Jekyll and Hyde

I have spent many years trying to figure out the Jekyll and Hyde story. To be honest the original story I still find a little odd, but of course I am yet to pull out a non abridged version and read it the whole way through. When if first saw the musical the story began to make a lot more sense. The way the musical was written brought about a purpose for the story I could actually grasp. Now I don't know how well the vision of those that wrote the musical lines up with the vision of Robert Louis Stevenson, but the musical vision definitely grabbed my attention.

The musical focuses on Good Vs Evil. And not only that but what is good and what is evil. It also goes on to explain how all of us tend to be good and evil in some way. So what does make a good man? Is this man good even though at times he does these things that are wrong? Are we going to define this woman as bad because she is a prostitute, or are we going to see beyond that?

My boys Incredible Hulk costume fits this subject nicely. After all Hulk is kind of a Jekyll and Hyde story as well.

HULK SMASH!

I myself have managed to become the bad person in some peoples story. It shocks me because I honestly never intended to hurt or upset anyone, and yet still I manage to do so. It's hard to see how all my actions might affect somebody. It is then interesting to see what people choose to see in my actions, or inaction's. I have seen people make assumptions and then talk to me about them like they are facts. As I stood there dazed and confused at why these conversations, and relationships, where falling apart. I realized that half the problem is that we aren't seeking out truth and asking the other person questions. We are just assuming what each other is doing and then justifying our anger and hurt with that.


It really makes me look at how I view things and other people. I definitely have taken a step back and realized that I need to stop acting on my own assumptions. I need to remember what kind of things have been fabricated from my actions. I need to remember what stories are told and assumed from other people based on what they see me do. When I hear these stories, or see the results, I'm simply shocked! How they heck did that come about. But then I realize I do the same thing, and if I do make assumptions I need to tell people that its an assumption not a fact.

I think about this as I look back at my marriage, as I try to figure out what I need to do to make future relationships work better. Honestly relationships daze and confuse me, and I'm not really sure how to have a working relationship with anyone. But moving on. . .I have really tried to decide how you draw the line for what was acceptable and what was not. What was my fault and what was his? Where does my responsibility end? It would be so easy to just say he was a bad person and I had to leave. Sometimes I wished he was just a bad person. That would have made things easier in a way. But I know it's not true. I know he is a good person. And in turn I know that I wasn't always a good person. Mistakes were made on both ends.

This is something I both love and hate about myself. I am always analyzing always trying to see things from all sides. I am always trying to figure out what everyone's real intentions were, and not just what I assume their intentions were. And in the end it becomes a little hard to define who is good and who is bad, or who was right and who was wrong. In some ways I don't know if these definitions work well at all. We're all just human. What actions should define us? Does all the good simply fade because of one mistake. Is one mistake really big enough to make it so the rest doesn't matter at all? I've been judged like this, and it just seems wrong.

Honestly I have no answers on this subject. I just find it interesting and feel of many thought provoking ideas. My mind tends to spin off and look at a situation from all sides, and this does leave me insecure about my own actions sometimes. But even so I wouldn't change that. It makes some things difficult, but I also feel it has brought about a great deal of understanding.

I have made some poor decisions. I have hurt people,sometimes through anger and intent, though  I am trying really hard to stray from that. And sometimes I have hurt people without any intent of doing so at all. It's a whole bowl of craziness really. I'm always battling that bad side of myself, and sometimes it wins for minute. But it feels like such a betrayal to the real me, and the intentions I want to have. It's hard to figure out why that part of me exists at all. Maybe it's not about fighting this side of me, but understanding it. Those emotions are there for a reason, and I need to understand what that is if I am ever going to figure this out.

There is just a whole bunch of content in this subject. I don't think all of it can fit in my head at once. For now I am trying to push judgments and assumptions aside and remember that everyone's actions can come across one way or another, even mine.