I saw this sweet old man selling flowers on the side of the street. It just really touched me, so I had to buy some. Things made with love, whether food or bouquets of flowers, are always worth the price!
Remember that play? You know? That one? It had the song, and the choreography by that one famous guy? Oh come on!
SWEET CHARITY!!!
Geesh! I can't believe you couldn't guess that. I practically gave it away. Well, now that you know what play I'm talking about, do you remember how it ends? What? I can't hear you! Fine, I'll just tell you.
Charity doesn't get the guy in the end, but she learns how to love. In fact she learns how to truly love. Who does she learn to truly love? She learns to love herself.
Right? You were totally not expecting that. Isn't it profound. . .and. . .awesome. . .and. . .and. . .
Yeah I know. It's a little unsatisfying. At least I thought so when I saw it way back in, oh when was that, 2006/2007. . .ish.
Me in my backyard.
Truth is I didn't get the message back then. Back then I banked on the fact that I was nothing unless a man loved me. I thought, "Once I have that man, that one man, who will just fall madly in love with me, then I will have worth. Then I will know I am worth something. Then I can face all of those that rejected me, with pure awesomeness in my eyes saying, 'See, I told you I was worth loving'."
Me in my karate uniform. I signed up for a self defense class. Going is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am way out of my comfort zone. And, despite the fact that I've been told several times I'm a natural and asked, "You've taken martial arts before right?", I still let myself get intimidated.
Yep, that was me. Sadly, it's hard to abandon these old traditions of mine. I have come a long way. I most certainly have. But mental exercise is the same as physical exercise. You stay consistent and there will be days you can take on the world like some ruthless, unstoppable Hulk. But no matter how consistent you are there will be days where you have been slightly weakened by little stresses here and there. And suddenly you're no more useful then Superman when he couldn't see the kryptonite in the lead case.
This raises a very important question. Who would win in a fight? Hulk or Superman?
Alright, fine, back to the post.
Sometimes I let myself get weakened. Sometimes I don't see it, but sometimes I knowingly open that lead case and let the kryptonite take me down. It's hard to validate myself all the time. I know, in the end, my opinion of myself, and His opinion, are the only one's that matter. But sometimes I want those that hurt me, those that tore me down, to see they didn't win. But then I learn a lesson: They have to win. At least according to them. For some people to be satisfied I have to be broken.
Truth is, divorce is tricky. I had to walk away from a situation that drained my confidence, with the confidence to say, "I'll take loneliness over being with this person." And as sure as I was that I had every reason to leave, as sure as I was that-- even though I have problems too-- the other person contributed to the mess just as much as me and I am not broken, I still have to fight. I have to fight for that belief. I meditate. I pray. I get involved in things that interest me. I don't let being alone hold me back from enjoying things, and from doing things.
Me taking myself to the tulip festival. It's once of my favorite, annual, events! I love tulips!
Relationships are hard for me. I usually tend to avoid getting close to people because I tend to err on the side of "people probably don't like me all that much". But I must be somewhat likable because I manage to make friends, even if I try to put my guards up. Sometimes I think it's easier to not get close to anyone. But I also know I need people in my life, and I love the people Heavenly Father has blessed me with. I struggle to understand relationships. I try to find little tricks and secrets. I try to accept people as they are. I try not to take offense to what they do, and how they act. Instead I try to understand them. I do my best to love them, and their intentions, and realize that some people can have rough edges, but usually have a lot of good traits when you look for them. But even so, I get very intolerant sometimes. OK, I think I get mostly intolerant when I feel someone is becoming intolerant of me. But. . .still. . .relationships are hard. And this is just me trying to understand how to get along with everyone I work with.
I'm scared of relationships. I'm scared I'll screw it up. I'm scared I am the broken one, and I just can't see it. I'm worried that no man will ever love me.
But then I open my eyes. I see who I am. I see the people that love me.
Mother's Day! I actually celebrated this year, and refrained from protesting. How could I not? My boys wanted me to have this day!
I wouldn't change a damn thing!
I would never go back. What I had wasn't love. I have felt love. I know what it is to be loved. And nobody is going to sell me a anything less. When I stand back and truly see what my worth was in that person's eyes, I know I made the right choice. I don't need to measure myself by their stick anymore.
So this one time, in self defense class, we had to do three-ish minutes of push-ups. The next day my arms were swollen and bulging from my shirt. I thought it was funny how big they looked so I had to snap a picture. I mean. . .who wouldn't. It was just so funny. . .and. . .yeah I'm kind of showing off. Hey! If I have to live with big arms I may as well get to show them off from time to time.
I know what I am. I am sassy redhead with a strong spirit, and I will never give up. I love people, and I love deeply. I am a fighter, a warrior. I struggle with some things. I am not perfect. But I deserve grace. And even if some people don't deserve my grace, I deserve to be the gracious person who will give it to them anyway. I am a daughter of God, and he will not let me fail. I am me! And I love who I am!
I caved and let them each pick out a chick. I love having chickens, and we needed to replace one that died during winter. Aren't they so cute! They love those chicks so much! They are about to drive me crazy!
Maybe I won't find love in this life. That's OK. I mean. . .I'm not giving up or anything. I'm still young, and I've only been divorced for a little over a year. But even if I don't find love, I'll be alright. I feel loved. By my family and friends, of course. But I feel a love out there. An energy meant just for me. God is good! He'll lead me where I need to go.
