Sometimes I wonder if I got it wrong. If I'm telling the wrong story. Perhaps I'm that evil wife they portray on TV or in the movies. The one who doesn't appreciate their spouse. The one who doesn't show them the love they deserve, and criticizes everything they do. Who is cold and distant, unresponsive to all their vies for affection. Self absorbed and uncaring.
Sometimes I wonder if it was me. If it was something I did. . .that caused. . .the affair.
They call them victims. The one's who were cheated on. Victim's of an affair. How could I not see it? How could I not know, how deeply this thing could affect someone? How thoroughly it punctured through every layer of your self esteem and soul? How it planted an ugly seed deep inside you and would never let go? Instead it would stick around and whisper in your ear daily: "You were never good enough" "You never cared enough" "You aren't even worth loving by the one man who said he would love you forever" "Now you see how all those other guys you dated, or liked, were right to turn tail and run".
Sometimes leaving this life felt like an option worth considering. There is just nothing that can end that kind of pain. I cried everyday. I never wanted to get out of bed. Had it not been for my kids I may not have survived. But I woke up everyday and fought for a reason to live. I struggled to love the ghost that was once me. Photos brought bitter memories. Everything in our life was tainted now. I took my wedding ring off the day I found out. I never put it back on. In fact I sold it. But slowly we make new memories, and slowly those tainted things start to become clean again.
Two weeks after I found the texts, two weeks after I found out he had been unfaithful, I found out I was pregnant. What was I to do with this baby? How could I have a baby with a man I didn't trust? How could I be that vulnerable with him? But how could I do it alone? I have often found that I end up being pregnant during the most stressful times of my life, and somehow my body never transfers that stress to the baby. I know I should be thankful for that, and I am thankful, but it can also make things hard in its own way. I wasn't ready to have a baby. My mind could cope with IV's and spinal blocks. It all became a trauma of its own. But I had to do it. And as hard as it was I'm grateful. Grateful that all I had endure was a couple hours. I know c-sections aren't ideal, but I was grateful to have it this time around. Hours of labor, hours of being that vulnerable, would've killed me.
The trauma that is caused when a spouse is unfaithful is real, and very damaging. The day is embedded in my memory forever. I was hyperventilating. I couldn't speak. I just cried. When others would recount an experience there family member had with infidelity, unknowing that I had this experience as well, it would take all my strength to just keep walking, to just keep moving and to not just curl up in a ball, in the corner and cry. And just when you think the trauma is through PTSD shows it's face, and it can be even more debilitating than the first round.
The memories still haunt me. Every time I see his phone, or hear that he got a text. Every time I get on the computer and he has left his email account open. What will I find? What will it do to me when I find it?
You're told not to talk about it. It's your marriage and you need to keep it to yourself. You need to protect your family and your spouse. Other people cannot be trusted with the information. Well, it's true. Some people can't be trusted. Sometimes you'll regret opening your mouth. But other times you find a release and understanding that is so healing. Some choose not to share, and that is fine. But I need to share. The weight was too much. And I'm glad I shared because I think people need to know. I think people need to be more aware of what an affair does to someone, and that it could happen to anyone. These things can destroy someone's life forever. They put through a battle to reclaim their self worth that they may never win. I'm still fighting, daily.
Some people ask how do you take them back? How do you repair the trust? In some ways I haven't. I have instead put my trust in me and in God. It took so long before I was willing to even do that. I was so angry with God. I didn't want to be, but I was. Sometimes it's hard to forget and let go. How can I just let something go that impacted me so deeply? Something that I fought so hard to come back from? You can't just let something like that go. It has to mean something. Fighting that hard can't be all for not. But yet I need to forgive so I won't become bitter. Finding the balance is a struggle. What do I care about? What do I let go? I know I need to get to a place where his actions can just wash over me and not affect me, but that is a mountain I will be fighting to stay on top of my whole life.
Why now? Why here? I don't know why. Maybe I just want the attention, sympathy and praise that comes from
stories like these. Perhaps there is a part of me seeking such things.
But the part of me that really wants to put this out there is the part
that just wants people to know the reality of infidelity and how it will
affects people. I know some people don't agree with sharing things like this, and I respect that. I understand why, and I have taken it into consideration. I also wouldn't recommend that everyone share their story in this way. This is the route I feel is best for me when it comes to healing and moving on, but that doesn't mean it's for everyone. I have put many thoughts, and prayers into this, and I really feel it is what is right for me. I think some people are meant to be open and I think they are made that way for a reason. Who knows, maybe I won't even post this. We'll see.
