You Are My Miracle

I remember when I was 20 something. I would sit up in my bed, look out my window, play this song, sing along and hope that one day I would be led to the love of my life. Don't ask me why I chose this song. Don't ask me why I sang it while staring out my window. These silly little questions have no real, logical answer. All I knew is I felt my Heavenly Father would bring that special someone into my life, and I was supposed to just be patient, and focus on me and my own life while I waited.



I sit here now, a 30 year old, single once again and focusing on my Heavenly Father's guidance, and doing my best to follow. This time I don't want to let doubts in. This time I don't want to question my little quirks, and my intuition. I know what Heavenly Father has asked of me. I have asked and asked and asked again. I have begged him to just let me do this, or just let me do that. And when I do those things I get burned, my life goes to chaos and I have to get up and put the pieces back together again.



Logic can't explain it. It doesn't make sense. But I've betrayed my quirky, intuitive, spiritual, hopeless romantic side before. I tried to force myself to use logic in my relationship choices. And it just didn't work. And it just doesn't work now.



I know how crazy I sound, but when I try to walk down the path, that other's say is "less" crazy, my life starts to fall apart, depression seeps in and I start to become an atom bomb exploding in all relationships around me-- friends, family, etc.



Then I have to pull myself back to my Heavenly Father, ragged and worn out. I have to hope I'll finally reach a breaking point where I can just bawl my eyes out, and let my tears slowly carry out the depressant that has built up in my body. And I have to ask once again what he would have me do.



Wait. That's what he says. He simply says wait. Wait for what? I don't know. But I rebuild my spiritual connections. I focus on the things Heavenly Father has told me to focus on. I get rid of connections I thought would bring me happiness, but really just bring in more agitation. And I listen to my Heavenly Father, and ask his forgiveness for doubting once again.



So, no, it doesn't make sense. I know. I can't explain it. People have told me my whole life I am wrong. But time and time again this is where I am brought back to. I have to be true to myself. I have to do the things that lead to my happiness. Even if other's insist that's not where happiness lies.



I guess in someways that's the "miracle" I sang about, out my window, every night. The path I choose doesn't seem like it will bring order and stability to my life, but it really does.