself. What I choose may not fit a certain checklist. But if I am comfortable with who I am, and make my choices based on what I  want, not because I am trying to Impress or fit in, I'll be much happier.

That's why I did what I did. I wanted it to be my choice. I didn't want to dress a certain way just because I was afraid what others might think. So I made my choice. It's what I felt was best for me. My choice shouldn't be seen as a threat or invalidation to another persons beliefs. Do what you feel is best, what is true to you. And my choice also shouldn't be used as a negative example. I can honestly guarantee that I am just as happy, if not happier, as ever. And that I struggle, and succeed, as much as I did before. 

And I hope everyone does what they feel is truly best for them. Whatever that may be.