I Can Not Find My Way

I'm listening to my Christmas music tonight, yes I'm listening to Christmas music already, and a thought occurs to me.



It's occurred to me before. This time of year comes around and I just ponder how much I love it. I think I have posted about this before. In fact I'm almost certain I have. Yup I have. In fact its right here. But maybe I can make this post a little different.


I love a lot of things about winter. I love the cold. I love the early nights. I love the snow. I love the glow that come from everything being covered in white. I know I'm crazy! I need this time of year. I need the winter. I need this season. I appreciate every season, and every time of the year. They all give me something different, and they all allow me to focus on different things. And I decided to  sit down and think about what this time of year really lets me focus on.



So as I jammed out to my music I began to ponder my thoughts. Christmas music stirs me with excitement and joy. It give me that wonderful, energetic, "something exciting is going to happen" feeling. That's the mark of a wonderful song for me, and a good majority of Christmas music is full of these things. Along with this excited feeling I also feel peace. I mean a majority of what I listen to is songs about Christ. And so I feel His peace surround me. I absolutely love it!



This made me realize why I must love listening to Christmas music so early on in the season. I think I like beginning the journey. I like playing the music, feeling the excitement, and pondering his peace. The story of Christ's birth is beautiful in many ways, but one of the ways it is beautiful to me is because it is so peaceful. So many in that story are in search of something, a sign, a blessing, a safe place to stay. And in this story they all find it, and for a moment they all relish in he peace that fills their heart. And we get to spend the season focusing on that. The fact that they found it. That they all found, and shared in peace, for a moment in time.



So I gladly put on my Christmas music, and enjoy starting my journey to finding that peace. The music excites me to begin my journey, and reminds me of the peace I seek. I get a whole season to find it. Why not start the journey as soon as I can?

This Is Me

This is me, on my 30th birthday. Yup just me, a crazy woman, who does her best to follow what she feels is right in her heart, but sometimes struggles to do so.

I vowed to listen to my Heavenly Father, and follow his counsel, as I ventured into the unknown and filed for divorce. He has led me to only good places, and has always helped me to find peace. And yet I still struggle at times to follow what he says. I have gotten full and complete confirmation on the answers I have received about my guy. Sometimes I wish the answer was different. Sometimes I think I can change it. I know that a lot of people probably think I'm crazy to follow it. After all, I sometimes think I am. But no matter what it is the answer. So then I try to lawyer my way out of. I try to find some sort of clause in our agreement. Well if you take this feeling her, and this desire here and combine it with these fact here then I could technically. . .technically open an account on a dating website.

So what do I do? I open an account. I ask Heavenly Father if this is OK. His answer? I already know it. Please, please just let me have this! Well I do it anyway. I message guys, they message me. I look at this guy here and that guy there. It seems fun. It seems to fill a void. But then I feel it. The reality of it all. This isn't what I want. This isn't fun at all. Where do I expect this go? What do I expect to happen? He told me no, and any guy I meet on there is going to just be a dead end. And I can start to feel it in myself. I'm not ready for this, and if I just go out and start dating just anyone I'm going to make a poor decision. I'm not strong enough to date like this. And slowly those little chats, winks and flirts just become empty. They give me 5 seconds of fun, and then it fades.

So I talk to my Father again. He tells me what He desires. I decide to listen this time. I mean really listen. And what happens. I deactivate my account even though I'm afraid it will make that void in my life fill like The Grand Canyon once again. But instead I find peace. And I find a more fulfilling joy in filling that void the way He counsels me to. Yes I'm crazy. Yes people won't always understand. But I know I must listen to my Heavenly Father. Even if it doesn't make sense to me. Even if it's hard to explain. This is what I must do. I can't wiggle my way out of it, or get the same results a different way. Deep down I know this is best for me.