Well, here I am, pacing back and forth between the computer and the shower. Unsure of how to deliver this news, but feeling that it is time. I tried to ignore the promptings, but they keep urging me back to the computer desk. So here goes.
Yesterday was the 7th. This means that in a month from yesterday my divorce will be final. That is if everything goes well. My ex-husband, or soon to be, moved out a couple of weeks ago. The whole thing feels weird and strange, but I have spent a year very prayerfully considering these things and I have felt that this is the best thing for the family. It's scary, it's weird and I'm not all too certain what I'm going to do, but I also feel this sense of peace. I know my Heavenly Father is there for me. I heard him tell me it was time. I argued with him that it couldn't be. And then I realized it was time, and that everything would be alright. I didn't think I had learned what I needed to learn, but I have come a long way since the last time we filed for divorce-- we ended up staying together and trying to work it out that time. I realized I was way more emotionally prepared for this. I feel whole and complete and ready to take on this new challenge. It takes a lot of faith. It is so hard to be in this position, and yet so amazing!
Let me just tell you. Divorce is a crazy thing. I feel a sudden weight lifted from me, but when I tell others what is happening I suddenly feel like I am giving them a weight to carry. I wish I could help them see that this is better for me. That I feel so much happier. That my social anxieties are diminishing. That I feel like I can function and get my life back in order. That I feel in control again. I just feel so happy, and I know it's the right thing to do. I know it's not perfect. I know it will be hard. But my life took a turn for "not perfect" and "hard" a long time ago. This wasn't a choice between right and wrong. This was a choice between some rights and some wrongs, and some other rights and some other wrongs. I don't know if I can explain it. I'm just glad I have a Heavenly Father who can guide me and help me to make decisions like these.
Divorce is not easy. It is not an easy way out. It is not an easy decision to make, and it is not an easy thing to do, or be. In a lot of ways staying married could technically be called "easy". It has it's own version of easy: it's not messy, it's comfortable, you know what to expect. Divorce is scary. But even as scary as divorce is I would think about staying and I just knew I couldn't do that anymore. It just is not working. It's not an easy decision, and it's a process.
Once the decision is made there are so many times to second guess. There is messy paperwork to fill out. Filling out that paperwork feels horrible. Even though I was sure this is what I should do, it still felt horrible. Going through all the steps to legally separate our lives was depressing. I had to consider things I never thought I'd have to consider. It's just sad, and it's hard. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to think about it, but it's the only way, so I just got through it.
After you get that filled out you then take that paperwork to complete strangers to get it notarized. I can't help but feel the weight and shame that comes from carrying this document around. It feels like you have something dirty and unclean that people don't want to think about. I think this stems form a couple of things:
- It's very personal and the notary public, who is also a stranger, knows this and wants to handle it with care.
- They know it's terribly personal, and they don't know what to say. They have to be invited into this part of your life, and they can feel how hard that is
- What exactly are you supposed to do or say to this stranger who has to bring you such personal documents? You're a professional but divorce is a huge, (once again) personal, thing. How do you deal with suddenly having to be a part of a strangers divorce? Heaven know if roles were reversed I would not have the slightest idea.
Whatever it is that creates the feelings, that come from having to hand this document over to the notary, it is not an easy thing to do.
It's also not an easy thing to share. I'm no good at lying. I don't like covering up. When I say "my husband" I instantly correct myself and say "ex-husband" even though it's just a clerk at the grocery store. They don't need to know my current marital status. But it's weird to say. It's hard to say. The word carries weight. A weight you don't want to have to throw around. Suddenly you just become grouped in a statistic. I can't explain to the world the whole 3-4 year process I have gone through that has brought me here. I can't share every little thing that happened or feeling I had. Oh well. I just have to look inside me, and find that peace that I know this is right for me. It doesn't matter what other people think or what group they put me in. Maybe I'm not good at marriage. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I care too little. Maybe it is just the situation and I will find I can make marriage work with someone else. Maybe I'll get married again and it will all be the same. Or maybe I'll just stay single. Either way I'm headed in a direction I know is right, even if I don't know the outcome right now.
I wish I could explain it better. I wish I could grab some "Tricia's life" glasses and rewind it to 2010 and just let people watch. I wish I could share my experiences, but every time I try I can't think of how to word it so that it remains simply my experiences and feelings, and doesn't become intertwined with my ex-husband. It just doesn't work. Even when I think I've accomplished it it still affects things. Oh well. Some know the whole story. Some know most of it. And some are probably totally shocked and know nothing at all. Either way just know this is something I have spent a long time praying about, thinking about and pondering about. I really feel this is the best step to take for my family. It's not easy, it's not perfect but it's the best I can do.
