I wanted to start the blog with this post, but kind of got swept up with events so I never got a chance too. Here is my little explanation. I hope it makes sense,
When I was little I thought it was so fun to see my initials in programs everywhere. TBA, Tricia Bree Andreason. I'd joke, "Hey look I'm part of the program." Then I would always catch myself saying, "I'm TBA, To Be Announced".
When I got married I had always intended to take my husbands name, but, I have to admit, it was kind of hard. Not because of any dislike for my husband, or to make some feminist type protest, but because I was really proud of my last name. Andreason had come to really mean a lot to me. But so many stereotypes float around about woman who won't change their name, and I didn't want to fall into that definition, so I took my husbands name. After all, it was a good name too, and no matter what my social security card said I was still an Andreason through and through.
As years passed, things happened. As things happened, pain grew. That pain grew deep and buried itself. And I soon found that pain was so imbedded in me that I had come to long for something I never thought would matter to me. I wanted my name back. I didn't know why. I didn't understand why it was so important. I could still write Andreason. I could still say Andreason. What did having it legally in the books matter? But for some reason it did matter.
Well I realized why. What I had been seeking my whole life was outside validation. I thought, "When I have a husband to tell me I'm pretty everyday then I can finally believe it," or "When I have a husband to tell me what I'm good and talented at then I will finally know what I should do with my life."
I soon realized that I needed to trust in myself enough to believe I could give that validation. So I started doing that. And as I did that, I would drive around places where I grew up, and think, "I wish I had loved Tricia Andreason this way too. Even if she didn't fully believe it, she was pretty awesome."
For the first time in a long time it felt good to visit my past. For so long it had felt wrong. In someways it felt like a crime against my marriage. I realized I needed to go back and love the me of the past too. I started to think of my maiden name and my old initials, TBA. At first I thought it was kind of dumb to be so thrilled by such a silly coincidence. I couldn't really remember why I had thought my initials were so cool. But then I realized it was an awesome statement of who I am. My life isn't set in stone. Who I am isn't all determined by the here and now. In a way my life is To Be Announced. You can't fit me in a form and say that's who I am and who I always will be. I am learning and growing. I am trying hard to improve everyday. Who I am is changing. Who's to say what I'll be in the next ten years? It's To Be Announced :). Lets hope its something good.
Anyway. . .that's the story behind the title of this blog. I've learned a lot about myself. Things that would probably sounds crazy if I wrote them all hear. But if you ever want to here my crazy stories you're welcome to ask me anytime.
